I just read this also I was listening to "Fight like hell" a doom song from JT music, anyways this chapter was great, well done and all, some mistakes but overall really great, I'll track this and keep eye on, please keep up the good work ! And remember DON'T Rush it, I'll wait for ya
Oh I forgot to tell you please do keep this up you're doing a great job as it is it would be a shame if you were to allow it to fall to the wayside and not complete the story
Enchanted Armor - The user can create a suit of armor with enchanted magical properties and with their own special abilities, they can even be used to resist certain attacks because of the magical aura that surrounds the suits. The user can even utilize magical spells from their armor for attack or defensive purposes in any way, shape, or form. Enhanced Hammermanship - Users are able to demonstrate brutal aptitude and great proficiency in using hammers to inflict heavy blunt force damage and/or trauma, making the user very dangerous in close quarters combat. The user can also break down structures and take out heavily armored enemies. Indomitable Rage - The user has unnaturally strong rage that is never ending and ever growing, enabling them to be immune to all forms of pacification including Patience Manipulation, Patience Inducement, Serenity Inducement. Through their rage the user can face great physical pain and psychological trauma and will refuse to surrender, literally using their anger to fight through the pain, possibly up to the point of cheating death and pushing themselves past their own limitations. Their rage can also act as a makeshift source of power for their strength
"You teamed up on a female and you practice slavery, and worst of all you wanted me dead! AND YOU DARE BEG FOR MERCY FROM ME!" I roard in anger as I delivered the finishing blow on his head and killed him.
Did he finish him of by curb stumping his head in?, or did he do it with the hammer.
Ok that was an interesting first chapter. Let me give you some constructive criticisms. 1st It was too much info for a chapter. 2nd is felt rushed. 3rd When fighting he said some really sappy shit. 4rd how was his super armor piece by normal ass Spears. And finally the soldier that first attacked him betraying his imperial eternal queen for a guy he met 5 seconds ago and kicked his ass makes no sense at all. Besides this the concept is good. First chapters almost always suck so theres no pressure.
9955813 For your first criticisms, what do you mean 'too much info for a chapter'? For your second, can you explain what you mean with 'felt rushed'? As for your third criticisms, what sappy shit? And your fouth, like all armors his has a few uncovered spots such as throat, forearms and behind the knee. Also the guy who meet him 5 seconds ago defend him because the mare told him that he saved the villagers so he knew that obeying the queen who commands the MC's death is wrong and the MC kicked his ass because his anger was too strong for him to control and only after he saw who he knocked out the MC came back to his sense.
P.S. not everything have to make sense, it's just natural. Alright?
Sweeeeeet zombie Jesus the spelling/typos, also this first chapter reeks of Teenage wish fulfillment that's not inherently bad it's just not very original, but to each their own I guess. The pacing is 0 - 60 the story need to take a breath and slow down. Last but not least
Arton Ravenheart
... come on now if that name was any edgier it would have cut me.
Alright, time for some constructive criticism and some nitpicking from here and there. First off, unnecessary swearing. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you want emphasis by swearing but I'm pretty sure that you can do that in other ways. Unless your character is very crude then go ahead. Just tone it down, swearing just for the sake of swearing just makes the story look bad.
Secondly, is everyone on this world mentally retarded? Do they all lack the mental capacity to strategise because from what I've seen, everyone that Arton fought has done nothing but charge forward and swing their weapon willy nilly.
Third, the concept of him not feeling anything when killing a sentient being. This is just my personal opinion but when characters kill someone for the first time, almost every time they would feel some kind of remorse, unless you're telling me that Arton has done this before, that, or he's a psychopath. Just because they're bad people doesn't mean that their value in life isn't null. Arton is a normal human being transported to Equestria and given three powers. Not one of these powers ever granted him the removal of remorse when taking a life.
Fourth, his powers are easily mastered. This alone gave a bad taste in my mouth. The fact that the powers he was given was easily created. To me it's all just conveniences at the most crucial of times. You expect me to believe that this person, who was taken away from his normal life to immediately accept the fact that he has powers which he has no idea how to use since he just got them. Aside from that, you also expect me to believe that he would win against a literal god just because he has mastery over his hammer? Master with the weapon he may be, nothing beats experience.
Aside from that, the moment he activates his 'Indomitable Rage' for the first time wasn't even on purpose, it was just by chance! He was going to die and for convenience sake, the ability activated. This is his one and only trump card, the only thing that can help him SURVIVE, not beat, but SURVIVE the army that Faust is throwing at him.
I like overpowered heroes don't get me wrong but what Arton did was throw all of his eggs in one basket and hoped that he would be able to hold them back, which he had but you're a fool if you think that Arton can go from a normal human being to a being that can threaten a god's existence in just one chapter.
The chapter feels rushed. Let me just put it out there, there is no escalation to the battle. It's just: - Summon weapon - Spots enemy - Fight the enemy - Rescue the victim - RInse & repeat
Of course, you try to fill it up with dialogue but that just doesn't work in my opinion.
