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Comments ( 107 )

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

Comment posted by Scaramouche deleted May 20th, 2018
Comment posted by Scaramouche deleted May 20th, 2018

Great question!

Crow is a Trottish Griffon (think Scotland) and does have the accent to go with it. However, as the narrator, she doesn’t write in her accent and everypony we’ve met so far knows her. It’ll (hopefully) be interesting to see how ponies who do not know her react to that... in my head, she’s got a fair voice, a betraying way of speaking that suggests she’s on your side before she lays down the pain.
As far as her singing voice, definitely in the middling range of a soprano.

Gypsy’s voice is much scratchier in comparsion. She talks and sings with a smokey yet alluring alto tone. She sounds like she smokes enough for it to be attractive, not enough to be the walking dead.

As for Deadwood, he’s an interesting one. He will pause to think when he’s speaking, but not for long. Though he may not seem to be considering what he is saying, he’s meticulously planning every word he used. He might become less so when angry or excited.

He sounds like he’s trying to talk quickly yet tiredly, I have to say that I cannot get Michael Rooker’s manner of speaking out of my head whenever I write dialogue for him, without the southern twang.

I hope that paints a broader picture for your imagination:D

thank you :D x

Pssst! Your picture link does not work. You can't post pictures in the description like that

What picture? >_>
Thanks <3. It worked in the preview, I hoped it was just an update/browser issue

So advices… First of drop the double linebreaks, they does not do anything for the story that a normal linebreak wouldn't do and makes it look like you have typos in there, and are fucking up with my formating of the story so it looks like bird droppings. Secondly, you out right say that the storywriter isn't a good writer, so don't think too much about it. Focus on the charataristics of the bitch Crow instead of finer details of writing, let the story ooze with personality instead of thinking so much about how it is written… One thing thou, remember the biggest sin of story telling, "Show don't tell," no matter how bad a storyteller is, unless it is intentional and meant as a joke are telling the reader what people feel and think so cringeworthy compared to show us how they feel. There are no need to tell that there mare there are swinging her hips from side to side, waving her long eyelashes at the main char and lick her lips in a sultry manner is, gasp, flirting with them! Also, don't use "asked" instead of "said" when caracters ask questions, too many does that and a questionmark does actually do the job fine.

And remember kids, the song not over before the fat bird have sung.

"destroyed their neighbours and stuffed their survivors into holes in the ground in hope they would all come out ready to start again one day" Start what again? Start the war up again, it all over again, making lunch? You clearly have a tone with your story, so adding an extra word to this open sentence would help it.

"If any Stable can prove that every cognisant creature would have been better boiling to death in the blasts that wiped out most of Equestria so long ago" I am personally missing an "of" here.

"but this is the only way that I am able to capture everything as accurately as I can. Sort of." Unless it is meant to be badly written would I throw an ellipses in there.

I was expecting little birds by my window, what the heck is this original song thingy doing here!

… And no I did not skip a chapter out of curiosity, you have no valid proof to back up your outlandish claim!

Haha , I’m not insulted that you did!
I am going to add that to the “Last Song” Spotify list, containing the songs I listened to whilst writing this...

.... oh sweet Celestia.... it’s in my head and it’s adorable!!!

This has also helped me name a character I was struggling to find the right name for! Nice one ! <3

Gonna read it soon. That ugly piece of a horse on cover sold it for me.:pinkiehappy:

Thanks for this! It's been really useful!

The fat bird hasn't sung just yet, she's still learning how to use her lungs.
Just like her, I'm learning a lot too. which is why I appreciate this feedback so much. I do take it on board and I do my upmost to use it as a leap pad to improve this and future stories.

This really, really helps <3 thank you so, so much, I hope you keep reading and if you do, I hope you notice me take this on board after chapter 5.

In the meantime I've had a try at fixing those nitpicks :3
All good things!

Once upon a time did I try in folly to write a story, and started it more or less in the same manner as this chapter. Fully in media res, no explanation as that would come as time went on, just living breathing action slowly revealing more and more about the characters. Heck my first chapter did not even tell the gender, race or age of the story teller, they did just tell their story and that was it. Beside the normal "first chapter so have to tell how all of the characters look like" did I really like this one. Keep up the good work

"Even the highest and mightiest ponies have lived by eating something that their dead neighbor didn't get chance to eat before expiring to the humongous" I know he isn't meant to be the best writer... But this could need a do over¨
"What I do know is that I sobered up swiftly when I saw him sat there in my bunk," sitting
"His hooves reached for his grisly helmet first and he tilted it up out of his face." off?
" she’d confided in me later that it wasn’t that she wanted him out of the group," Remember your capital letters
"it was that part of me won that round." as above
"“s-s... sw~" All of the s's should be capital because writing is weird.
"the taller of the hopped back and his previous carrier spun on her hooves" Missing a few words here
" and slapped her foot against his chest to steady herself." Hoof

Ms. Crow... Miss crow? I think that I missed something somewhere, ain't crow a dude?... Welp, guess I was wrong and this whole threesome with the lovebirds are gonna be a whole lot kinkier!

And why do I get deadpool vibes from deadwood… Hmm I sure wonder why...

"When it came time for the next big bang he became an Overseer of a Stable." Overstallion
"The Balefire hadn’t quite got to their side of Ponyville and he successfully led his ponies out of the warren." Equestria?"For once, these ponies didn’t immediately get their flanks broken into by some big burly mutant or gobbled by a hungry Deathclaw" Equestria does not have deathclaws, they have... I can't remember, is it hellhounds?
"I had my modified Carbine rifle under my wing, which was rearranged to fire with a backwards tug of my wings." Griffins have this amazing thing called hands… so why does he not use his to fire his weapon? I mean higher accuracy and more nifty and all that.
"“Nope. Is this fact or fiction?” Cli-clank." Needs to be italic
". as it was" Capital letter
"My sharp Griffon eyes scanned everything the dump had for data on my situation. " Griffin is an animal/race, so no need for capital letters
"no matter how I looked." Where
" I trusted him just enough not to leave me in the predicament but There was no sign nor skull of the horse. " Random capital letter

Yep! Miss Crow. Crow MacRural, to give her the full title. I did notice you mentioned it a while ago, and when I originally had the idea for Crow and Deadwood, Crow was also male. The original concept was that they swanned up to a group of Raiders tormenting a filly and blew them all to bits...

...And that might still happen :3 spoilers...

However, I read a Neil Gaiman book that I thoroughly recommend called Anansi Boys. In that, there is a human embodiment of a crow who is female. That sparked the idea in me that Crow could be female. It was an idea I liked too much to put down.

As for DW, he has a mix of all the old faves; you’ll see hints of Jack Sparrow, the Joker, Sherlock and DP. He does most things for himself and his moral compass is so broken it thinks North is a made up direction.

The wing gun. I thought this through (translation, I did not think this through) and I do have an explanation for it (translation: I’ll make something up to pretend it was all part of the plan). As well as handheld weapons, she has these for ariel battles.

Again, thanks so much for the other nitpicks, I am going to go through and fix the errors.

You’re brilliant, you really are :D ~<3
All good things,
Dusk Hoof

We had a giant order at work, so haven't had a calm moment in the store before now, so no I have not forgotten your story.

Why do I think that Deadwood have a charisma score of 12?

" I had expected to be stood a long" Unless someone placed him long long away am I pretty sure it is standing.
" with a Hard Apple Whiskey in one paw," Kitten paws in the back, chicken tallons in the front
"The walls concertinaed" I do not know this word, so how does raider birbbrain know it?
"I tried not to look to judgmentally at Elm as returned my greeting at took the offered hoof to shake. "... say one more time?

Thanks again! I must have been drunk writing some of those lines. Crow’s been drowning me in her whiskey...
Crow: “ha! As if! Touch my buckin’ whiskey, she how it fares you!”

Okay then...

Anyway, don’t worry, the story is not going to disappear. I’ve been busy myself plus I think I have a lot to fit into the next chapter, so it may take a bit longer. Read at your leisure, I can tell you there are a few more characters, there’s a filly called Mole, there’s a lot of Stable, and there are the Minstrels... all to be introduced. <3 I have made a comment on the next chapter thanking you especially for pushing me to improve my writing.

So about one third in... The T stand for "town" right? I mean why would there else be multiple bath houses and not just showers, as well as a scenic route, multiple whiskeys and ways for a teen pony to disappear. That they can lock up so many peeps up and house another equally as big group does also speak about how big that place is, as well of as the mention of a "warehouse" and not just "knick knack area". Ha I love it when I am quicker than the main character to figure things out!... Okay it was maybe only like 2 paragraphs earlier that I figured it out, but still!

