Dysphoric
“Damn it...”
Sunset Shimmer tossed her cell phone onto the bed and frustratedly ran her hands through her hair. She glared at the stranger standing in front of her and heaved a heavy sigh.
The nude human female glared back at her, mimicking her. Through the glass of the mirror it taunted her with its existence, with being as wrong as it was. Wrong it may have been, however, it was still the truth.
She was human.
Sunset let her mane- her hair- fall back down in a cascade around her shoulders, which slumped in defeat. A river of red and yellow slid over her goldenrod skin like molten magma over a lake of liquid gold. Except there wasn’t the luster of precious metal at all, but rather a fleshy hairless mass of skin.
Her eyes wandered to take in this foreign, alien landscape. This simian primate was all wrong. The teats were the wrong shape and in the wrong spot, the navel was shaped wrong and was inside out from what it should have been, the bones all bent the wrong way, the face was too flat... and all of the hair was gone.
The mare turned away from the mirror and took the three steps towards her messed-up bed and flopped directly facedown into it, hands firmly at her hips. She felt the mattress springs bounce up and down as they appropriated her weight evenly, until they fell still. A long, drawn-out “uuuggghhh” broke the silence of the loft apartment, mostly drowned out by the rumpled blanket.
Once the expression of disgust had appropriately passed, Sunset turned her body over to face the vaulted ceiling. There wasn't much in the way of decoration as it was higher than she was tall, and unfortunately in this world she did not possess the power of telekinesis. Sunset brought her palms to her eyes and pressed in, as if she could crush the wetness back into her tear ducts.
Magic wasn't the only thing from home she missed.
She sat up, upper body perpendicular to the floor. She snaked a hand over to her phone and clicked the side button. 12:36 am, it read. 12:37 am. She sighed and swiped it open, watching as the screen changed to a picture of her and her closest friends. It was a selfie of the group that Pinkie had taken.
A quarter of Pinkie’s ever-smiling face obscured one corner of the photo. Applejack and Rainbow were playing video games and seemed to be competing very loudly in the heat of the moment, Rarity and Fluttershy were in a braid train ending with Winona, and Sunset herself was being cuddled by a drunken Twilight.
She felt herself smile a bit at the good memories she had in this world. They almost made it worth it to stay in the world and in this form for eternity, cursed to walk as a human and not as a pony, cursed by the rapacity and conceit of her past. Almost.
Sunset tapped over to the camera app again and put it in position. The selfie camera showed the young woman, and she began to pose. She wrapped her free hand behind her neck and raised her elbow in the air, and leaned her chin up and to the side, attempting to give sultry eyes to the lens. After a moment of this she rolled her eyes and returned to the previous position.
“Yeah, right...” she muttered. “I look so effing dumb.”
She leaned back down onto the bed and turned the camera sideways so it was in landscape mode. She turned her body so the full front faced the camera, and started twisting and adjusting so that she was able to fit everything on screen. After a moment of this she started turning her head back and forth, analyzing all of the different angles.
She sighed again. “Maybe in the daylight,” she mused to herself. “That angle would look good with better lighting...”
This was a lie, of course. No matter what, it was always the same. Sunset hated her body. No matter what angle she saw it from, it would bring nothing but heartache and misery. It wasn't right. It was not the proper shape, or size, or proportion, or texture. Even the color was a little bit off because skin and fur reflected light differently.
It was... ugly.
She went back to the home screen before turning it to black. She took a few deep breaths and then set the phone on the nightstand before plugging it in to charge. She laid back down, spread eagle, staring at the ceiling as if it would suddenly spell out the answer to her problem. She bounced one foot over the edge.
Sunset slowly brought her hands in front of her face. She flexed her fingers, furrowing her brow at the digits. They were unnecessary. Magic could do anything that hands could do, but better and faster. The best these could do was link fingers together to trigger a chemical reaction in the brain which stimulates the pleasure center. That was at least what she read in psychology textbooks, the one thing she found were better in this world.
And sometimes one could apply paint to the scales at the end and they looked really pretty, especially when they were shaved and filed in a certain way, to make them look sharp or heart shaped or whatever. But one could do that to their hooves too, if they really wanted to. And Sunset was one who really wanted to.
