Luna vs. a Vending Machine

by nyxOs

Luna vs. a Vending Machine

With gleeful high-steps, Luna pranced up to the tall, rectangular machine. Past a brightly-lit glass pane which reflected the alicorn’s ethereal mane and equally starry eyes were rows upon rows of gaily-wrapped confections. Most were sheathed in bright colors, plastered with tempting illustrations of their respective contents. The case itself hummed quietly, the only source of light aside from the pale moon which peered into the dark hallway through the skylights above.

When the princesses had switched shifts, Celestia had regaled to Luna this wondrous new contraption which had only just been installed that morning, known as a “vending machine.” Capable of dispensing a wide variety of different treats upon the payment of a bit or two, the wondrous feat of engineering was something few ponies in Canterlot, let alone Equestria, had yet experienced.

Luna's eager attention was constantly snapping to and fro between the potential foodstuffs propped up on display. A few familiar varieties of sweetmeats stuck out, including KlipKlop, Mares Bars, Whickers, and 3 Mustangs. There were chocolate and vanilla snack cakes, muffins of half a dozen varieties, sour candies and packages of fruit-flavored gum all snugly fit into shiny metal coils. Everything looked appetizing, and Luna was so famished that she’d gladly try anything available. As her stomach growled expectantly, her salivary glands galvanized when she settled her attention upon a bag of barbequed Frito-neigh chips.

“The chips of barbeque sound wondrous!” she chirped. Indeed, she hadn’t tasted that crispy, smoky tang in what felt like ages; the moon had been particularly devoid of snacks.

Within her field of cobalt telekinesis floated a single bit, which she maneuvered into a slot on the front of the machine. With a clink and a clunk, the coin rolled into the vending machine's clutches and a small magically-lit display above the slot requested that a selection be made.

With a corner of her forehoof, Luna typed in the coordinates for the Frito-neighs into the keypad below. The moment she had entered the last digit there was a low whirr and the coil around the chip’s bag began to rotate. Her snack was inbound!

The Princess of the Night let out a delighted whinny and stomped her hoof twice on the floor in praise. Such an ingenious invention; this machine was easy to use, affordable, held an entire banquet’s worth of junk food, and was a marvel of pony ingenuity. Why, after her stomach was settled, she might have to buy anoth-

Thump!

Luna had opened her eyes expecting to see the bag at the bottom of the case, but was surprised to instead find it spanning the gap between coil and glass, wedged in place. After blinking a few times, Luna patiently waited.

Several minutes passed, in fact, before it dawned on her that this might not be a part of an ordinary exchange. Mayhaps, inconceivably, something inside had gone awry.

Now observing the stranded chip bag from every angle her head could orbit it from, Luna concluded with certainty that this was abnormal. It might be due to how inflated the package appeared to be compared to the other options, but surely those who had designed the vending machine would have accounted for this? Curious, Luna peeked around to survey the brand printed on the case's side. She did not recognize the logo which read, “Vim-Vam!” in baroque red, green, and white lettering, though the name's cadence sounded vaguely familiar.

Leaning in close, Luna muttered, “Render unto us thou spoils, varlet.” Her command had no effect beyond leaving a foggy cloud upon the glass. Raising her head, the princess frowned. “Alack! We had expected technology to have advanced past such facile sticklers during the millennia of our banishment!”

Her quandary came to an end as Luna considered the magic-filled horn at the top of her periphery; the bag shouldn’t need more than a gentle prod to come free. She lit her long horn and directed it at the Frito-neighs, but even in spite of her immense concentration found the task unachievable; it was almost as if there was a plate of magic-proof glass in her way.

“Fie! Thine inventors lacked the proper priorities!” With another light stomp of frustration, Luna gnawed on her upper lip and excogitated. Even if magic was out of the realm of possibility, there was good old-fashioned brute force and gravity for her to utilize. Placing a hoof on the corner of the vending machine, Luna gave a gentle push and felt the case rock back. She then pulled away and the machine slammed forward far louder than expected, sending the alicorn cringing as the wide swinging door at the base bounced back and forth and made a noisy racket.

The hour was just past midnight and Luna certainly didn’t wish to disturb anypony’s slumber; besides, physically assaulting a lowly vending machine was quite unbecoming of her royal stature. Straightening and clearing her throat, the princess looked up and down the hall while giving her mane a dignified shake. Nopony came to investigate the clamor, and she eventually relaxed her posture. She briefly attempted to reach a hoof inside to paw at the bag, but alas, pony legs were not capable of bending in the manner necessary for such a wangle.

By now Luna had recognized that there was another option at her disposal: by using a second bit, she could at once dislodge her first purchase and obtain a second bag of chips! The idea struck her as brilliant; or at least, it would have, had she another bit in her possession. As Luna did not wear pants, she had no pockets and thusly no location to securely traject pocket change.

She wandered back down the hallway and rounded the corner to arrive before a steely-faced Lunar Guard. The bat pony stallion stood rigidly at his post, golden eyes and thin pupils fixed straight ahead. Luna knew that his tall, fuzzy ears would have picked up every miniscule noise she’d generated while attempting to convince the vending machine to relinquish her goods.

