• Member Since 6th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen January 31st

TheNewYorkBrony


The name's Dash. (Previously Ronnie) And I write humanized pony stories. Welcome to my humble page.

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Unable to sleep lately, Sunset is advised by her friends to go see the school counselor. Reluctant at first, Sunset gives in, and soon realizes a lot of things about herself, her friends, and her past.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 27 )

“Calm down Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes. “We’re the once who said she should go in the first place.”

Looking very good. Not sure if there is a spelling error here though.:pinkiehappy:

8937164
once should be ones

8937308
yeah i made a typo me bad

“I’ve been stay up late.”

"staying"

Especially since no student has came to me about you for months.”

"come"

Take my hand Twilight.

Comma before "Twilight".

“The moment I realized that someone else needed the help I got. The moment I realized I was meant to bring her back from the same brink I was on.” Sunset said, smiling.

This happens a few times, but you need to have a comma instead of a period when dialogue ends with a dialogue tag like "said"

“I know [] didn’t want to come here today, but did it at least help you feel at ease?”

Missing "you" here.

“I’m just glad we didn’t catch you sleepwalking through the hallway! Can you imagine?! Zombie Sunset!” Pinkie bubbled, starting to groan and stagger like an undead monster, much to the amusement of the other girls.

Oh noes, first demon, then a zombie?! What's next? Frankenset shimmer? Shimmer of the Undead? :rainbowlaugh:

Everything was going to be just fine.

Princess Twilight said exactly the same thing a short time before Tirek started his second rise. :raritywink:

Do you want any criticism?

“I...yes and no.” Sunset said, sitting back, the leather groaning along with her movements. “When I think of my mom, I don’t see my actual mom. I see Princess Celestia. When I think about the memories I have, or the ones at least, I think I still have, I think about our tea parties, and the days where I’d watch her set the sun, and sing to me as her wing was draped over me, lulling me to sleep.”

Nicely done! The feeling was so well conveyed!

The topic of memory loss could so easily become fuel for a horror/dark story, but nice way of getting the counselor to at least ease Sunset's mind. I really wish the fandom hit the memory stone as hard as we seem to hit the Anon-y-miss one, since it's just a better story line.

8938811
Cool. I don't like to drop it on anyone that isn't open to it. Seems kinda condescending to me and it never really ends well.

It seems like this and most of the other stories I've read from you kinda get stuck in the idea phase and never really move out of it. I mean, Sunset going to therapy to explore the darker sides of herself she's shied away from for so long? That is a really interesting idea and I could also see it being a comedy as well. The problem is the execution here is basically nothing more than exposition: Sunset tells the therapist her abridged life story and a few cursory intimate details but it never really goes anywhere beyond that. There wasn't really anything funny going on nor anything particularly sad about the details she shared, which leaves me wondering what the point of it was. Sure, she was trying to resolve something keeping her awake at night but it didn't really feel like anything got resolved. She said some stuff about the memories she did remember and then poof, she says she feels like she can sleep again. There wasn't really any satisfying resolution in that regard and the conflict was resolved almost forcefully.

That and honestly, most of the story seemed kind of disjointed. Like all the information she told the therapist could have been excluded to focus on the main conflict she was facing. I think the story would have done a lot better with some more planning. Like what came before that finally made her friends tell her it was time to see a therapist? A few nights of sleeplessness isn't that big of a deal so maybe something more serious could have happened. Then she could have an initial reluctance to open up to the therapist, followed by a breakthrough and learning more about herself because of the experience. That kind of thing would have been really interesting to read as Sunset struggled through why those missing memories were bothering her so much. As it stands it just kind of happens without much meat to it. I'm not here to force you what to write, but I would suggest taking ideas and refraining from writing 1-2k word stories about them and stop to flesh them out to something closer to 4-5k if not more. It would give you some valuable practice and make your stories much more interesting.

