Epilogue: Crazy Little Thing Called Dove
Diamond Tiara ran her hoof down the pet carrier’s smooth titanium walls. The elongated egg-like shape offered plenty of space to stretch wings and walk around, but not enough for flight. According to that nice pony with the tattoos and the two-headed dog, the Pandora 280X was designed to transport cockatrices, timberwolf pups, malignant cockatoos, pukwudgies, and other vicious creatures under thirty inches. Magicproof and fireproof, built to withstand bite forces up to two thousand psi, it could transport even the most cantankerous of creatures securely and safely or double your money back. Spoiled had kept the receipt, just in case.
“Stand back, he bites.”
Sensing activity outside, the titanium egg rocked gently on the couch. A thin silhouette paced circles behind the tinted shatterproof windows.
“Menace, try and be nice to this one, okay? She’s part of why you’re not still stuck with Dainty in your old aviary.” Diamond glanced over her shoulder, where Doctor Batina Belfry sat with her ears pricked and wings extended. Not surprising; after the hype from last month’s session—not to mention Dad and Spoiled’s solo sessions—the therapist must have been dying to finally meet this pigeon. “Fold your wings,” she whispered. “He’s got a thing about wings. And act intimidated.”
Doctor Belfry nodded. She usually favored to keep her wings out to let her feathers feel the air and objects around her, but sitting on the couch, it didn’t matter much. Besides, she knew her way around her own office. “Are you sure it’s safe to let him out in here? This is a place of healing; we’re not built to handle dangerous animals.” Somehow, she managed to restrain her smile. “From what you’ve told me, he sounds pretty scary.”
The silhouette in the carrier paused a moment and puffed up.
“He is, but Menace still knows how to be polite with friends.” The first lock popped open with a flick of Diamond’s hoof. She lingered on the second one. “Right?”
A sulky little coo rumbled from the air holes. The second and third lock popped free, followed by the release latch at the top. Slowly, the front half of the carrier lifted up to reveal shadows cut by the great spread of Menace’s wings. It was a shame Doctor Belfry couldn’t appreciate the oil slick rainbows shimmering in his black feathers, nor the contrast to the patchy sickly bird from last month.
Menace marched along the couch cushion as he sized up this strange new mare with the dark blue coat and purple plaid vest. Belfry’s ears twitched and swiveled to follow his footsteps on the upholstery. “Good afternoon, you must be Menace.” She knelt to let the pigeon examine his reflection in her sunglasses, and couldn’t hold back her smile when he pecked at the pink lenses. “So this is the infamous criminal. Maximum security and all, my goodness.”
“We spared no expense.” Skipping the velour interior didn’t count.
The slender chain that threaded from Diamond’s hoof to Menace’s vest bumped against Belfry’s fetlock. She blinked and adjusted her glasses—an old force of habit, she’d once explained. “Is that a leash? I take it that his flying’s improved.”
Did flapping six inches from the cage to her hoof really count as flying? Diamond doubted it; he still corkscrewed and double-twisted his way everywhere else and half of those ended in crash landings. Luckily, most things in Diamond’s room could take a hit. “It keeps him out of trouble. The leash came with his new harness and flightsuit—here, I’ll show you.” She scooted closer.
Menace II Society cooed incredulously, watching Belfry’s primaries unfurl and stretch for him. Puffing his own feathers, he flapped and backed up Diamond’s foreleg.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” Diamond told him. “Besides, don’t you want to show off your tough new vest?”
Nopony, not even Fluttershy, had softer feathers or a gentler touch than Doctor Belfry. The edge of her feathers skimmed the slick sea leather covering Menace’s chest. “Feels like good quality.”
“It is, and it’s red so it’ll pop with his black and white colors. If he gets lost, it’ll be easier to find him, and Fluttershy says bright colors are good for scaring off predators. Kinda like one of those poison frogs, except instead of poison he’s got—”
“Spikes.” Belfry raised her eyebrows and gently tapped the sharp chrome. Twin lines of fearsome spikes ran the length of Menace’s spine, complemented by the rounded studs on his sides. Cats or hawks looking for an easy meal were in for a nasty surprise. Opalescence had found that out the hard way; hopefully, those stitches could come out soon. “Is this a pigeon or a porcupine? Heh, you’re not part dragon are you, Menace?”
As if Spoiled would’ve let anything less than a hundred-percent purebred fly in one of her weddings. Being part dragon would explain Menace hoarding that pile of coins in his nest, but being a Rich explained it a lot more. “The spikes were Rarity’s idea. I told her I wanted something to stop him picking at his feathers, but still let him feel big and strong.” Diamond gave her pigeon a harsh look. “Instead of pretending to literally die of embarrassment and scaring everypony half to death because he’s a butt.”
Menace looked up from investigating the therapist’s wing. He tilted his head, nibbling a loose blue feather he’d swiped.
“Yeah, you. A big smelly butt.”
“Hmm.” Doctor Belfry lowered the pink sunglasses. Her hazy purple eyes couldn’t focus, but always seemed to zero in on you anyway, wrong direction or not. “Yes, I suppose that’s one way to view it. But I can’t help but wonder if he might have had another reason.”
Diamond Tiara huffed. “Yeah, could’ve seen that coming. Uh—so to speak.”
Belfry only snickered.
Diamond’s mane dangled over the edge of the couch as she rolled on her back. “I guess just calling him a butt’s kind of a cheap answer, isn’t it?” Dad always said you get what you pay for. Quick fixes did the trick if she didn’t want to dig, but if Diamond wanted something valuable, she couldn’t settle for a discount solution.
Sharp little nails pricked her coat as Menace took his sweet time ambling down Diamond’s back leg. On the way, he took a figure-eight detour around her stomach before he finally settled on her chest. The soft purrs of his contented coo vibrated against her ribcage. One eye blinked, then the other. Slowly, his neck twisted around until his upside-down head went right-side-up. The handsome little jerk had an annoying habit of being impossible to stay mad at.
