• Member Since 22nd Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Lazy Coyote


Note to self: Stop trying to write late at night, all those ideas turn out stupid. Then again... It seems to be working so far.

T
Source

The My Little Pony universe wasn't Jack's first choice for being reborn, he didn't know all too much about it, but beggars can't be choosers. Plus it wasn't all bad, he even had magic since he'd been reborn as a unicorn!

Only, there was something he hadn't noticed, something big, but for the life of him he couldn't put his finger on it.

At least until his first day of school.



Edit 2018 Sep 27: How the *Squee!* is this Featured!? Thank You all so much! But how!?

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 445 )

You have a good start but the question is, "Will it be an original story or will it be an over glorified retcon?"

...what was the reference? The path of magic one?

9192796
Probably retcon, judging by the setup

Your writing is quite good. I shall follow this.

While not a parent while babysitting a cousin he entered an episode and i was just told to hold him and call the hospital.

9192799
That would be Gildarts from Fairy Tail.

9192796
Er... bit of both? Bit of both. No new villains or anything, but I have some ideas about how to spice things up. Not gonna go into specifics because spoilers.

Blood for the blood god, Milk for the Khorne flakes. "It's called Haste ." He saw her nod, taking a closer look at the mannequin.

I was sitting next to my dog and he jump when i lost it reading that

Huh, this is certainly taking a different path from what I usually see from SI stories.

I think what I enjoy the most from the first chapter is the growing horror of the SI as he realizes just what is going on. Its a slow building thing at the end but one of the most enjoyable parts of the chapter as what is going on dawns on him. It adds that sense of dimension to him rather than going with the flow.

I hope to see more of this story in the future!

I hope we're spared from all the terrible futures that Starlight caused!
...except the nightmare moon one...she can stay... ¬_¬

I thought the previous chapter showed promise. I liked it, as short as it was, and was curious about where the story would go.

This chapter lost me.

It started off good with the human being a kid, even when it turned out he was just putting on a show to not stand out as too odd. I even liked him going to Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. As much as I like Ponyville, that was a nice change of pace. But I think the moment you started losing me was about this line:

... that would have to be one of the spells he'd made himself, and it would have been easy to cast the most powerful spell he had, but to pick out the most advanced...

Because of course he made his own spells.

I can accept the fact that he's "'Freakishly Good' at magic" as you say, but I can't accept the idea of him having made his own spells when he's a kid. Especially because this is the first chapter; the one where we're introduced to him. If it was later in the story and we got to see him go through the process of creating his own spell, I could accept it, but this was too much.

But it doesn't end there.

He stared at it in confusion for a bit, wondering what happened to the dragon egg test that Twilight had used in the show,

So the human in this story (which, by the way, you left the Human tag out of this story; you may want to apply it) has watched MLP and is aware of their world. This can be done correctly. I have seen it be done well. But a lot of the times, I don't see the point. I think that this would have worked better if it was just a human reborn as a foal. Heck, you didn't even have to mention that he's human! You just had to focus on the fact that he's an adult who has been reborn as a unicorn colt.

But back to the awareness of MLP, I don't see why it's important for him to know about the show. Maybe you have a reason, but I'm basing my criticism off of the two chapters I have right now.

Also, this is the first time we're hearing that the human has knowledge of MLP, and the first time we heard that he was originally a human was 5 paragraphs prior. Both just come out of nowhere. Even if you read the description - which you shouldn't have to do; the description should be there to entice you to the story, not explain it - there's nothing saying that he has knowledge of MLP and only allusions that he's human, including no Human tag (again, put that on).

The spells he'd made were all ripped off from video games or anime,

This was hard for me to describe, but essentially, I didn't like how bluntly you put the reference in. I guess I don't like when people reference specific franchises by name, like how you name Final Fantasy to try to copy one of their spells.

It didn't look like Spike, it was Spike. Same colors, same everything,

Now this one, to be fair, may just be down to me. I don't think I'm going to enjoy this type of storyline. Maybe I would enjoy it, but there are still the previous problems preventing me from getting into this one.

I do hope that everyone who decided to track this enjoys it because it has potential. There are ways I think this story could be done well and I think you're a decent writer, and I hope this story ends up good. However, from these two chapters I've read, the story has a few problems and it has lost me.

