Day 1
In a secret location that totally wasn’t the basement of Twilight’s Castle, the princesses of Equestria sat around a large round table. They all were clearly nervous, especially Cadance, who had called the meeting in the first place.
“So,” the pretty pink princess began, tapping the tips of her front hooves together and in doing so breaking the silence. “You probably have some questions.” Twilight’s hoof shot in the air faster than lightning. Cadance, who had long spotted the massive scroll her sister-in-law had laid on the table a while ago, ignored her. “But those will have to wait.” Twilight’s hoof slowly sank back down. “For now, we need to analyse the situation and—”
“Has Anon surrendered to thine hooves or not?” Luna interrupted and allowed the axe, which she had levitated behind her so far, drop next to the scroll with a heavy thud. “We wish to be done with this as soon as possible. We have waited too long for this day.” Since it was midday, a time the Princess of the Night normally would be fast asleep, she really had to be excited about this. After all, an army of changeling hadn’t managed to rouse her during a similar period of calamity.
“Well, yes—”
“Then off with his head!” Luna roared in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “That foolish monkey has plagued our ponies far too long!”
Celestia sighed and turned towards her sister. “Luna, we’ve been over this. Equestria abolished the death penalty over seven hundred years ago.”
“He stole gems from the statue of friendship at young Twilight’s festival,” Luna retorted, sharpening the axe on a grindstone that had appeared from somewhere.
“I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.” The eldest alicorn waved her off dismissively. “They were lying around everywhere at one point, if I remember correctly.”
“That was because he knocked it down. He also tried to roast thine bird over a fire, trying to make her his meal!” Luna was now applying a layer of wax on the weapon, making it shine in the dim light of the room.
“Philomena was probably cold that day and he just decided to aid her.”
“With garlic and Tabasco sauce?” Luna inquired with a raised eyebrow.
“Maybe he was helping the kitchen staff?” Cadance could tell that even her aunt had a hard time believing her own words. “Point is, we don’t kill, regardless of the crime. And since the Elements didn’t work on him, we will have to reform him somehow.”
Luna simply regarded her sister, a grin slowly creeping on her muzzle. “He raided your cake storage.”
“Give me that axe, I’ll do it myself!” Celestia roared and reached for the weapon with her magic.
“Aunties!” Cadance screamed, causing both alicorns to freeze, Celestia halfway on the table by now. “Anon surrendered to me, so I will decide what to do with him.”
Looking at each other and chuckling nervously, Celestia and Luna both sat back down. “Yes, well…” Celestia cleared her throat. “Been a while since I used the Royal Canterlot Voice. However, I believe our niece has a point. She managed to capture him, so the honour should be hers.”
Cadance jumped as the large, very sharp axe was driven into the edge of the table right next to her. “Fine,” Luna agreed with a huff.
“We are not killing him!” she yelled at the both of them again.
“I thought we were here to discuss what is to be done with him.” The other two alicorns nodded at the Princess of the Night.
The Princess of Love shook her head. She could the feel the headache already building. “Auntie Celestia got to reform Discord, even if it was through Fluttershy.” She pointed an accusing hoof at the alabaster mare. “Twilight got both Starlight Glimmer and Tempest Shadow. Now I have my own villain to reform, so no, we will not kill him.”
“Pooper of parties,” Luna mumbled as the axe vanished with a pop of magic.
Celestia took a deep breath. “Very well then, Cadance. Still, if you’ve already decided what should be done with him, why are we here today?”
“Well, you see, it has to do with… how he surrendered.”
“You managed to beat him in a glorious battle?” Luna guessed, a tinge of hope in her voice.
“No! And let me finish.” She took a breath. “So, it was a normal day when my captain of the guard informed us of a disturbance in the castle. Not even five minutes later, Anonymous walked into the throne room. I put your lessons to good use, Aunt Luna—thanks, by way.”
“You’re welcome.”
“He just started his attack, trying to corrupt Flurry, who was saved by Shining. Well, mostly. We’re still trying to find out if his attack left any lasting harm on her, but so far, she shows no sign of it.”
“We will continue to watch her dreams,” Luna assured her. “If anything of concern should reveal itself, I will let you know.”
“Thanks again. We really appreciate it.”
“So much so that you will let me behead the monkey?”
“No!”
“Banish him to the moon?”
“Maybe? I mean no!” Cadance shook her head irritably. “Anyway, I was about to strike back when he fell on his knees, reeking of alcohol, and told me something that shook me to the core.” All the others were leaning in now, listening to her every word. “He’s never experienced love in his life. He never shared his bed with a mate. He never had somepony to hold while sitting in front of a fireplace. Nopony to share meals with. Nopony to use the toilet while you use the shower, nopony to then leave the toilet seat up, so you’re in for a nasty surprise when your tail drops in the water. Nopony to not use coasters on your new table; nopony to fall asleep just after you finish making love; no one to—”
“We… get the picture,” Celestia interrupted, holding up a hoof.
