Stories for Good Little Fillies and Colts Who Love Their Lives and Do Not Wish to Die

by Fiddlebottoms

Twilight Sparkle Decides to Just Go and Kill Everybody (FiM -- Twilight & Celestia)

"Get rid of the clowns." -- 37th President of the United States Richard M. Nixon

Princess Celestia of Equestria twice described Twilight as a "mare of boundless ingenuity who may accomplish anything to which she puts her mind. One cannot help but expect Great Things of her."

The first use of this description was in a personal review of her then pupil as she recognized Twilight's graduation at the top of her class. The second use was in her amicus curae brief after which she urged the court to execute Twilight for her crimes, or any other crimes necessary to justify an immediate execution.

It was 10:15 AM and Twilight had not eaten yet despite being up for three hours. Twilight stared at the clock and paced about the room. She was hungry, this was certain, but wasn't it almost lunchtime? What if she went somewhere and the breakfast menu was not available? What if she went somewhere and the lunch menu was not available? What if she ...

Twilight paced faster making herself hungrier and accomplishing the opposite of solving her problem.

Perhaps she should just wait?

No. That was not an option. She was hungry now. She'd been drinking coffee all morning and was feeling weak and irritable and she needed food. She had sehr hungrig!

But for breakfast or lunch? Did she want eggs? Did she want a sandwich? Did she want a salad? Did she want an egg salad sandwich? And was such a thing socially acceptable at any time of the day?

No, it was not socially acceptable to eat an egg salad sandwich.

And it was monday, so brunch was also not socially acceptable.

No, it was too much. Too confusing. And she was so, so, so hungry and she had drank so, so, so much coffee. Her bladder was bursting!

Disgusting! I know!

"I know!" Twilight stopped for a beat, but let it go on too long. Dammit. Well, this silence is pretty awkward, since you know what comes next anyway. And what comes next?

Twilight Sparkle decided to just go and kill everybody. Time is a social construct, after all, and if there is no one other than her in society, well, then, there would be no pressure about what or when or where to eat! Or to pee!

Disgusting! I know!

Hurrah!

---

Twilight Sparkle approached the cafe--down where she coulda gone and just ordered off of whichever menu the waitress offered but she decided to just go and kill everybody instead--like a thunderhead.

Which is not to say she was peeing everywhere.

Although she was.

Disgusting! I know!

But she was also thunderhead like in her having violence and inevitability and hunger. Her first target hove into view and she struck him with a lightning bolt.

"Oh no! I have been struck by lightning!" Shouted the pony who had been struck by lightning! "But, by a fortuitous circumstance, I happen to be wearing a grounding vest! This vest has protected my life and well-being! Unfortunately, the vest is only good for one use! So I hope not to be struck by lightning a second time!"

Twilight, still very much like thunderhead and still peeing everywhere (she had a large bladder--Disgusting! I know!) rallied herself again.

"Oh no! I have been struck a second time by lightning! However, it seems through a once-again fortuitous circumstance, my vest still protected me somewhat! I have been a little burnt and my heart may be experiencing arrhythmia, but I shall no doubt be fine so long as I am not struck by lightning a third time and carry myself to a hospital forthwith!"

Twilight gritted her teeth--less like a stormhead now as her bladder, though large, was also finite and nearly empty--still disgusting, though! I know!--and struck once more.

"Oh no! I have been struck by lightning a third time and the formerly fortunate circumstance of my vest has provided me no protection! I shall now drop stone dead as my internal organs boil!" And he did just so, his intestines leaping out of his mouth and dancing as the sizzled upon the metal table.

Twilight laughed maniacly.

The ponies at the cafe, who had for some reason not yet reacted to anything, shouted, "here is Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville, our own fair town! She will surely explain why that pony was struck by lightning so many times so close together until he died, and also what she means by laughing maniacly and having peed everywhere!"

"Disgusting!" shouted one.

"I know!" shouted another.

"Oh no! We are in hazard for our lives!" the pony chorus added as the cafe burst into flames around them. "What could this mean?"

"It means that I, Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville my own fair town, have decided to kill all of you and am doing so."

And so it happened that the cafe was all burnt away and turned to ash and set afloating on the wind. The life and energy of those consumed not lost, merely transformed as all energy must be and set free to find itself again and again in each cycle of eternal Being.

And so it also happened that now it was 11:01 AM and, undeniably, this was the lunch time, but the cafe had been destroyed and so Twilight Sparkle had no choice but to continue on her path and kill everyone.

---

Hours later Twilight Sparkle tossed her ragged jagged hairy merry mess of a mane in the sparkling sparking of the flames as her teeth ground home on the bones of someone else’s dearly departed. After a crack, crack, pop the marrow rolled fresh and hot down her opened throat and filled her belly. She didn’t need lunch where she’d gone, which was good because it was 3:23 PM and not lunchtime, but not quite dinnertime either.

Also she was peeing everywhere, not because she had to, but just because she was marking her territory!

Disgusting! I know!

But soon the time would come when no one was left alive to judge her for engaging in cannibalism or bathroom activities outside of the officially recognized meal hours.

Or that’s what our dear hero thought to herself before a brilliant light came scream swooping down before her. There she was, Princess Celestia of Equestria!

"Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville, the fair town of many formerly living ponies," boomed Princess Celestia of Equestria, "I am very peeved with you and you must stop this at once."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I have brought these!" Princess Celestia of Equestria lifted the Elements of Harmony.

"Those are of no use to you."

"There is more than one way to use an Element of Harmony," Princess Celestia of Equestria said, and flung the Element of Honesty at Twilight's poor, purple face.

"Ow! That really hurt!" Twilight blinked furiously and got hit in the leg with the Element of Kindness. "Who throws a-- Stop it!" Twilight whined as the Element of Generosity winged her ear.

"I will not stand by and let you murder my little ponies."

Twilight ducked under the incoming Element of Magic and frowned. "You are being really immature right now."

"You are a mass murderer," replied Princess Celestia of Equestria as she pelted Twilight with another Element.

"Fine, you want to know how it feels?" Twilight snarled as she flung the Element of Kindness back and hit Princess Celestia of Equestria square in the chest. "That's how it-- Hey watch it! That one has sharp edges!" Twilight rubbed her eye where the jagged bit on the Element of Loyalty had struck her.

"No fair throwing two at a time!" Celestia shouted as she took two blows across the chest.

"You started it!"

And in Ponyville to this day they say that if you listen carefully on a quiet afternoon you can still hear the voices of the two immortal Princesses as they whine and pelt each other with jewelry forever.

And also just eat a piece of bread or something if you're hungry before lunchtime. No one likes a cannibal.

Author's Note: