Martial Mare Matrimony on the Maria
“Rarity, of all the possible times —”
“We are well past most possible times, Twilight! Events have obstructed us at every turn for weeks now, but no more, I say! I insist that you marry me, here and now!” Rarity would have kept talking, had she not been obliged to turn around and shoot a kelpie between the eyes.
“But priorities!”
Most of the conversation was shouted, due to the ongoing kerfuffle on all sides as their ship was attacked. A mob of kelpie pirates had arisen out of the salty depths astride a tamed kraken, and were in the process of ruining what had been a lovely sunny day with plans for a wedding in the afternoon. Sailors yelled, steel screamed, tentacles whipped hither and thither, flintlock pistols fired every which way.
“Priorities other than marrying the mare who owns my heart and love wholesale, at long, long last?” said Rarity scornfully, her magic reloading her brace of flintlocks. She stepped to one side to avoid a scrum of violence that rolled across the deck. Pinkie bounced atop it, shouting ‘Whee!’ as she went. “I wasn’t aware they so much as existed.”
“There’s a few, believe me!”
“Well, I refuse to let us be sidelined by peripheral trivia, darling!” Rarity floated up her pistols and discharged them to either side, was rewarded with a brace of pained squawks, and lobbed the pistols themselves the same ways to be rewarded with yet more squawks. A boom rang out from the bow and a cutlass clattered across the deck in front of her, along with disassociated bits of kelpie. Rarity smoothly scooped it up. “Do you not remember how delayed this day has been?”
“Yes, Rarity, I was there for all the delays too! But —” Twilight broke off as she flapped out of the way of the seething magics of the kelpie warlock-captain, and snapped off a crackling purple bolt his way. It was all the opening Rarity needed.
“A lovely little ceremony in the Orkneigh Islands, arranged months in advance! And no sooner do we get there, then the Earless of the Nuckelavees launches her invasion! And what with all that to-do, and having to rush out and head over to the Gallopagos to remonstrate with Discord after he stole all the tortoises there, and then that storm on one of the few calm stretches of open water we had, and now this … I have had enough! I won’t have us delay so much as a minute longer — Unhoof me, you villain! En-garde!”
“Glark!” protested the accosting kelpie, falling back with Rarity’s cutlass in his spleen. Rarity turned back on Twilight, breathing heavily. With a great effort, she seemed to force herself steady, and her expression and tone softened. “And every time I look at you, Twilight, I only want the occasion to come all the faster. For us to become one another’s, utterly, for all the world to witness.” Her voice hitched a bit. “Every time, I say.”
Twilight flapped in mid-air for a moment. Something — possibly the mizzenmast, or some breed of mast at any rate — detonated overhead. The alicorn’s eyes welled up, and then she croaked, “Yes.”
Rarity gasped, and she trembled out, “You … you mean you will —”
“Yes! Yes, Rarity, I’ll marry you right here, right now! Hang the sea-battle!” Twilight alighted on the deck in an instant, wrapping one foreleg around Rarity’s wither. “Here, now, forever.”
Rarity squealed with eardrum-piercing joy, and wheeled around to where a full-blown cluster-rut dominated proceedings on the deck. “Ooh, we need our best mares! And the captain to officiate! Where’s Fluttershy? Where’s our ship’s captain?”
“Last I saw from up there, the former was trying to convince the kraken to regurgitate the latter,” Twilight replied. “They might be busy for a while.”
“Oh, peeve.” Rarity looked from side to side. “We’ll have to make do with a volunteer officiator. Applejack!” She craned her head up, eyeing the spot where a doughty farmpony was jumping on the heads of four kelpies at once. “A marriage is happening! Would you do us the honour of —?”
“Mite busy here, Rares!”
“But Applejack, darling dearest, you —”
“Rares, recognise a fruitless prospect when it’s yellin’ at you!”
“Fine! But if I had a bouquet to throw, rest assured, I would not aim so as to favour you catching it!” Rarity huffed and cast her eyes skywards. “Rainbow Dash? Could I oblige you to — what on earth are you doing?”
“Gathering stormclouds!” whooped the pegasus, and kicked a lightning bolt out of one so as to electrocute a kelpie who’d been brandishing their cutlass unwisely high. “Almost done!”
“Gatheri — no! You’re not going to whip up a rainstorm on our wedding day! Put them away!”