For a moment, Diamond considered apologizing for calling him a butt. Being sorry for it didn’t make it any less true though, so she didn’t. The label didn’t seem to bother him anyway. “You really scared me, you know that?”
The chain leash jingled with the flick of Menace’s tail.
“If you were Menace in that situation,” mused Belfry, “why do you think you would have done it?”
“I dunno… maybe I’d already be in a crummy mood because my neck hurt all the time? I remember when we finally took him to Doctor Fauna, she said that Menace probably had a rough time in the aviary and he used to spend all his time in there. I don’t think he’d ever been in a house before I got him.”
While she listened, Belfry rolled her shoulders and stretched her wings. Menace tensed, an angry ruff of feathers fluffing at the base of his vest collar until the pegasus folded her wings again.
It didn’t seem to bother him enough to start a fuss, but Diamond kept a tight grip on Menace’s chain anyway. “He doesn’t like other birds either way, but it’s still a huge change. If it were me, I’d feel nervous—”
Menace flapped his wings hard.
“—but luckily, Menace isn’t scared of anything.”
Doctor Belfry nodded. “It’s a good thing you have him around to protect you.”
Diamond grinned. “Yeah. And now that he’s got his new vest, everyone else knows to watch out.” After one too many accidents (and sore flanks), Dad had also learned to check before he sat down. “I bet it’s harder to scare anyone in a sweater vest, and it’s not like he can speak Ponish. I mean, we know how to communicate, but it’s not the same.” She rubbed the pretty rainbow feathers in Menace’s neck. “Guess he didn’t know any other way to tell me he hated it.”
Now that she thought about it, Diamond should have gotten the hint when Menace kept nipping at his buttons and pulling the crochet. Maybe he’d been telling her he hated the vest from the beginning. Maybe she just didn’t want to listen.
“He looked so cute in his little vest… and it’s not like Fluttershy gave it to him as a fashion statement, he had to keep warm and quit picking his feathers. I tried to tell him he only had to wear it until Rarity finished a new vest and harness, but he still threw a fit whenever a sweater came out.” In fact, Menace had resorted to attacking pony sweaters at this point. Diamond had no idea what she’d do when winter came. “Eventually, I gave up. He had to just walk around with his bald skin when Silver Spoon finally came to meet him.”
The doctor sat up, twitching her ears. “I heard you’d been grounded.”
“I was.” Diamond’s voice lowered into a quiet mumble. “Apple Bloom wanted to see my new pet, so she set up a pet day. Apparently, her big sister has them all the time. I hadn’t seen Silvie in two weeks and didn’t want to wait two more, so I negotiated.”
What a waste. A whole dinnertime brokering with Dad, and for what? She should have just been patient and waited out her sentence. By then, Menace would have had his new flightsuit, and maybe…
Diamond lashed her tail with a snort. Worrying about coulda-beens wasted everypony’s time—especially hers.
“Do you need a moment, Diamond Tiara? We can shelve this for now, if you want to.” The nice thing about Doctor Belfry was that when she said “later,” it always meant Diamond’s “later,” not hers. If that definition of “later” meant five minutes, five months, or five decades, the doctor wouldn’t argue.
In fact, if Diamond decided to drop the talk altogether and braid Belfry’s tail until the hour ended, she could. She could kick the punching bag in the corner until her hooves got sore, or play a game of Oligarchy (though playing with two ponies kind of missed the point). If she wanted to take a nap or call Spoiled Rich every bad name in the book, she could. And she had.
Taking five might be good. Diamond nodded.
Doctor Belfry waited patiently. “However,” she added after a quiet couple of minutes, “I can’t know your answer unless you tell it to me.” She felt at an empty spot on the couch. “I hope you didn’t sneak out on me. I lose more clients that way.”
“No, I’m still here. It’s fine. We can start again in a little bit.”
Diamond put Menace on the couch so she could sit up. This room had no windows, so Belfry had decorated the walls with art other foals had given her.
“You just put it up without looking at it? How do you know if the art’s any good?”
“Somepony put their heart into making them. They’re beautiful.”
The trippy portrait of an alicorn—not any of the princesses, but somepony with a black coat and an acid green and pink mane—didn’t fit Diamond’s definition of beauty, but whatever. She followed the wall up to an arched ceiling that went for miles and caught every sound. The uncomfortable coughs, the awkward laughter, and all the grueling confessions echoed and bounced right back. Everything said in here mattered—a fact that Diamond had once mentioned. Though Belfry appreciated the metaphor, she’d explained that the arched ceiling’s acoustics helped to pinpoint sounds.
Right now, the doctor’s horseshoes—the same kind worn by tap dancers—clicked across the hardwood as she headed for one of the toy shelves. After a moment of consideration, she picked out a slinky. One of the metal jumbo ones that could go down three flights of courthouse stairs.
Menace hopped to the edge of the armrest, watching light glint off the sides as the slinky flowed from hoof to hoof. Diamond considered giving the chain enough slack to let him flutter to the floor, but that still wouldn’t leave enough room to walk around. “Is it okay if I let him off-leash a little while? He can’t poop on anything while he’s wearing his outfit.”
The doctor flopped onto a beanbag, idly playing with the slinky. Sprawled halfway on the floor with her wings dangling at her sides, a passerby could have taken her for a lazy teenager killing time listening to rock records. Tipping her head back, she shrugged. “Hey, you’re the boss in here, remember? He’s your pigeon; you know him better than me.”
Wrapping the chain leash in her hooves, Diamond unhooked the vest and watched her pigeon explore the big lumpy beanbag and the noises it made when he pecked it. The office sofa stood on legs so tall that younger foals needed a ramp to reach the cushions. At this height, Diamond sat at Princess Celestia’s eye level. Nopony could look down on her; probably some psychological mumbo-jumbo to help foals spill their guts.
A pretty good trick, Diamond Tiara had to admit. “My plea deal said that I couldn’t go more than four miles from home, so pet day inside the barn was out.”