So they have a market place and a barter system instead of a rationing system as other stables would have... 20 Bits that Crow are gonna ask where they keep the brothel down there at some point in the next... ohh 2-3 chapters!

So Crow got a new piece of bling bling accessory... One thing thou, being made to be a hoofband, would it not be way too wide for her skinny arms? Having Crusty slap a kid bracelet on her would be a bit more humiliating and ohh so fitting on how Crusty see these newcomers, and the kid friendly guidance that would follow, on top of not full abilities of a grown up edition could actually be a pretty nice story element.

Molasses Candy... I named that amazing bitch! I love those over the top peppy chars, and is also why Pinkie is best pony and I have a plushy of her to sit over my TV so she can watch me forever!

And she? I mean sure my OC is a female, but I am as manly a Viking as you will ever find in Denmark! For calling me a she will I rape your house and burn down your animals!

"but that this was a hospital and not a museum." Ohh she is not that old that she is pre-historic =P I think that zoo would work better
"Whoa. don’t flap, " Capital letter or an ellipsis
"a green mare with a Cutiemark of a garden path and a…." cutiemarks does not need capital letters
" These wore hole-less," were
", I quickly plunged my dull talon further into my honey pot" So far I know does birds not have dull talons, but they kinda go into the foot, just as a cats claw can. And seeing that they are half birb and half kitty... Really small detail I know.
"agreeing cheekily to the terms." Double linebreak after this sentence
"Mr. High and Mighty himself." Needs to be a contraction with a pair of -, names with multiple words in them are always written like that, said mister Always-correct-never-wrong-super-smart-overstallion
“See that she stays until a pony is assigned to her and- No.” All caps, bold letters, seven exclamation points, let this no shine as the yell it is instead of us reading a description of how loud it should be.

I redid the line "Even the highest and mightiest ponies have lived by eating something that their dead neighbor didn't get chance to eat before expiring to the humongous" to "The highest and mightiest ponies have lived by eating something that once belonged to their dead neighbor. If you didn't get chance to eat it before expiring to the humongous, glittering Canterlot in the sky, then it doesn't belong to you anymore." hopefully that's an improvement :) fixed the other nits I think too.

I've read that opening chapter of "Serenity" and I am interested to hear where it goes. I'm even willing to help you write a bit of it if you like, although at the moment I am invested in writing this story and seeing it through to it's conclusion. Once I've finished this, I will have to decided whether I want to write the second part of the trilogy in my head or whether it is best to end with this story, but I've still got a way to go before we get there. :) whilst I'm planning what happens to that tale, I'd happily offer a welcome hoof to you, if you want it. If it's not going any further, that's fine too. There are always stories, some just are not ours.

Okay, think I'm up to date with my nits so far :D

Wowzers, you are quick! There's a few things there you've picked up on that do fit with what I have in mind. No spoilers though. . .

I love the idea of Crow's Pipbuck being a child's one! I will have to use that, I hope you don't mind and I'll make sure you get a mention.

As for your mention, I've corrected, I didn't mean to put she. I think writing she a lot due to Gypsy and Mole, it became a habit. Sorry about that!

All nits picked!

Song lyrics that I have written. I have not got sheet music or performances of them, only an idea in the author notes of how I imagined them sounding when I was writing them.

Thanks for your question!

Just seen your other note; I think it will! I can definitely see one or more of the villians singing... if they’ve not already >_>

Thanks for the second question!

Buy me booze and I will be anything you want me to be. Best friend, Prench maid, whore, anything.

Slides the Crow one a bottle of absinthe and wiggle my eyebrows I will expect Prench maid fanart in my future :rainbowlaugh:

So warnings about fillies not being welcome in whiskey houses and a boop game that earn you icecream… I can see you fell in love with the kid version of the FunBuck XD By the way… With how buck also are used in the wasteland… Yea Crow really needed a fun buck.

