• Member Since 27th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Jay David


Just a guy from Britain who loves MLP.

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Source

Though the days are now over when Princess Celestia walked through Equestria with a false face, there were nevertheless many times when her annual journey put her in odd an unexpected situations. One such moment was when, to her surprise, she actually found herself being courted, thus leading her to something she would never have anticipated.


Based on the events of Issue 65 of the MLP Comics, and will also contain spoilers for past issues.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 76 )

Notice lots of space between paragraphs making the page here on mobile longer...

Also, very interesting and sweet story!

Yo, this is cute. And a good romance with best girl? Gimme more pls

Great start! I already like Eclipse, and eagerly await more of him and Celestia.

We grave this setting, and so far, the writing is spot on. Also *praise the sun*

Hey Jay David, I'm from Britain too! I've added this to my reading list by the way. :twilightsmile:

This could be interesting. I found the possibility of the necklace from that story full of possibilities when I read the comic but this isn't one I came up with. A very good idea.

Did that Pegasus disguise even have a name?

Wow, been a while since I've seen a story based on one of the comics. And it's a Celestia romance as well? Count me in.

This is probably the first Celestia x Guard story I could like.

It seems pretty ok so far, the guard didn't acted as weird as I somehow expecetd it from this type of story, it seems Celestia isn't right away seeing this as a date and I liked it more than I thought.

I would actually like it if so far only he will develop the feelings and suprise her with them, at that moment she could give him a chance or they could continue a bit before Celestia accepts the idea of dating (probably still in her current form).

I just like the idea that for a change not both of them fall in love that fast.

Ohhh very interesting. Tracked.

May want to cut down on the massive spaces. Otherwise good story.

This story is good so far, but for some reason it really bugs me that Celestia's nom de guerre is the exact same as the coffee vendor. I know it's a small issue that shouldn't bug me as much as it does, but still.

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Maybe it's a reaction to all the stories where Celestia-in-disguise has a very similar and always very generic name, and yet it's always unique within the story. An indicator, perhaps, that things won't go as smoothly for Celestia here as they tend to do in said other stories...

Not sure if Cutiemark extremely obvious... or best disguise ever Oo (its like Superman, wearing glasses!)

Wait... the comics did what?

I really need to catch up on some of the comics don't I? Comedy will ensure I know it, there is no way this will go smoothly for any of them.

This looks like it could be really cute. :twilightsmile:

The anticipation of the look in the guard's face when he finds out he asked She-Of-The-Sunniest-Disposition on a date...

I'm interested in see how the story will go.

I like it. Seeing Tia do some incognito wandering is good, and kinda surprised this is the first time I've seen a story like this.

Hnngh... okay, I hope I don't come across poorly here, Jay. I've been seeing your stories up a lot and I REALLY want to read them, it feels like you have really good premises! But I just... I can't get past the two glaring editing misnomers you have in all of your stories, it's making my editing instincts go crazy. I hope I'm not untoward by pointing out the ones bugging me; I promise I only want to be helpful.

One is the MASSIVE gaps between paragraphs - my brain reads those as a change of scene, which is very jarring. It breaks me out of the flow of the story, reading those gaps as pauses, and it kind of ruins the flow. I've seen this done in a self-published book series I was interested in reading, as well, and it just killed my ability to stay focused.

The other is how you always put dialogue in a paragraph apart from its description. I'm all for giving important lines of dialogue their own for dramatic effect, but doing it too often has a similar problem as the first example - it breaks up the action and is kind of jarring when I want to be engaged fully in the story. Here's an example:

"You...you mean it?"


Celestia nodded, smiling innocently to him.


"I do. Would twelve be suitable?"


Now smiling himself, Eclipse gave a frantic nod of his own.


"Yes! It'd befantastic!No, better than that,brillianteven!"


Giggling to herself, Celestia gave a slight bow of her head.


"In that case, Sir...I shall see you tomorrow."

Here's how I would normally expect to see a section like this written in a book:

"You...you mean it?"