On the floor, Belfry looked up from her beanbag like a yearling waiting for storytime. “What, did your parents think you’d skip town?” The slinky stretched and bounced in a swirl of silver. Menace paced behind her head, burbling enviously.
“I think they realized that going any farther might be a good excuse to break my three-hour time limit.” Diamond wrinkled her nose. “Couldn’t even haggle for fifteen more minutes.” Her gut said that Doctor Belfry had a hoof in Dad’s new resolve, but she couldn’t call it out. Annoyingly, the confidentiality of one-on-one sessions applied to everypony. “So yeah, that’s why we met in Spoiled’s greenhouse.”
“She actually let your friends meet there unsupervised?” Doctor Belfry seemed pleased.
“Only because she didn’t want Apple Bloom and her dog in the main house. We would’ve met in the yard, but Randolph hates ponies running around on the grass, and Menace hadn’t gotten used to his leash yet. Besides, he likes the greenhouse. Right, Menace?”
Menace II Society snatched the middle of the slinky and gave it an experimental tug. Vibrations ripped outwards on both sides. With a flapped of excitement, he began to hop up and down, watching the ripples swell into tidal waves.
Diamond chose to take that as a yes. “We called it a pet day, but technically, Silvie’s the only one that brought her pet. Winona’s supposed to belong to the farm but she’s really more Applejack’s dog. Scootaloo doesn’t have anything, and Sweetie Belle wanted to bring her sister’s cat, but…”
Sweet Celestia there’s blood EVERYWHERE! What did you do to my baby, you vicious little monster?!
“…Opal and Menace aren’t exactly friends.” Maybe if Diamond sent another get-well bouquet, Rarity would lift the lifetime ban. “I figured it’d be easier to just get Silvie and Apple Bloom.”
“What sort of pet does Silver Spoon have?” The center of Belfry’s slinky slowly drew away from her. She kept a tight grip on her ends, while Menace pulled the middle backwards like a bowstring.
“A fish—one of those fancy fighting fish with the long flowy fins. He’s blue and his name’s Ferdinand. One time last year, Silvie brought him to school to show how he could swim through hoops and do jumps and dance.” Diamond rubbed the back of her neck. “And Menace…”
Menace pooped on the table and pecked at the glass bowl. If fish had eyelids, Ferdinand would have squinted at him. He slowly eased into the safety of his moss fronds and exchanged a look with Silver Spoon, troubled bubbles trailing out of his mouth.
Silver, of course, smiled politely—the classic let’s-be-optimistic-and-supportive smile she often pulled out at student council for President Pip’s proposals. The bad proposals. “Good afternoon, Menace II Society. It’s…” She stirred her tea as the pigeon hopped forward, shedding feathers behind him. Diamond couldn’t help but notice she’d added more sugar than usual today. “It’s a pleasure. My name is Sterling Silver Spoon, and this is my good friend, Ferdinand.”
Ferdinand continued to bubble grouchily.
“Don’t be rude. We’re meeting new friends.” Silver shook excess tea off her spoon, nodding kindly to Apple Bloom and Winona.
Winona plowed through a plate of cookies while Apple Bloom waved the sheepdog’s white paw for her. “Yeah, say hello, Winona!” Cookie crumbs tumbled out of Winona’s mouth. She wagged her tail and yipped.
Puffing his bald chest, Menace backed away from the wet nose slowly snuffling its way toward his feet.
Diamond gave him an encouraging smile. “It’s a new friend. You love new friends, right?”
Menace slapped at Winona’s nose with a wing and flapped to the safety of Diamond’s tiara.
“A little awkward, but that sounds perfectly natural for animals meeting each other for the first time,” Doctor Belfry said. “Especially if they aren’t used to being around other species.”
Diamond’s legs waved in the great gap of air between the couch and the floor. “The pets weren’t really the problem.”
Steam rose from the untouched tea in Silver’s hooves while she watched the pigeon thrust his neck into a teacup of safflower seeds. Flurries of pigeon dust swirled over his patchy feathers and bare skin and the tablecloth. Menace stared back at her with blank pus-white eyes. “He certainly is something,” she said.
Diamond’s eyes snapped up from her cucumber sandwich. “He’s beautiful.”
Menace coughed, scattering half-eaten seeds across the table before he pooped on the saucer.
“He doesn’t look like the pigeons we had in Manehattan. You… you said he’s a purebred?” Silver’s smile said I-don’t-get-it-but-I’m happy-you’re-happy. Her eyes said I’m-five-seconds-from-throwing-up. “Is, um… is that why he’s so… different?”
Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow. “Different how?”
Not even a flinch from Silver Spoon. She sipped her tea and said, “He’s not grey or chubby, and his neck’s long and curved. He reminds me of my grandmother’s cane.” Another long sip. Another shrug. Purposefully trying to diffuse the situation and avoid offense—avoid the truth.
She didn’t do it to be dishonest—not on purpose. Keeping the peace and maintaining decorum came naturally to Silver Spoon. She didn’t mean anything by it, and Diamond tried not to take it personally.
“I suppose you might call him… unique!”
Diamond tried very hard.
Menace’s head rolled 180 degrees in the wrong direction with a beak stuffed full of seeds and a neck made of rubber. The cup tipped under his weight, and the pigeon stumbled across the table, head wobbling and bobbling.
“He kinda looks like that drinky bird on Cheerilee’s desk, don’t he?” Apple Bloom giggled. “Ya know, I like him. He’s funny lookin’.”
The nerve! Even with a former Manehattanite’s natural anti-pigeon prejudice, at least Silver Spoon tried to be polite.
Heat flushed Diamond’s cheeks. “Your FACE is kinda funny looking, blank flank!” She sniffed at Winona, who let out a small warning yip. “And at least I gave my pet a bath. today”
Silver hid her muzzle behind an unusually long sip of tea and leaned in Apple Bloom’s direction.
“HAY! You—” Apple Bloom frowned at Silver Spoon. “No, I ain’t gonna apologize; she’s the one!” She swung around to lob Diamond’s glare right back at her. “There’s nothin’ wrong with my face, and who’n the hay are you callin’ a blank flank, anyway?”
