It Turns Out They're Windmills

by J Carp

Mammal

Fluttershy drove, feeling numb and empty. She gripped the steering wheel with tense, white hands, gazing blankly out of the windshield. "My, today certainly has been an interesting day," she said out loud to no one.

She drove silently for a bit.

"I suppose it's been more than a day," she announced. "But when you don't sleep, it's all the same day to you!" She dutifully came to a complete stop at an intersection, looked both ways, and then slowly proceeded through. "I wonder what Rainbow and Rarity could have been trying to say to me?"

Her face darkened. "Silly Fluttershy, trying to play the innocence card. That's why everyone thinks you're just like a little kid. Silly, stupid Fluttershy." The suburban street she was on looked like a graveyard, even though the day was bright and warm outside.

Like a cloud passing over the sun, her face went blank again. "I probably shouldn't call myself stupid," she said. "My friends would tell me not to do that."

She squeezed the steering wheel tighter. "My friends also tell me that the tambourine is a really important part of the band, and I'd have to be pretty stupid to believe that."

She gasped in sudden realization. "Oh! Maybe I am stupid! Maybe I'm not weird. Wouldn't that be wonderful? I'm just totally normal, but I'm too stupid to know it!" She smirked. "Pretty smart of you to figure that out, Fluttershy." She was happy for three seconds, then realized the contradiction and went blank again.

She realized she was one and a quarter car lengths away from the car in front of her and not one and a half. She slowed.

"Weeping Willow is not very nice," she said. "I wonder why I'm dating him. I should date a nicer boy."

She successfully kept herself from realizing what that was trying to convince herself against, but she could not keep from realizing how completely unconvincing it was.

Ahead of her, on the sidewalk, she could see a group of teenage girls standing and talking. This was not unusual; it was a nice day and many people were outside. But she noticed because they were some of her best friends in the entire world.

Pinkie, Sunset, Rarity, Rainbow Dash. She drove past them without turning her head.

After a moment, she turned onto a side street. She did a five-point turn in the middle of the road, then drove back the other way.

She drove past her friends again. This time, Rainbow pointed at her car and yelled something. They all looked. Pinkie shrieked.

Fluttershy turned into a cul de sac and came back out, going the other way. Her friends were all shouting to her and waving their hands. She passed them slowly, noting them idly in her peripheral vision, gaze stuck fast on the road in front of her.

"My goodness," Fluttershy said. "I wonder what they want."

She passed them, and then turned into an empty parking lot. She carefully eased her car into a space, turned off the ignition, and got out. She closed the door softly, locked the car, and then insensibly watched her friends run up to her. They seemed excited.

"Fluttershy!" Sunset called. She just stared back at them.

They reached her and stood in a group around her, worried and anxious expressions beginning to turn into awkward ones.

"Fluttershy?" Rarity said very gently. "Are you all right, darling?"

Fluttershy tried to smile but realized she did not know how, so she just opened her mouth. "Hello, Rarity," she said. There was an awkward pause, so she added, "Your cat is named Opalescence."

They did that strange thing where they looked at each other helplessly. Eventually, Sunset took a step forward. "Are you... feeling okay?"

Fluttershy tilted her head innocently. "I don't understand what you mean," she said. "Why would I be burning with all-consuming rage and terror? Goodness, what a strange question, Sunset."

"Fluttershy..." Rarity looked miserable for some reason. "I think we... I... may have hurt you terribly without meaning to. I am so very sorry." She abruptly looked up, locking eyes with Fluttershy in a shockingly intense gaze. "But, now that the door's been opened, I can't just pretend nothing happened. We have to talk about it."

Fluttershy almost said, "Talk about what?" but all of a sudden that seemed like the stupidest thing to say. She heard a thump, and her friends all started backward.

She looked down in surprise. Her right hand was balled in a rock-hard fist, and it rested against the side of her car, right in the divot of a newly formed dent. Her hand hurt.

She looked back up at her friends, grimacing in pain and anger. "Why would you think that about me?" she asked. "Why would you think I would..." She closed her eyes so tight, speckles of light danced across her vision. "It's really not fair. I've always been nice to you, right? I've tried to be. It's not fair you all... think things."

