I have to admit I have a few mixed feelings in this chapter. On the one hand, I'm interested in the premise set by the summary and have actually enjoyed the quality of the writing thus far. On the other, I'm feeling like this chapter may have been overstretching a bit. I do still look forward to more chapters of this story so please don't take what follows as anything more than an attempt at constructive criticism.
I don't think taking the Star Wars angle was a good idea. Not at this point anyway. Everything I've seen so far from summary to previous chapters seemed to suggest slice of life, drama, romance, maybe even room for light hearted comedy down the line. Maybe talking with the mane six, confronting the mother, accidental pregnancy forcing them to adapt and/or come out to their loved ones. Did not see Star Wars coming. Thought it seemed a bit out of left field in the author's notes but shrugged and read on. Really seemed out there in the chapter. My main confusion is in the little details that seemed off.
1) The reaction, or rather lack of, to Ahsoka Tano showing up. I may be rusty on the cartoon details, but I'm pretty sure Tano was obviously alien species (With horns, tentacle/hair, etc.). If she was unchanged enough from her trip to the point that she was instantly recognized, then I'm a little confused on how no one is freaking out with an alien showing up at a random banquet hall. I get the mane six lackluster response (Meh. Aliens now huh? Must be a Tuesday), but the public? Or even the mother?! Yes, you showed some hesitancy on her part, I give you that, but no where near enough to warrant seeing her kids bring an alien and say ',,,sure. Just don't make a mess.'
2) The suddenness at the subject introduction. I know one of the main characters is named 'Lightsaber' but that doesn't strike me as an adequate Segway into the new subject. I feel like we should have seen a chapter or more of slice of life stuff before dropping the alien into the room. Maybe work Tano in slowly? Start with describing a shadowy figure watching the girls at the friendship games. Have her approach later because she noticed them at the center of the portals and she was taking a chance to see if they had a way back.
3) Tano's reaction to the equestria explanation. She may wield the force but no one in that universe seemed to acknowledge magic as anything more than primitives trying to describe science or workings of the force. I would have thought she may have been a bit doubtful or at least acted reserved realizing that she was surrounded by 'scared primitives.'
It may be too late to make any real changes. Maybe these issues would have to be reserved for a rewrite. I only ask that you consider these in future chapters. Perhaps read each allowed similar to how one self edits for grammar issues? Only, instead of asking 'does this sentence sound clunky' ask 'is this event too rushed?' or 'How would this character normally react? How would I?'
Again, please don't take this as condemning. I still look forward to what comes next or what happens with these characters you have set up.
8935421 I appreciate the feedback. It's obviously not gonna be perfect, and I just thought bringing in Ahsoka would be a nice addition. But i'll keep trying ^^
8935444 No problem. Doubt anyone here could claim to be perfect (goodness knows I'd probably get ripped a new one if anyone seriously critiqued by stuff here). And I'm not saying adding her was bad. Just that maybe she should have been brought in a little slower pace. Ever watched the CW Flash? Season 2 ep 1 is a good example of a similar story in my opinion. Started off with hints of otherworldly elements, showed a glimpse of their visitor, then saved him as a surprise twist for the end of the episode.
Blabbing aside, I really do look forward to more. If my rambling provides any help then that's one more win.
Great work keep up the good work
8934279
Thanks ^-^
8934291
Fixed.
I have to admit I have a few mixed feelings in this chapter. On the one hand, I'm interested in the premise set by the summary and have actually enjoyed the quality of the writing thus far. On the other, I'm feeling like this chapter may have been overstretching a bit. I do still look forward to more chapters of this story so please don't take what follows as anything more than an attempt at constructive criticism.
I don't think taking the Star Wars angle was a good idea. Not at this point anyway. Everything I've seen so far from summary to previous chapters seemed to suggest slice of life, drama, romance, maybe even room for light hearted comedy down the line. Maybe talking with the mane six, confronting the mother, accidental pregnancy forcing them to adapt and/or come out to their loved ones. Did not see Star Wars coming. Thought it seemed a bit out of left field in the author's notes but shrugged and read on. Really seemed out there in the chapter. My main confusion is in the little details that seemed off.
1) The reaction, or rather lack of, to Ahsoka Tano showing up. I may be rusty on the cartoon details, but I'm pretty sure Tano was obviously alien species (With horns, tentacle/hair, etc.). If she was unchanged enough from her trip to the point that she was instantly recognized, then I'm a little confused on how no one is freaking out with an alien showing up at a random banquet hall. I get the mane six lackluster response (Meh. Aliens now huh? Must be a Tuesday), but the public? Or even the mother?! Yes, you showed some hesitancy on her part, I give you that, but no where near enough to warrant seeing her kids bring an alien and say ',,,sure. Just don't make a mess.'
2) The suddenness at the subject introduction. I know one of the main characters is named 'Lightsaber' but that doesn't strike me as an adequate Segway into the new subject. I feel like we should have seen a chapter or more of slice of life stuff before dropping the alien into the room. Maybe work Tano in slowly? Start with describing a shadowy figure watching the girls at the friendship games. Have her approach later because she noticed them at the center of the portals and she was taking a chance to see if they had a way back.
3) Tano's reaction to the equestria explanation. She may wield the force but no one in that universe seemed to acknowledge magic as anything more than primitives trying to describe science or workings of the force. I would have thought she may have been a bit doubtful or at least acted reserved realizing that she was surrounded by 'scared primitives.'
It may be too late to make any real changes. Maybe these issues would have to be reserved for a rewrite. I only ask that you consider these in future chapters. Perhaps read each allowed similar to how one self edits for grammar issues? Only, instead of asking 'does this sentence sound clunky' ask 'is this event too rushed?' or 'How would this character normally react? How would I?'
Again, please don't take this as condemning. I still look forward to what comes next or what happens with these characters you have set up.
This keeps getting better. I like where its going.
8935421
I appreciate the feedback. It's obviously not gonna be perfect, and I just thought bringing in Ahsoka would be a nice addition. But i'll keep trying ^^
8935436
8935444
No problem. Doubt anyone here could claim to be perfect (goodness knows I'd probably get ripped a new one if anyone seriously critiqued by stuff here). And I'm not saying adding her was bad. Just that maybe she should have been brought in a little slower pace. Ever watched the CW Flash? Season 2 ep 1 is a good example of a similar story in my opinion. Started off with hints of otherworldly elements, showed a glimpse of their visitor, then saved him as a surprise twist for the end of the episode.
Blabbing aside, I really do look forward to more. If my rambling provides any help then that's one more win.