“Well, I didn’t mean Silver and I certainly didn’t mean me.” Diamond fluffed her mane and pretended to dismissively examine the hydrangeas. “Process of elimination says it’s you, blank flank.”
“Diamond Tiara, that don’t even make any sense. My flank’s not even blank anymore!”
Curious about all the fuss, Menace flew to Diamond’s shoulder. It took him a couple of tries to get there. Diamond cupped his head in her hoof and gave him a kiss. “What a coincidence,” she sneered. “Menace isn’t funny looking. Guess we’re saying all sorts of things that aren’t true today.”
“And it went downhill from there.” By now, half of Diamond’s body had slid off the couch. “Silvie tried to distract us with small talk, but we managed to get into another fight anyway. Somewhere in there, I called Winona a rental dog, and Bloom’s all like, ‘Least she’s got manners and isn’t too dumb to follow orders’ and… yeah.” She sighed. “I’m sorry, doctor.”
Doctor Belfry had been sitting up and alert for a while now, and she adjusted the pink glasses on the tip of her muzzle as she absorbed the information. “It’s good to know that you’re sorry, Diamond. However, I feel—”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re not the one I should apologize to.” Being grounded had been a good excuse to avoid it. Now that her sentence was up, Diamond found herself tiptoeing around Apple Bloom’s usual haunts and conversations with the other two Crusaders floated in awkward limbo. “I don’t want to, though. Like, I’m sorry about it, but also not. You know?”
“You feel bad about what you said, but not why you said it.”
Diamond nodded.
The doctor flicked her tail in thought. “Why did you call her a blank flank when she isn’t one?”
“Because thin ponies never stop thinking they’re fat.” Mom had told her that—usually in the context of spin, advertising, or psyching out the competition (same thing, really). The last time she’d said it, Mom had been watching Spoiled from across the War Room. “I knew it’d work, and I got so mad about what she said about Menace.”
On the floor, Menace wrestled the slinky’s vicious metal coils in mortal combat. He’d already wrested it from Belfry’s clutches, but that had just been round one. Diamond smiled watching him. How could Dainty have ever given away such a priceless little dove? What an idiot.
“It’s weird,” Diamond said. “It’s not the first time somepony’s said something nasty about him. I’m pretty sure Apple Bloom didn’t even really mean anything by it, not the way Dainty Dove threatened to feed him to the cat, or how Spoiled calls him a gutterbird.” These days, admittedly, it leaned more towards a term of endearment. “Cousin Buttermilk said he looked like a weird turkey, too. But none of that bothered me the way ‘funny looking’ did.”
Doctor Belfry leaned in her beanbag chair and steepled her hooves. “It can feel a bit different when it comes from somepony whose opinion you respect. As if they’ve betrayed your trust.”
Diamond Tiara snorted hard. “Pff, as if I give half a bit about Bloom’s opinion.” Heat flushed her face, and she snorted again. “What’s she know about pedigrees? Her dog’s a mutt.”
In the corner of Diamond’s eye, her therapist tapped quick notes on her braille typewriter.
“Thing is… she also wasn’t wrong about him not listening, and I got embarrassed and… well, why doesn’t he listen to me? I’m nice to him, he likes me, and I know he understands most of what I say. Other pigeons carry messages and play table tennis and read street signs, but I can’t even get mine to stop biting my butler or quit pooping on the rug! Pony’s sake, Ferdinand listens and he doesn’t even have ears.”
Metal jangled along the hardwood while Menace sauntered circles around the beanbag, dragging the slinky behind him. He bobbed his head and shook it at Belfry, quite proud of himself. The doctor made a token grab for it before he scampered away.
“Oh, stealing from blind ponies just to tease them? I see how it is.” Belfry made a show of shaking her hoof at him. She humphed, typed a few more notes, and turned back to Diamond. “Training is built on relationships, and just like with ponies, relationships take time to build. That’s true even if you’re both already close.”
With a non-committal mumble, Diamond eased off the couch in a hard clack of hooves. She began to pace.
“Is training Menace the only thing bothering you?”
“Maybe.” Circling the punching bag, Diamond paused. “I dunno. It’s weird.”
“How so?”
Plap. The bag rocked with Diamond’s kick. “Until now, everything about Menace has been a fight.” Plap-plap. “I fought to get him away from the dove keeper, I had to fight Spoiled to keep him—” Plap-plapplap-plap. “—and when we got home, I fought to keep him alive and convince everypony around me not to give up on him.” The chain creaked, swinging so far back the bag bumped the wall. “Apple Bloom insulting him almost felt good. At least I knew what to do, then.”
With the slinky thoroughly mangled and humiliated, Menace took to exploring the rest of the office. He flapped up to a chair, then a doll shelf, picking at the button eyes and tugging yarn hair.
Diamond made the kissy noise to call him back, but he ignored her. Hopefully, all this talk hadn’t hurt his feelings. “These days it’s just the two of us, and I don’t need to fight anypony anymore. The other day, I mentioned to Spoiled how I’d read pigeons mate for life and parents raise the babies together until they’re almost grown instead of kicking them out of the nest.”
A quick series of notes tapped along Doctor Belfry’s typewriter. “How did that go?”
“…Good, actually.” Diamond Tiara sat on her rump and frowned, still watching the swinging bag. “She told me she hadn’t known that about pigeons in this sorta thoughtful way and went back to her magazine. Spoiled still doesn’t like Menace, but she doesn’t hate him anymore. I think he’s growing on her.”
Dad needed a bit more time after Menace shattered thousands of bits’ worth of imported salt and brandy. The constant nipping and wing-slaps didn’t help, either.
“The weird part’s that, after it happened, I saw how Spoiled looked at Menace a tiny bit differently, and I wanted to take it back. I wanted to make it so that I never said anything at all.”
