Chapter 25
A blue bolt of magic curved around the trees, hitting the fleeing timberwolf and scattering it. Nightmare Moon wasn't even looking. She was too busy listening to the pony walking next to her.
"Really? They think Star Swirl was some kind of genius?" She scoffed. "He never finished anything he started. He didn't even finish training my sister and me."
"Well there was the moustache spell," Twilight said.
"And the spell for shaping clay," Midnight added.
"Both of which as just so useful," Nightmare Moon chuckled. "Certainly, before Star Swirl there was simply no way for ponies to grow facial hair or manage pottery."
"But what about, um, magic mirror stuff?" MIdnight asked.
"I vaguely remember him working on something involving mirrors. I was somewhat preoccupied at the time with planning on how to defeat my sister." Nightmare Moon watched her for a few moments. Another stream of magic traced from her horn, striking off into the woods and hitting something that warbled and collapsed. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I came out of a magic mirror, or I was created by one, and Star Swirl made it..." Midnight trailed off.
Nightmare Moon looked perplexed for a moment, then turned her head to look at Sunset Shimmer. "Are you ponies still telling foals that babies come from a magic mirror? That was an old mare's tale we told foals to stop them asking even when I was young."
"She literally came from a magic mirror," Sunset said. "It's complicated."
"Clearly I will need to learn about the last thousand years in some detail. Perhaps Star Swirl managed something of note after all." Nightmare Moon paused, looking down at her hooves. She scraped away at the top layer of moss and soil, revealing flagstones. "We're very close now. This is the road that led to the castle." She motioned with her head. There was a clear gap in the trees where the road's foundations had mostly kept heavy growth away.
"What should we expect when we get there?" Cadance asked.
"An excellent question," Nightmare Moon muttered. "I thought that she would have made some sort of effort to rebuild..." She paused, looking to the side where the changing light of the sky glimmered from the surface of an almost perfectly circular pond.
The stars had come when she pulled, souls torn free from the Aether and thrown at her sister, a tactic Celestia would never have used herself. Dozens struck down around the castle, several landing direct hits as the elder princess flew and tried to evade Nightmare Moon's attacks.
Every time one exploded into the earth, it a pony's life flickered out and died. Stallions, mares, and foals dropped where they stood, their future burned out in an instant of rage and used as ammunition in a fight most weren't even aware of.
"What are you looking at?" Twilight asked.
"Nothing important," Nightmare Moon said, turning away. "An old mistake. In my first attempt to rule Equestria, I planned poorly. I attacked my sister alone, because I thought I could beat her without assistance."
"So what did happen?" Midnight questioned. "I mean, I know you got banished to the moon."
"I was winning. But it wasn't a quick, decisive victory. I was stronger, but by a thinner margin than I had imagined. The fight was slow, and both of us were using more and more desperate measures."
Nightmare Moon was fighting to the death. Celestia was fighting with one hoof tied behind her back because she wasn't prepared to go that far.
"Luna, please! This is madness!" Celestia's barrier was shivering, starting to resonate out of control as it attempted to withstand the torrent of fire and ice lashing against it.
"You turned them against me!" Nightmare Moon roared. The stones under her hooves shattered at the massive temperature swings in the air. "You let them worship you like a goddess and call me a monster!"
"We can talk about this, Luna! You need to stop this and lower the moon!"
"I will never stop!"
Nightmare Moon's hooves faltered for a moment on the shattered cobblestone under her.
"Things will be different this time," she whispered.
"I think... we're here." Sunset said. Nightmare Moon looked up. The centuries had taken their toll on the castle. The walls were mostly still there, at least the ones that hadn't fallen during her fight against her sister.
"Nothing has changed at all," Nightmare Moon said, quietly. "Come. The Elements should still be in their resting place. The enchantments should keep creatures of disorder from disturbing them."
"Unfortunately," agreed an amused voice, echoing from all around them. "You know, I thought you'd be more amusing, but you're still as stuck up as always, Moonbutt."
"Discord," Nightmare Moon swore. That is, it wasn't literally a swear but the way she said it sure made the chaos spirit's name sound like one. She stepped in front of the others, her wings flaring up. "Stay behind me. Run for the atrium once he reveals himself. Get the Elements while I distract him."
"Such a boring plan," Discord said. One of the gargoyles on the castle moved, the twisted shape gaining color as it turned into the twisted draconequuis. "Just make an end run for the goal and hope the Hail Mary pays off?" He threw a hoofball. A second Discord in hoofball pads caught it before it could hit Nightmare Moon.
"Interception!" A third Discord yelled, appearing with a referee's shirt. "Discord has the ball!"
"And it's good!" The second Discord spiked the ball into the ground, and it vanished in a flash of light along with his padding and the other two copies of himself. "You know, this sort of plan is something I'd expect from your sister, not you."
"I am nothing like her!" Nightmare Moon snapped.
"Oh of course," Discord said. "It's just the height, build, wavy mane~" His hair grew out, wafting along with an ethereal breeze.
Nightmare Moon threw a blast of magic at him, which turned into blueberry jam halfway before it came close, splattering against the ground.
"Please, Moon Moon," Discord scoffed. "You can't expect a direct attack to work."
"You will fall. Unlike my sister, I spent a thousand years preparing for battle-"
Discord waggled a talon. "You spent a thousand years getting ready to have a slap-fight with a sister that you knew would never use her full power against you. I spent a thousand years thinking about the best way to beat you and Celestia. Only one of us came to this battle of wits armed, and unfortunately for you, it's me."
Sunset Shimmer threw a hoof-sized blast of magic at Discord, who simply moved out of the way. The magic rebounded from a tree behind him and caught him in the back, making him stumble forwards.
"You say that like she's alone," Sunset said.
"Don't kid yourself," Discord retorted, glaring at her. "You four are a poor substitute for cake-flanks. The only reason I bothered showing up in person was to savor the dramatic irony of Lulu scrambling to grab for the Elements while she's still dressed up as - how did she put it in the other timeline? Oh yes. Black Snooty."
"You're going to regret being so arrogant," Nightmare Moon growled, baring her fangs.
"No, no. None of that. The irony is so thick you could sell it to a blacksmith. Calling me arrogant, hmph." Discord folded his arms and smiled. "I've already done the big magical throwdown with your infinitely more beloved sister. Doing it again would just be rehashing a joke. No, I think what this calls for is a change in genre."
Discord snapped his fingers, and the world dissolved into white light.