"We don't..." Rarity looked lost, but she recovered somewhat and crossed her arms over her chest. "Yes, I think things about you. Things I think are true. And I think you know they're true, too."

Fluttershy felt like a geode, mostly hollow, with just little jagged bits along the edges of her insides. She scanned across their faces looking for help, but even Pinkie looked scary right now. "What do you think?"

Rarity opened her mouth, but it seemed she could not say it. After a moment, Rainbow spoke up, sounding uncharacteristically gentle: "We think you're a lesbian, Fluttershy."

She had thought she was ready to hear it, but she was not. She just stood there, stunned, blood roaring in her ears. She barely heard Sunset say, "But if you're not, that's cool. We'll be with you either way, right girls?"

"It's not fair!" Fluttershy suddenly wailed, because it was not. "How... how can you think you know what I think? You don't know what I think!"

They paused, startled and cautious. Finally, Pinkie raised a cautious hand. "Actually, Sunset can..."

"None of you know!" Fluttershy interrupted, spitting the words like they were bitter. "You think you know, but you don't!"

Rarity looked like she was losing hope. "No, dear, of course we don't know, but..."

"You don't know!" Fluttershy repeated, stomping her foot. "Stop acting like you know!"

A part of her mind vaguely noticed that Pinkie was no longer looking at her, but instead staring off to the other end of the parking lot. "You don't know!" she barked again. More of them were now looking where Pinkie was looking, but she was too carried away to pay much attention. "I'm the only one who knows what I'm thinking! No one else! None of you know!"

And of course, of course, that was exactly the moment she finally glanced over at what they were all gaping at. A second Fluttershy stood a few meters away, hands clasped in front of her, placid and kind.

"Hello, everyone," she said with a familiar, sweet voice. "I'm sorry to bother you all, but... I think I might know?"

---

Fluttershy pressed her hands against her head, crying. The park bench felt stonelike and cold under her, and she did not feel comforted even by the grassy, foresty spot she had been led to.

When she first saw herself standing across the parking lot, she felt like a hedgehog with all its spines plucked out, every defense gone. She just sank to her knees, exhausted and lost. The other Fluttershy had walked up to her hesitantly, then embraced her as the tears began to flow. She barely even knew what happened after that, but she had somehow ended up on this bench in the warm sun, Othershy sitting demurely beside her.

Fluttershy idly noted that she was vacillating between empty sadness and short bursts of panic. One of these bursts struck her, and she said, without really knowing why, "Please don't tell my parents. They'll be so worried about me."

"I won't, I promise," Othershy said gently.

That was the last flare-up, and Fluttershy slowly stopped crying. She leaned against her doppelganger, mostly feeling drained and sleepy. She breathed.

Othershy tentatively rested a hand on her shoulder. "Um. Is it your birthday, too?" she asked.

Fluttershy nodded, vaguely wondering how birthdays work in Ponyworld. "Happy birthday," she said softly.

"Happy birthday," Othershy said back, taking her hand away and placing it awkwardly in her lap.

Fluttershy reached over and took Othershy's hand in her own. She held it gently. "Is this okay?" she asked. "When humans hold hands, it... it means you're close. It's comforting."

Othershy blinked. "Oh. Yes, that's fine. We hold hooves, and it means the same thing."

"Hold hooves," Fluttershy muttered to herself. She looked up at her counterpart. "You really are a pony." Othershy nodded, and Fluttershy surprised herself when a giggle escaped her lips. "I'd like to be a pony. They're so cute."

Othershy blushed. "I think humans are cute, too," she admitted.

There was a long pause. "Did Sunset ask you to come?" Fluttershy asked, finally.

"Yes. But I wanted to, too. I thought you might want someone you don't have to explain anything to."

"Are you gay?" Fluttershy asked abruptly, looking down at her lap.

"Y-yes. I am."

Fluttershy gazed down at her lap more. "...could you ask me that?"

Othershy looked at her for a moment, sweet and concerned. But she nodded. "Are you gay?"

Fluttershy opened her mouth and emitted a high-pitched squeaking noise. She squeezed her counterpart's hand and felt her hand squeezed in return.

"It was really hard for me too, at first," Othershy said.