Sorry about that. Good luck, and have a nice day!

Interesting start. You definitely have my attention.

Only have one person speaking in a paragraph at a time. That is all

9192954
I watched like, 155 or so, and I don't remember something like this. But then again, 155 episodes is a lot, and it's been a few years.

9195653
Considering I've never taken any class on writing and all I know is what I've extrapolated from reading what must be thousands of fanfics at this point, I will take your genuine criticism as what it is, and the fact that you pointed out so few problems as a massive complement.

Oh, and fun fact: He hasn't seen hardly any of the show, but his friend has and often shoved it in his face and said "Watch." So he gave in and watched the first two episodes, then never watched it again and just kinda... nodded along when his friend talked about it.

Your magic technobabble is great.

Wow the cover is surprisingly relevant.

9195795

I wouldn't take the criticism too hard. What you have posted so far isn't bad at all for a very new writer. Writing is a skill, like painting or playing an instrument. No one starts off a master. It takes practice. Writers get better by writing and practice.

While he has a point about the spell creation issue, I think he is being a bit nit picky about the MLP knowledge.

Keep writing this story and try a few short stand alone stories. Slice of life stories can be fun and entertaining. They cam also be short. But most of all, have fun with it.

Fun fact: Mark Twain, is a classic american Author that is widely considered a literary giant. He is responsible for several fantastic stories that are required reading in schools. However, he is also well known for writing the worst crap to ever came out of a typewriter. While his gems made him a giant, the majority of his work was horrendous.

The Monk

The Monk

9195795
You're doing pretty well for your first time, though every thing he said was valid. Don't sit on your laurels and get better! Admittedly, I quite reading for pretty much the same reason he did, but different strokes for different folks n all that.

...he'd been reborn as a unicorn!

...but for the life of him he couldn't put his finger on it.

Huh, I wonder why...

As cool as it probably looked, the reason why it looked like that was because of the horrible efficiency of the spell. He was barely getting a tenth of the magic internalized, if that.

inefficiency, not efficiency.

Comment posted by Coretz deleted Sep 27th, 2018

9195795
Thank you! It's great that you're willing to take my criticism so well. I did write it because I want to enjoy this, but those problems I pointed out got in the way. As I said, I hope this gets better because I do think you're a decent writer and I think this idea has potential.

It is reassuring to know that he (probably) won't be making many references to the show, but I have to ask, if he's only seen the first two episodes then how did he know about Twilight's exam?

And please, give the story a Human tag.

Eight? So...Sunset is also thrown into the mix? At least it seems like foreshadowing that there is one additional character to him and the Mane 6. I am interested in what exactly you have planned, so I will eagerly await the next chapter. :pinkiesmile:

You know, I don't think I've ever seen this angle done before. I'm really curious where this story's gonna go. Thumbs-up and Tracking!

It could've happened before the show, too. There's not any mention of a date in the story so far.

Otherwise, I'll track it. Has potential, let's see how you realise it.

Hmm. Interesting. Gonna track for now. Have a like.

Hmm. You have peeked my interest with this story. Continue. :moustache:

Hmm... yup! Following this now! You drew me in with Marvin the Martian, and hooked me with... not sure exactley but ya hooked me. Heheh, can’t wait for more!

That looks kinda like blue bloods mark.

9196254
The same reason I know about Daleks and Time Lord regeneration and the Hybrid and every other thing about Doctor Who, I have a friend who just Wont! Shut! Up! about it!

Edit: Sorry, got a bit heated there.

Great story, can't wait for more, everything fits together nicely. And it sounds like he had far more then what twilight used just no way to direct it like she did. She did cast a bunch of random spells but their effects seemed sort lived.

9196723
Nah, it's fine. It just seems like a specific detail he might not have gotten without having seen the show, is all.

Thank you for tagging the story and good luck with it!