Acting as if all was well, Luna smiled at the guard. “Prithee, compeer, we must requisition from thee a doit!”

The guard’s eyes crept a centimeter closer to meeting Luna’s. “What amount to you require, Princess?”

“A lone bit is the disbursement!”

With a twitch of his ear, the guard shifted slightly and replied, “I would fulfil your request, Princess Luna, had I the amount on my persons.”

Verily, the guard also forwent pants and likewise lacked coin-portaging pockets. His only raiments were his polished lavender helmet and breastplate, neither of which contained any pouches for storing.

“I am assigned to remain at my station until the third hour of morning. Upon my relief, I shall retrieve a coin for you.”

Luna couldn’t last three more hours! “We are too esurient. A specie is requested at once!”

The guard finally glanced at the princess, confused. “Are… are the royal kitchens not an option, milady?”

“Nay. Yon peccant vending machine hath already finagled our currency and refuses to provide its goods in kind; we shall not concede so readily.”

“Well, if one were to take my stead,” the bat pony began, “I could quickly return to my quarters for the bit...”

“ ‘Tis settled!” Luna yanked his spear from his grasp. “Hie, posthaste!”

The stallion wheeled around on his rear hooves and set out at a tantivy, his helmet nearly flying off. Once he reached the doors, Luna saw him spread his wings and launch into the air, zipping out of view.

Now left alone, Luna could do little more than stand in place with the spear clutched in her fetlock. The hallway was impressively still, manifestly purged of leering scapegraces and vermin by the ever-present guards. Captivated by the peacefulness, Luna stared deeply into the polished stone floor which gleamed with the moon’s light.

Just as boredom had driven her to imagine constellations defined by the floor's numerous faint hoof-scuffs, the Lunar Guard burst back inside, panting through teeth which were clamped upon a shiny bit. The coin was deposited at Luna's hooves before he gave a quivering bow.

“Gramercy, cully!” The princess returned his spear. The guard leaned upon it and sucked in deep breaths, his wings hanging loose in exhaustion, while he fixed his askew helmet.

Luna exuberantly bounced back around the corner to the vending machine, inserting the coin and watching as the second package of chips rumbled forwards. The first pouch twisted as the coil it leaned against spun, straightening and then coming loose. Luna followed the bag as it fell to the floor of the case with a gratifying thump, triumphantly crying, “Haha! We are vict...”

Something wasn't right. She'd only seen one bag of chips fall...

Slowly, dreadfully, Luna dragged her eyes back up.

The second bag was wedged between glass and coil, identical to the first: a wretched bridge of barbequed despair past which an endless parade of Frito-neighs stood ready to hurl their airy bodies against the glass.

Luna’s voice was weak as her head gently fell against the front of the machine.

“The debt has been doubled...”

Author's Note:

So this is my first attempt at writing a slice-of-life story, a story outside of Fallout: Equestria's universe, and a story focused around a character from the show! It was definitely a refreshing change of pace from Of Shadows(and a fun chance to use some great archaic words) and I'll definitely consider writing more short stories such as this if I find the proper inspiration.

This would've been published in mid-to-late April had I not originally planned to write an epilogue starring Celestia. Unfortunately, that part of the story never reached a level I was happy with, so it was eventually removed. Perhaps someday I'll revise it and extend this little story a bit...

Thank you for reading! Ratings, comments, and critiques are incredibly appreciated.

Also, Georg's comment below is definitely the canon epilogue

Comments

[Crono411]

The horse pun candy bars killed me. Great job!

[Georg]

"Twilight?"

Twilight Sparkle opened one sleepy eye and looked at Spike, who was standing out on the starlit balcony of her castle bedroom.  "Go to bed, Spike. It's the middle of the night."

"I think this is important."  The little dragon vanished into the darkness of the bedroom, emerging with a quill and sheet of parchment.  "In fact, I'm pretty sure you want to see this."

Giving a grunt, the Princess of Friendship dragged herself to the edge of the balcony and looked up where Spike was pointing.  After a certain period of soundless contemplation, she blinked, then pinched herself on one foreleg. "Spike," she said in a low voice.  "I need you to take a letter."

"Dear Princess Celestia," said Spike, starting to write.

"Dear Princess Celestia," said Twilight, still looking up into the night sky.  "I don't remember any prophecy about a vending machine getting banished to the moon."

[Jade Dawn]

This kind of reminds me of the opening scene of Progress, except Luna is having trouble with a vending machine instead of a toaster.

Nice job! Have a like!

[CCC]

That's an impressive selection of archaic vocabulary.

[Snowliasion]

I remember Progress fondly. And is was a Microwave, Jade.

[Stellar_]

I like this

[BradyBunch]

8912624
Ohohoho my gosh! This was almost as funny as the fic itself! Made my day.

[nyxOs]

8912624
This absolutely made my day!

[LunaFan183]

👍

[Hivemind]

Noice~

[Silver Scrolls]

8912627
The story was adorable, I've had Luna's problem many a time. This though sold it for me. I was more picturing Celestia at some point deciding to use it simply for the novelty only to come up on a repair crew rebuilding the area where once stood the fancy new vending machine but I like your idea better

[HavingaGENUNEPANICATTACK]

Please oh please more of this.