The light faded from Sunset's eyes and her ears filled with the sound of sirens going off all around her, a chaotic din of clanging bells and wailing horns and ponies screaming. Sunset could feel magic around her, not the calm leylines of Equestria but a haze in and around everything.
Sunset shook her head, trying to clear her senses and figure out what was going on. There was rich marble under her hooves, not quite the same as in Canterlot, but with the sense of wealth and age behind it. The walls around her were filled with shelves and lockboxes.
She became aware that she was carrying something. She looked at it. A big burlap sack with a bit sign on it. Given the way it jangled, it was probably full of bits. And with the alarms...
Sunset turned around and saw an open vault door. Well, open was only half the story. Most of it was slag metal now, still glowing hot in places. The rest was twisted by the force and heat of whatever had happened to it. She had a sinking feeling that what had happened to the door was, in fact, Sunset Shimmer.
She looked down at herself. She was wearing a catsuit in gold and black. It was garish and just a little too revealing, especially in back. The half-cape did not help with that at all, and her chest was covered in a symbol like a black sun with slashes across it in the shape of the letter N.
"Okay, this is strange," she muttered. At least her voice sounded right. Now she just needed to figure out why she was robbing a bank. She caught her reflection in a polished steel door. She had a matching mask to go with the suit.
"Why am I wearing a mask?" She muttered, reaching up to take it off. It stubbornly resisted the pull of her hooves. Then it resisted her magic. It was like it was part of her face.
The memories came flooding back to her as the disorientation passed.
"Discord..." She mumbled, looking around.
"Stop right there, Nuclear Nag!!!" The voice echoed. Sunset could almost hear the bold lettering and multiple exclamation marks. It was the kind of voice that would intimidate a pony if they weren't, for example, Sunset Shimmer. She tossed the bag of bits aside and walked towards the melted vault door.
"Now look, I'm not sure whaaaaaat the buck." Sunset trailed off as she looked at what was waiting for her in the bank lobby.
Six ponies stood (well, four of them stood - one was flying and another was flitting from spot to spot like they couldn't stand still even for two seconds) in front of her, and despite the fact she'd never met them, she'd recognize them anywhere.
"The Power Ponies?" Sunset whispered, confused. She looked at the group. The Masked Matter-Horn. Mistress Mare-velous. Radiance. Fili-Second. Saddle Rager. Zapp.
"That's right, criminal scum!" Masked Matter-horn took a step towards her, horn lighting up, presumably preparing for some kind of magical attack.
Sunset blinked slowly, looking over the group.
"Well. This is absolutely not what I expected today," she muttered, talking to herself. "It has to be some kind of illusion. I'll just close my eyes, block it out, and it should fall apart."
Sunset closed her eyes. She didn't have a huge amount of experience with illusion magic, but as long as she didn't believe it was real, there was no way it would be able to–
A hoof moving at supersonic speed smacked into her jaw. She stumbled to the side, and a beam of force flung her back into – she opened her eyes to be sure about this – a cage made of glowing magic, the door slamming shut.
"You're getting lazy, Nuclear Nag," Radiance said, haughtily. "Usually it takes us two minutes to beat you, not two seconds."
"Tis a sad day when even rogues have fallen prey to the vice of sloth," Zapp said, watching as Sunset stood up in the small cage.
"I think there's been some kind of mistake," Sunset said. "I don't even know how I got here. I just sort of woke up in the bank vault."
"Oh yeeeah," Filly-Second snorted, rolling her eyes. "An' I bet dat vault door, it just went and blew itself up, right? I hear dey do dat a lot on some planets. Unfortunately, dis here ain't some planet out in space where vault doors melt themselves."
"Look, I'm not this Nuclear Nag or whatever you called me. My name is Sunset Shimmer." She tried to pull the mask off again, but it stubbornly refused to move.
"Did she just-" Mistress Mare-Velous looked at Masked Matter-Horn. "You can't just say your secret identity like that!"
"It's not much of a secret identity when I'm not even from here," Sunset said. "If this is even a place. I don't suppose anypony has seen an interdimensional portal or a spirit of chaos? No?"
"Stop trying to confuse us with thy twisted words, evil-doer!" Zapp yelled, thunder crashing down around the building. "The only place thou art going is to the dungeon!"
"Prison," Masked Matter-Horn corrected.
"Maybe we should try listening?" Asked a small voice from the doorway. A masked colt stood there.
"Humdrum, we told you to stay outside," Saddle Rager whispered. "The Nuclear Nag is one of our most dangerous enemies!"
"I'm not the Nuclear Nag!"
"I told thou to be silent!" Zapp roared, a blast of lightning striking through the cage to shock Sunset. Sunset yelped and fell to the ground, twitching.
"Was that really necessary?" Mistress Mare-Velous asked. "She isn't even putting up a fight."
"She's the bad guy," Filly-Second said. "She's lucky we don't pound her into a pulp."
"And honestly, with that outfit she deserves it," Radiance noted. "It's garish and awful. More like something from a poor-quality stage production than anything useful."
Sunset groaned and started to get up. "You know, here I am, trying to be a nice pony, and I get beaten up by the bucking Power Ponies-"
She was cut off as a beam like a bar of iron clamped down around her mouth.
"You shouldn't say words like that when children are around!" Masked Matter-Horn said, pointing to Humdrum. "Robbing a bank and being a bad influence on the youth! You'll be going to prison for a long time, Nuclear Nag."
Sunset was not a patient pony. She'd been smacked around, shocked, and now that she was silenced it was just the straw that broke the pony's patience. She started casting a counterspell so she could try to explain herself again, and immediately felt something wrong with her magic.
Energy crawled along her skin, crackling in golden sparks, and the construct around her mouth blew apart a moment before Radiance's cage.
Sunset dropped down as the floor of the cage vanished, into the crater she'd formed. It was molten marble, blazing hot, and she couldn't even feel the heat.
"Okay, something's very wrong with my magic," Sunset muttered. She looked up just in time to see Zapp readying another bolt of lightning. Reacting on instinct, she tried firing a stun bolt at her, the most basic and non-lethal way to incapacitate a pony without hurting them.
A beam of impossible heat and radiation poured out of her, scorching Zapp's feathers as it barely missed her. The torrent cut through the building like a hot knife through butter, the entire bank shaking as Sunset accidentally cut through a load-bearing wall.
"Woah!" Sunset yelped. "Sorry! Something's–"
Something was, at that moment, in her snout. And it was a hoof. Filly-Second punched her clean out of the crater and through the bank counter, papers flying around her and catching on fire as they brushed against her body.