Fluttershy felt tears stinging her eyes again. "I feel so... weak and cowardly. You're okay with it, and I'm just..."

She gasped as Othershy literally pulled her to her bosom and embraced her. She felt her head being lowered to her counterpart's lap. She lay there on the park bench, feeling very silly but also more nurtured than she had ever felt in her entire life.

"I'm older than you, um, I think, somehow," Othershy said. "I've lived on my own for a long time." She stroked Fluttershy's hair idly, very much like brushing a horse's mane. "I don't think I would have been able to tell mom and dad and Zephyr while I still lived with them. And... and there's ways I think you're much braver than me. I heard you were in a band! I could never do that."

"I thought so, too. But it's actually not so hard, if it's with my friends."

"I feel the same way about my friends," Othershy said softly. "They really helped me, um, be out. Things are never perfect, but when they knew, it made everything easier." She paused. "Um, do you think you might want to think about telling them?"

Fluttershy stiffened. "No," she said. She sat up, looking Othershy in the face with alarm. "Oh, no no no. I should definitely not do that. Definitely, absolutely not."

Othershy blinked in confusion. "Uh... but. Why wouldn't..."

"I don't think it's a good idea at all," Fluttershy said sternly, panic beginning to rise up in her chest again. "Oh no no. I couldn't. I..."

A blue jay suddenly landed on Othershy's head. "Eep!" said Othershy.

The jay looked at Fluttershy gently. It had a daffodil in its beak. It hopped up and down twice, leaned forward, and dropped the daffodil. Fluttershy dumbly held her hand out and caught the flower in her hand as it drifted to the ground. The jay took off and flew to a nearby tree which, Fluttershy noticed for the first time, was absolutely full of birds, watching her pensively.

Othershy looked frozen. "Umm.."

"Those are my animal friends," Fluttershy explained. "Do... do you like animals, too?"

"I like animals very much."

Fluttershy nodded. She took a deep breath and fiddled with her hands.

Othershy sat next to her, placing a hand awkwardly but kindly on her arm. "You don't have to tell them if you really don't want to. You don't have to tell anypony you don't want to tell."

Fluttershy giggled again. "...You said 'anypony.' That's cute, too." She hugged herself, feeling dizzy. "I want to tell them. But... I'll probably lose them."

Othershy looked genuinely surprised about that. "Why would you lose them?"

"Because... they'll know." Fluttershy gripped her skirt tightly, her voice fading to a soft murmur. "They'll know all the... things I. Um. Think. About them."

Othershy squeezed her brow in confusion, then suddenly opened her eyes wide in surprise. "Oh! Um. Which ones?"

Fluttershy squeaked. "All of them."

"All five of them?"

"All... six." Fluttershy felt the anxiety in her chest again. "I mean... not all the same amount! Just... at least sometimes. Once in a while. They trust me, and I'm... thinking things. That's really, really bad."

Othershy looked like she was completely at a loss for how to reply. "Oh," she said.

Fluttershy's hand rose to her chest, where she gripped her blouse in rising fear. "You haven't...?"

Othershy shook her head. "...No. Not really, for any of them."

"Oh dear." Fluttershy's vision began to fade. "I'm really weird. I'm even weirder than myself."

"No, you're not!" Othershy reached out, clearly trying to be comforting, but she flailed her hand and poked her doppelganger in the face.

"Ouch!" Fluttershy exclaimed, suddenly brought out of her panic by the pain.

"I'm sorry!" Othershy gasped. "I'm not used to having hands! Are you all right?"

Fluttershy touched her face. She realized she had a small bruise there now, just like Rainbow Dash probably did. That felt notable, somehow. "I'm not hurt."

Othershy, in relief, grabbed her hand and stared at her with intense gentleness. "You're not bad, I promise," she said. "It's all right to have thoughts like that."

"But they'll feel so upset and violated..."

"No, they won't! I... I can't imagine Pinkie Pie ever being mad just because you like her. Or Applejack. Or Rainbow. Can you?"

Fluttershy thought about it. She could not.

Othershy was blushing. "Um, and... I mean, my Rarity, the pony? Actually, she thinks I used to have a crush on her, even though I... didn't. But I can't tell her the truth, because I think she'd be kind of offended."