So with all that “aye-aye Captain"... buck me if one of the next writing prompts in the FoE groups won't be pirates

So I really love the idea of the amusement park, partially because of Crows reaction, partly because the Nuka-cola DLC... But one thing about the park is that it is screwing with the feeling of size. The stable does no longer feel like the size of a town, at least not any town that I know, but a small country. Hearing that they have a Ferris wheel makes this place enormously huge with the lack of restraining descriptors. Like have it at least just scrape against the cealing of the plan that they are on, or have it actually go trough multiple levels of the town, which sounds like such an original and epic idea. I get that you want the place to be big, but be careful that you don't overdo it, willing suspension of disbelief can only be stretched so far after all.

“Hi! I’m Bucky, your FunBuck Friend! Welcome to your Stable-Tec Arcane Targeting Spell (S.A.T.S.) tutorial! This is a special magical spell that helps you hit several things in one go,”

First of all, we need a jingle for Bucke the Stable-Tec friend! Secondly would a kiddies spell to help shoot peeps not be a Stable-Tec thing. Maybe go "Help protect you against baddies, without hurting them!" the aiming spell going for non-lethal shots and such.

oh,” She paused a moment," Forgot a capital letter
"Captain! Flappity flap flap!”" If you remove the exclamation point would it be more fun… at least for me
"Whiskey has offered to show me … something else" Remove space
"one free Ice Cream!” Capital letter
aye-aye Captain,” Capital letter
"The dress fit me perfectly." How would a dress meant for fillies fit Crow perfectly? First of all different races, secondly wings, thirdly give us sulky Molasses sitting in a corner not saying much while Crow spends her new earning at a tailor getting the dress made out for her.
"Ten seconds" Need a space in the start of this sentence

I love this story so far, it’s one of the best new FoE fics I’ve read in a while. To me, it really fills a place that has been missing since Anywhere But Here, one of my older favorites, since the author nuked his account along with the original.

This is surprisingly well written, especially for the the “not a good writer” warning, has some lovable characters already, and some quotable comedy that got me
laughing. Deadwood is the perfect max charisma chaotic neutral type, Gypsy is the love triangle interest, and Mole is just too hekkin cute. (Don’t hurt her, seriously)

I look forward to the next chapter!

Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback!

You're not the first to tell me not to hurt Mole, and I have a feeling you won't be the last.
I know where she's going and I'm not going to give any spoilers for anything, but I can promise you I love her to bits.

What I am happy to tell you is that Deadwood, Gypsy and a few others will be back for the next chapter, there's a paradigm shift in Crow's motivations, and you find out what, or who, the Minstrels are....


Hells, Doomy, I’m at Entry 10 and Crow is STILL in need of a fun buck! She was originally going to get one in this chapter too, but the universe is developing a stronger relationship for this birdbrain.

Pirates, huh? .... watch this space (I mean, you’ll have to watch it for a long time, but hopefully some fun stuff will happen in between.)

The amusement park was actually born from another story I have in my memory banks ready to write when this trilogy ends. A squirrel and a collie fall in love with each other at an amusement park after a harrowing experience. I took that idea and used it loosely here to give Mole and Crow the togetherness time they needed.

I understood your advice about condensing the town and in the next chapter deliberately agreed that the ferris wheel nearly scraped the roof, good call there. Also the museum in the next chapter is at the end of one alley built into the wall, I’ll have many more chances to scale the city down too. Thank you for that.

Ahhh, Bucky! I really took your idea and ran with it. Bucky’s gonna have a lot more fun and funny moments throughout the story and series. One particular idea centers around Mole and Bucky arguing...
I wanted to put restrictors on the FunBuck for two reasons; 1: I felt it showed the difference between the adult version and Crow’s version, and 2: I have a scene planned later where Deadwood will sit down to fix Crow’s FunBuck and then they’ll have a heart to heart.

Crow and Deadwood have a special relationship. They’ve been through a lot. They’ve survived a lot. They’ve argued a lot; or rather, Crow argued and Deadwood did what Deadwood does: agrees and disagrees.

Thanks again for the nits, dude! Should be all fixed now!

So first of all... FIRST COMMENT! HA! I haven't been reading anything the last 2 weeks since I am getting comfortable in my new apartment, and moving takes a surprising amount of time and energy, but today is a Saturday of relaxation, so time for a chapter and a comment.

"I attempted to write a reply to him, with Mole and Bucky both trying to give me instructions on how to do so since the machine did not have a keypad. Instead, the task involved twiddling knobs and pressing buttons until I got the right letter."

Fun fact, that was actually the way that I thought that a pony keyboard would work. Have two big hoof sized dials on a plate in front of you, and twist and turn them until the the dial are on the right letter, then press down and voila, you have typing.