“Enemies can make it easier to focus your goal, and goals are markers for progress.” Doctor Belfry capped off her notes and extended a gentle wing. “But you know, Diamond, you don’t always need a fight or an enemy to make progress.”
Diamond raised an eyebrow. “You told me there’s always a struggle.”
“I did. A struggle and a fight aren’t quite the same things.” The doctor settled beside Diamond, a healthy distance from the swinging punching bag. “For example, you can struggle with a math problem, but that doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly got a blood feud with algebra.”
“I guess.” Diamond still didn’t see how she was supposed to win without an opponent to beat. Looking back on it, loving something only she appreciated had felt justified. Earned. “You know how I’ve been grounded the past two weeks?”
A smile flicked across Belfry’s muzzle. “I hear it’s been a key opportunity to develop your harmonica skills.”
“Well, besides becoming more talented than I already am, I also got to spend lots of time with Menace, and…”
There had to be some way of saying this that didn’t end with somepony’s I-Told-You-So. Doctor Belfry had explained (several times) how needing help or being wrong didn’t make ponies losers. If anything, realizing those things supposedly helped them become winners because loss helped you learn. It still felt like a kick in the teeth, though. Admitting setbacks never got any easier.
Diamond flattened her ears. “Okay, don’t tell anypony I said this...”
“Total confidentiality.”
“Keeping a pet’s harder than I thought it’d be. Dad won’t let me have the maids clean his perches or change his cage liner, so I do pretty much everything myself.” That jab about the Riches raising their own children came back to bite her, and it had nasty teeth. “I didn’t mind it when I couldn’t go anywhere anyway, but now that I need to cram in pageant practice, and strategy sessions with Silver, and hang out with my other friends, my day’s always packed. I don’t always have time to play with him, and if I take him along with me—”
A pile of storybooks tumbled off a shelf behind them. Menace climbed out of the rubble, waddling over crayon illustrations of how sadness made ponies feel inside.
“Yeah, that happens.” Diamond had no idea what she’d do when she left for Regionals in Appleloosa next month.
“Menace is—” Belfry frowned in the direction of another crash, clearly restraining a sigh. “Menace is part of your family. That means compromise; you can’t expect to introduce a new element into the mix without some change. …He didn’t break anything over there, did he?”
Diamond leaned back to view the carnage. “Uh, a box of crayons, and that book’s kinda crumpled. …And I don’t think you have a slinky anymore.”
She didn’t restrain the sigh this time, though Belfry still smiled at the sound of a mangled slinky dragging across the floor. “You’ve only had him a month and you’re still learning about each other.” The smile grew. “And you know what? That never stops.”
“Never?”
“Nope. I’ve known my mother for almost thirty years and have four psychology degrees, and learned just last week that she has chiroptophobia.” Casually, Doctor Belfry rubbed her chin as if the idea had struck out of nowhere. “Hm. Speaking of mothers…”
Diamond brushed off the segue with a flick of her tail. “Nice try, Belfry. Not this month.”
“Had to give it a shot.” Little bird feet slapped behind them. Belfry flicked an ear. “Alright, then on the subject of stepmothers, how have things been with Spoiled?”
Menace strutted to Diamond’s side, proudly sporting his new mangled slinky necklace. With the spikes of his vest, it looked like a metal snake had lost a fight with a barbed-wire fence. Diamond tried to untangle him, but he flicked his tail and cooed in protest. Apparently, he wanted to wear the trophy home. She shrugged. “You saw her yesterday; don’t you know?”
“I know her version of the story, not yours.” The typewriter clacked as she typed, while one of her back hooves skimmed notes from yesterday’s session. “She mentioned a recent trip to see family in Canterlot?”
“Yeah, that’s when Buttermilk called my bird a turkey.” Diamond blew a strand of mane from her face. “Like he’s even seen a turkey; he’s five and lives next to a dairy complex. I bet he only knows about them because of his nanny’s stories.”
Jangling with bouncing little hops, Menace circled back to flutter into Diamond’s lap. He stretched his neck just in case she hadn’t seen his war trophy. As compensation for his valiant efforts in the line of duty and conquering the metal springy thingy that looked at him funny, Diamond Tiara gave him feather scritches.
“The trip went fine. Spoiled was… well, she’s been worse. My aunt called us down for an emergency, but then it turned out she’d just spilled her hoof polish and ruined her Gala dress, and wanted Spoiled’s help getting a new one. It put her in a bad mood, but it went fine, otherwise. We didn’t fight the whole trip because she was too busy being mad about wasting a train trip and worrying for no reason. Aunt Honeymilk let me eat a whole cheesecake, and Menace stayed in his carrier all day. It went fine, like I said.”
Belfry hummed in modest approval.
“On the train ride home, though…”
“No.” The novel lowered a quarter-inch to reveal the brunt of Spoiled Rich’s disapproving gaze, just in case a simple ‘no’ wouldn’t suffice. Which it wouldn’t. Before Diamond finished opening her mouth, Spoiled added, “He lasted the past six hours, he can stand one more. We’re in public. Nopony needs to see your ragged little malcontent staggering all over the car. He’ll turn stomachs.”
Diamond Tiara looked around. Empty tables and lonely benches to the right. To the left, more barren suede benches, the door, and their luggage (Spoiled didn’t trust the baggage ponies). “Whose stomachs? Mother, we’re the only ones here.”
A page turned. “Details.”
“What if I let him out for only a few minutes? He’s been in there all day and needs to stretch his wings—”
“And whose fault is that? I told you to leave him home, did I not?”
“—and I promise to keep him on his leash the whole time. Please, Mother?”
Compromise had never been a strong suit for Spoiled Rich, especially when it came to foals. However, this particular foal had the decency to ask instead of demand, which was more than she could have said for other adults in her family. Again, she peered over the edge of her novel. “Alright. If you must.”
“I must, yes.”
“Mm.” The tip of her tail flicked and swished while Spoiled pretended not to watch Diamond nuzzling her pigeon and whisper encouragements while she clipped on the bird leash.