"Will you idiots listen for a second?!" Sunset yelled. A huge hoof grabbed her, and she looked up into the angry face of an enraged Saddle Rager. She was slammed into the wall, then the floor, then the wall again, until she was as limp as a rag doll.
"Ow," Sunset whispered.
"I knew there wasn't a point in listening to her," Radiance said. "She's far too dangerous for a normal prison. We'll have to put her on the moon."
"I don't have time for this..." Sunset muttered. She started to get up, and Saddle Rager stomped her back to the ground.
"I'll freeze her in a block of ice," Masked Matter-Horn said. "That should keep her contained until we can put her somewhere she can't hurt anypony."
Sunset's eyes flashed, and her body started to flare with heat, sparks crawling across her coat. Saddle Rager sniffed at the air, confused, before looking down to see her hoof was on fire. She roared and limped away, clutching her hoof.
"I don't have time for these games!" Sunset screamed. Energy flared up around her and burst outward in all directions, shattering the wall behind her and throwing the power ponies back. The ceiling cracked, and the entire second floor slammed down onto the first, burying the super-heroes.
Sunset panted and looked around, eyes wide. She'd just blown up a bank. Not that she couldn't do that normally, but she hadn't meant to do it. She'd just wanted to get away, explain herself...
A hoof-cuff clapped around her fetlock. She looked up, and a lasso tightened around her neck, pulling her down. Mistress Mare-velous gasped for breath, pulling herself out of the rubble.
"You won't get away with this," Mare-velous said, one eye already starting to swell shut. "Evil never wins in the end!"
"No kidding. That's why I know I'll get out of here, save my daughter, defeat Discord, and burn every comic I can find - and not necessarily in that order." Sunset said. She tugged at the lasso, and it pulled even tighter, choking her.
"If any of my friends is really hurt, you'll be repaid ten-fold," Mare-velous promised, raising a hoof to strike. Sunset tried to swipe it aside, and Mare-velous screamed, the lasso around Sunset's neck loosening as the Power Pony lost concentration.
Sunset tossed the rope aside and looked at her. She clutched her hoof where three jagged lines had been torn through her costume, bleeding badly. Sunset looked at her own hoof. Three silvery claws extended from her hoof, crackling with energy.
"Sorry," Sunset said, lamely. The hoof-cuff melted from her body's heat, and she teleported away, leaving another detonation behind her that closed off the opening in the wall.
Sunset did not appear where she'd intended, which had been the top of a nearby building so she could look around and figure out her options. Instead, her unstable magic threw her through time and space, disorienting her as she finally reappeared in one of Maretropolis' many abandoned warehouses. It was like they had hundreds of the things.
"Okay, that was strange," Sunset said. "Note to self: do not try teleporting again until I can figure out what the buck is going on with my magic."
"Sunset? Is that you?" Asked a familiar, musical voice, tinged with a slight tone of distress.
"Cadance?" Sunset asked, looking around. As if on cue, spotlights turned on, revealing the Princess bound upside-down, dangling over a tank of water. She was, oddly, wearing a school uniform that was at least fifty years out of date, the kind of thing they wore back when–
"Back when the Power Ponies comics first came out..." Sunset muttered to herself.
"Sunset, I am so glad to see you," Cadance sighed. "I've been stuck here for hours! Do you know how dizzy you get when you're hanging head-down for that long?"
"I'll have you down in a second," Sunset said. "This whole thing is a mess."
"What's going on?" Cadance asked. "Why are you wearing that costume?"
"That is a really good question," Sunset agreed. "And the answer is, apparently, Discord. My magic is all messed up, too, so I'm going to have to figure out some other way to get you down. Just hang on, okay?"
"I'm not going anywhere," Cadance sighed.
"Where would I put a lever..." Sunset muttered, walking around the tank until she found a control panel. "And of course, nothing is labeled."
"You know, this reminds me of that time I asked you to try role-playing more in the bedroom and I pretended to be a helpless captive–"
"This is really not the time," Sunset said, blushing. "I'm pretty sure it's against the comic code anyway."
"The comic code?" Cadance asked, trying to turn around to look behind her at what Sunset was doing and only ending up spinning herself completely around. "Oh boy. Now I'm gonna be sick..."
"Okay, this is probably it." Sunset pushed a button. A buzzer sounded, and a gate opened at the bottom of the tank of water, sharks swimming into the enclosure.
"...That wasn't the right button," Cadance supplied.
"Well, maybe it's this one?" Sunset tried a second button. A jet of flame shot out of the wall, only barely missing Cadance. The rope above her, the one keeping her from falling into the shark tank, started smoldering.
"Not that one!" Cadance yelped.
"This one?" Sunset pulled a lever. Lasers scythed through the air at random around Cadance.
"Sunset, stop pressing buttons!" Cadance screamed.
"I'm trying to help!" Sunset yelled.
"This is not help! This is the opposite of help!" Cadance threw herself to the side to avoid a laser.
"I can fix this!" Sunset pushed the lever the other way.
The rope started to lower Cadance towards the sharks, the predators circling around under her. "You keep making it worse!" Cadance wailed. "Stop helping me!"
"Okay, new plan! I don't really have great control with my magic, but I'm pretty sure I can blow up the sharks!" Sunset started charging a spell. She could do this. She just had to be confident.
"Stop right there, criminal scum!" Yelled a voice from the shadows. Sunset's spell went wild with the distraction, a beam of heat cutting through the rope holding Cadance up.
The pink princess screamed and fell, until her fall was abruptly halted by a floating, glowing mattress below her, complete with wings. Filly-Second untied her in an instant, helping her stand.
"I've got you!" Radiance said, the mattress flying away from the shark tank, carrying Cadance to safety, dropping her off behind the Power Ponies.
"Okay, wow, didn't think I'd be glad to see you idiots," Sunset sighed. "Thank you. Did you know nothing here is labeled?" She laughed nervously. "It's probably a safety code violation."
"That's not the only law you've broken, evil-doer!" Masked Matter-horn fired a white beam into the air, making the lasers rebound on themselves and short out.
"What was that?" Sunset asked, blinking in confusion.
"A mirror beam!" Masked Matter-horn declared, proudly. "I know ninety-nine secret magical techniques. Maybe if you'd stayed in school instead of pursing a life of crime, you'd understand how impressive that is."
