Shimmerblade
Joined 3rd Apr, 2018 ·
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Looks like we're witnessing the birth of another talented artist
Pretty good start. Culd ahve been a little longer but good start. I'll keep an eye on this.
8899743
Its the prologue. But yea, it could have been a lil longer. But im glad i got it done at least
8899821
Its a good first step
8899838
Thanks
I thought Sunset Shimmer's twin brother was Sunburst.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/5/30/1166086.jpeg
8899905
Thats never been canonically proven
Ah, I remember high school.
Lunch was always overpriced and tasted like crap, forcing me to go to McDonald's up a block.
Drinking Strawberry milk automatically made you gay in everyone's' eyes because it's in a pink carton.
find a used condom pretty much everywhere.
counselors and teachers were more community aware, not thinking about the ones outside of it.
Pretty much flunked 10th grade, but leveled up for reasons.
Tests became my best friends. Fuck learning how to balance a checkbook
Yeah, public school was
theshit.I feel like you don’t know what “Second Person” means.
8901165
Its not gonna be perfect, ok? If you dont like it, you can always go read something else. Just saying
8901267
My comment had nothing to do with the quality of your story, nor do I care about the quality of your story.
What I do care about is the improper tagging of your story. It's tagged as having a 2nd person POV. You're story is in 3rd person POV. Hence, my comment.
8901278
I apologize if i sounded rude. The tag was removed
Is Lightsaber a jedi or sith?
8901553
This isnt a Star Wars crossover. His name is Lightsaber cause that's the name I chose for him
8901558
I know, I just had to make the joke.
Make more happen. :)
8904268
I assure you, im trying to get Chapter I done as fast as i can
,
that better lead some where other then oh this is a thing lets never bring it up again
8905941
It wont happen at first, but i guarantee it will happen
8906000
its a bit of a tick when stories don't follow up on creating life
8906012
You dont have to read it ya know. I dont mean to be rude, im just saying
That's weird. This says it got updated but I'm still seeing only one chapter.
8906084
Yea. I accidentally published Chapter I when i didnt mean to, as its not done yet, so i unpublished it. Thats probably why. My apologies
8906088
Happens to the best of them. No woories.
8909589
Thx ^-^
What a show! Looking forward to the next one.
Its going good, keep it up.
8916087
thanks
So when will the next chapter be posted?
8919069
hopefully soon.
Great work keep up the good work
8934279
Thanks ^-^
8934291
Fixed.
You repeat of the last two sentences
8934712
Fixed
Maybe she should brag to her friends that her boyfriend has a huge dick without showing his face in some pictures.
8935285
They want to keep their new relationship a secret till they're ready to tell everyone. Cause ya know, a Brother x Sister intimate relationship isn't something people usually agree with.
I have to admit I have a few mixed feelings in this chapter
. On the one hand, I'm interested in the premise set by the summary and have actually enjoyed the quality of the writing thus far. On the other, I'm feeling like this chapter may have been overstretching a bit. I do still look forward to more chapters of this story so please don't take what follows as anything more than an attempt at constructive criticism.
I don't think taking the Star Wars angle was a good idea
. Not at this point anyway
. Everything I've seen so far from summary to previous chapters seemed to suggest slice of life, drama, romance, maybe even room for light hearted comedy down the line. Maybe talking with the mane six, confronting the mother, accidental pregnancy forcing them to adapt and/or come out to their loved ones. Did not see Star Wars coming. Thought it seemed a bit out of left field in the author's notes but shrugged and read on. Really seemed out there in the chapter. My main confusion is in the little details that seemed off.
1) The reaction, or rather lack of, to Ahsoka Tano showing up. I may be rusty on the cartoon details, but I'm pretty sure Tano was obviously alien species (With horns, tentacle/hair, etc.). If she was unchanged enough from her trip to the point that she was instantly recognized, then I'm a little confused on how no one is freaking out with an alien showing up at a random banquet hall. I get the mane six lackluster response (Meh. Aliens now huh? Must be a Tuesday), but the public? Or even the mother?! Yes, you showed some hesitancy on her part, I give you that, but no where near enough to warrant seeing her kids bring an alien and say ',,,sure. Just don't make a mess.'
2) The suddenness at the subject introduction. I know one of the main characters is named 'Lightsaber' but that doesn't strike me as an adequate Segway into the new subject. I feel like we should have seen a chapter or more of slice of life stuff before dropping the alien into the room. Maybe work Tano in slowly? Start with describing a shadowy figure watching the girls at the friendship games. Have her approach later because she noticed them at the center of the portals and she was taking a chance to see if they had a way back.
3) Tano's reaction to the equestria explanation. She may wield the force but no one in that universe seemed to acknowledge magic as anything more than primitives trying to describe science or workings of the force. I would have thought she may have been a bit doubtful or at least acted reserved realizing that she was surrounded by 'scared primitives.'
It may be too late to make any real changes. Maybe these issues would have to be reserved for a rewrite. I only ask that you consider these in future chapters. Perhaps read each allowed similar to how one self edits for grammar issues? Only, instead of asking 'does this sentence sound clunky' ask 'is this event too rushed?' or 'How would this character normally react? How would I?'
Again, please don't take this as condemning
. I still look forward to what comes next or what happens with these characters you have set up
.
This keeps getting better. I like where its going.
8935421
I appreciate the feedback. It's obviously not gonna be perfect, and I just thought bringing in Ahsoka would be a nice addition. But i'll keep trying ^^
8935436
8935444
). And I'm not saying adding her was bad. Just that maybe she should have been brought in a little slower pace. Ever watched the CW Flash? Season 2 ep 1 is a good example of a similar story in my opinion. Started off with hints of otherworldly elements, showed a glimpse of their visitor, then saved him as a surprise twist for the end of the episode.
No problem. Doubt anyone here could claim to be perfect (goodness knows I'd probably get ripped a new one if anyone seriously critiqued by stuff here
Blabbing aside, I really do look forward to more. If my rambling provides any help then that's one more win
.
8968869
you didn't have to read this you know. im just saying
Wow that was uh amazing
Why the fuck does he have a random ray gun? Isn't that kinda....well, dumb? Not to mention kinda Gary Stu-y
I'm just glad you got to finish your story. May you triumph in your other story just like how you did with this one
link to the picture pls?