Passer inter meos ocellos labebatur... et inebriatus... etiam līberātūrus.
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Undeniably, as meritorious as she was for the stunning play, Princess Celestia may have other reasons for expressing passion towards innocent stage performances.
Doubtfully, as guilty as she was for hurting her mentor’s feelings, Princess Twilight Sparkle may have thought the same.
A conversation of pulling puppet strings and blooming understanding, it seems that their friendship has more than it meets the eye.
Based on S8E7 Horse Play.
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*Claps*
Good show old bean. A most staller story. This has such a solemn and pure emotion to it. I applaud you! Here, have a song!
Here!
8921017
Thank you! Thank you kindly!
I can sorta get the gist of what you are trying to do here, but the flowery language tends to trip over itself. Words in prose should only ever add meaning, or transform it, not obfuscate it. I think another editing pass to trim the fat, so to speak, would help bring out the story's potential
8921028
Darn it, too sappy hm? I guess I’ll ask for some editing soon. Thank you!
also twilight stole a powerful artifact from your totally-not-a-mermaid ex-girlfriend, you should probably follow up on that
8921032
It isn't that it is too sappy, as much as that the loquacious nature of the writing, I found distracting from the emotional core of it. As the quote goes, "Brevity is the soul of wit." Since the story is written from third person, the narrative descriptions shouldn't distract from the story. On the other hand, a character's method of speaking should convey content, emotional state, and personality, and thus doesn't leave much space for excess without distracting from those things. To simplify, ask if the characters are talking to each other or the audience. When a person who is experiencing intense emotions speaks, it usually doesn't sound especially elegant or poetic unless they are putting on a show.
If Celestia, for instance, is relating painful memories, the process itself demonstrates its pain by how she doesn't spend more time than necessary to say what she wants to say. If someone has the time or presence of mind to add poetic flair to something it undermines the immediacy of the emotions.
Very nice job I was wondering could you do tickling with tempest Shadow and her parents please
8921112
Uh no thanks?
But thanks for your compliment!
8921084
Hmm, correct me if I'm wrong, but are you saying that I didn't properly portray the characters' distressed emotional state because the way they talk are too elegant?
If that's what you mean, then there are dialogues when Celestia showed an example to Twilight of how she spoke to the public as executions are made in secret. I don't think that's what she really wanted to express in pain, she was only demonstrating, again, an example.
If not, then may you show me moments where you were trying to convey your point?
8921084
Or... You're saying that the description and language do not suit the character's overall mood throughout the story?
8921429
This, mostly, combined with that the fact that both talk in a rather similarly wordy manner undermines the identity of both. The reason I said to consider if the characters are talking to the audience or each other is that it is your voice, not the voices of the characters, which comes through in the dialogue.
8921569
Really? Because I'm sure that Twilight and Celestia talk differently here.
I'll consider the second half of your comment. I struggle with omitting personal influence over characters.
Sorry, but I have to leave a downvote. You had good ideas, but the grammar and wording was so poor it was almost impossible to understand what was going on. I'm going to stop myself here because any other critique I try to write just comes off as insulting. Good luck improving.
8921889
Hm? I know I probably have a few errors, but to say “impossible” is overboard.
For the life of me, I can’t parse this sentence. Next to her was the student she once had is now on equal terms with her once more? HUH?
8922710
I was communicating a brief introduction of their current statuses.
But now that you mentioned, "equal terms" works better when two people are in a recovered relationship, which is what I implied within that phrase as well as how they're both alicorn princesses.
8922715
Okay, um...
"Equal terms" means that they're of similar status. Like, "we are both princesses", or "we are both rich". I think the phrase you're looking for is "on good terms".
There's also the problem that you switch tenses in the middle of the sentence, as well as being unclear who is afar on that grassy hill, and that you don't need to say that she's both at a distance and afar, since both mean the same thing. I might have written it as:
On the grassy hill stood Princess Celestia, observing the others from afar. Her one and only former star pupil stood next to her, on good terms with her mentor once more.
8922754
I'll go fix it then, thanks for your comment.
9013865
Omg I'm scared to read it now :(
9013865
All I’m getting is
404 - Page Not Found
9565510
I accidentally deleted the review a while back. Thanks for bringing me back to this story though. I'll need to delete other comments on stories I'd reviewed in the past.