"This isn't so bad, in a few years the connections would fade and everything would go back to normal, except this has ruined his neural flexibility." That... didn't sound too bad, and Dawn told the doctor as much. "Let me put it this way..."
"Take an adult pony, and show them a tennis racket, they will see a tennis racket, and that's it, because that is what it is. But take a younger pony and, say, show them a broomstick? They'll see it as a sword, a spear, and a broom. To put it simply, he's lost both quite a bit of neural creativity, and he's going to be learning things at an abysmal rate compared to his peers. Don't worry though, he should be just fine."

That's sorta right, the brain can become more flexible with training and time and while in an environment like his it would make sense that the brain would become more flexible.

But even then this might be a good thing for his learning a study showed:

Vinod Menon is a neuroscientist at Stanford University in California. In 2015, he scanned the brains of children who have difficulty learning math. And his team turned up unexpected brain connectivity in them. Compared to kids without these problems, the math-challenged kids had more neural connections. This showed up particularly within regions of their brains involved in solving math problems.

That overconnectivity was a surprise, Menon says.

Earlier work had suggested that the math-related networks were too weak to process information well. But the new data suggest an alternative explanation. Too many links may create a system that can't handle too much new information. In the end, he says, the result may be that “it’s not going to be as responsive.” His team described its findings in Developmental Science.

https://www.sciencenewsforstudents.org/article/brains-may-need-flexible-networks-learn-well
So it's entirely possible that he might actually learn better than most children as long as he has just enough mental flexibility.
I should note here that the study showed the connection between the flexible network and connectivity so while it only mentioned the connections there flexibility was also affected.

Celestia is not a god. Please don't do that whole mess.

He stared at it in confusion for a bit, wondering what happened to the dragon egg test that Twilight had used in the show, was he before when they got the egg or after she had hatched Spike? Questions for later.

I assume Celestia arranged that test herself, I mean otherwise, that would be the most dangerous entrance test ever, I mean:
"Here little Timmy just shoot some magic at this baby dragon we found, and remember if it breaks the dragons will declare war for killing there unborn in a stupid test."

NOTE: Nevermind you sorta covered that with Celestia being the one to go get the egg but I still stand it was a terrible idea but if what you said about "no good gods" was right this could all be part of her plan to have spike grow up with ponies and one day become dragonlord so that Celestia can indirectly control them too.

A magic looking symbol, some sort of rune made out of an eight-pointed star inside of another eight-point star, but the most important part was what it represented.

Going by the mark I guess he will have a lot of spells that require a medium to cast like a spell circle drawn on a piece of paper or a medallion with something inscribed on it. Which I would like they show a lot of enchanted items in the show but never go into them in much detail so a character who makes, things like that could be interesting.

Lastly, I have soma advice, about spike... MAKE HIM BADASS, without twilight's much more subdued(violence wise any way) nature he would learn to be a bit more destructive and with a human who obviously likes combat spells helping raise him he will probably be a bit more, rough and tumble which mixed with a few combats oriented gadgets from Silver Spark could make an interesting character. Plus if you read the comics you know he can fight surprisingly well so this would just add to that.
Remember if this is cannon
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/509/657/8a4.jpg
THIS is only a step away
img00.deviantart.net/23d9/i/2012/017/9/9/spike_by_equestria_prevails-d4mnb12.png

9197398
Ahem, can move the sun, can fire literal deathblasts from her horn, has massive amounts of magic only rivaled by an overfeeding bug that has been draining magic for weeks if not MONTHS, can only be killed, won't die of natural causes SUB: Even THEN we have no proof that she CAN die.

So, at the VERY least. VERY VERY VERY LEAST. We can give her the title of demigod. AT LEAST. Zeus, a GREEK god, is comparable to Celestia. they are both 'immortal' even though they have stories where they can be killed. They both have massive amounts of power, control over some element, and rule over a species eerily similar to them in shape. And last but not least, they both can make others like them. Or at the very least in Zeus' case, other gods have the power to. SEE! Even what you would consider a "god" doesn't have the same amount of power as Celestia. So nyaaaa

9197398
How dare you doubt the holy power of Celestia she shall burn you with holy fire and then bake you cupcakes because she's just that good

9197398
she is by definition a god

God
ɡäd/

noun

  1. (in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.
    synonyms:the Lord, the Almighty, the Creator, the Maker, the Godhead; More
  2. (in other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshiped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity.
    "a moon god"
    synonyms:deity, goddess, divine being, celestial being, divinity, immortal, avatar
    "sacrifices to appease the gods"

you don't even need to be immortal to be classified as a god, some Norse gods died from stupid things like a single thorn.

