• Published 13th May 2018
  • 368 Views, 5 Comments

Colony (Of Just Me And You) - Shining Smile



This is a beautiful story about a pony musician falling in love with a bat pony.

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Colony (Of Just Me And You)

Charmer crept through the trees of the Everfree Forest. The moon was almost full yet the trees were so thick that only a few beams of light could be seen through the branches. Charmer had been looking for a place to host his next concert, and heard rumors that there was an amazing abandoned castle in the middle of the Everfree Forest. The safer idea would have been to wait until morning, but the idea of finding a perfect venue for his next performance was too exciting to allow him to sleep. So here he was walking through the Everfree Forest alone, in the middle of the night.

“Come on Charmer. Why did you have to come out here now? Why couldn’t you have just waited till morning like any sane…” Charmer stopped mid thought and mid stride, as he froze and his ears perked up and swiveled from side to side. He could have sworn he heard something. Yes, there it was a loud snap. “It’s probably just the wind. Ya, the wind,” He tried very unsuccessfully to convince himself that the wind was all it was but then there it was again. A loud SNAP came from right behind him. He slowly turned his head and there in the darkness there were two big green eyes staring back at him. Charmer took a step back and the creature stepped into the moonlight. To Charmer’s horror it was a much bigger than average timberwolf. Its bright green eyes were watching Charmer’s every movement, studying him. Its wooden body was crouched low as if ready to pounce at any moment. Its lips were pulled back showing off its sharp thorny teeth. Charmer panicked, turning and running away as fast as his hooves would take him. Charmer ran, the wind rushing through his light brown mane and tail. He ran until his chest burned and his legs ached, He kept running not really knowing where he was going. All he knew was that he could still hear the timberwolf’s steps behind him and he had to get away. He ran until his hooves got caught on a root. He fell down a hill until a branch snagged his black collar shirt. The uneven ground left him flailing his legs around as he could not touch the ground. When he realized that he wasn’t going anywhere, he started to really panic. He heard a growl from behind him as the timberwolf started to circle him. It stopped in front of him and prepared to pounce. Charmer closed his eyes. There was a roar, the sound of branches breaking, and then just the sound of the wind.

Charmer opened his eyes. He was soaring high above the tops of the trees of the Everfree Forest being held up by a pair of light gray hooves under his arms. Charmer tried to look up only to be stopped by a voice. “Hey, watch where you point that thing. You nearly poked my eye out.” In all the terror and confusion Charmer had forgotten he was a unicorn. Not wanting to skewer his rescuer he decided that it would be better to keep his head straight for the time being.

They flew to the edge of the forest, to a small clearing. The pony who had rescued him gently placed him on the ground and flew off to a large old apple tree a little ways away. Charmer walked up to the tree to get a better look at his savior. Charmer’s heart skipped a beat as he looked out at the pony who had just saved his life. She was sitting on one of the lower thicker branches of the tree. She had a beautiful magenta mane and tail. Her mane was long and stretched down her back and her tail was long enough to touch the ground from the branch she was sitting on. Her coat was a light gray and her wings were black. As it turns out she was not a pegasus, but a bat pony. It was love at first sight.

“Um… uh… thank… you.” Charmer was normally very good with his words but for some reason he was having a hard time finding the right thing to say. He decided that if he could not find the right thing to say he would follow his talent and put his words into a song. Singing always made him feel more confident. Charmer lit up his horn and music began to play as he began to sing.

“A million stars shine like spotlights,

But not as much as you

In the most bashful walk, under the branch,

I ask “is there room for two?”

The music stopped and Charmer felt himself centering as he sang and he was again able to speak.

“Hi my name is Charmer. May I ask your name?”

The bat pony seemed confused as though nopony had ever bothered to ask the question.

“You really want to know my name?”

“Yes please I would love to know the name of the pony who saved my life. Also It would be a shame not to know the name of a pony as beautiful as you.”

“Well alright then, my name is Magenta. Every other pony normally runs away when they see this” she said stretching one of her wings blushing profusely. “You really think I’m pretty?”

“More than anypony I’ve met so far.” Charmer lit up his horn and the music began to play again.

“Talking like I am robust, when more than anything

I wish someone would take me under their wing

Tired and freezing, but still here, in spite

For one who is only awake at night”

Charmer stopped singing and looked up at the beautiful bat pony sitting on the branch. “Now I will ask again is there room for two here?” She nodded her head as she hopped onto the ground. She tapped the ground with a hoof as an invitation for him to sit next to her. He took the invitation and sat down. She slowly wrapped her wing around him.

Charmer’s face turned red. “Um, if you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing?”

“Well you said you were freezing didn’t you? So I thought I would keep you warm.”

It wasn’t until now that Charmer noticed their height difference as he looked up into the beautiful red slitted eyes that smiled back into his blue ones. She was at least a head taller than he was. He leaned his head against her shoulder. She was so warm he could have fallen asleep right there.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what was a little pony like you doing out in the forest at this time of night?”

The question brought Charmer back from the land of dreams as he remembered why he was there in the first place. “Oh, I was looking for this old castle that I had heard was in the middle of the forest. I thought it would be the perfect venue for my next concert, but all I did was get lost,”

“Why couldn’t this wait till morning?” Magenta asked seeming genuinely curious.