"Wow, a whole ninety-nine spells," Sunset scoffed. "That's not what I meant at all. I meant that you can't make an energy ray that reflects light. It's just not physically possible."
"It's magic," Masked Matter-horn said.
"Magic has rules," Sunset said.
"And you'd break those too, no doubt," Zapp said, rushing forwards to strike Sunset with a hoof crackling with lightning. Sunset tried to put up a shield, but only succeeded in firing another bolt of energy, Zapp deflecting it with her hoof before punching Sunset hard enough to send her back into the shark tank.
"Ow," Sunset said. "Will you knock it off? I'm not trying to hurt anypony! If you'd all just shut up and listen for a few minutes–"
"You think we'll listen when we found the Mayor's precious daughter about to be turned into chum?" Mistress Mare-velous asked, limping on her wounded leg. "I think you deserve a taste of your own medicine."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sunset asked, wary. A shadow loomed behind her. For a moment, she thought that a pony had gotten behind her. That was true, but the shadow was actually being cast by the shark tank, which Saddle Rager was holding over her head.
"SMASH!" Saddle Rager yelled, slamming it down on Sunset. In a blur of concussive force, water, and flopping fish, Sunset passed out.
Sunset groaned, rolling over. Her muzzle felt like it was broken, and everything smelled like fish. Worse, water had gotten into her stupid costume and was making an awful squelching sound every time she moved.
"Revenge sounds pretty good now," Sunset mumbled. "I think I'm starting to appreciate why bad guys keep coming around for another go."
She tried to stand up, and found that was going to be rather difficult with the hoofcuff attaching her to the hospital bed. She instinctively fired up her horn to free herself, and a jolt of pain rushed through her body.
"Awesome. Restraining rings exist here too," she whimpered.
"Let me guess, you're in here for jaywalking," groused a voice from across the room. Sunset opened her eyes and tried to focus through her pounding headache. She was in a prison cell. One that was remarkably clean, almost like it had only been created today, fresh concrete and steel bars gleaming in the low light.
In the cell across from her, a dark form glared through the shadows.
"Do I know you?" Sunset asked.
"No. Not in this time, or this place," it said. Sunset couldn't quite make it out. There was something wrong about it. The form didn't look equine at all. She could see glowing teal eyes, suggestions of dark wings like a bat's.
"What the hay is that supposed to mean?" Sunset asked. Before the other shape could answer, there was a commotion down the hall. Sunset turned to look and saw something that effectively eliminated anything she was thinking, forcing it out of her head through sheer surprise.
Nightmare Moon was wearing a suit and being dragged down the hallway by two ponies in police uniforms. The dark alicorn sported a small goatee, her pinstripe suit immaculately pressed.
"Nightmare Moon!" Sunset waved. "Hey! I already found Cadance! We need to get out of here before-"
"Do I know you?" Nightmare Moon asked.
"Come on, Deputy Mayor Luna," one of the officers said. "Stop stalling. You're due to be arraigned in a few hours anyway."
"Deputy Mayor? Luna?" Sunset blinked.
"Hard to imagine that somepony like her would be caught embezzling the city's entire trust fund of daylight savings," one of the officers said, lingering near the bars while Nightmare Moon was led away. "And the worst part is, I voted for her!"
"I think I'm going crazy..." Sunset muttered, sitting down heavily.
"That's good," the officer noted. "Maybe it means you'll go to Arkhoof Asylum instead of the Royal Prison! They can get you some real help. My brother went there after he started wearing a costume made out of old calendars and committing crimes every holiday. Now he sells insurance!"
"How is that better?"
"Ponies need insurance."
"No, I meant how is it better than prison?"
"Better food. And you might be able to escape." The police pony winked. "I hear they can't even keep Distraction in there, and she's only seven."
"Distraction?" Sunset blinked, getting even more bewildered. A filly ran past the cage, throwing confetti into the air.
"Hey!" The police pony yelled, giving chase.
Sunset looked across the hallway to the other cell. Nothing was in it. She curled up around herself, suddenly cold.
"Oh my little girl, I'm so glad you're back!" Mayor Celestia said, hugging Cadance so hard Cadance thought she heard some of her bones start to creak and bend. The mayor's office smelled like cigar smoke and old books, both of which were pumped into the room since Mayor Celestia neither smoked nor read. She preferred to drink cake-flavored moonshine and play baseball, the greatest Equestrian sport.
"What your father means to say is that he's very glad that you're safe and that you haven't been injured," Raven supplied, holding up a stack of forms. "If you'd please sign all of these forms, Miss Cadance, we can finish the process of having the so-called Nuclear Nag charged with assault, battery, kidnapping, sharknapping, cruelty to animals, and communism."
"Father?" Cadance asked, confused.
"Yes?" Celestia asked. Cadance looked at the alicorn. And her giant, bushy beard. She decided that, with everything else going on this one point probably wasn't worth causing a scene over. Thankfully, Celestia misinterpreted her look as meaning something completely different. "Oh, yes, I see. Of course. Raven, have those brought along later. My baby girl just got back and she's been traumatized. Simply traumatized!"
"Right. Yes." Cadance agreed. "Also confused."
"That's part of being traumatized," Celestia assured her.
"I'd really like to know what's going on. Especially with Sunset Shimmer."
"Sunset Shimmer?" Celestia looked at Raven.
"That's what the Nuclear Nag was calling herself," Raven supplied. "It's probably another fake alias. According to the official Heroes Handbook, Nuclear Nag does not in fact have a secret identity and was created in space as a clone of Masked Matter-horn as one of the secret, evil schemes of her arch nemesis and twin, Lux Lightbringer."
"Ah yes, well, there you go then," Mayor Celestia said. "That seems to have cleared things up quite a bit."
"Not really. Not at all, in fact!" Cadance huffed. "I think there's been a mistake. I'm not–"
"Mayor? It's time for the press conference," Raven reminded him, checking her watch.
"We'll talk about it later, dear," Celestia said. "You're very important and beloved, and that's why I don't have time to talk about your feelings with you. We need to go meet the press."
"I can't-"
"Of course, you're right," Celestia agreed. "Not without makeup."
"Actually, Mayor, polls say that going without makeup immediately after a kidnapping helps show how serious the situation was," Raven said. "Given the charges involved, we need to put on a good show for the press."
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Raven," Celestia said. She pulled Cadance along with her as they walked out of the office and through a curtain to find themselves on a stage in front of Town Hall. Cadance blinked in surprise. Hadn't the office been on the second floor of the building? How had they gotten outside to the stage?
