I Blinked
She lies on the wooden table, a blanket covering her hind quarters. She looks tired, but not exhausted. That must be the methadone.
Dr. Fauna stands silent, staring at me, but not looking at me. She seems caught in thought, her eyes scanning a bigger picture of my current state. I wish I could see through her eyes. Mine don’t seem to be functioning quite right. What I see was my dog sitting on the table that came up to nearly the top of my leg. My Winona. My family's Winona. This couldn’t be right. This couldn’t be real
And she's smiling.
But an hour ago, she wasn't. And it’s my fault.
I blink. I saw her this morning while my family and I were having breakfast. I got to see them off as they went to Canterlot. Winona chased squirrels in the orchard this morning while I bucked apples. All smiles. All wags.
"I do think you're making a very understandable, humane decision, Applejack," Dr. Fauna says. "She was getting very old."
"I know," I say, my words feeling far off and empty. I wish I could say something else. I wish I could reassure the doctor that I am going to be okay. I'm sure it’s difficult for her too. It can't be easy to watch, no matter how many times it happens to a vet. I feel bad, guilty even. It’s not right that I have to make another pony shoulder even an ounce of this weight that threatens to buckle my hooves and snap my spine.
I try to moisten my tongue and say a few more words without my voice cracking.
"I think I'd like a few moments alone, please."
Fauna nods silently, then steps outside of the stagnant examination room. I draw a shallow breath. Winona's eyes are focused on me once the doctor leaves the room. It’s just me, and her.
I know that animals are much smarter than we give them credit. Winona knows she's sick. ‘Infected’, was Fauna's word. Fault wasn't a question or ever brought up, but I know exactly where it lies. It churns my stomach.
It felt like I had only blinked. Maybe if I hadn’t blinked, then I never would have missed what had been hurting her. I could have seen the signs of her ailment. Then she wouldn’t be here right now, on this table. Then she would be okay. It just happened too fast. Maybe I’m just blind. Maybe I’m just a bad pet owner.
No. Stop. I can't dwell on the "what if's", "could have's", or "should have's" right now. She will sense my mood and realize what's happening. I don't want that to be on her shoulders. It should be peaceful. Easy.
At least... maybe I won’t feel like such a bad pony in all of this.
My breath comes out in a fragile wisp as I step beside her. She pants happily, but slowly. Laboredly. A vision enters my head of the crimson grass. The delicate whimper. I close my eyes and get down on her level, pushing the thought from my mind.
"Hey girl," I say in my gentle, caring tone. "How ya doin?"
I open my eyes and she makes direct eye contact with me. I feel her hot panting on my skin. Her breath smells just like normal. I can see the edges of her mouth where she chewed her gums scarlet on a rawhide bone. I spoiled her with on her birthday. That poor thing didn't even last two days. I can't help but smile, although tears well in my eyes. Just last night she was cuddled up with me on my bed. One last time.
That’s when I should have known. Winona always patrols the house. Every night I would fall asleep to the gentle tacking of her nails on hardwood. I'd wake up to her scratches at my bedside table when she needed to step outside for doggy business. She almost never sleeps in my bed with me. Never. I should have-
I catch myself as a tear drips down the side of my face.
"At least we got to your twelfth birthday, huh girl?" I say with every ounce of warmth that I have in me.
She doesn't seem to react. She sniffs at the air while looking around the room. I reach a hoof out and scratch the back of her exposed ear. I feel my body tremble as hers shakes. My words are caught in my throat.
"I know that Gran, Mac, and Applebloom really wish they were here, girl," I whisper. "But I know if they were, they'd tell you how much they love you. How you were the perfect dog... How..."
My voice trails once more because I feel myself choking up. I cannot break. I will not break.
I glance down to the entry point the vet has made in her paw. Her delicate little paw. Still strong. My mind tricks me into thinking that all of this is some sort of sick prank. She could stand up on all four paws right now and we'd head home and everything would go back to normal.
However, I also know that... I could. I could make that happen. Three days in intensive care. I could take a mortgage out on the farm. I could work an extra job somewhere and harvest until the sun goes down.
But, I can't. I can't risk everything for-
Winona pulls her paw away from my hoof and places it down on top of mine.
She makes eye contact with me, again. Her mouth curls at the ends into that smile. That signature smile that would make the bad days better. Even when I was a filly, she would come to me with her little red ball, wearing her wonderful smile, and it could pick me up out of the darkest storm cloud.
I don't have Fluttershy's way with animals. I don't claim to be a vet. And maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking what I wanted to hear.
But I swear, with just a look, she said...
"It's okay. I understand."