“You’re my big tough Menace, huh? No prison can hold you, no it can’t.” Diamond gave him another little kiss. “No, it can’t!”
At the time, Menace still hadn’t grown completely accustomed to the feeling of being tethered to Diamond’s hoof. Back home, Rarity was still putting finishing touches on his spikey vest, and the bare harness rubbed against his new pin feathers. He decided to give them a break this evening. Just happy to finally be out of the carrier, he settled for skipping around Diamond’s withers and nipping at her mane instead of his harness.
The novel lowered into Spoiled’s lap. “Are you certain you can keep that animal under control?”
Settled behind the tiara, Menace watched the rush of lights and buildings and trees outside the window. He crept forward so that his chest pressed against the steel spires and diamond studs to get a better look. Diamond nudged the dangling leash out of her face. “Positive.”
Spoiled shut her novel with a snap. “Come along, then. We’re going to the dining car.” At Diamond’s surprised expression, she clarified, “That scrawny busboy can’t even keep his ratty mane straight; I doubt he’ll do much better with my order. It needs to be personally delivered.” She motioned Diamond to follow. “And I want you where I can keep an eye on you. Especially that one.”
Menace tipped his head to the side with a pleasant little coo. Spoiled Rich sneered at him.
Outside the Executive Car, the rich-but-not-wealthy ponies packed First Class shoulder to shoulder. Spoiled passed them all without a glance and her nose firmly in the air. Diamond cantered a few steps behind, locking eyes with the occasional bystander.
A stallion in a boater hat turned in one of the adjacent aisles, lifting his eyebrows at the scraggly little bird riding high on a rich filly’s scalp. He tapped his friend on the shoulder and pointed. Diamond smiled at them. Why yes, her dove was the pinnacle of avant-garde beauty. So kind of him to notice. The stallions chuckled and smiled back in that endeared, condescending way adults usually had.
Menace began to pace, stretching his wings and cooing louder than usual, the way he did at dinner time. “What’s the matter? If you’re hungry, we’re already going to get—”
Something bright flashed in the corner of Diamond’s eye. Before she could react, a body jutted in front of her and somepony’s hoof came down hard on hers. Diamond winced and yanked back with a yelp. Startled by the sudden movement, Menace flapped to the floor, scattering feathers and flecks of pigeon dust across the carpet.
Great. Ten steps out and they’d already made a mess.
“Excuse me, we didn’t see—” Diamond blinked up at the unicorn frowning down at her: trendy summer jacket, rings in her ears, gold at her throat, gems in her tail, bracelets on every hoof, and a personality even tackier than her wardrobe. Carat Cut. “…we didn’t see you there.”
“Do watch where you’re going next time, young lady.” She quirked her eyebrows. “Oh, you’re the mouthy little thing from the wedding—Spoiled’s filly. I see your manners have scarcely improved.”
Five seats ahead, Spoiled Rich turned at the sound of her name. Diamond couldn’t read her expression with the snotty mare in the way, but guessed that she wouldn’t be happy. Especially not with more ponies in the aisles turning to see the fuss.
Fires in Diamond’s gut urged her to bite back. A greater urge to avoid an hour of nagging and lectures beat back the flames. It really had been an accident, and it’d be better to move on. Besides, she was hungry. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to.”
“We?” Carat Cut glanced down to see Menace straining his leash with the gleam of shiny copper bracelets in his eyes. “AUGH! What is that filthy pigeon doing on a public train? That can’t be sanitary.”
Menace’s neck sloped to the side.
A dark light gleamed in Carat’s green eyes. She took in the patchy skin, scraggly feathers, and wry neck of Canterlot’s most infamous cake terrorist. The wedding destroyer. “You.” Menace II Society cooed at her. Before Diamond could pull him back, he hopped forward.
Carat Cut kicked him.
The typewriter stopped and Doctor Belfry looked up. “Wait, did she just kick at him, or did the hoof actually connect?”
“Not hard, but she still hit him, and he didn’t even touch her ugly bracelets!” The chain leash twisted tight in Diamond’s grip. She breathed hard through her nose.
“Like, I even apologize to her after she steps on MY hoof, and then she goes and kicks him! Spoiled hated him more than Dainty, Fluttershy’s birds, and Rarity’s cat put together, but she never tried to hurt him.” Diamond forced herself to take a breath. She’d wrapped the leash so tight that she lost circulation in her fetlock. “...I don’t think I’ve been that mad since I got in that fight with Silver. The kind of mad where I’m so angry I can’t breathe, I can’t see or talk or anything.”
“Yes, we’ve talked about that feeling, and possible ways to manage it.” Belfry steepled her hooves. “What did you decide to do with your anger that day?”
“The only thing I could.”
Menace flew into Diamond’s waiting hooves, stumbling through the air the whole way. He pressed into her chest fur as Diamond wrapped him in a protective hug. Little Diamond Tiara stared up at the mare, bearing wide, crestfallen baby blues. Her bottom lip trembled. “Wh-why would you do that? My birdy’s sick! Why did you DO that?!”
By now, more than half of the First Class car was staring at them. The stallion in the boater hat murmured in sympathy and shook his head as the first tear rolled down Diamond’s cheek. She had the entire car in the frog of her hoof.
Carat Cut pulled at her collar. “Oh… hey, now…”
Showtime. Diamond Tiara’s face scrunched in a flood of tears. Not the dignified little droplets of somepony watching a sad opera. Not the sad little whines of a lost foal in the market. No, the rolling, thick, shoulder-shaking tears that weren’t pretty or cute. The real stuff. “Why a-a-are you be-being s-s-so mean to meeeee?”
Spoiled Rich watched some feet away, frowning. She looked at Carat, she looked at Diamond, and then looked at the rest of the train. She made her move.
“Diamond!” She rushed forward, nudging a surprised Carat Cut aside. Spoiled crouched beside her stepfoal and wrapped a protective foreleg around her withers. “Oh there, there, sweetheart, whatever’s the matter?”