"Mister Mayor!" One of the reporters hopped up from her seat, waving a notebook in the air. "Is it true your daughter has been replaced by an almost-identical counterpart from a mirror universe?"
Celestia smiled as she stepped up to the podium to answer. "That's a very interesting question. And my answer is, of course, that a father knows her daughter. If she was from a mirror universe she'd probably have some kind of crazy belief like black being white, up being down, or communism being a legitimate form of government. Next question."
"Can Miss Cadance comment on her recent kidnapping at the hooves of the infamous Nuclear Nag, who is best known for having once destroyed Coastal City while fighting the West Coast Power Ponies in Issue 67?"
"Of course she can!" Mayor Celestia looked at Cadance. Raven pushed her up to the podium.
"Um, hello?" Cadance started. The audience applauded and cheered. She felt embarrassed. Celestia - Princess Celestia, not this bizarro Mayor version - had given her dozens of lessons on public speaking. And she'd led with 'um hello' like a foal.
"Go ahead, sweetie," Celestia said, encouraging.
"I think that this has all been a big mistake," Cadance said, carefully.
The crowd waited for her to pause, then broke out into cheers again. That was strange. She frowned a little.
"I don't think Sunset S- The Nuclear Nag meant to hurt anypony. I think something very strange is going on."
The crowd cheered even louder.
"Everypony, please, this is important! She didn't kidnap me! There's a creature called Discord, and he's going to destroy Equestria unless we can stop him!"
The blank-faced smiles and cheers she was met with would have been enough to wake the dead.
"None of you are even listening, are you?" She whispered.
They cheered for that, too.
She stepped down from the podium to more cheers, and Mayor Celestia took her place.
"Well, you heard her," Celestia said. "She's very tired and glad to be back home where she's loved. Once she's had some time to recover we can discuss exclusive interviews, but only if you can be polite." She winked. "I know some of you fillies and colts have been wanting to ask her out on a date, but I already told her she has to wait until she's sixteen."
"I'm thirty-five," Cadance grumbled. Nopony noticed.
Mayor Celestia waved, her aides handing out flyers to remind ponies to vote for her in the upcoming election, and the press conference seemed to end as she pushed Cadance off of the stage with Raven's help.
"That went well," Mayor Celestia said. "I'm just glad you're such a natural public speaker, honey!"
"I'm not- they were just cheering no matter what I said!"
"Well that's because everypony loves you," Mayor Celestia reminded her, patting her head.
"And none of them were listening to anything I was saying."
"Dear, it's not about what you say, it's about how you say it," Celestia said. "You just keep smiling and waving for the camera and you let your dad take care of all those hard political decisions, eh? Maybe once you're older you can start thinking about being part of a campus political club."
"A conservative one," Raven noted. "Many of the liberal groups have strong communist leanings."
"Of course, right," Celestia agreed. "Don't want to get caught up with all those bad influences like communists and gryphon-right activists and conscientious objectors."
"You're not even listening to me now," Cadance mumbled.
"And don't think I haven't noticed how you've been looking at that Flash Sentry," Mayor Celestia said. "Good kid. Hoofball star champion. Did I ever told you how I used to play hoofball in college? University of Gothoof, best team in the nation - don't let the Maretropolis Mashers hear that, though!"
"Look, I need to go talk to Sunset," Cadance said. "You just keep... mayoring or whatever."
"The Nuclear Nag is going to be executed," Raven noted. "I'm afraid she isn't going to be allowed to have any visitors until then."
"Executed?!" Cadance gasped, paling.
"It's the sharknapping charge," Mayor Celestia said. "Assault and battery is one thing, and massive property damage is just a misdemeanor, but sharks are the symbol of our great nation and we cannot allow cruelty to such beautiful animals."
"You- that's insane!" Cadance sputtered.
"I know," Celestia said. "To think anypony would put a shark in a tank when they deserve to roam through the streams and parks of Equestria freely. The two the Power Ponies saved are already on the way to a shark nursery and rehabilitation center to be given massages and spa treatments."
"It's very good for their skin," Raven noted.
Cadance braced herself on the sink in the small bathroom, trying to catch her breath. The whole world was insane. Every time it started to make sense, it turned and twisted itself like a bad dream.
She looked into the mirror. Her reflection's expression twisted into a smile.
"You look like you're having a bad day," it said.
Cadance's eyes went wide. The door to the bathroom opened and she glanced over at Raven.
"We still need to get those forms signed," Raven said, holding up a stack of papers.
Cadance looked back to the mirror. The reflection seemed normal again. She was in an insane world. Maybe she needed an insane solution to her problems. There was one thing that always worked in the comics...
"Can I borrow your glasses for a moment?" Cadance asked.
"Why?" Raven asked, taking them off any giving them to her anyway.
"What's that over there?" Cadance asked, pointing. Raven looked. While she was facing the other direction, Cadance put the glasses on.
Raven looked around in confusion. "Cadance? Where did you go?" She looked at the pink pony. "Miss, did you see where Cadance went?"
"She flew south for the winter," Cadance said. "Which way is the jail?"
"It's right underneath town hall, in the dungeon level," Raven said.
"Thanks!" Cadance waved and skipped away in her perfect disguise.
Sunset threw the red ball against the brick wall. It bounced against the wall, against the floor, and then she caught it again. She wasn't sure where it had come from. It and a harmonica had just sort of appeared when she wasn't looking, and she wasn't about to put her lips on a strange harmonica that she just found lying around.
"Sunset!" Somepony whispered. Sunset looked up, expecting to see the strange shadowy shape across the hall. Instead, she saw Cadance, looking surprisingly cute in a new pair of glasses.
"Oh my. I like the innocent schoolgirl look," Sunset said. "Please tell me you have a key."
"I have a key," Cadance said, holding up a golden key as big as her head. "I stole it from Celestia's desk."
"Princess Celestia had a key to my cell in her desk?" Sunset repeated, slowly.
"Well, it says it's the key to the city, so it must be some kind of skeleton key," Cadance said. She held it so Sunset could see the engraving on the side.
"Cadance, there's no way that's going to work. It's just a symbolic..." Sunset trailed off as Cadance slid the key into the lock and turned, the cell door opening. "...just a symboic gesture of trust..." Sunset muttered, amazed.
"I know it doesn't make sense," Cadance said. "Nothing here has been making sense." She slid the restrictor ring from Sunset's horn. Sunset motioned for her to get back and charged up a spell, her body crackling with energy and heat before she discharged a sweeping line of energy that cut the hoofcuffs free of the bed.