One last thing is that you rely very heavily on dialogue to move your story along. In certain segments this isn't a bad thing, but it pretty much dominates the story. A more detailed description of the therapists office and Sunset's uneasy feelings or initial hostility would go a long way into conveying emotion that you want to get through to your audience. Even little moments of silence of character movements can be more fleshed out to better show what you're trying to build up. Just try to think about what's going on around the characters as they're talking, also what they're feeling and doing while they're talking, not just what they're saying.

I say all this because I really do want to enjoy your stories. You have a lot of really good ideas that I'm honestly sometimes jealous that I didn't think of them. I respect someone that is still dedicated to EQG like you are when so much of the fandom has written it off. Prolific and talented EQG writers are definitely something I think the site needs more of. I'd like to see you improve but just sticking to 1-2k word long stories isn't going to do much to help you down that path.

Hopefully that didn't come off too dick-ish. If you've got any questions about anything else I'd be happy to try to help.

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8937325
Your avatars make it look like Sunset's arguing with herself, and that amuses me for some reason now that I've read the story.

8938865
Not dickish at all! Thank you for telling me...honestly i would like to do 4k stories but honestly when i do those type of stories no one tends to read them. For example, i wrote a 4k Christmas special and it barely got any traffic. It was really discouraging because i honestly put all of my heart and soul into that story.

I honestly feel like ill never be as good as you, or Oroboro, or TheAlbinocorn. I feel like my writing isnt up to par with some of my ideas amd i kind of flounder through them thinking im doing well. Im going to try next time to write it out more, because i honestly do sometimes feel like i cut things short too often.

8939010
I think that might just come with the territory. People read shorter fics because they can get through them faster, but will most definitely still read longer stories if they're interesting/well-written. I definitely know how discouraging that kind of thing can be, but i can promise you it will turn out better in the long run even if those longer stories end up flopping in comparison on occasion.

All you need to do is keep practicing. I honestly think you can get to that point if you want to. Believe me, I know how hard it's going to get--I must have half a million words of unwritten trash across all my laptops that are basically unpostable--but in the end you'll be glad you did. If you ever need any help don't hesitate to ask.

this story was really good and heart warming you should write more have sunset do weekly visits

8939035
Youre absolutely right about that. You made me realize that if im not trying my best, ehy bother trying at all? It does suck, but youre absolutely right, i shouldn't let it get me down. For every dud theres always a diamond. I will keep practicing, and thank you for offering your hand. Getting advice from one of my favorite authors would help immensely. :twilightsheepish:

After reading what they had to say, I can completely agree with Holy on this. There's a lot here that could be expanded into a larger story; be it a larger one-shot or a series of chapters going over different subjects.

I love a lot of your works (Magic Touch, Spankset, Never have I ever). Your smaller works are really nice and well written, and they feel more intimate because of that. Especially when it's either focusing on a joke or two characters having a discussion. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't love seeing more longer projects from you; especially when a topic like Sunset going to therapy has a lot of potential to get into the nitty-gritty.

I've only written one things so far, with more planned (and not finished), but seeing people like you put out such nice work really helps inspire me to work on my projects some more. :twilightsmile: Keep improving! Never give up!

This is somewhat specific, but you really should have had the councilor introduce herself immediattly and then use her name mostly when she speaks and such. I legit couldn't get over the fact that she was only referred to as "the woman", "the counselor", and "the older woman" for the entire fic.

A background pony or even an OC would be fine. "Sympathetic Ear" would be a pretty solid name.

A sentence or two describing her wouldn't hurt either. It's usually superfluous for the main/mane cast, but good for background characters and ocs.

This don't need the sad tag, it's not sad enough.

Still fairly decent.

I was slightly surprised it was not Dr Wolf. Then again, he is rather busy with other patients, including Princess Celestia.

9012453
I actually kind of wanted to make her dr wolf, but I didnt exactly know how hed feel about that

Completely unrelated note, what kind of phone do you have? I may be able to help.

8939010
Still better than mine for the most part. All of it, given that you include why I write.

8938366
Or having to wear a frilly princess dress, especially if Rarity makes it?
Well,. Rainbow Dash might find that scary...:rainbowderp:

Everything was going to be just fine.

Oh no, Sunset! You should know better than that by now!:pinkiegasp:

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