Maybe Spoiled didn’t have Diamond’s talent or experience working a crowd, but she could still follow a lead when she saw one, and any socialite worth her trust fund knew how to fake sympathy. She might not have even had to fake it that much.
“W-well, I… I was just walking d-down the aisle…” With a pathetic little whimper, Diamond wiped her eyes and pointed. “And then this lady stepped on my hoof, and it really hurt. I told her I was sorry, but she called me a mouthy brat a-and-and she said my dove was dirty and disgusting and that he shouldn’t be on the train, and then—” She broke into a fresh batch of tears. “And then she—she kicked him!”
First Class gasped.
Carat Cut shrank under the collective glare of forty-two passengers, three baggage ponies, and a ticket taker. “I—now, Mrs. Rich, that’s not quite what happened.” She attempted a kind smile. “The young filly’s just a little overexcited—”
“My hoof, she is!” The stallion in the boater hat jumped up. “I saw the whole thing, and that’s exactly what happened.”
Spoiled Rich shook her head. “Picking on an innocent little filly and her disabled pet—you ought to be ashamed. The poor little dove can hardly fly and he’s been sick all summer. He nearly died last month, but my daughter nursed him back to health.”
“He can’t help the way he looks, ma’am, but I’m sorry if he bothered you.” For flavor, Diamond sniffled and cuddled her pet closer. Menace cooed and blinked, probably wondering why everypony on the train was staring at him like a cancer patient.
Carat’s cheeks turned the color of a ripe radish. Though on the lower end of the Canterlot elite, few ponies on this train came within sneezing range of her income tax bracket, and she wouldn’t see their names in the society pages. They didn’t matter in the long run; none of their names carried.
Somepony a few rows back muttered “poor bird.” Others whispered words like “shameful,” “disgraceful,” and wondered what the kingdom was coming to if the thoroughbreds treated small animals and children this way.
But talk traveled, regardless of class, and it was forty-five to one. Only a fool would try those odds. Carat sighed. “I’m sorry, young filly.”
“Diamond.” For a second—a tiny fraction of a second—a sharp slice of a smile cracked the façade. She stared the unicorn in the eye. “My name is Diamond Tiara.” Sniffling, she dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief a bystander gave her.
“Then I apologize, Diamond Tiara.” Amazing how Carat Cut got a word out with her teeth clenched that tight. “It was rude of me.”
“Th-that’s okay, ma’am.” Diamond blinked shyly at the rest of the train. “M’sorry again for running into you.”
Spoiled chucked an airy all’s-well-that-ends-well chuckle and leaned into Diamond’s ear. “Alright, now you’re milking it.”
“And I’m all like, ‘it’s not milking it, it’s called a finishing move.’ Besides, everypony loves my apology smile.” Diamond let the edge of her hoof skim over Menace’s spikes. “Anyway, that’s how we got free dessert and a discount on dinner.”
The pigeon perked up, watching Doctor Belfry rise from the typewriter and approach them. Light winked off the pink mirror shades with a tilt of her head. “I’m curious, Diamond. How much of that did you actually plan?”
She shrugged. “Not much to plan; I capitalized on what I had to work with, that’s all.” Unhappy burbles rumbled in Menace’s throat, but the constant stroke of Diamond’s hoof kept him calm. While he was distracted, she clipped the leash back on. “Didn’t count on Spoiled playing along, though. That was kind of neat, even though she told me later not to make a habit out of it.”
“And you can really cry on cue? Just like that?”
“Sure, it’s easy. All I need to do is think about—” Diamond skimmed the edge of her teeth with her tongue and glanced at the wall. “—you know, stuff. Sad stuff.”
“Ah, yes. An old method acting trick.” Belfry’s wing stroked her chin. “What sort of ‘sad stuff’ do you think of?”
“Trade secret. Maybe I’ll share it one day.”
“I would like that, Diamond.” A bell chimed. “For a later date, I suppose. For now, that’s our time.” Belfry fetched a section from her notes while Diamond herded her bird into the carrier. “Here are a few things I’d like you to work on until our next one-on-one.”
Surprise, surprise, talking to Apple Bloom (AKA: “contextualizing her feelings”) sat at the top of the list, followed by the usual anger management exercises and, for some reason, a suggestion to keep playing the harmonica.
“Oh, uh, sorry about your slinky, doc. I can pay you for it or—”
Doctor Belfry held up a wing and shook her head. “Things are just things. There’s more where that came from. Come on, I’ll walk you out.”
Outside, two economist journals spread across the waiting room coffee table. Dad juggled trying to read both at once while he also took notes and narrated them to Spoiled. Little of it seemed to sink in, but it distracted Spoiled from constantly staring out of the blinds. Still, she glanced at the window every few minutes, on watch for paparazzi, nosy neighbors, or whoever else might be lurking in the depths of the hallway, hungry for the chance to tell all of Equestria that the Rich family had been seeking therapy.
“Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Rich.” Doctor Belfry smiled. “No trenchcoats and fedoras today?”
“Don’t be absurd, Belfry. It’s nearly ninety degrees and sunny outside.” Spoiled adjusted her wide-brimmed hat and chunky sunglasses. A lace parasol big enough to occupy its own chair leaned next to her.
“Welcome back, Diamond. How’d it go?” Dad eyed Menace’s carrier warily. “We heard a crash in there.”
“Hi, Dad. We had a talk and the doctor gave Menace a new toy.” Diamond smiled at the carrier, then back at Belfry. “It went good, right?”
She nodded. “I think so, yes. We’ve had progress, I think.”
Pricking her ears, Spoiled sat up hopefully.
“And I’m excited to make even more when the four of us meet for next Wednesday’s group session.”
Spoiled slumped again. “Well. Progress is always good news, I suppose.”
“It’s fantastic news.” Dad wrapped Diamond in a side-hug and kissed the top of her forehead. “You know, it’s such a nice day outside, and the economy’s booming, so I was thinking…” He paused to let the anticipation sink in. “Why don’t we all go out and get an ice cream franchise to celebrate?”