And then my knees give away. A tingling numbness overwhelms my form. I feel my world shatter around me until there’s nothing but me and my best friend. Warm streams run down my face. I hear somepony in the room crying. I close my eyes and lay my head on her. My ear presses against her neck and I listen to that gentle, faint pulsing of her heart. I know if it wasn't for the drugs, she would be in pain.
I can't let my best friend be miserable.
I can't force her to be unhappy just because I'm not ready to be without her.
I have to do this.
"Okay," I call out, with some voice other than my own.
I lift my head and blink away the blur from my vision. I lock eyes with her. I try to communicate back to her with whatever power I have in my soul, in my body, in my cutie mark, that I love her.
Dr. Fauna enters the room. Her hoovesteps echo off the walls.
"There will be three shots," she says. "One to clean, one to put her to sleep, and one to..."
Her voice trails off, and I nod. I keep looking into her eyes, unmoving.
'I love you, Winona,' I think.
In the peripheral, I see the first shot. I feel a lump in my throat swell. I feel like I'm being forced to breathe through a wet towel; drowning on dry land.
I try to ignore the second shot. Her body becomes still, no longer shaking. An unnatural stillness. She breathes out, just like if she were ready to sleep.
"I love you, Winona," I say, realizing that faraway voice is my own. "I'm sorry."
She lays her head down on my hoof. Her eyes close, and I feel her breathing against me. I bite my lip.
Then, the third.
Her body rises, then falls. The warm, humid breeze on my hoof disappears.
"I'll never forget you."
And then, I blink.
I'm sorry for doing this, or if it comes off as attention seeking. I needed this.
Thank you. Thank you to everyone who supported the Patreon that helped make his life as comfortable as it was. I can never thank any of you enough.
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this is so sad and it makes me want to cry
Losing a dog is hard, but they will be remembered well. Their love for us is real, just as our love is for them. They don't lay blame, they don't point fingers, and they are always trying to make us happy. Even at the end. We just do the best we can with them, and I know it was enough in this case. More than enough.
RIP
He was the best boy.
To the goodest boy
tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.PKPDUzPbIxt65X3miVxMhwHaG-&pid=Api
Sorry about your loss. I wrote 'A Sterling Family' for the very same reason.
Having experienced the loss of several dogs over the years, I'm not sure I want to read this. Still I'll try.
Dreadnought
dragonforce lyrics feel a little appropriate here:
Hold on, stay strong
'Til the end, not afraid of dying
No more, what for?
Nothing left but to keep on fighting
got your back my dude
He was a good boy, it sounds like.
I'm sorry, Priest.
Good story. I am sorry to hear about your dog *hugs*. Im sure you will see him again someday. I hope the best for you in this difficult time.
I can sympathize. Stay strong.
Wonderful heartwarming and heartbreaking little one shot
. I felt my heart srunch up when reading this, especially at this line:
Priest, I just want to say that you have my deepest condolenses for the loss of you're dog (which looks beautiful by the way), and I am very sorry that you had to lose him. Dogs are a wonderful thing that we are blessed with...they're kind, loyal, loving, and would do anything to protect us, our family, and make us happy, and always be by our side till death takes one of us, or both of us. Even if the owner were to pass, the dog would still always be there with them, waiting until their time comes to join them.
They sacrafice their very lives to save us and our loved ones, and so many of us take it for granted, while other use them for their own twisted misdeeds...they don't deserve that, they don't deserve any of the bullshit given to them by those that are too clueless and keep looking at what's on the surface, and not focus on what's underneath
. On the outside they may see an emotionless creature who feels nothing but fear...but on the inside, it's the complete opposite. Inside thise beautiful creations of life is a being that is, in many ways, just like us, with emotions, feelings, both positive and negative, who just want someone who can help them and love them, and not judge them for what they are
. They don't judge us, they don't accuse us of anything, they don't hold grudges, and they don't even try to get revenge...instead they accept us, as if we were another one of their kind, or just another animal that they happened to see passing by
.
This is why I prefer animals over people, no offense
.
Once again, beautiful one shot Priest, and you have my deepest condolences. Just know that you're best friend is in a better place now, one where no one can hurt him ever again, and trust me when I say this you will one day see him again. Until then, you'll have all of those happy moments that you shared with him, from when he was a tiny little puppy, to the day he finally passed on, and all the while...he'll be be waiting right there for you...in Paradise
.
Had to do the same for my cat this past Christmas. I know the feeling.
Sorry, buddy. But judging by all the pictures post, it was apparent the ending years were fantastic for him.
You done good.
I remember losing my childhood dog just last year. It was heart wrenching knowing that the pooch I loved for so many years was actually gone. But stay strong, man. From the looks of it, you did damn good work taking care of him. Know that, should you ever decide on finding a new dog, you'll do just as much good to them as he did to you.