“Well I got a little over excited and I couldn’t sleep, so stupid me decided to go ahead and look for the castle, and... well... you saw how well that turned out.” Charmer cast his gaze down to the ground.

“Aw, don’t look down. I happen to know the castle. Let me take you there.” Magenta stood up and extended him a hoof.

Charmer’s ears perked up and he looked up at the gray bat mare. “Yes please. That would be awesome,” he exclaimed as he smiled and took her hoof.

They flew back over the trees of the Everfree Forest, it wasn’t long before Charmer could see a large stone structure in the distance.

They landed on the steps of the ruined castle. Charmer couldn’t help himself. He was practically prancing in place he was so excited. “This place is amazing! I can’t wait to perform here.” Charmer turned to Magenta, “You’ll come won’t you?”

Magenta was unsure, but looking at how happy he was how could she say no, “Sure.”

Charmer practically jumped for joy he was so happy.

Charmer’s next few days were spent getting the castle looking nice for the big night. He even hired some local unicorns to ward a path to the castle so his guests could get there without any worries of the creatures of the forest. While his days were spent making sure the castle was ready he would always make sure he found a little time to go and visit Magenta at her tree every night.

Finally the big night arrived. The castle was packed to the brim with ponies. Charmer looked out at all the smiling and happy ponies who had come to hear his music and it made his heart soar, but his heart sank a little when he realized that Magenta wasn’t in the crowd.

He put on a smile and started his concert by first addressing the crowd, “Greetings everypony! How are we all doing this night?! As most of you know I am Crusader and welcome to my performance! I hope you all enjoy the music you are going to hear tonight!” He started by getting the crowd pumped with some of his classics before it was time to play his newest song, a song that he had written just for Magenta. That’s when he spotted her in the back row. His heart soared higher than ever before. Charmer stopped the music and addressed the crowd once again, “So this next song I wrote for a very special somepony. I hope she enjoys it as much as you do,” he said, his eyes never leaving the spot where Magenta was sitting.

Magenta sat in the back row listening as the song began. The song reminded her of the words he had sung to her on the night they met with a lot more added.

“A colony of just me and you?

You’re the moonlight that shines my way home

When I don’t know what to do

They say “Early to bed and early to rise makes a stallion healthy, wealthy and wise”

But do you mind if I stay with you?

A colony of just me and you

A million thoughts run through my head

Of what I should say

My heart audible when I see you in my dreams

And when I think of you all day

I have come quite away

In this night cold as stone

Hoping that when I see you, that you’d be alone

The closer I am, the slower I walk

Though my heart is striking, I’m still in shock”

Magenta was on the verge of tears she was so happy. The song was so beautiful to her ears that she didn’t want it to end; however, the song eventually came to a close and so did the concert.

“Thank you everypony for coming out tonight! I had a fantastic time playing for all of you! Goodnight!” Charmer walked off the stage and waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs was Magenta. “You made it!” Charmer yelled as he ran to greet her. I was afraid you weren't going to make it.”

“I was a little late but I made it for the best part at least,” Magenta said with a smile.

Charmer rubbed the back of his head, “Well what did you…” He was interrupted as Magenta leaned down and planted a kiss on his lips. The kiss only lasted a few seconds but to Charmer it was an eternity.

Magenta pulled away and looked down at the cute dark gray unicorn, “It was beautiful.”

Author's Note:

All OCs belong to Crusader! and were used with his permission. All song lyrics in this story come from the song Colony (of just me and you) by Crusader!. It is a beautiful song and if you like the lyrics I put into this story please consider listening to the actual song.

Comments ( 5 )

It's not terrible, but it's not without its issues. On the upside, the story is pleasant enough, largely grammatically sound, and you-the-author are clearly paying homage to the song that makes up its backbone. On the downside, the pacing is stuttered, the characters get little development, the song lyrics don't fit all that well with the scenario as an improvisation, and there's a lot of telling where showing would be best. Also, while a somewhat minor note, having the story description describe itself as a beautiful story is a bit self-aggrandizing.

Ultimately, it's hard to get immersed in the story or identify with the characters. The former could be improved by more description rather than stating and a smoother narrative flow, while the latter would require less-blatant shoehorning of the song lyrics and more characterization in terms of motivation and emotion - again, via showing rather than telling.

As it stands, the story is a bit like watching someone play with a pair of dolls; the theme and intent is clear, and that's kind of sweet, but without something to bring immersion and to cause the watcher to care it feels artificial; lifeless. You've got the right idea, but you must understand the story not merely as you write it but as the audience hears it, and with that understanding breathe life into your characters and your setting.

8926357
Thank you for this input. It means a lot to me that you would go out of your way to give me this feedback. I will try to get around to improving on this story. and to incorporate your feedback into my future stories. :twilightsmile:

8926391
And thank you in turn for taking critism with dignity. Good luck, and I hope you find at least some of it helpful.

good job fellow NC brony

Good, needs editing and polishing, as well as if you're gonna have lyrics in the story they have to be set differently, but it was kinda nice and true to itself. I liked it.

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