She had left her home world a handful of years ago at a somewhat young age for ponies, and had then never the time to worry about things like getting her hooves done. It was one of the many, many missed luxuries she missed about her old body, her real body. Her vision began to cloud.
“No,” she murmured. “Not tonight, you don't.” She leaned forward and looked at her legs, hoping they would distract her from the oncoming despair. Their foreign nature had always perplexed her when she was new to this world. Walking on two legs instead of four was not an easy feat to learn, let alone to master. Which gave her an idea.
“This is dumb...” she whispered as she pulled herself off of the bed. With a quick glance around the empty room, she took a deep cleansing inhale, and bent down to her knees. This was a much better bodily proportion to see the world from, a lot more familiar. The ground wasn't so far away that she had to push her equilibrium to adjust from how she had grown up. The familiarity was purifying.
Until she looked at the mirror. For a brief moment her mind passed through all of the horrible rumors that had spread about her when she had recently begun to try to redeem herself. Sure, she had tried to enslave and/or murder everyone on the school out of a power-hungry desire for interdimensional revenge conquest, but... well, there's no but. She sighed again.
“This is so stupid...”
She leaned forward and placed her balled fists on the ground, arching her back to accommodate to the human body’s reluctance to adopt such a position. This offered some semblance of comfort, but it just... wasn't good enough.
For starters, there was still all of the dead weight on her leg. Since it was so much longer compared to the rest of her body now, she had to drag the entirety of the knee down. Not that her feet felt any closer to hooves than her knees, but it was just another nitpick, just another marble in the jar.
Beyond that, without a tail or even any fur that covers anything important, she instinctively pulled her thighs together. Her posterior and genitals were exposed entirely to the elements. Ordinarily she didn't care too much about clothing, considering that as a pony it was optional, and nothing more than a status symbol, but with humans it's mandatory. Their naked is so much more naked than equine nudity. It would be even worse if her legs were fully extended.
Another issue that narrowed Sunset’s eyes were her breasts. Not only were they so high up on her chest, and so large, and so sensitive, that she couldn't sleep facedown. Excluding the fact that humans thought they were sex organs (despite the fact that their sole biological purpose was to feed foals- children) and therefore had to be covered up (a fact that almost landed her in a lot of trouble when she was new to the world), they were just so clunky and weird shaped. And in this position, gravity only made them look even more strange.
Still, despite all of these qualms, her fists felt somewhat like the hooves she so desperately missed, and the comfortable familiarity of the position lessened her discomfort. She took a few moments to breathe before she approached the mirror.
For a brief moment, the image distorted and she saw her true self in her mind’s eye. She smiled, and her reflection smiled back. She reached out a hoof to meet herself, and made contact. Then after too short of a time, the image snapped back to reality, and she found herself fist bumping an awkward-looking teenage girl.
She glanced between the sad eyes and the fist-hooves and the hair that obeyed gravity far too much and the other body parts that followed the same suit and back to her eyes again. She gave a feeble half-smile, but there was no luck on making them look any different. She sighed again.
Sunset pawed at the floor, scraping her knuckles on the hard wood. For just a moment she contemplated going outside to feel the grass on her body as she used to many years ago as a filly in between studying. She remembered sunbathing in the park after her successful projects got the high marks they so rightly deserved. And being rude to Twinkleshine and the other girls as if she was above them.
She screwed her eyes shut and shook her head back and forth, clearing the unpleasant memories. “Not tonight, please...” she looked back up to her reflection and silently repeated her plea. Her body luckily obeyed her for the first time.
Sunset remembered when she first experienced menstruation. After the first instance of “OH NO I’M DYING” she managed to calm down and at least make sure if it was some horrible thing that happened to these creatures, something that was somehow worse than estrous. But she did remember three weeks later trying to demand that her body not repeat the bleeding. It didn't listen.
That was just another reason out of the hundreds she could compile of why she did not want to be in this body.
She turned her body to the side, trying to imagine the fur. Sure, she had what was on her head, and a little bit on her arms and legs, and a small patch over her pubic area, but all in all there was not nearly enough. Her first winter was horrible. She actually envied some of the men at school their bodies because they had such thick hair all over everything: literally everything.