Fluttershy felt her face practically turning to lava. "She would?"

"Yes, she, um." Othershy paused in that distinctive 'Fluttershy is going to compliment herself' way. "She cares about me, and she thinks I'm, um, really pretty, so it's flattering for her. And I don't mind letting her feel good about it. I do think she's wonderful."

Fluttershy's mouth hung open. "I don't think that's right," she said, finally. "They're my friends, and... and I'm taking advantage of them, and it's not okay. I don't..." She cast her eyes downward in shame. "I don't want to make them feel like Zephyr makes Rainbow feel."

Othershy paused, then shook her head. "But you're nothing like Zephyr," she said. "You couldn't ever..." She suddenly trailed off, staring down at the ground, then refocused on her counterpart with a very serious expression. "No. I was going to say that you'd never do anything to make them uncomfortable, but I don't know that. Not really."

Fluttershy nodded sadly. "Yes, exactly. And I can't ever know for sure, so... so shouldn't I just never, ever let my feelings out? Isn't that the only way to be sure I'm not being a bad person?"

There was a long pause as Othershy thought. Finally, she nodded and her face took on an expression of certainty. "Sometimes, when I try to be braver, I'll take on a character," she said. "I'll think and act all different, and it usually helps me not be scared. Because it's not me, it's this other me. Do you ever take on characters like that?"

"Like... pretending to be a straight girl?" Fluttershy asked, blushing.

"Um. Yes, just like that. But sometimes the characters I use are... not so nice. And I'll kind of lose control, and... well. I can get a little crazy. I understand being afraid you'll do something you don't..." Othershy suddenly stopped talking, because a squirrel had jumped on her shoulder.

Fluttershy reached out and scratched the squirrel under the chin. "This is Chuck," she said. "She's very nosy, but she doesn't mean any harm."

"Hello, Chuck," Othershy said, very seriously. Chuck nodded to her, then jumped off and darted to another nearby tree, chittering. She was apparently reporting back to all the other squirrels.

Othershy watched her go, smiling. "This... this is actually sort of what I wanted to say. Sometimes, I feel worried that I'm going to lose control and do something bad. Maybe even hurt my friends. But... but the way it always works out is from trusting my friends, because they always let me know when I'm going too far!" She sighed. "You're not like Zephyr, I promise. Because... Zephyr doesn't have friends to tell him not to make Rainbow uncomfortable, and you have so many friends. Humans and critters."

Fluttershy glanced around. She realized that the two of them were absolutely surrounded by animals. Snakes and birds and foxes and skunks and squirrels and deer and rabbits and one bored-looking capybara. She felt the muscles in her chest beginning to relax. "Could we sit on the ground, please?" she asked.

Othershy nodded sweetly, and gently guided her counterpart over to a nearby tree. She rested herself beneath it, and Fluttershy sat next to her, then softly lay her head in her doppelganger's soft lap again.

"...Is that a capybara?" Othershy asked.

"His name is Mateo," Fluttershy answered. "I don't know how he got to this area, but he's very happy here. He has a pond he likes to splash around in."

"Hello, Mateo," Othershy said. "Thank you for helping take care of Fluttershy." Mateo played it cool, but Fluttershy could tell he was flattered by the attention.

"You've really never liked any of them?" Fluttershy asked, looking seriously up at her counterpart. "They're all so, so pretty."

"I went on a date with Applejack once," Othershy answered calmly. "It was how we first met. But we just became friends."

"Oh, goodness," Fluttershy breathed, lost for a moment in the image of going on a date with Applejack. She blushed. "I wish I was as mature as you are."

Othershy leaned her head back against the tree trunk. "Sometimes... I think keeping something hidden makes it bigger than it is. You're scared someone will find out, and that makes it important, but the thing itself was never very important to begin with. ...Um, does that make sense?"

Fluttershy nodded. "I'm used to things being more scary than they should be." She reached up and grabbed her counterpart's hand again. "But it's not so scary for you?"

"I think so. Mostly." Fluttershy felt her counterpart slowly patting her head. "I... have a special somepony."

Fluttershy had been nearly dozing, but her eyes suddenly slammed open. "Special... somepony?"