“Ahem, yes. I believe his criminal activities are tied to that. That, and he explicitly told me that he couldn’t go on because he felt so alone. He wished for a mate and foals. I tried to think of some female villains, but the only one that came to both our minds was Chrysalis.”
All the alicorns in the room cringed.
“He tried to get in contact with some others, but they vanished from the picture before he was able to.” Cadance nodded at Twilight, who just grinned sheepishly. “Not that that is a bad thing, mind you. Still it put us in quite the predicament. My first idea was to ask if you know of any female villains out there who we could contact. Who knows? Maybe we can reform two for the price of one.”
Celestia, Luna and Twilight all shared a glance. “There was this cat witch with the weird name,” the Princess of the Sun mused, “but for the life of me, I don’t recall her name.”
“Catarina,” Luna supplied, “and I’m sure she is dead.”
“What happened?” Twilight asked, eager to know more.
“I had a carpet made from her coat for my room in the old castle.” Twilight stared at her in revulsion. “It was a different time,” she quickly added. “A better one too,” she mumbled, mostly to herself.
“What about Echidna?”
“The giant spider queen or the even larger praying mantis?”
“Both?”
“Dead.”
“Falx the soul stealing fae?”
“Dead.”
“Elexendra the dragon?”
“Deaaaaaaad.”
“Gooma the Slime?”
“It was female?”
“I think.”
“Dead anyway.”
“Elena the Elephantic Necromancer?”
“Remember the organ in the old castle?”
“Oh, yes. She had such nice tusks. It was a neurotic tick of hers to keep those clean. I always thought that she shouldn’t impale her victims with them then, but she never listened,” Celestia explained to her former student, who still beheld elder alicorns at the table with morbid fascination. Not that Cadance was faring any better. “Now I know. Samsa the Snake!”
“Married, with children.”
“Oh, how nice for her. Putina the plantmancer?”
Luna opened her mouth but paused for a moment. “I’m sure you made that up.”
“Well, you can’t remember them all.” She turned towards the pink stupefied alicorn. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but I have nothing.”
“If you used to kill all those villains, why did we even start with reforming them?” Twilight yelled suddenly.
Both sisters looked at each other again. “Discord is immortal, like us. Can’t kill an immortal.” Celestia shrugged. “Since he proved that he could escape his stone prison any time there was enough chaos near him, we needed a new solution.”
“And before you ask, yes, we tried to smash the statue, but it also proved to be impossible,” Luna added helpfully. “Still, Blueblood’s front lawn has a nice draconequus-shaped fish pond ever since.”
“Also, he was the only villain to show up again after we abolished capital punishment. We considered it and decided that his vast magical powers were worth the effort.” Both alicorns nodded in satisfaction.
“Soo…” Cadance needed a moment to digest all that. “You know of no female villain out there that could be looking to retire and settle down?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, sadly not.”
They all were silent for moment. “Okay, Plan B then. We need to find a willing mare.” All the others blinked at Cadance. “Or a bitch, or a dragoness, or whatever. There has to be a female out there that’s hot for monkey dick.” Twilight suddenly whirled around frantically. “You okay, Ladybug?”
“Yeaaaah,” Twilight said and slowly looked back at the others again. “I was just expecting something.” All three alicorns raised an eyebrow simultaneously. “Don’t worry, it’s a Ponyville thing.”
“If you need a willing female,” a new voice said, making the princesses jump, “I am your mare.” Tempest, to her friends known as Fizzlepop Berrytwist, stepped out of the shadows and next to Twilight. “I have a lot to make up for, and if it takes my body to do so, I’m willing to serve.”
“I feel like a record player, but no! As the Princess of Love, I could never agree to something like that. It has to be real love or nothing.”
“While I don’t love the human known as Anonymous, he has my deepest respect. For years I have aided Princess Twilight in attempting to capture him, without success. He is a worthy foe of cunning intelligence. I never imagined myself having offspring, but if I had to, I would wish them to have such qualities.” Maybe it was the mare never moving a muscle besides the one in her muzzle, but whatever it was, it gave Cadance the creeps. “And with Anonymous in my care, I would no longer need to watch over Princess Twilight every hour of the day.”
“…Every hour?” Twilight asked.
“Every hour,” the mare answered without missing a beat. “Especially while you sleep. And it is not… creepy.”
Okay, it was clear to Cadance that her family had issues. Still, that wasn’t why they were here today. “Let’s focus.” She clapped her hooves together. “Any other ideas?” Luna raised her hoof. “Yes?”
“Just kill him.”
“No!” Cadance slumped into her seat. “Though it would probably easier at this point,” her brain traitorously whispered in her ear.
“Maybe we should take a break,” Celestia suggested. “We’ve been at this for hours now, and it’s already late afternoon. Maybe some tea and cake will give us new ideas.”
“Yes, well. Maybe you’re right.” Cadance rose and the others followed. “We will continue this tomorrow. I need to look after Shining and Flurry anyway.”
As they all walked out of the room, no one noticed how Twilight stayed behind at the table. Her head dropped on the wooden surface and her hoof rolled the scroll around. “I never got ask my questions,” she mumbled, sighing heavily. “And know I wish I had someone to do all those things with that Cadance mentioned.”
“If I may, I could offer myse—” Tempest started, only to be interrupted by a scroll to the face.
“Suck a dick!”
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Pull some magic portal b.s. and summon genderbent villians? Like Eris or something?
Hmm, come to think of it - Luna WAS a villan, so...
Why do I see Twilight ending up with the villanous Anon?
Point aside, I laughed with this and the prequel. I hope to read more from your hand.
K. I honestly don't know what to expect. You said that everything in this was a lie, so why should i trust that he will even get a girl to be with???
Hmm??
Tell me this, does he get one or not?
Poor ol' Al may have been dead inside, but at least he had fellow men that were equally dead inside to share the pain and suffering that is....marriage with children
Plus, there was that annoying chicken next door that he could always poke fun at. For someone that's dead inside he does have it pretty well
PS: considering the princesses' past I'm beginning to wonder if they don't qualify as villains themselves.
wait is it lyra? I feel like its gonna be lyra
My moneys on it being twilight
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Place your bets
>sees title
If Virgil was alive he would have burned the Ecologues and killed himself in proper Roman fashion
It continues!!!!
What, Twilight not suggesting the Dazzlings?
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For the sake of this story and it's prequel "EQG" is non canon (did't happen), as Hasbro originally promised.
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Continue to read when the next chapters are out and you will know.
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History is written by the winner.
I'm all for the Tempest train, personally.
She'd probably knock him out and drag him out of a room whenever he started his more villainous rants.
I'm half-expecting him to end up given a mansion-esque house with a whole bunch of villain-grade (or at the very least, potentially villain-grade) beings.
There most likely is one in the very room. You just didn't give her enough time~
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It was another time, standards were different. Just like the Simpsons, in the 80's being Homer was synonymous with being a failure. Nowadays having a stable job that gets you a nice home in the suburbs and allows you to support three children and a wife is only for the winners. Times change.
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A wife that never cleaned the house, cooked a meal or even bothered to fill the refrigerator. A son that was probably the prototype for the typical 4chan user and a slutty daughter that was as dumb as she was blond. And all they ever wanted was his money. The neighbor was a terrible SJW who claimed he was the source of all evil and he had job were he didn't get any respect at all. Yes, Al had a good life.
I know Al wasn't a good husband either and thats they all were terrible in their own way, that was actually the premise of the show. And while I want a family, I want a loving family.
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Gotta agree with you there. No sense in getting together with someone if not to at least try and be happy. That goes triple for having children
Yes! This! I like it! ANOTHER!
I was actually expecting Anon to somehow interrupt the meeting by walking in, drunk as hell, collapsing on the table with ass in the air, and on the way into the room they have to be singing terribly a random song.
All they need to do is wait. I mean, it's Equestria after all and they've had a rather imbalanced male to female ratio of super villains so it shouldn't take too long before one shows up somewhere.
I watched him sleep in bed at night.
It’s not...creepy.
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Friendship is witchcraft for the win
So why not pull some magical crap and summon a female Anon from a parallel universe? It wouldn't damage the timeline of either in any way...or would it?
Also, congrats on 500 followers.
I used to love Married, With Children. Did you know that there was a Psycho Dad spin-off in the works? It never got off the ground, though.
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A shame, really. Ed O'Neill also wanted to do a revival episode with the old cast. Never found out why it didn't happen.
Fuck it go find some evil dragoness hiding in a cave or something I guess.
Love it. Luna is warrior first and princess second
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On that note, why not the nightmare essence if it's still around corrupting creatures
Since it seems to prefer female hosts to male as far as we know
That's completely
unexpected!Also:
orig00.deviantart.net/84ea/f/2016/255/f/d/in_her_wildest_dreams_by_red4567_2-daheljn.png
Source.
Twilight: “Suck a dick!”
Tempest: “I’m tryinggg...”
The idea to use a reformed villainess has merit. Don't know why they would deny Tempest. It might actually help her get more out of her militaristic shell. Or Starlight. Then again she is shippable with Sunburst.
Not gonna lie I miss married with children too
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Hulu has it.
Love married with children
Beggars shouldn’t be choosers Twi.
You just now figured that out?
So we have Twilight Sparkle and Tempest Shadow as the front runners for a relationship with Anon.
Who'd be a third contender? First that comes to mind is Lyra with her human obsession, but I'm sure Anon could dampen that enthusiasm quickly. Next thought would be Berry Punch, a kindred alcoholic; can't see that ending well. While Cheerilee seems to have almost limitless patience with her students, don't think that would convert to an adult human. The OC character Stella or her sister or a friend of hers may have the appreciation for vulgarity but would they have the patience or desire for Anon.
Yes that's one his titles
*looks back at the previous story*...............yes
Tempting though right?
That's fair
Kinda is
This one is cultured they know of married with children, and who Al Bundey is there for all of the content from this author is legitimate culture, and awesomeness