She contemplated taking a picture of herself in this position but from the rear. Unfortunately, however, she had done so before and was severely upset and disappointed by the results.
The only person who knew about this problem was Rarity. Princess Twilight doesn't count as she’s not a person, she’s a pony. Although, people and ponies seemed to be equal in every sense of the word. But regardless, Rarity seemed like the best person to go to out of all of her friends, being the only one to have seen her fully nude before for the sake of education on clothing.
Rarity had suggested several things that could potentially help with these feelings of internalized hatred towards herself, and while they were all good and helpful suggestions for anyone else, none of them worked for herself. Except for one, an artistic pursuit, the art of taking nude photographs of oneself in the name of aesthetics. That seemed easy enough, as she understood the basics of human attraction, despite not finding much attraction to humans themselves.
For a time it worked, until she started looking back over the photographs and realizing that she still hated them. Since nobody else would ever see them, she had just deleted all of them and cried alone, and ever since that day she’d been unable to take any that she thought were even tolerable.
Sunset wiped away the traitor that threatened to spill down her cheek. “I am not crying tonight,” she resolved. “Not. Tonight.”
She turned back to face the mirror head on. She tilted her head to one side, watching as her hair flowed into a different position. She wished it didn't fall down so much, and could stay up in a proper mane like it should. But at least it was still pretty. At least.
She sighed again.
“I look ridiculous.”
There was no response. No negative disagreement, no positive affirmation. Nothing.
“Wilbur...”
Sunset brought her hand up and patted the floor twice with her knuckles.
“... Neigh?”
The reflection suddenly distorted. Sunset blinked but it only got more blurry. She make a sudden rapid breath as her entire body shook, as if she had just hiccuped. She did it again, and she found that her cheeks were wet now. It was only then that she realized it wasn't just the mirror that had warped, it was everything.
“Damn it...” she whined before collapsing and hiding her head in her arms, giving in to the sobs that engulfed her whole body. She turned over to lie down on her side as she clutched the sides of her ribs, as if they were pulling apart and she needed to hold them together.
The floor, as cool and hard and unfeeling as ever, offered little comfort to the crying girl. Only a detached coldness that seemed to drain what last remaining warmth she had in her body. She pulled her knees to her chest as her body continued to shake and heave. She grasped at breaths in between the convulsions.
The phrase ‘I hate this.’ repeated in the echo chamber inside of her brain. Hate for her body, for her situation, for her utter helplessness, for her past and her present and her future, for the photos she had taken, for the photos she had deleted, for her loneliness, for still not having made up with Princess Celestia, for missing her mother and father, for everything.
‘It's not fair!’ soon joined it, as well as ‘Why me?’.
She screwed her eyes closed and pulled tighter into the fetal position. Through the thoughts that she deserved this hell for all of the evils she had done in her past, and that she wanted to leave this world behind for good and return to her old body, and that maybe dying would be better than living like this, crying on the floor every single night because she hated the way she looked, Sunset soon ran out of tears.
Numbly, she brought herself up to a sitting position. She wiped away the moisture with the backs of her hands and looked up at the mirror. A broken girl stared back at her, dead in the eyes.
“I hate you,” she growled through gritted teeth.
“I hate you!”
She hid her face in her hands again, glaring daggers at the ground below her, wishing the floor would melt away and pull her underneath. Sadness spent, only rage remained. She tried to take some more deep breaths, but found that she couldn't hold in the air.
She wiped at her eyes again, irritating the skin. They itched now, especially in the corners. This obviously just ticked her off more, and she punched the floor. The floor was in less pain than her fingers.
Furious, she pulled herself to her feet and stormed to her dresser. Pressing her bruising knuckles to her lips, she yanked open the drawers and snatched out a few necessities. She didn't care that they were all different patterns: it was time for an impulsive midnight ride at dangerous speeds through the deserted streets of the Canterlot night.
She hastily pulled on a random pair of underwear, socks, and riding jeans. She flexed her pained fingers and figured that she had felt worse pain before. She then yanked open another drawer and threw on the first bra she found, and repeated the process with a random shirt.