“But … but I was going to whip up a maelstrom for us to have the battle in, and it’s going to be so awesome —”
“Clouds away, please!”
There came a disgruntled noise from Rainbow, and she begrudgingly shoved away the first of many accumulated stormclouds. As Rarity hopped on the spot with aggravation, Twilight cast her own gaze about until she found the last likely pony. “Pinkie?”
“Avast! Or yarr, even?” The perky pink party pony, evidently done with the earlier scrum of violence, popped her head up from where she’d been loading a carronade with mounds of stale buns, smiling brightly.
“Now, ah, Pinkie, we appreciate this might seem like an awkward time, but we need you to, er, officiate our wedding.”
Pinkie frowned. “Don’t you need the captain for that? Didn’t he get, like, scooped up by tentacles and get dropped into a hideous cephalopodic maw —”
“Fluttershy’s working on that! But until then, as a Princess of Equestria, I appoint you captain of this vessel, and ask without much optimism that this authority doesn’t get abused.”
“Oh, neat! Okay then!” Several more kelpies clambered up over the railing by her side, and Pinkie hefted her carronade and barrelled round only briefly to blast them back into the brine with bakery before turning back to Twilight and Rarity. “Now, or ...?”
“Now, please!” Twilight and Rarity clutched each other close.
“Alrighty!” Pinkie dropped the carronade and perched herself atop it, clearing her throat. “Dearly beloved and recent acquaintances alike, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining in matrimony of these two mares, and/or to reave and plunder! If the latter, not naming names, but rude. Two mares in question! Please face one another!”
Twilight and Rarity turned to face each other.
“Ahem.” Pinkie pointed at Rarity. “Do you, Rarity, pledge to take this mare, Twilight Sparkle, in sickness and in health, to share her burdens in her office and to share her joy in her accomplishments, from now till time’s ending?”
Rarity’s eyes met clear and shining violet. “I do.”
“And you, Twilight Sparkle —” From one side, there came a splashing noise and a hideous roar. “Oh, hey, they’ve brought up a second kraken. Never mind that, though. Do you pledge to take this mare, Rarity, in sickness and in health, to support her in her endeavours and art and to be a wither to support her whenever she should need it, from now till time’s ending?”
Twilight stared into brilliant, glittering blue. “I do.”
“In which case ...” Pinkie drew in one last breath, while Twilight and Rarity held theirs. From one side, there came Rainbow Dash’s warcries mixed with the roar of lightning bolts lashing down into a surfacing kraken. Screams and shots and striking steel rang out from every direction, building to a thundering crescendo. “...The brides may kiss!”
And they kissed.
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This will be a wedding hard to beat, though I expect Rainbow Dash will try, eventually.
Hahaha This was definitely inspired at least in part by Pirates of the Caribbean
Hey, if it's good enough for Pirates of the Caribbean. (Kelpies of the Caraban?)
A lovely string of firecrackers to add to the Raritwi Bomb. I'd ask to see you take on my favorite pairing, but since that involves the human dimension, I'll just appreciate what you gave us here. Thank you for it.
8919112
She won't stint on the maelstroms when it's her turn to get hitched. Heavens help the hapless spouse who may object, though it's more likely the heavens'll be inflicted on them instead. Glad you've liked Dawn's wee moment, as well as Rarity's attitude in Mereswine.
8919180
Oh, definitely. Weddings on ships in the midst of heavy combat need to be a more common trope.
8919183
Glad you approve, PotC rip-offs and puns based on theatrical makeup and all! Old Shuffles was far too much fun a detail to not include once I'd conceived of him.
My only real question is why Discord stole the tortoises. Was he trying to have them race against Angel to see if that old aesop was true?
On a related note I've been to the Galapagos. I had the honor of meeting a tortoise that was the last of his kind. He's dead now. His entire species is extinct.
Also will Rarity be satisfied with a hurried wedding, or will she demand a more extravagant one later?
8919215
Ambiguity on the subject of zombie labour law has been such a blessing for the Equestrian film industry, and they'd definitely prefer to keep it that way. Shuffles' own opinions have largely been kept to himself, barring the odd gurgle.
Was it this lad you met? I remember being scunnered to hear about him being the last of his kind a while back, and doubly scunnered when I heard of him passing away.
And aye, once the impatience had petered out and they were back on Equestrian terra firma, a fancier wedding would have been in the offing. No telling what might interrupt that one, though.
Yeeeee!! XP
8919367
Taken as approval, and thank you!