"This has to be some trick of Discord's," Sunset said. "He must have restricted my magic so I couldn't do anything useful to get us out of here."
"Just as we suspected. The Nuclear Nag had a henchmare all along!" The voice boomed with the tones of heroic justice, only a few degrees removed from the Royal Canterlot Voice. Sunset gently pushed Cadance aside and looked down the hallway.
Masked Matter-horn stood there, horn already glowing, along with Filly-Second and Zapp. Sunset looked back the other way. At the other end of the hallway, Radiance had manifested a giant pair of hoofcuffs and stood at the ready with Mistress Mare-velous and Saddle Rager. She was surrounded.
"Cadance," Sunset said, calmly. "Would you say that it's unlikely any of this is actually real?"
"Who are you talking to, villain?" Zapp demanded. "Cadance is with Mayor Celestia!"
Cadance rolled her eyes and took off the glasses. As one, the Power Ponies gasped in surprise as she revealed her identity.
"The Mayor's beloved daughter!" Radiance yelled, in surprise.
"Dat awful Nuclear Nag musta done somethin' to her mind!" Filly-Second said. "We gotta stop dis mook!"
"There's no way any of this can be real," Cadance said. "Things don't even fit together right. It's all like a stage. Why is the jail right under town hall? Why would they put a hospital bed in a prison cell?"
"That's what I thought, too," Sunset agreed. "I used to read the Power Ponies comics when I was a filly. This is just like them. Things just keep moving along, and little details get dropped. Why doesn't Mistress Mare-velous have an injured hoof anymore? How did they get here so quickly? Even if they'd been waiting for me to try and escape, you would have seen them on the way here - it's a straight hallway with no other way out!"
"Justice always finds a way, villain," Zapp said. "Surrender and return to your cell and perhaps we will-"
Sunset blasted Zapp back, the bars of the cells ahead of her melting just from the proximity to her magical attack, distorting and dripping like candles.
"You know, it's been a long time since I could really cut loose," Sunset said. "Every day in Canterlot I have to keep my temper under control, I have to make sure I don't break anything or anypony. I used to go out hunting monsters just to relax a little, because if I lost control for even a moment, somepony could die." Sunset grinned, her eyes starting to glow with golden light. "But here, where nothing is real? Where you aren't real? I don't need to hold back."
"Uh, Sunset?" Cadance whispered. "I'm still real."
"You're probably immortal."
"I really don't want to test that, Sunset!"
Sunset stomped a hoof, and the floor shattered. A toss of her head sent a blinding white fireball at Radiance, who created a brick wall that evaporated under the assault. She screamed as she vanished in the heat and flame.
"Radiance!" Masked Matter-horn yelled.
"I'm done-" Sunset said, as Saddle Rager, already huge and roaring, jumped at her through the flames. "-playing by the rules!" She shoved with her magic, sending Saddle Rager into the other group, Matter-horn's spell striking her in the back and freezing the enraged pony in a block of ice.
Filly-second punched her, dodging out of the way of an attack before Sunset even had the spell fully formed, hitting her from the other side. Blows rained down on her like a hailstorm, each of them individually weak but taking its toll.
Sunset struck out with a hoof, Filly-second dodging easily, letting the clawed hoof slip past her, missing by inches. She realized her mistake a moment too late. Energy flared from Sunset's hoof, a blinding burst of light that didn't need to hit her directly. Filly-second stumbled blindly on the broken ground, until Sunset set off an explosion at the Power Pony's hooves.
Bits of costume rained down, nothing left of the speedster except scraps of fabric.
"Wow, half the team and I've barely worked up a sweat!" Sunset said.
"Thou hath slain ponies and laugh about it?!" Zapp demanded, eyes crackling with lightning as she flew back into the hallway, one wing blackened and an eye swollen shut.
"Get over it," Sunset snorted. "I know how this goes. They'll be back within a year. Ponies never seem to stay dead in-" She was cut off as a noose tightened around her neck.
"You'll pay for this!" Mare-velous growled, trying to drag Sunset down to the ground.
Cadance grabbed the rope, keeping Mare-velous from strangling Sunset.
"Get out of the way, Cadance! She's a killer!" Matter-horn yelled. "I don't know what kind of hold she has on you, but fight it!"
The noose around Sunset's neck loosened, moving like a snake and wrapping around her legs.
"I've got her!" Mare-velous said. A loop of rope trussed Cadance's legs as well, knocking the pink alicorn to the ground. "I hope you've got something planned!"
"There is only one course we can take," Zapp said. She raised her amulet up.
"You sure about that, Aurora?" Sunset asked. Zapp faltered before she could bring her powers to bear.
"How did you-" Zapp whispered.
"I've got a pretty good memory. Even better than Trot Summers' over there." She glanced at Matter-horn, who paled in surprise. "What, you're not used to having ponies know your identities? Mare-velous doesn't even really have one, but I could point out the lost continent of Alfalfis on a map if you want."
"She must be using mind spells on us!" Matter-horn yelled. "Like how she affected Cadance, the Mayor's beloved daughter!"
"Stop saying that!" Cadance huffed. "I'm more than just Celestia's adopted daughter!" She struggled against her bonds. "I'm not a pawn or a damsel in distress..." Cadance kicked a hoof free as Mare-velous approached, catching her in the jaw. The animated rope slackened.
"Guess that makes you a bad girl like me," Sunset winked, helping Cadance up.
"I won't let you get away with this," Matter-horn said. "I don't know how you corrupted her, and how you know so much about us, but it ends now." Purple energy swirled around her horn, black dots swarming like angry bees. "The Professor said I should never use this spell, but I can't let a murderer like you remain in this-"
Sunset fired a blast through Matter-horn's, well, horn, shattering it. Before Masked Matter-horn could even scream, the spell consumed her utterly.
"Die, monster!" Zapp screamed, charging. Sunset blasted her into the sky with another burst of heat and force, Zapp vanishing into the blue.
"That was-" Cadance whispered. "I mean, I know they're not real, but-"
"We need to keep moving," Sunset said, grabbing her hoof and running outside. They burst through double-doors and were suddenly out of Town Hall, barricades strewn in a wide semicircle around them.
"Stop right there, criminal scum!"
"But that voice-" Cadance whispered. The Power Ponies were there. All six of them.
"Nopony ever seems to die for long in comics," Sunset said. "I thought we'd be able to manage more than a few minutes, though."
"You can never defeat the Power Ponies!" Masked Matter-horn declared. "Now we'll use our secret weapon!"
"Brace yourself!" Sunset hissed. "I don't know if I can manage a shield. All my magic seems to do is blow things up."
"Hooftess Fruit Pies!" Masked Matter-horn yelled.
"What?" Sunset asked, her jaw dropping. Filly-second used that moment of surprise to put a fried pie in her mouth. Sunset bit into it. It was filled with sweet lemon creme.
"By the gods of my native land, there is no greater bounty than Hooftess Fruit Pies!" Zapp said, holding up an apple pie.
"W-what?!" Cadance asked, as Radiance dumped a load of assorted, wrapped pies on her.
"Evil is no match for the delicious flavor! Now in black cherry!" Saddle Rager said. The crowd cheered, pastries flowing like water as the entire city started to celebrate.
"Sunset, what's going on?" Cadance whispered.
"Don't ask me. The pies aren't even that good." Sunset spat out the half of the pie she hadn't swallowed. There was a gasp from the crowd, ponies staring at her like she was some kind of monster.
"She cannot be beaten!" Zapp wailed. "Even pies have no effect!"
"Maybe if we try Twinkies?" Mistress Mare-velous suggested.
"No, I think it's clear that even our strongest attacks will have no effect," Matter-horn sighed. "The world is doomed."
[Suddenly...]
"What was that?" Sunset blinked. "You heard that, right?"
"Where did that voice come from?" Cadance asked, looking around. Sunset pushed her to the side as lead slugs slammed into the ground around them, the pavement shattering.
"ALL YOU POOZERS BETTER GET READY FOR PAIN!" Shouted a pony in black, carrying an absurdly large weapon.
"What in the hay is that?!" Cadance gasped.
"Mistress Mare-velous," Sunset said, grimly. "There was a grim time in comics when everything had to be extreme and gritty. It was why I stopped reading them."
There was a chime in the air, and a second Masked Matter-horn appeared, this one with wings and a flowing mane like a miniature Celestia.
"And that was from the stupid Celestial War event where the Masked Matter-horn became an alicorn for like two issues before the new writer changed it back."
"What?" Cadance blinked.
"Time-travel arc. Her evil twin made a wish with Tirek for power, and Masked Matter-horn had to give up her immortality to- it was a bad story arc, okay? The details aren't important." Sunset huffed. "They ruined all the characters."
"More keep showing up!" Cadance pointed at where teenaged versions of the Power Ponies jumped over the barricades.
"It's like some kind of-"
[Crisis on Infinite Equestrias!]
"Yeah, that," Sunset muttered.
"All of time and space will come here to defeat you, Nuclear Nag!" One of the Filly-seconds said. Sunset wasn't quite sure which version it was, but it didn't sound like Marey Allen. Maybe Filly Fast?
[Nuclear Nag knew she didn't stand a chance against so many brave heroes, and surrendered.]
"Oh buck that," Sunset said, charging up a spell.
[Her magic had no effect!]
She threw her whole might behind it, the wave of destruction crashing through the assembled ranks of heroes and into the city beyond, a skyscraper collapsing in a cloud of dust.
The Power Ponies on the ground were bleeding black, magenta, cyan, and yellow. Cadance sniffed. It didn't smell like blood. It smelled like...
"Ink," Cadance said. "They're bleeding ink."
[Nuclear Nag returned to her secret lair, readying a new evil plot!]
"I think that voice is coming from that way," Cadance pointed back towards town hall."
[She ignored the strange voice, because she had better things to do. Wealth! Respect! Power! Maybe even love! All of those were back at her lair, and the voice wasn't really important.]
"I think you're right," Sunset agreed, tossing another spell over her shoulder. She didn't bother looking at the resulting blast.
[At least she knows cool mares don't look at explosions.]
Sunset followed Cadance as they ran into Town Hall, the building an impossible sprawl of stairwells and doorways.
[The two went right-]
Cadance jerked to the left, through a break room. Two surprised ponies yelled in annoyance as she spilled their coffees.
[And then up the stairs-]
Cadance picked a door at random.
[And stopped ignoring the story! They could be very happy and maybe even get an interesting ending! Maybe Sunset Shimmer becomes an alicorn! All the kids love princesses!]
"The door won't open," Cadance said.
"Good, that means it's the right way," Sunset said, blasting it down. Inside was a white corridor, impossibly long.
[Or maybe they have a threesome with Shining Armor!]
"I am going to tear this whole world down," Sunset growled.
[All they have to do is follow the rules and turn back!]
"Buck your rules!" Sunset yelled. The corridor's walls seemed to shatter, and they fell into darkness. The fall lasted forever, and it lasted a moment. It spanned worlds, and the thickness of a page. The silence encompassed infinity and was contained within the period at the end of this sentence.
They landed on a somewhat worn, faded carpet and the sound of a typewriter.
"You know, most ponies like to think that the whole world is planned out," Discord said, as he tapped the keys. He didn't look up at the unicorn and alicorn as they picked themselves off the carpet. "They like to think they've got a destiny in store for them. That's what those booty marks are all about, right?"
"Where's Midnight?" Sunset demanded. Her horn started to glow. Discord put a talon to her lips, shushing her, and the spell cut off.
"She's perfectly safe with Twilight, but you won't know for sure for another few chapters," Discord said. "You know, I didn't think anything could cause as much chaos as I do, but those two come pretty darn close."
"What do you want?" Cadance asked.
"I want to have fun, play with my little ponies a bit-" he held up a plastic copy of Celestia, brushing her mane with a tiny comb. "I don't know how Sunbutt keeps all of you playing by the rules. Do I need to eat more cake?"
"If you don't bring my daughter back here, so help me, I'll-"
"You'll what?" Discord asked, his voice chilly. "Cast a spell?" He snapped his talons, and Sunset's horn vanished. "I've been polite so far because I was hoping you'd see things my way. You threw this little world into chaos! I'm so proud!" Discord sniffled and wiped a fake tear from his eye.
Sunset grabbed his typewriter and threw it across the room, papers flying into the air.
"I'm not going to play your stupid games!" Sunset snapped.
"Careful!" Discord warned. "That's your story right there."
Cadance caught one of the fluttering pages. As she read it, she felt dread crawl up her spine. What would happen if she read ahead?
["I'm not going to play your stupid games!" Sunset snapped.
"Careful!" Discord warned. "That's your story right there."