[Magnus Orion]

This is amazing. Definitely one of the best things I’ve read, ever. Including LotR.

[Protected-ed]

good ting

[Grey Bard]

Been there, done that, cursed machine!!!

[nyxOs]

8913577
That's... very high praise!

[Greed and Giving]

Please make more like this please.

[Magnus Orion]

8913660
And well-deserved praise, might I add.

[Alondro]

Be like Bull from "Night Court".

Punch a hole in the vending machine and take your chips.

I can't remember which episode that was from... but I recall it was because Bull was exceedingly tired for some reason.

[Lordvessel]

Great. Now I want barbeque chips.

[nyxOs]

8914056
Sorry; I wrote this while hungry.

...Afterwards, I downed an entire can of barbeque Pringles.

[AetherToast]

Freaking vending machines. Never reliable.

[Lordvessel]

8914079
I know the feeling. I had to stop buying Pizza pringles altogether. They'd be gone within the day i bought them.

[meerkat8472]

Really? C'mon, Luna can turn into smoke. She could have have just floated a tendril of her smoke through the door at the bottom and grabbed the chips. Simple really. I did enjoy the dialogue though.

[Raccoon Writer]

...and she didn't stab the spear through the machine because?

[Orca19904]

Someone needs to do an audio adaptation of this, immediately. Scribbler, Emogak, I'm looking at you, ladies.

[zetasquadron94]

This happened to me the other night. The third chip bag didn't work. It got lodged in a bag of pretzels, and the machine was too heavy for three of us to move. Finally got someone who was hungry for pretzels to help, though.

[Nova Twinkle]

And the next morning only a smoldering crater could be found at where the vending machine was.

[Nova Twinkle]

8914272
Luna reached in and got stuck there because of the magic-proof glass. A simple sequel, really.

[PonyDragon]

It might be due to how inflated the package appeared to be compared to the other options, but surely those who had engineered the vending machine would have accounted for this?

[shaithis1]

Some of these words sound made up...

[Zaten the Changeling]

Next: Celestia vs. a faulty ATM!

[Mr Swanky Hat]

Screw that cheap vending machine, she should use scp 294

[Soul Shine]

8915384
Luna's old English? How so? I don't assume you mean anything else, but a good portion of my reading material is written in old English, and I've been told it sounds ridiculous or confusing.

I, on the other hand, fail to see the confusion in the old dialect, but maybe that's just me

I'm curious, however, as to what exactly sounds made-up. Though mayst provide an example unto thee, mine lief? :3
OLD ENGLISH LIKE A BAWS!!! XD

[PixelMoon]

Lovely. Just lovely! The grammar is more than decent; which is hard to come by nowadays. The idea of this story is wonderful, and the execution is fabulous!

Four point five stars, but only because I feel that Royalty wouldn't ask a guard - who could be poor for all she knows - for a bit. But it is only one, so that is why it is 4.5 and not 4 stars (out of five).

[Dan]

8915913
You'd best be joking. Calling http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FloweryElizabethanEnglish/YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe "Old English" is a cardinal sin among English Majors. Hell, there are two reasons people get into real Old English. One is Tolkien fandom, the other is to be able to properly cuss out people at RenFaires when they do it.

[flippyinvader]

8914079
hunger sure messes with you dont it

[Goomgus]

Great story, but I would elaborate on the ending.

[Raccoon Writer]

There Comes A Time in every Pony's life when they have to do the unthinkable, this is an example of one of those times.

[Aurora Dimmet]

While Luna is not best pone, it HAS been ages since I've seen a proper "Luna vs. Modern Technology/Life" story. Not since the early days of the fandom when we loved that little blue Fluttershy moonhorse. Before the NLR rose to any sort of power. The good days.

[nyxOs]

8917925
Pistols At Dawn was a good recent one.

[titanhades70]

8912624
I can't believe how many people actually get this wrong. The Princesses themselves can't banish anything or anypony to the moon. That's entirely a Elements of Harmony thing.

[The Devious Writer]

8918468
Nightmare Moon banished Celestia to the moon in Cutie Re-Mark. Celestia used the Elements but NMM certainly didn’t.

[Gavier]

This Luna vs [CARDNAME] stories are the best

[titanhades70]

8918713
I don't count NMM because Luna just seemed unnaturally powerful there. I'm convinced there was some dark presence behind it.

[ChaseIsOnTheCase]

Amazing. Loved how you included the Lunar Guard (or as a like to call them, the “Nightmare Guard”).

[fanreader999999]

Close to home

[The Devious Writer]

8919295
Yes, personally believe its the standard case of 'magic based on emotions is stronger', and Nightmare Moon is a master of dark magic with all her resentment.

[Berry Delight]

KlipKlop, Mares Bars, Whickers, and 3 Mustangs.

a bag of barbequed Frito-neigh chips.

You are a master at ponifying puns!
This was great, even though i could only understand about half of the words...

[nyxOs]

8921054
Thank you!!