"Forty-four." If you make an ellipse afterwards would it seem like the countdown continiues. Yes it is a really minor nitpick.
"The Goddesses were visions of beauty no matter what the adorned" They?
" go sit on the horn and spin until he’d gotten is rocks off?" his
"they’re dicks in an almost-impenetrable metal casing." Perfect place for a condom joke
"When the screaming horse fell forward again, Miss" delete
"bullets bit at the flag as Elm waved it" Remember your capital letters
"Where Moist had been stood," delete

Remember what it was like trying to write on an old Nokia phone? Imagine that but on an Etch-a-sketch. Stable-Tec; built to infuriate.

Consistency is key, and while it is pretty normal for chapters to sway in length are your newest chapter almost 50% longer than your last one, and almost 100% longer than your first real one. I know that with time do one want to grow the story, make it bigger, more exciting, include something epic and what not, but less is sometimes more, and too many words can lead to bloat, and too much bloat can kill even the best stories. I mean even fans of PH groan about the length towards the end of it for Celestias sake.

By the way, FIRST!

Calling it before anyone else, Gypsy is preggers and that will put a giant wedge between the 3 clover.

". My mind was too busy running over the visions of ponies melted in to green paste" One word
"who back then was just another strange kid who’d approached me.." double period
" I might have been missing my armor and my shoulder might have been more religious than the rest of me, " I think you have a wrong word here.
"He nodded with a fearful squeak and his friends shift away from us as I gave a last" should be in past tense.


That’s great advice Doomy, thanks <3 I agree too, in the beginning of writing this I wanted to prove myself as a writer and I am surprising myself with how much I am writing.

What you might find is that the chapters stick to a similar length now but my plan is to follow the 8 step wheel of story telling;
1; character is in a zone of comfort
2; but they need something
3; they leave the zone of comfort
4; they adapt to it
5; get what they want
6; pay a heavy price for it
7; then return to comfort
8; having changed.

I was focused on length but now it is more important to follow a natural story for each entry. As long as there’s a beginning, a middle and an end, without too many darlings to kill, I should be happy, I just hope my readers will be equally as happy.

The next chapter is likely to be shorter, it’s an easier chapter to write than this one was, it’ll be a bit quieter but with a bit of fun. Mole’s back :3

As always, I appreciate your comments and critique, my friend :3

I’m not crying! That’s just, uh, my allergies...

Elmwood picked one hell of a time to show up, I really do want to see more of him and learn about his story.

Also, an FoE fic that updates on a regular basis? That’s not something you see everyday. Seriously, do you have any advise on writing/scheduling for someone who would like to write something of their own someday but can never find time?

I have been loving this story and all of your characters so far, and as always look forward to the next chapter!

Elmwood features in the next chapter for the majority of it, but he has a lot of story to tell. He’s older than you think....

X3 oh! So! Advice!
My advice, or what I can tell you I do, is write on whatever I can, whenever I can. A notepad, your phone, scrap paper. Don’t worry about writing anything perfect to begin with, you just want to belch all the ideas you have onto paper. Doesn’t even have to be in order. Then type it up in your free time and use that opportunity to ‘beautify’ it.

Some advice for writers who are also gamers; Use that achievement hunting on your stories, you can clock up words, chapters, beat targets such as 100k, more words than Philopher’s Stone/ Ect, and even set goals in your story too; kicked the ass of the first boss or achieved love’s first kiss or first actual belly laugh.

I’m glad you’re enjoying the story as much as I a enjoying writing it. We’re only just through the looking glass now, so hopefully you continue to enjoy.

All good things,

Interesting, I like the style, and a griffon lead. This seems interesting. Why is it T-Thirty not Thirty?

There’s two reasons; the first is that there already existed a Stable Thirty when I did my research. The second is that the T stands for something. The Stable seem to think it stands for Town. They’re wrong...

Thanks for the comments! I am glad the story interests you and that you’re happy to ask questions about it! :rainbowkiss:

Chapter 11 is available, chapter 12 is with the editor, chapter 13 is a song and chapter 14 is being written as we speak :3 thank you

In addition; chapters 15-20 are already planned out. Chapter 20 is going to be a heartbreaking moment.

300 views! Awesome, thank you everyone :D

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