"...Yes?"

"Special somepony." Fluttershy giggled softly. "Oh my goodness, that's very, very cute. We just say 'girlfriend.'"

"Oh, um." Othershy sounded befuddled. "Is it really that cute?"

"Mm hmm." Fluttershy remembered she should be upset, but it was less than before. "Tell me about your girlfriend, please?"

Fluttershy could hear the smile in Othershy's voice. "Well, she's smart. She's a researcher. She loves to read and to learn new things... she likes when I teach her about animals. She's kind of a bookworm, but she's so beautiful."

"It sounds like you love her."

"I do. A whole, whole lot."

Fluttershy began to fidget. "And... everyone knows you're together?"

"Yes."

"I'm gay," Fluttershy said.

She was extremely surprised, but she felt no blush and no urge to hide. Birds started chirping merrily in the tree above them. Othershy squeezed her hand.

"Oh my gosh," Fluttershy exclaimed. "That was very, very easy."

They just sat for a moment, listening to the birds. Finally, Othershy hesitantly spoke up: "You said you liked all of them, but not the same amount. Um... does that mean... there's one you think you might like the most?"

That brought on the blushing. Fluttershy turned on her side and curled into a ball, embarrassment consuming her, but she was smiling widely, too. "....Maybe?" she squeaked. Then she giggled. "Yes."

"Do you... do you want to tell me who it is? You don't have to."

Fluttershy rasped some nonsense syllables.

"That's fine," Othershy said maternally. "You never have to tell anyone anything you don't want to, okay?... But, if you did want to tell whoever it was that you like her, I think it'd be all right. Even if she doesn't like you back."

Fluttershy just nodded, smiling. And then she started to cry.

She felt the tears before she felt the emotion. She could not name it, but it was like a cymbal crashing in her head. Despair and terror and rage and shame.

Othershy blinked in surprise. "Oh... oh no, I'm so sorry. Um... are you sad she might not like you?"

Fluttershy shook her head, thoughts flashing in her head like electric sparks too fast to perceive, so she just opened her mouth and let her emotion speak for her: "I wish I was normal."

She bawled and sobbed, clutching Othershy's skirt in frantic, strong fists. "I want to be normal. I'd... I'd give anything, I promise." The emotion just filled her whole body, heavy and dreadful. "I'll hurt everyone." And then, "I'm scared."

She cried. And the world was just tears, her own self gently patting her hair, and critters huddled close, all around.

---

Othershy held her doppelganger's hand as they walked slowly back to where the other humans were waiting. She was amazed at how quickly she had gotten used to this new body. Helping her human self had taken her mind off of balancing and using hands and all the other stuff that felt so weird and new.

She glanced over at her counterpart, walking along with puffy eyes but a soft and genuine-looking smile.

A chuckle slipped out of Othershy's lips, and Fluttershy looked at her quizzically. "Hm?"

"Oh... I'm sorry," Othershy replied. "I was just thinking about how brave you are, but then I got a little worried saying it out loud would be boastful."

Fluttershy nodded. "Oh yes, I understand. I've been trying to figure out how to say thank you, but... thanking myself feels so arrogant."

Othershy just squeezed her counterpart's hand and kept walking. "I just hope I made things easier," she said. "It's never easy, but... I hope you'll be able to tell them soon." A few moments passed in silence, then she looked back. "Oh, but I have a question?"

"Yes?"

"Um... does my voice... sound weird?"

Fluttershy gaped at her. "Yes! It sounds very weird! It's like my voice, but... it's so different in my own head when I talk!"

"Yes!" Othershy was surprised at how relieved she felt. "I think we have pretty voices, but I still kept thinking, 'Is that really how I sound?'"

Fluttershy giggled. By this point, they had reached the edge of the parking lot where the others were waiting. Othershy noticed that the group looked slightly larger than it had been before.

Rarity saw the Fluttershies approaching first. She waved and gave a hopeful smile, saying something to the others. They all turned and looked, with various degrees of nervousness. Othershy still found it so strange to see weird human versions of all her friends, but the familiarity was nice: Pinkie's big friendly smile, Rainbow's distinctive hair.