Last but surely not the least, you're characters. All of the character that you've introduced have done nothing to inquire our interest. This is why character development exists. Ebony Sparkle fighting for Arton? Who cares? Just because Arton saved her doesn't mean we'd start caring for her.
"YOU MUST RUN NOW!" I heard Ebony Sparkle yelled from afar and I know why. I saw more and more guards comming from the sky, far too many for me to fight.
This whole bit that she does doesn't weigh due to the fact that we know next to nothing about her. Unless, she'd just a side character that's easily thrown off then I don't mind.
Faust, seriously, how much of a xenophobe are you trying to portray her? She's a living goddess with years of experience, this isn't her first time dealing with a potential threat. Aside from being a living goddess, she's also a leader, shouldn't you think that her leader skills come first before she smites the first heathen she sees. She commands her soldiers to attack Arton just because her daughter had a vision of him? Don't you think that statement alone would warrant questions about her psyche? Faust is the mother of both Celestia and Luna, shouldn't she appear more mature and instead of outright attack Arton, she should ask questions first?
In conclusion, here's what I can get just by reading the first chapter, you are trying to get us to sympathise with Arton when in fact you've probably just convinced a few because let's face it, just by reading the overview alone, you're trying to make the ponies look bad just by making them do dumb decisions. You want to antagonise ponies? Make me feel bad for Arton. Instead what you showed me told me that Arton is an asshole who won't even follow the world's rules and regulations just because he has three powers. It just makes him look like a kid throwing a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants.
Hell, even a reasonable human being would question Faust directly why they was being targeted.
9933048 9986050 I must agree, I'm afraid. The spelling is another disaster, but honestly? That's far below the priorities you should have when improving this story. I'd heavily recommend reading other stories on the site that deal with these sorts of situations, and analyze them as deeply as you can. And not just once, but multiple times. Furthermore, take heed when someone is being as polite as Shadow with criticisms. More often than not, they have some sense to their words.
Hell, even those less polite have some sense to their words. They're just terrible at being tactful and keeping a lid on their true emotions, among other things.
Regardless, I'd recommend taking another look at this story, if not a few, and giving it a retry in nigh entirety. The base concept is intriguing, but the characters, the flow, and the design of the rest of the story need reworking.
Of course, if you simply wish to write for fun and not improvement, or simply wish to write for the group of people who like simplicity, then continue as you were. These are all just suggestions and recommendations, NOT orders, demands, or anything of the sort.
Neat
This story is amazing keep doing the great work
9933038
9933009
Thanks.
I just read this also I was listening to "Fight like hell" a doom song from JT music, anyways this chapter was great, well done and all, some mistakes but overall really great, I'll track this and keep eye on, please keep up the good work ! And remember DON'T Rush it, I'll wait for ya
9933410
Cool
9933038
Who the hell disliked this comment just for saying the chapter/story is good, just why
Keep going Torulf21. I want to hear her scream right now.๐
9933567
Wait and see, this story is getting better soon๐
Besides a lot of grammar errors and WAY to many exclamation points this was very good! Xd
I no right
Oh I forgot to tell you please do keep this up you're doing a great job as it is it would be a shame if you were to allow it to fall to the wayside and not complete the story
Dude you just described a dwarf
9935290
No I didn't.
You get a favorite for this story, and a follow from me. This is the kind of character i like!. Heavy weapon power, for the f*cking win!.
Did he finish him of by curb stumping his head in?, or did he do it with the hammer.
Dang she a biiiiitch!
#disgusted
9936983
With the hammer.
Ok that was an interesting first chapter. Let me give you some constructive criticisms. 1st It was too much info for a chapter. 2nd is felt rushed. 3rd When fighting he said some really sappy shit. 4rd how was his super armor piece by normal ass Spears. And finally the soldier that first attacked him betraying his imperial eternal queen for a guy he met 5 seconds ago and kicked his ass makes no sense at all. Besides this the concept is good. First chapters almost always suck so theres no pressure.
9955813
For your first criticisms, what do you mean 'too much info for a chapter'? For your second, can you explain what you mean with 'felt rushed'? As for your third criticisms, what sappy shit? And your fouth, like all armors his has a few uncovered spots such as throat, forearms and behind the knee. Also the guy who meet him 5 seconds ago defend him because the mare told him that he saved the villagers so he knew that obeying the queen who commands the MC's death is wrong and the MC kicked his ass because his anger was too strong for him to control and only after he saw who he knocked out the MC came back to his sense.
P.S. not everything have to make sense, it's just natural. Alright?
Welp.
I just tried the lottery thing myself, and the second power I was apparently given was "Alicorn Physiology".
Guess I'm a prince / princess now. Probably of health or something, given my first power was "Psychic Surgery".