Sunset purposefully didn't glance at the mirror, and stormed down the stairs from her bedroom to the main room of her apartment. She gripped her keys with her teeth before she threw on her jacket and gloves, and then grabbed her helmet before throwing the door open.
In what seemed like the blink of an eye, the displaced mare found herself roaring down the main street. 50, 60, 70, she didn't even look at the speedometer. She didn't remember putting on her helmet or starting the vehicle, let alone driving halfway across town. As she rode she gave more thought to her predicament.
‘Maybe that was a little extreme...’ she mused to herself.
Her hands would definitely be looking a heavy dark purple the next day, but she didn't care. It was a better alternative than waking up naked on the floor in a puddle of her own tears again.
Sunset finally glanced at her speed. She was pushing 90. She pulled back on the throttle and slowed way down. She didn't actually want to die this night, or any night soon. Especially not alone in the dark at night without having told her friends she loved them.
The familiar road caused Sunset to slow down even further, until she eventually came rolling to a full stop. She planted her legs on either side of the bike and turned off the engine before removing her helmet and giving a sidelong glance at her stop.
The Wondercolts statue.
She pulled her leg over the side before activating the kickstand and setting her helmet on the rear seat. Sunset turned around and looked at the school. It was completely dark, and every single light was off. She was used to the sight from back when she prowled the grounds, planting items and evidence for schemes that she was planning. But this time it felt just as disconnected as her body.
Sunset didn't know why she subconsciously came to the school. But then again, with a glance at the statue...
...maybe she did.
/x/x/x/
“And... There we go! All finished!” The young Princess of Magic gave herself a pat on the back with her wings for finally completing her dissertation on Tartarian security, which had been sorely in need of updating after the bugbear escape. She cracked her neck to either side and drained the last of her third or fourth pot of coffee.
“Now all I have to do is send it in to-”
The rest of Twilight’s sentence was cut off by a blinding flash of light. A brief panicked dread filled Twilight before she deduced the source of the light as being from the mirror. However, that explanation initially didn't sit right, considering the time of day- er, night- and the slim likelihood that anypony would use it without advanced warning. It was affirmed a moment later when the light faded and she could see her friend stepping through.
“Sunset?” She asked.
“Twilight!?” The new arrival half-asked half-yelled.
As the light faded, Twilight could see that she had recently been crying, and that her name was heavily patted down. The look on her face was equal parts sadness and fear. Twilight gasped and galloped over.
“Sunset, what's wrong!?” She interrogated, pulling her friend into a tight embrace. “Is it magic again? Are the Sirens back? Is it another Anon-a-miss? Is it a bugbear? Are you okay?”
Sunset slowly brought her hoof around Twilight’s neck and willed her heartbeat to slow down. “Uh...” she swallowed. “No to all of those.” She took a step back as Twilight sat down, concern etched into every feature on her face.
“I...” the unicorn looked down at the floor. “I didn't know you'd be awake.”
“It's okay!” Twilight assuaged. “You know you're always welcome to come here whenever you want. It's just so unexpected, you usually tell me in advance when you come over.”
“I know, I’m sorry-”
“Don't apologize, Sunset,” Twilight interrupted. “I can tell that something’s bothering you, and I’m full of enough caffeine that I can talk to you about it for as long as you need to.”
Sunset bit her lip. This wasn’t exactly the plan but it's not necessarily a bad thing that it wasn’t.
“Just more...” she rolled her hoof. “Body dysphoria stuff, nothing new or special.”
“Oh, Sunset...” Twilight stepped over to give her another hug, this one more tender and much less desperate. “I wish I could help you with that, so much...”
“You can help just by being here...” Sunset nuzzled the crook of Twilight’s neck. “I just...” she sighed. “I needed to be me again.”
“I know.” She started stroking her friend’s back with a wing. “And you're always welcome to do so. You can stay the night if you'd like.”
“Thanks,” she replied. “I appreciate that.”
The pair sat in companionable silence for a while. Twilight started humming a song that her own mother sang to her when she was younger and stressed out about something or other, usually on an upcoming magic test.