Spoiled raised an eyebrow. “Startup or established?”
“Oooh!” Diamond Tiara bounced on her hooves. “Ooh, can I get a majority share? Please?”
“It’s still a startup, but word of mouth is very good,” said Dad. He wished Doctor Belfry a pleasant rest of the day and led his family into the hallway. “You can have twenty-five percent, Diamond.”
The parasol popped open over Spoiled’s shoulder, despite the fact that they weren’t even outside yet. “Fil, don’t be absurd. The child is eleven; she has no business having a quarter share of a franchise, startup or not. We must set boundaries.” She ignored Diamond’s groan of protest. “Ten percent is more than reasonable.”
Diamond groaned louder. Inside the carrier, Menace cooed in solidarity.
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And that's a wrap. Share your seeds and stay coo, y'all.
Bravo! Bravissimo!
An excellent read again, Miss Poltergeist, and I had a blast prereading.
Loved the ending
Up next..
Dr Belfry once more has to spend her weekend afternoon foiling the Dink in her attempts to access the patient files and find out where all the bodies are actually buried.
She can never find out the true identity of the Batmare.
Birds are a kind of dinosaur. Dr. Hammond would be proud.
Dang. Menace has gone full postapocalypse. I guess we really can't get beyond Thunderdove.
Sad but understandable to see that Diamond and Apple Bloom still get along like fire and gasoline. Reformation doesn't happen in a day when not supplemented by the Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything™.
Interesting to see that while Spoiled is still Spoiled, her family qualifies as Diamond's aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Ah, there's a lovely bookend. Spoiled going from apologizing for Diamond to working alongside her. Lovely to see.
All told, a wonderful tale of Diamond Tiara getting exactly what she deserves. And I love Dr. Belfry, both in attitude and office design. Thank you for a great read.
I know they're just fillies, but did Diamond Tiara and Sweetie Belle really think it would be a good idea to let a cat interact with a bird?
This was a nice story and it clearly shows that even after everything Diamond still has to work on improving herself. Introducing Opalescence to a rowdy bird could not have ended well. I wonder if Discord secretly recorded the whole event.
9389313
The girls probably developed their ideas about animal relationships from visiting Fluttershy's cottage where you can see natural enemies being best friends all the time. Unfortunately they aren't Fluttershy.
Hahaha, that ending was adorable.
A wonderful ending, to be sure!
Also, "Batina Belfry" is still the best pony name for a therapist.
Did you reveal before that Dr. Belfry is blind as a bat? That was quite funny.
Was the reason Diamond was grounded for a month revealed in the first place and I missed it, or is this a "noodle incident?"
Great to see Spoiled and Diamond teaming up on Carat. I doubt her reputation will escape unharmed even with an apology; snobs have always looked down on animal cruelty (unless it falls under hunting or fashion).
I think you might have a timeline error, it sounds like you're saying Menace visited the school with Diamond last year when Silver brought her Beta Fish to school.
Someday Belfry will get DT to talk about her Mom, but that day is not today!
And I love imagining Spoiled in that parasol and sunhat that probably calls way more attention to her than anything.
Thanks for giving us the best answer we'll ever get on "how did Spoiled and Diamond reconcile after Crusaders of the Lost Mark."
A great ending to a great story! Diamond and Menace are adorable together, and I love Dr. Belfry, she seems so nice!
I do wonder what Spoiled's reasoning is for wanting all of them to leave the train car together as soon as she reluctantly gave permission to let Menace out. She was just saying she didn't want ponies to see him, then she wants them to leave the unoccupied train car to go to the very busy one just to supposedly to bug the busboy? Maybe I'm just reading too much into it and her intentions are pure, but it does make me wonder if she wanted to subconsciously 'shame' DT or herself (by association) by having people gaze upon that which is Menace.
I really love how you write characters. Like, I know a shit ton of symbolism and really deep seated reasoning for why your characters do and say what they do is lost on me, but there's still more than enough for me to be able to grasp and understand to really love the depth you give to the characters. If you have written/ever decide to write original fiction, let me know, because while there are many MAAAANY great books by many authors out there waiting to be read, it can be hard to find THE authors. The ones with the perfect mix of great story and great writing style that hits all the right notes for the individual reader's preferences.
If you don't or aren't planning to write original stuff, do you have any major influences? I'm always on the lookout for great fiction.
Maredevil--The Shrink Without Fear!
Ah, it's a shame the show can't usually manage this level of character writing. All the little nuances and personality tidbits really make a character come to life. The show has had 8 seasons, more than enough time to develop many aspects of its world... yet it has so often floundered and repeated conflicts that had been resolved previously, or introduced new villains with only the thinnest of plotting.
It's why I'm still here while I can barely watch the show anymore. Half the episodes this past season were just painful.
That was a delightful story, and way more feelsy than I was expecting. I've been recommending it to bird fans.
9346974
They should never have put their faith in Blast Hardcheese.
This was way too much fun to read. Thank you for making it.
For some reason it's really interesting, but hard to read.
January! Wow I let this chapter slip a long time...
Really like how this ended up, and the therapy session is a good device for it. Nice to see more of Diamond growing a bit, but maintaining the edge that makes her stand out.
9393066
I believe the grounding was due to Diamond throwing something at Spoiled. The fact that the thing she had thrown and the force she had thrown it at had dented a wall didn't help matters. I mean, it sounded like even Diamond recognized that she had crossed a line the moment after she did it.
You can has review!
I really enjoyed Diamond playing the crowd on the train. Great scene.
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!
This was a delight. I had greatly enjoyed The Silver Standard and the other related stories, but this one I had missed. From start to end, extremely strong. Both the characters and their interactions felt entirely real, and the ending was just delightful.
This was quite a good story with a lovely ending. Carat Cut got what she deserved and the family seems to be getting better. It has been a great time reading these stories. It has taken me nearly 6 months of reading non-stop for me to get to this point. It was worth every moment. Belfry was really nice and adorable, the Menace was being himself as always.