Twilight's Boob Binge

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TallTaint

TallTaint #1 · Apr 30th, 2018 · 2 · 1 ·

This is really, really difficult to read. The way how you structure your sentances is bizzare and I don't think you fully understand how to use commas. The first paragraph uses 3 full stops and everything else is a comma.

For example; the very first sentence is fine up until the final addition where you just seem to add on information, instead of structuring it in the sentence itself.

"A shudder ran through Twilight's body as she felt a jolt of pleasure from the touch, a soft gasp escaping her lips at the sensation" is way too long for what you're actually trying to say and adding a comma needlessly. "A shudder ran through Twilight's body as she felt a jolt of pleasure, a soft gasp escaping her lips" would have worked more effectively. Still not perfect, but it's better.

"The Alicorn entered into the barn, and quickly stepped inside, closing the door behind her." uses two commas for absolutely no reason. The point of a comma is to add additional but slightly different information about what the sentence is talking about. There's no reason to use a comma and then use 'and' after it as thats what the comma sorta does. Along with the fact that you're stating she goes into the barn twice. "The alicorn entered the barn" and "she quickly stepped inside" are two different ways of addressing the character you're talking about and mentioning she's going into the barn. It's needless. Literally just saying "Twilight quickly stepped into the barn, slowly closing the door behind her." is a quicker way to say the exact same thing. This addresses the character you're writing about, where she is going and what she is doing. All in one sentence. I'm not a writer, but the fact that I can easily point out these basic flaws of structure and format is a big red flag.

Literally the entire first paragraph summerised is; Twilight was at Applejack's farm, she went into the barn and closed the door behind her. That's it!

Of course there was additional details but they're sorta used in a "tell but don't show" fashion. Like, "Hey look at this stuff that just happened into the plot of the story!" ...without actually writing it in the story but only implying it in a third-person perspective I guess? It's a strange way to just put what seems like important information about the story in the story itself.

This story idea seemed like it was down my alley but it's difficult to read without questioning the intent of most sentences.

Tldr; don't add information that seems important at the end of the sentence every single time, put commas in a format that actually supports additional (or relevent) information to a sentence, don't say the same thing twice just to seem like you're adding more details and make paragraphs actually has content in them.

There are more issues at hand, but I genuinely couldn't read far enough due to some really obvious issues that needed to be addressed.

I'm not gonna dislike the story or anything but you seem like you're interested in this kinda thing to spend time to actually do it. So I wish you well and I hope the few things I pointed out helped.

Omnishifter

Omnishifter #2 · Apr 30th, 2018 · · ·

Well, I was hoping this would be a story of breast vore that I can actually seriously enjoy, as I enjoy all of the major forms of it, and I have to say... it came out rather so-so to me. It's good, but a bit short, and the lack of more that that brings leaves it a little unfulfilling. Still had plenty of what I like, just not expressed fully enough to really feel substantial. Also, I thought the milk would factor in a little more. Oh well, still a good read, and I always love seeing Twilight go dark!