Sweeeeeet zombie Jesus the spelling/typos, also this first chapter reeks of Teenage wish fulfillment that's not inherently bad it's just not very original, but to each their own I guess. The pacing is 0 - 60 the story need to take a breath and slow down. Last but not least
... come on now if that name was any edgier it would have cut me.
Alright, time for some constructive criticism and some nitpicking from here and there. First off, unnecessary swearing. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you want emphasis by swearing but I'm pretty sure that you can do that in other ways. Unless your character is very crude then go ahead. Just tone it down, swearing just for the sake of swearing just makes the story look bad.
Secondly, is everyone on this world mentally retarded? Do they all lack the mental capacity to strategise because from what I've seen, everyone that Arton fought has done nothing but charge forward and swing their weapon willy nilly.
Third, the concept of him not feeling anything when killing a sentient being. This is just my personal opinion but when characters kill someone for the first time, almost every time they would feel some kind of remorse, unless you're telling me that Arton has done this before, that, or he's a psychopath. Just because they're bad people doesn't mean that their value in life isn't null. Arton is a normal human being transported to Equestria and given three powers. Not one of these powers ever granted him the removal of remorse when taking a life.
Fourth, his powers are easily mastered. This alone gave a bad taste in my mouth. The fact that the powers he was given was easily created. To me it's all just conveniences at the most crucial of times. You expect me to believe that this person, who was taken away from his normal life to immediately accept the fact that he has powers which he has no idea how to use since he just got them. Aside from that, you also expect me to believe that he would win against a literal god just because he has mastery over his hammer? Master with the weapon he may be, nothing beats experience.
Aside from that, the moment he activates his 'Indomitable Rage' for the first time wasn't even on purpose, it was just by chance! He was going to die and for convenience sake, the ability activated. This is his one and only trump card, the only thing that can help him SURVIVE, not beat, but SURVIVE the army that Faust is throwing at him.
I like overpowered heroes don't get me wrong but what Arton did was throw all of his eggs in one basket and hoped that he would be able to hold them back, which he had but you're a fool if you think that Arton can go from a normal human being to a being that can threaten a god's existence in just one chapter.
The chapter feels rushed. Let me just put it out there, there is no escalation to the battle. It's just:
- Summon weapon
- Spots enemy
- Fight the enemy
- Rescue the victim
- RInse & repeat
Of course, you try to fill it up with dialogue but that just doesn't work in my opinion.
Last but surely not the least, you're characters. All of the character that you've introduced have done nothing to inquire our interest. This is why character development exists. Ebony Sparkle fighting for Arton? Who cares? Just because Arton saved her doesn't mean we'd start caring for her.
This whole bit that she does doesn't weigh due to the fact that we know next to nothing about her. Unless, she'd just a side character that's easily thrown off then I don't mind.
Faust, seriously, how much of a xenophobe are you trying to portray her? She's a living goddess with years of experience, this isn't her first time dealing with a potential threat. Aside from being a living goddess, she's also a leader, shouldn't you think that her leader skills come first before she smites the first heathen she sees. She commands her soldiers to attack Arton just because her daughter had a vision of him? Don't you think that statement alone would warrant questions about her psyche? Faust is the mother of both Celestia and Luna, shouldn't she appear more mature and instead of outright attack Arton, she should ask questions first?
In conclusion, here's what I can get just by reading the first chapter, you are trying to get us to sympathise with Arton when in fact you've probably just convinced a few because let's face it, just by reading the overview alone, you're trying to make the ponies look bad just by making them do dumb decisions. You want to antagonise ponies? Make me feel bad for Arton. Instead what you showed me told me that Arton is an asshole who won't even follow the world's rules and regulations just because he has three powers. It just makes him look like a kid throwing a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants.
Hell, even a reasonable human being would question Faust directly why they was being targeted.
9986050
"Is this world mentally retarded"
Welcome to the mlp fandom. Where every pony leader has a mental malfunction.
9933048
9986050 I must agree, I'm afraid. The spelling is another disaster, but honestly? That's far below the priorities you should have when improving this story. I'd heavily recommend reading other stories on the site that deal with these sorts of situations, and analyze them as deeply as you can. And not just once, but multiple times. Furthermore, take heed when someone is being as polite as Shadow with criticisms. More often than not, they have some sense to their words.
Hell, even those less polite have some sense to their words. They're just terrible at being tactful and keeping a lid on their true emotions, among other things.
Regardless, I'd recommend taking another look at this story, if not a few, and giving it a retry in nigh entirety. The base concept is intriguing, but the characters, the flow, and the design of the rest of the story need reworking.
Of course, if you simply wish to write for fun and not improvement, or simply wish to write for the group of people who like simplicity, then continue as you were. These are all just suggestions and recommendations, NOT orders, demands, or anything of the sort.
I hope you have a good day, my friend.
I just rolled some overpower abilities for the power roller first try
Nigh-Absolute Immortality
Absolute Heat Absorption
Universal Embodiment- godlike