I’m so sorry, Priest
This was a beautiful, loving and heartfelt tribute. Losing him must have been so hard, but it’s clear you did everything you could to make his life as good as possible.
I'm so sorry, Priest. You clearly cared very much about him and I'm sure he loved you just as much back. Your bond must have been very strong. We'll be here for you as you go through your process of coping. It's different for everyone.
No one is ready for their good boy to become a stiffie.
RIP
Forever in our hearts
Never forgetti
Priest I know what its like to lose a pet. I won't go into detail but It will get better and the story was great!
The first time I lost a dog, I was at elementary school I think, so I wasn't there. He'd fallen down a step and ruptured something or other inside himself, I don't know what because my mother never said. I never got along that well with him, but still.
The second time I lost a dog, I was right there. And I cried like the child I was. She was never a well-behaved dog, but...I cried so hard when we lost her, I felt like it reached the clouds.
The third time I lost a dog, it was a dog who was older than I was. She was sixteen; that's ancient in dog years. I was very upset.
The fourth dog I lost was the best dog I ever had. And I still miss her. We only had her 12 years, but she was the only dog we had when she died. And we loved her. She had a good life, and I would always tell her what a good dog she was.
One of the few things that can make a grown man cry is losing man's best friend. And there's no shame in it. They seem to mourn us, after all (ハチ公).
Im gonna put an "F" here to...
To pay respects n such
I'm so very sorry about your lost, I hope that you feel a little better after writing this story. It's hard to loose someone you care about. It's doesn't matter if its family, a friend, a dog or anyone. Personally, my dog is my best friend, and the cold, hart truth is that she will die in a few years. That breaks my heart and that's why I try to make the best of every moment. I hope that you did the same. I wish you so much luck and happiness.
Why...... Flutter....
This story felt like I was reading my life when I had to put down my own dog Rita a few years ago.
I feel for you, mate. I feel for you.
Dammit dammit dammit all to hell! Ahhhhhhhh.
I can relate to this immensely... so much that it hurts. Not just for dogs, but a lot of different animals.
We always took in strays and gave them a home, food, place to sleep. Course that happiness lasted about as long as one might think, and I always took up the task of burying them when they passed. I was the only one who'd get his hands bloodied tearing through roots and hard dirt just to give em a proper burial. It hurt, it always hurt... it still hurts, even now... thinking about all of the friends I've lost since I was a kid.
Your pup was the goodest of pups, he will be missed
I remember when my family had to do this with our cat about 5 years ago. And the sad thing is that my current dog is starting to get pretty old herself. I hope that she can go on for a few more years.
Good story, by the way. Very visceral and sad.
After the first 20 it so, you kinda get used to it.
I too will one day get to feel the way you feel man. I currently have four dogs, i used to have five but.....she died of cancer. We tried to remove the tumor from her leg but it wasn't enough. The whole leg needed to be removed but still.....she didn't make it. And i remember one day that i accidentally pushed her off the stairs while i was in the dark. I remember my heart beating faster each time she would hit a stair until she reached the final one and she started crying. I felt like an complete idiot! No, an asshole. I should have been more carefull. And now i start worrying about my other dogs, if something bad were to happen to them as well. I just don't know what i would do.
I am sorry that you lost your dog, friend. I hope that you can recover quickly.
RIP.
8925155 What do you think I was talking about?
We've had LITERALLY 20 animals die. In various ways. Half from cancers.
8924300
Ditto...
F
Yeah... it does hurt. It hurts a lot. I'm sorry, Priest. I can't think of anything else that isn't trite.
Very powerful writing. The emotion is quite tangible in this story.
I give you my deepest condolences for your loss.
This was really sad and really well written
There is now a salty lake in Northbridge (Massachusetts)
I lost my cat to a nor’easter last wknter, but I got a cat that looks just like her and i sometimes caller her the wrong name ;-;
It was hard to type that through tears, it’s like I can never forget her, a cat that looks like her is constantly seen but we have never found anything from her
I need to get my teddy bear ;-;
8992035
I have the same problem with my new dog Milo. You aren't alone.
8992789
I have a new cat and she is NEVER going outside alone
This story hits so close to home. I am sorry for your loss. I personally have to put my dog down tomorrow know is it a very painful process. I could not hold back tears reading this and I do not believe I will be able to in real life when the times comes. I hope you and every other pet owner that has had to do this to end their suffering is doing alright.
It hurts so much when you have to say goodbye to your dog. I had to put my dog to sleep last year, and it still hurts. But try to focus on the good times you guys had, and remember that your dog is at peace now (or in a better place, as I see it, and that you will see eachother again).
This hit me pretty hard. My dog of fourteen years just died yesterday and I'm still trying to...
Come to terms with that, I guess.
I'm not really sure how, but this helped.
Thanks.