It was a family of a Blue Coated, Silver Maned unicorn, and a Blue Coated, Yellow Maned Pegasus, Dawn Bolt and Cobalt Breeze respectively, that drew our attention...

This is the second paragraph.

The second.

I’m two paragraphs in and this is what I see.

🤔

Hey sorry for the deleted post thing on ur main acc, I felt it better to post this here,
I almost passed this story up without giving it a chance because of the cover art, so here is a small gift from me, Cannot wait for more chapters
i.imgur.com/Y6hA32I.png

9197716
You have no idea how much this means to me, really. Thank you so much, I'll put it up right away!

Edit: I'm actually crying now. Thank you.

I have been stalking and reading on this site lost silent for ageeeees and read the vast majority of the most popular stories. And yours has me got me as excited as the first couple chapters of the Martian made me. I am intrigued and anxiously waiting more.

9197819
Your welcome, And im glad to help in any way ;)

Great start, but I have one question about the visual end of his Haste cast: I don’t know a whole lot about light waves, but if the light is going faster wouldn’t it just get more intense blue? I.e. more light in the same space? Or failing that, if speeding up visible light is increasing its frequency, wouldn’t it shift more towards violet instead of red, since red is the low frequency of the light spectrum and violet the high?

9195166
If you think about it, every alternate timeline created in that episode never had a sonic rain boom, but to get to, say, the Tirek timeline somepony had to stop all the threats up to that point.

Only two chapters and i'm already very interested , Please keep up the good work.

*Looks at backside and realizes when exactly he is*
God dammit. I don't want to be the damn hero here.

He most definitely did not scream when he felt two hooves grab him, and he couldn't have blushed in embarrassment when his parents laughed, it just wasn't possible.

Obviously :trollestia:

He'd been stuck in a house with nothing to do and a key to almightly power stuck on his forehead, and all he had to do to figure out how to use it was read some books and figure out how it worked.

The human mind was not built to be tempted on such a level.

No, no it's most definitely not :pinkiecrazy:

He forcefully reminded himself that as nice as Celestia was, and how caring she seemed, she was still a God, and there are no good Gods, history and fiction had both taught him that much.

Ahhh, but it's not about what others think she is, but rather what she thinks she is :twilightsmile:

"Now, young Silver Spark, I would like to see if you can't use your magic to hatch this egg, don't worry about failing, this has been here for quite a while, and has laid untouched for nearly a year. It can go back in storage, dragon eggs last quite a long time you see." It... was probably him just making connections where there weren't any, it probably wasn't Spike's egg after all, but if it wasn't, then when exactly did Twilight hatch him?

She was supposed to do it a year ago from the sound of it :moustache:

"Silver Spark... how would you like to become my own personal student?"

Dangit Starlight, this is what happens when you mess with the timeline :facehoof:

Hmmm... I'm confused.
So this story is called "Something Missing", and it's called that because the main character's been put into a unicorn's body and realizes he's missing something, but he doesn't know what it is... until...? And that's what the summary is in a nutshell. But the chapters themselves weave a different tale. The first chapter has our main character getting wedged inside a foal's head which could lead to developmental problems further down the line (which doesn't seem to be a factor in the slightest, here). Then the second chapter is him telling the audience that he's used his awesome human mind to figure out how to master spells and make his own (one of which is Haste, one of "the best spells in the Final Fantasy series", though I'd argue that Ultima or Quick [FFVI] are better), and then... he does the test, but steals Twilight's egg using an anime reference (one I don't get because I'm a filthy casual) because he took the test before she did, which either means he's going to supplant Twilight's role in the show, or he's retconned the Mane 6's relevancy in its entirety (which would mean this is an alt universe story regardless of what it's tagged).

So I don't know what to think. This could be a laughably dumb fanfiction, but it's too soon to say for sure. So... I guess I'll stick around and find out?

9195728
I reiterate this.
When multiple people talk in one paragraph, it becomes hard to distinguish who is saying what.

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