Sunset closed her eyes and leaned into the support. The feeling of fur and feathers on fur was a familiar memory of a father she would never get to see again, and though bittersweet, the thought still brought a small smile to her face.
Her hooves felt the cool crystal of Castle de la Friendship, her tail wrapped itself around her legs and kept her privates, well, private, and in the mirror she could see her full equine self exactly as it should be.
Though she wouldn't stay long, because she loved the new friends she had made in the human world, she felt safe and secure in this moment. No matter how happy she would be learning about the magic of friendship with people who loved her for who she was on the inside, it was always nice to be able to look how she wanted to on the outside with ponies who did the same.
Right now, she would forget about the pain and the heartache. Right now, she would feel comfortable in her own skin and fur. Right now, the horn in the middle of her forehead was a beacon for knowing who she was, and that no matter the hardships, she would make it through them stronger
Right now... she was home.
/x/x/x/
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This is a view of Sunset we don't get very often, and I think you captured her turmoil very well. She must really love her friends if she's willing to put up with all of that to stay with them.
8903447
Thank you. I like to go for things I haven't seen much of, so I'm glad to know this was done well. And she definitely does at that: it's a huge plot point in TFW Nudes and my upcoming Dragonbourne Supremacy, so I wanted it set in stone before I got to the parts.
8903508
You can click the bottom right corner of the cover art and it takes you there directly
Can I please get a link to Paulie999's Deviantart?
Dangit, now I'm thinking of Forgotten Friendship again. Sunset needs a hug, stat.
8904928
ehehe, ummm... well, she does get that hug. but then something else bad happens in the series. and then she gets another hug. but then something way way worse is gonna happen in the series. and then she will get another hug... but then an extended series of terrible and deadly things will happen for several parts of the series. but then when all of the dust settles she'll get another hug. and then forgotten friendship will happen. but then after one more hug, nothing too bad should happen for a while, and it depends entirely on what happens in canon.
so yeah, I do make her suffer but good things happen to her too. honestly there's so much potential for her character and it's part of why I love the equestria girls movies so much after the first one.
This was a heartfelt story. You wrote Sunset's turmoil beautifully. Poor girl. I can't imagine the pain she goes through. It's good that she has such great friends to be there for her when things are too much for her to handle alone.
8905125
Thank you... I was definitely inspired by some of my own struggles with body dysphoria in the past. Maybe not to the level that hers is, because hers is a straight up different species, but enough that it was relatively easy for me to envision and conceptualize and put down on paper. I'm glad that this was able to accomplish what I set out to do. And yes, good friends are always welcome and appreciated.
8905427
Okay well you're not correct... BUT I wouldn't say that you're wrong either. There are lingering resentments and hostilities and negative behaviors and such, which will be absolutely reflected in the final chapters of my fic TFW You Find Your Crush's Nudes, as well as the majority of my upcoming ones The Dragonbourne Supremacy and The Dragonbourne Ultimatum. She certainly struggles with some harmful aspects of her personality, including a thirst for vengeance, ruthless sadism, and somewhat of a short temper, but I firmly believe that she's a good person(/pony), or at least desires and attempts to be, which is basically the same thing in my eyes. Nobody on earth is accidentally a saint. Everybody does things they're not proud of, myself included. And I beg of you to go watch the hour length special Forgotten Friendship on dailymotion or something: no spoilers but it may change your mind on her character.
Or... you could read my fics that involve her 😅 that would work too 😅 lmao
8905591
If Hasbro turns her evil in the next Equestria Girls movie, I'm burning all of my officially licensed merchandise and ignoring that canon. And there's not a snowball's chance in Tartarus that she'll end up evil in ANY of my fics. Even as the antagonist (or at least unwilling protagonist considering she's inhabiting Princess Celestia's body) in Supernova, she's still good deep down inside as we've seen in... literally all of her canon appearances after the first movie. Nobody would pull the rug out from under us like that unless it was whoever directed Disney's Frozen.