Cadance caught one of the fluttering pages. As she read it, she felt dread crawl up her spine. What would happen if she read ahead?]
"Sunset," Cadance said, carefully. "I think-"
"I think it's my best work," Discord said. "What could be better? Worlds within worlds, each with their own brand of chaos! It's just fanfiction, but I had pathos, humor, sharks, all the important elements of a story." He leaned in to whisper. "I'll tell you what, how about we start over, but this time I'll make you the newest member of the Power Ponies? Personally I think you make a better villain, but I'm willing to accomodate you. I could even make you an alicorn."
"I have a counter-proposal," Sunset said. She grabbed the stack of paper in her hooves and started tearing.
"Wait!" Discord yelled. "We're almost at the good part!"
"Oh yeah?" Sunset asked, ripping the last page out of the typewriter. "Well I think you need an editor!" The page and
world fell
apart
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Sunset and Power Ponies? Honestly admit never seen that one coming. Never imagine she would ever read one either.
Did... Did I just see a reference to one of my stories or was that just a coincidence?
ooooh this was odd and quite dark really.
Whelp. The world is BUCKED.
Good job, Sunset!
well that happened and Who knew sunset was so angry
Iron-y. I get it.
A little Stanley Parable, a little Grant Morrison's Animal Man... Wonderful exercise in metafiction, and a fantastic Discord. Though his awareness of oher timelines makes me wonder how he feels about so many of his analgoues getting defeated and redeemed. Of course, that presumes he's pays any attention to the less amusing bits. But if he has, and he's learned from it...
In any case, wonderful stuff. Looking forward to more
It was garish and just a little too revealing, especially in back
1. Especially in the back.
Well of course she can't stop pressing buttons. Because she's pulling levers.
Although I'm concerned about the consequences of her actions, I applaud Sunset. Screw Discord and screw his stupid game. And screw Nightmare Moon, too. She resorted to such awful measures during her fight and she STILL thinks she's worthy of the throne? Please.
...And what was with that figure in the shadows?
All the DC love here was amazing, thank you. I feel bad for the poney of this world now though, it seems the only Batman analog they know is that of Azbat, that is horrible! (Not as horrible as stealing forty cakes mind you, but horrible nonetheless).
I guess we get to see if Sunset's actions let us skip ahead to see what Midnight and Twilight are doing, or if we get a few more chapters of Sunset and Discord.
I'm beginning to think I've had enough of Discord in fanfiction. He's just TOO competent as a villain. Reading him win is depressing because there's really no other logical conclusion unless he falls to pride.
OK, to be honest, I found the first half of the Power Ponies bit dull... but then I've never been a big fan of this sort of "temporarily suspend the canon setting" story arc, even when told by professionals. It always winds up feeling like filler to me because of how it's effectively stalling for time in a way with little to no relevance to the primary story arc.
(Once they realized what was going on, jokes like "I really don't want to test that" and genre-savvy commentary made it more interesting... though it does still feel like something I'd much rather have seen in a sidestory where I could appreciate it on its own merits rather than having to put up with it as an excuse to delay progress on a high-tension moment in the main narrative).
I also generally think that making it metafictional really messes things up (same reason any other fourth-wall break would in a story like this which has approached the integrity and reality of its setting as it has up until now) to the point where, when it switched from Discord doing a send-up of comics to Discord going metafictional, I checked my calendar to see if I'd somehow forgotten that it was April 1st.
This is dark in a way that's discordant with the rest of the story so far. (Specifically, the "perfectly healthy individuals elsewhere in the world could drop dead without apparent cause or warning due to the actions of a single fallible character" element.)
Given how inherently disconnected most of this is from the rest of the narrative, I'll probably wind up advising people to skip this chapter when I recommend this story to them, since even the consequential bit has something more corrosive to the overall atmosphere (the dark bit) than the aggregate gain from the other bits.
Well, that was an insane chapter dealing with so many past tropes, cliches, and eras of comics. Very nice. Intriguing to see that Sunset was once a comic fan before the extreme grittiness took over. And the characterization of the comic characters makes sense as Discord would do whatever he could just because he could make it so. It'll be interesting to see what happens next.
Wonderful bit right at the end (even in a hilarious chapter) with how chaos can't stop someone from ripping destiny, even if fabricated, apart. Poetry, really
Discord, you genius s.o.b. Sending Sunset to the Power Ponies Universe was pure gold! I wanna see a spin-off of this now!
Guys, if they're floating between worlds, they're going to hear the Whispers now.
That means us.
Nobody tell them about all the worlds where Sunset ends up dating the alternate Twilight, that would seriously freak her out.
I don’t know what just happened, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to. My brain is melting and trickling out my ears. That may sound like an insult, but it’s a compliment. I just cannot process half of what just happened, and the other half is too good for me to care.
Sunset, what have you done?
9020644
Which happened to him in canon more than once.
Well, that's one strange way of committing suicide...
Well that was stupid. Can we get back to the story now?
Fascinating. I liked it.
I think limiting the Power Ponies thing to one chapter was the right choice, but we got to see more about Sunset, Cadance, and Discord from it.
Nightmare Moon... we'll have to see what is up with her. Odd that she can use the sacrifice of souls from a distance - but... I suppose in a dark way it fits part of Midnight's story, just as Discord fits other parts of it.
I like the fact that they kept commenting on the whole "comics not making sense" thing, and basically ALL the lampshading going on.
That ending, though! You evil troll!
I don't really like the part about the soul bombs, though. It's dark, it's morbid, and it raises a lot of unrelated questions -- (how does it mesh with science, what happens to stars when the owner dies, do alicorns have stars (as they are immortal -- can they be killed the same way, and how does that affect ascension, if the normies are represented completely differently), why do they even have that power at all, etc) as well as not fitting into the story well. Mostly the story has felt funny/snarky, but that part is just disturbing.
Okay Discord, Enough is Enough!
You just made this personal buddy!
Oof, das heavy, mane
*spits out drink*
I'm sorry, what?
Humdrum, in the actual comic that was published IRL, was the only character who was worth anything in terms of already knowing the solution to the problem of the week. The only time we saw him in the show, it was Spike saving the day. I'm starting to think Humdrum is the only competent character.
Gosh dangit
PFFFT "In issue 67
What, is comic land having a McCarthy Era?"
Oh my god it's operating on Lemony Snicket logic
Holy shit.
OH MY GOD!!! I never heard of anything more retarded!!!
I’m loosing brain cells!!!
Well... I don't see how they can win.