8919434
to your good self.
8919450
in' words!
Them's
8919455
Glad Old Shuffles helped you decide!
8919458
And if I hadn't already decided to Favourite it... :D
8919472
Glad you like it! I'll confess I've got less than zero eye for picking out shades, though the wiki itself seems to reckon Twilight's a 'pale, light grayish mulberry'. Deid shocking after years of presuming she was lavender.
8919474
I guess she has to make do when the party cannon isn't available. Also, nice alliteration! Also also, nice story!
8919562
She's a talented mare at improvising. Glad the alliteration appeals, as does the story overall!
8919489
Eh. Colors are so subjective--I'm convinced everyone sees them differently--that I can't really criticize. If the wiki says mulberry, sure. I'm going to keep calling it lavender, just because that's what makes the most sense to my color-naming conventions.
8919387
You’re welcome!!
Dayum, son! The Ebon Dragon himself would be hard pressed to top that wedding! Very nicely done!
8919754
Glad you think so!
Well this was entertaining. I can just picture every attempt at a wedding Twilight and Rarity have getting quite handily derailed by villains of the day or the like. At least once by Chrysalis (even if she is reformed) just for old times sake even. And oddly inspiring as the idea that their little conflicts keep ramping up as time goes on is an amusing one I would love to see done.
Well they were all good but this? This is glorious.
8920057
Glad you like it! There's definite story potential in Twilight and Rarity's eternally-frustrated wedding day. Rarity's mounting aggravation would be something to behold.
8920416
Thank you! Taking a perfectly decent, innocent prompt idea and forcing pirates into it tends to at least enliven proceedings.
There is something inherently pleasing about Rarity vs. Pirates. Can't really put into words what it is, but whenever it pops up in a fic it just makes me happy.
Also, Pinkie being an official with the power to wed any pairing she wants is a prospect that should make the world tremble.
Fun little ficlets! Dolphins and pirates and zombies, oh my!
8920672
Glad you like these ficlets! And I concur about Rarity and any association she has with pirates. Best Clotheshorse brandishing a pair of flintlocks is an aesthetic with a definite je-ne-sais-quoi about it.
8919112
8919198
I'd say it'll be the exact opposite. She and her fiance will travel the world looking for some apocalyptic crisis to share their vows in the midst of, only to have it twarted before they can begin. In a fit of frustration she'll have the absolute perfect ceremony in perfect weather, with perfectly behaving and dressed attendees, no hitches whatsoever with the music or catering out officiant, as the Sunset lasts for the whole ceremony, painting everything in it's golden hues.
She'll grumble about it the whole time, and it won't even be Discord's fault
The whole story was amazingly cute though, well worth the fave
8920558
That, and Pinkie fighting pirates/being optimistically granted temporary captaincy. And Fluttershy inevitably taming a kraken and getting it to tell her about it's feelings. And...
8920737
8920749
You can't have too many madcap elements lobbed in all at once.
8919287
Poor Shuffles.
Yeah, it was Lonesome George. Poor guy.
Chrysalis, back for revenge again?
BTW, is this in the Palaververse?
8920974
Not Palaververse canon, alas, much as the verse'd be improved for its inclusion.
8920982
Darn.
So why DID Discord steal the turtles?
8920984
Because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
8920985
Was it?
8922694
I just hope no zombie apocalypses occur.
Missing space.
I can't quite tell is this was a dreadful setting to hold a marriage in, or a spectacular one. It'll certainly be a memorable one, that's for sure.
Christ, I wonder what their honeymoon will be like at this rate.
8925037
Glad you like it! Taking fantastical notions and figuring what mundane uses you could put them towards is always good fun.
8925085
Leaning towards 'spectacular' myself, though I suspect there isn't a word that could do justice to their inevitable honeymoon.
Space fixed, and thank you.
“Rares, recognise a fruitless prospect when it’s yellin’ at you!”
But Applejack, you're a.....your cutie mark....um....nevermind.
8976698
Necromancers always take you by surprise like that. They're devious gits.
9141225
Or a scathing critique of Monochromatic. One of the two, I'm sure.
Very high praise!
A wedding during a save the world mission, that’s a new one for me.
9711558
Mixing the two seldom leads to an uneventful day, that's for certain.
9711828
I might actually try that concept one day, how well do you think it would work for a Star Trek MLP crossover?
Btw, this is a fantastic story.