She noticed two new additions that had not been there before. One was tall and blonde, with a big hat: Applejack. She felt very nice to see any version of Applejack.

When she saw the other newcomer, flat bangs hanging above dark-rimmed glasses, she had two thoughts at exactly the same time:

"Oh, this must be the human version of Twilight."

And:

"Gooodness, Moon Dancer is even pretty as a human."

She froze.

The human Fluttershy turned to her in surprise, then scrunched her face up in concern. "A... are you all right?" she asked hesitantly.

Othershy did not respond. Her mouth was hanging open, and she felt locked-up and bewildered.

"Is something wrong?" Fluttershy asked. "Do you need to talk?"

Othershy broke from her trance and shook her head sharply. "...No! I'm... okay. I just..." She could not think of anything to say after 'just.'

Fluttershy clearly made a decision. Her face took on a veil of determination, and she grabbed her counterpart by the shoulders. "Listen to me," she said firmly. "Something happened. If you need help, I'm going to help you."

Othershy looked back at her, perplexed. "But... you're the one who's having to come out..."

"Yes," Fluttershy interrupted. "And you came from another dimension to help me with it. So I can't just let it go if you're not okay."

Othershy had seen this side of herself, but she had never had this side of herself directed at herself. It felt nice. "O...okay. But just for a minute?"

Fluttershy nodded. She turned to her confused-looking friends, standing on the other side of the parking lot. and waved to them. She held up a finger as if to say "Just give us another moment," and she led her erstwhile pony self away.

---

Rarity watched them go, frowning. "Oh... hm," she said. "I... suppose they weren't quite done? But they both looked happy at first..."

"I imagine it's a difficult process," Twilight said. "It's not a surprise it might have some... stops and starts. I think it's a good sign."

They pondered this in silence for a moment.

Finally, Rainbow spoke up. "Um, so, is nobody going to talk about how they were holding hands and that's totally weird?"

"Rainbow!" Rarity squawked, appalled.

"Not because it's girls holding hands!" Rainbow protested. "Just, they're the same person!" She shook her head. "I hope they're not going to make out."

"Rainbow!!" Rarity shrieked again, cheeks burning red.

"I can't think of someone less likely to make out with herself than Fluttershy," Sunset intervened.

Applejack raised an eyebrow at her. "What, you have a ranking system for that?"

"Yes. And I cannot believe the point my life has gotten to where that was useful to do."

Twilight scratched the back of her head awkwardly. "Um... so, which of us is most likely to..."

"Pinkie."

Pinkie tilted her head, grinning widely. "Guilty!" she chirped.

"Okay, well, that's great," Rainbow said, taking a deep breath. "Super glad things aren't awkward now that we gotta all hang out in a parking lot for however long."

Pinkie just did a handstand and gave her an upside-down smile.

Author's Note:

So the warm blood flows through the large four-chambered heart.

Comments

[Texus]

"You think you know, but you don't!"

In many chases where it's far less obvious I think that too when I read certain stories and their main char or how the main six and Rarity react to the main char.

HHhhhhhmmm not sure why she was frozing, maybe her weird guilt to like the human version and a different Moondancer? I can partly understand her, but then again not exactly.

[livinthelife]

9069511
Human Moondancer wasn’t there. She was looking at Sci-Twi when she thought that.

[Darkstarling]

Fluttershy helping herself come out is wonderful.

Rainbow Dash is...well, she's Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie would, indeed, make out with herself quite cheerfully. So that was easy. The question is, who is number two most likely? I vote Twilight, FOR SCIENCE!

[Texus]

9069909
weird I remember that I had read Moondancer, well not sure if I like it. It looks a bit like it just had to happen since Twilight tried to get on fluttershys good side before. I don't remember if I got the answer to that already but I want it to stay a Moondancer and Fluttershy relationship.

[Mare Imbrium]

I really like how they're the same.... but different. But I can't get the ominous Twilight part out of my head...

[Natedogg2006]

I totally would have guessed Rainbow first. Pinkie and Rarity would be a toss up for number two.

[PresentPerfect]

I feel like this is the most important thing I've read all year. Good thing I got it in just in time to say so impactfully.

Also, you are a master of Whedon's Law.

[Soge]

This was wonderful.