Even if you thought she was evil, this fic is about the psychological torment of living in a debilitating state of bodily dysphoria, which is suffering beyond what I believe even the worst person in the world shouldn't have to endure, and this takes place in a continuity of my own design in which she is not evil, but is a character with flaws and weaknesses but also positive aspects and qualities that provide for a huge chore ahead of me in terms of writing. If anything, Star Swirl the Bearded is the most evil protagonist in the series, and Sunset aspired to surpass his skill in magic, not anything to do with his accomplishments.
If it’s this much of a problem I have to wonder why she doesn’t just move back.
9228272
A valid point that is addressed in eventual sequels The Dragonbourne Supremacy, Ultimatum, and Legacy, but the short version is that she isn't really comfortable going anywhere without clinging to Princess Twilight, leaving a certain distance from the mirror, or any possibility of seeing Celestia before she's ready. It's a sense of duty and obligation to continue learning about friendship in the human world, an attachment to the Humane 6 (particularly Rarity), a curiosity about the world through the mirror, the desire to keep it safe from dark magic... basically all of the pros outweight the cons. Her full character arc explores the cognitive dissonance of having two separate destinies. But the events in The Dragonbourne Legacy are, well, pretty definitively cementing her decision on where to stay.
...but also this was kind of just a vent fic where I could express my own body dysphoria in a creative manner rather than hurting myself again. It just accidentally became my most popular fic ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
9232262
Kudos for the method of venting then.
This was pretty fun, actually. Can't say I've seen something like this before, either.
This was interesting. I've seen plenty of stories that had Sunset decides that she feels more human then pony and a few where she returns to Equestria declaring it her true home. Both paths bug me as it feels like she would try to hold onto her heritage from the two worlds.
This is a new take on things feels uncomfortable but in a realistic manor, it's something grounded and understandable unlike the more common take on things where she simply discards half of her identity. I can also personally empathise with her positions which makes it that bit more real to me personally.
Honestly played around with the idea Sunset would want to return to her pony form on the human side of the portal and sort of playing around with the idea in my own story. Though in that setting I was thinking along the lines of her feeling more fluid over her identity, adopting humanity without discarding pony kind, using which ever form she likes in the moment or happens to be more practical. Ideal world stuff compared to reality though I guess.
I just want to say I love this story and have reread it more times than I could count. It's just so sensitive, more original than most and captured the inner turmoils of Sunset very well. I may just develop parts of this into my own headcanon, if you would allow it.
That said, I would like to share a little sketch inspired by this story https://www.deviantart.com/castaspellliana/art/Trapped-800107270
Please keep writing and sharing your amazing stories
Thanks for the story and may you have a blessed and wonderful week
9658287
omg you don't know how much that means to me! I'm glad that my story inspired you so ^.^ by all means co-opt as much as you want. and I just checked that link, the hair is just gorgeous, and I'm in awe that something I made inspired something so cool. if it's okay with you, actually, do you mind if I use that as the story's picture provided I credit you as the artist? it's really good 😊
9663462
Oh, of course! I'd be honored ;v;
Consider it a gift, then - It's always nice to see even such a messy sketch of mine appreciated!
And thanks for allowing me to do that. It probably would only be brief in what I'm currently planning, but I'll be sure to credit you for the original idea.
9663694
hey man, fanfiction as far as I'm aware is 100% public domain. I've been inspired by a ton of other fics and use ideas other people used. fluttershy goes loopy was inspired by hard reset, for example. thanks for the permissions, now I can stop illegally using licensed artwork :D
Quite a good fic that explores a concept that I have yet to see get touched. That said while I do think that Sunset would still hold some of these views I don't think that they would remain as strong as they do here at the point in her time as a human as is given in the story. Either way that is a relatively small gripe considering that I do seriously think that she would still likely have such feelings to some degree anyway. Well done.
In hindsight, body-dysphoric Sunset seems so obvious that I'm surprised it hasn't become a trope. Brilliant work in capturing the unending struggle between pony mind and human body. Thank you for it.
Oh, Sunset...
This is an interesting headcanon. But I picture it as something she would eventually get over after a few months, once she got used to human things, like her motorcycle and video games.
Species-dysphoric Sunset, like FOME mentioned before, makes so much sense.
An interesting, if also somewhat painful, read!