• Member Since 17th Nov, 2017
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

IMLad1esMan217


The name is Agustin Juarez, I am a 16-year-old dud who loves MLP! Looking forward to talking to anyone and I want to know how you are you liking my stories?

T

*Post each Chapter within 1-2 weeks*

Just your average 18-year-old boy on Planet Earth. Like most teenagers my age, we tend to wander off into a place where some might say is a stupid idea. And of course, while with friends, I fell into a pit where it had a secret tunnel through some mysterious rooms. One particular room had a gem that I've never seen before. And later on, when I took it from it's resting place, I suddenly felt tired and passed out. Moments later, I woke up in the woods as I looked at my hands and feet to see, hooves?! I then discovered that I am a unicorn and that I am somewhere far away from my home. Trying to find a way to get back home seems like it's impossible when a great evil has arrived and threatened to rule this land called Equestria. Having no choice but to put my trip back home on hold. I must defend this land and save these ponies from evil... that is if I can...

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 49 )

9080879

I didn't like where I was going and I had an idea that will later show in the chapters.

9080914
Its not going to literally involve your OC becoming the seventh element, will it? It wouldn't make sense since the mane six have saved the day plenty of times without a seventh element.

9080953
Good, good, I'm glad you dodged that sort of bullet.

I've only read maybe about a thousand words or so and I'm not feeling 'pulled' into the story at all. It's written as if it's just another "7th Element" fanfic and the main character is just another 'Mary-Sue'. So, I feel I should give you some tips to help with writing.

Number one: The Main character Augustine has no character development in this first chapter and is just self insertion. The first chapter of a fic or book is supposed to introduce characters, even if it is a self insert, and help us get to know them and set up the plot, which it does a poor job of. That is to be expected, since it seems to be your first fic. I won't hate it because I did the exact same thing in my first, but trashed it after chapter three. You'll get better over time. (I'm no master writer.) Make the protagonist converse for an hour with someone, have him try to learn to cook and fail miserably but still have fun. Tell us subtly that he's determined or cocky or even on a moral high horse. Don't just give him powers that make him godly or invincible. Give him a power that has a drawback, like he can only use it after eating tons of lemons or it slowly causes him to get burns all over his body. If there are just positives about a character, it makes them boring and sound average. They aren't unique from anyone else in the fanfic and it makes readers lose interest. Give them some flaws.

Number two: It's rushed, which is to be expected from your first fic. If I've learned anything from people teaching me how to write a story, it was structure and steady pacing. '1' happens, and then '2', but before '1' happens '0.3' has to happen. And for '0.3' happens, yoh have to have the character deal with '-2'. You didn't do too poor of a job, but it gould be better if you practice. Keep writing.

Number three: The poor grammar. I'm not sure if English is your first language, but you are seriously lacking some punctuation. Some words don't belong next to one another. For example, "The cat ran fast up the hill chased by a dog." It sounds like a cat is running fast up a hill that literally is being chased by a dog. To correct it, it would be written "The cat ran fast up the hill, chased by a dog." It would also help to add adjectives and replaces multiple words with advanced ones or even add words to put emphasis on things. "The sleek, black cat swiftly scampered up a grassy hill, being pursued by a rabid beagle" sounds much better than the original sentence, as it helps the reader imagine the scene, which is what you should strive for. If I can imagine it in my head well, I can put myself in the character's position and it makes me want to read more. You also aren't deciding if the fic is present tense or past tense. It's okay to use some bits of either, but not all throughout the fanfic. An okay model would be "past tense, past tense, present tense, past tense" since it is mostly past tense.

"I pull my phone out, reading a text" is present tense. Present tense is someone doing something right now.

"I pulled my phone out and read a text" is past tense. Past tense is someone doing something a few moments ago or even minutes or hours.


Number four: You don't need to add the word said to the end of every quote that a character makes unless you are changing who is speaking to someone new.

"I hate this place," groaned Bryan.

"It's pretty sucky, I'll admit that," admitted Karen.

"It's cold, damp, and this cave floor is hell on my feet."

Karen laughed. "Maybe if you wore real shoes more often, you wouldn't have that problem."

Bryan fidgeted with his fingers nervously, a small blush forming on his cheeks. "I-It's not my fault crocs are comfortable!"

"Like hell they are comfortable! It's just cheap foam!" exclaimed Jessica.

Note how you can tell who is who. Each character speaks in turn and I only specified who was speaking if the character was doing something new or if their expressions/mood changed. It also helps to not use the same words over and over, as to avoid being repeatative. Using the word 'said' is fine, but don't use it all the time. Change it up to add some emotion to character's words. They aren't robots, but they aren't drama queens. Bryan can say things just fine, but he doesn't say things and then exclaim them with excitement, only to switch back to saying them. Find a healthy balance of 'said' and it's synonyms.

I hope this helps you become a better writer than you already are so you can make fictions that entertain not only yourself, but others as well. I can say this about it though: you've written more per chapter than I have on any fics. Good luck and keep on practicing.

9115779

Thank you for this, I know this story is poor and hard to read, but I am still improving and trying my best to see if I can fix the mistakes. What you commented tells me a lot.

Also, my OC sounds like a mary sue, but in the future, I planned to make my OC gain a huge power boost but will come at a great cost after using it.

Yes, I know my grammar is poor, still learning.

Again, thank you for this, I'll look into it

9115886
No problem. I'd rather someone get better at a skill than to insult it and make them hate it. I hope I didn't come accross as mean or anything.

9135602
dragon ball super,goku's new ability it's called ultra instict or mastery of self movement

9135622

No, I know what you mean about Ultra Instinct, I love DBS!!

I mean why you say that?

9135625
because of your caracter power you said that the cost of his power is big and that is related to ultra insict,i believe

9135634

Well, all of the powers Goku has used comes at great costs like the kioken or any of his Super Saiyan forms, ultra instinct is the same in that matter.

But yea, I don't want my OC to be super OP when he goes blue from the picture there. That's why I added that.

A chariot pulled by two pegasuses was on its way to Ponyville with a purple unicorn mare and a baby dragon.

*Pegasi

Twilight then noticed me staring at the floor, about to shed a tear. She sits next to me and asks, "Augustine, can you wanna tell me what happened in your dream?"

First, Twiggles would never say 'wanna'. She's too by the book for that.

Second, that 'can' should be replaced with 'do'.

"Augustine? Do you want to tell me what happened in your dream?"

9151149
Most likely you read the front page, then posted your story due to mistaking being displaced and the Displaced.

Oi my dude i hope you continue this story because it has got me on the ropes, so keep it up my dude

Comment posted by IMLad1esMan217 deleted September 8th

I hope celestia doesn't jump to conclusions

9116460
We need more people like you, you're blunt about it but you don't put too much weight on said bluntness. Constructive criticism goes a long wrong than just outright verbal lashing pointing out everything wrong.

9158918
Look at my comment, do you see your name near the arrow symbol?

"Well that makes sense, I've actually been lying to you. I've been going about 80% myself."

Dragon ball reference

9159371

Not exactly, later on, the chapters, I'll go into details about the gem

You know I notice something from the main character in the cover art for this story. The aura that the main character had in the cover art is Super Saiyan Blue aura.

9182054

I know, but of course, it is from the power of the gem.

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