Celestia nodded, smiling innocently to him. "I do. Would twelve be suitable?"

Now smiling himself, Eclipse gave a frantic nod of his own. "Yes! It'd be fantastic! No, better than that, brilliant even!"

Giggling to herself, Celestia gave a slight bow of her head. "In that case, Sir...I shall see you tomorrow."

I wouldn't normally pick at a writer like this, and I hope I'm not coming across too poorly. I've just seen so many of your stories going up lately and really want to enjoy them (especially this one, it sounds SUPER CUTE), but I'm having a hard time. If you think these suggestions might be worthwhile and want to give them a try, I think it could really help improve the editorial and aesthetic side of your writing.

Best of luck, and keep putting out those stories!

Really love how your dialogue flows. Thanks for writing this.

I know that he was interessted in her, but to be hones it could have been them just being friends too.
I was just not sure if I liked that "yep it is a date, a date a date and nothing else than a date", that Luna had going on.

I just hate it if they jump to conclusion even if that pretty much looked like it was meant as a date and we know it.

"Auntie...I realise that you miss him...that you even still love him, but...he's gone."

she already had a guy?, well this is better than her already having 5 or 6 guys like in some other stories. Hhhhmm I just hope this is not a I married King Sombra or Discord thing.
......oh god I knew it was about him again....:facehoof:

I can't say that I hate the story, but I also have nothing I like that much till now, it just doesn't feels.....exactly right to me yet. I can't explain it better, it is just something you noticed while reading I guess, writing style and stuff.

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To answer your question about Celestia having "someone", in the comics she went to another world where King Sombra was good and herself, Luna, and the mane six were evil. She eventually feel in love with that version of Sombra; however, to save his world Sombra took all the evil from the others, turning himself into the version of King Sombra we have in the TV show.

Celestia then shattered the mirror connecting the worlds together.

Another good chapter, though you should keep your dialogue in the same paragraph as the actions of the character speaking. For example:

Celestia cast her another frown, before letting out another long sigh.

"Well then...let's see how this goes."

Would be clearer and read better as:

Celestia cast her another frown, before letting out another long sigh. "Well then...let's see how this goes."

Hope that helps, and keep up the good work!

Oh yeah, completely forgot about the Reflections stories. Man those were confusing...

I had actually forgotten about the mirrorverse thing, as I have never read the comics. I love its inclusion though! It feels much better than both the "Oh, I've been married more times than I can count," and the, "I'm a perma-virgin with no experience with romance what so ever," As ti shows that Celestia does have romantic abilities, but she hasn't been able to give up her first love yet.

Ri2

I thought Celestia destroyed the amulet. Or hast that not happened yet?

stay out among our people as long as that

I think that would read better as "stay out among our ponies". It was a little jarring to see "people" there. Keep up the good work, interested to see where this is going.

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okay I know that story, I just didn't knew it was something from the comics or anything that really exist in that form.
Well I think I'm not a fan of that shipping personally.

Trash once again, and wouldn't you know it
almost plagiarized trash!
you really find new ways to lower the bar every day don't you

"...do you believe, truly believe...that Sombra would want you to spend the rest of your life mourning him? Remaining alone?"

WHAT!?
media1.tenor.com/images/667b75b1b91874e5e008e07adbcaaa77/tenor.gif?itemid=4160067

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There was a comic where Celestia fell in love with a alternate good version of Sombra.

8929316
Read the Reflections arc from the comics, their like 17-20 iirc

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8929605
Ooooohh, yeah that explains it. I've only ever seen snippets of the comics, I knew there was a good version of Sombra in them but I never knew there was a romance with Celestia of all ponies!

8929316
im assuming it based of the comics where celestia was once in a relationship with a good king sombra from a alternate universe

Celestia should go on the date as Sunny Smiles, and if it goes well she should reveal her true identity. That way she can see if Eclipse likes her for her personality and not her title, without having to keep up the charade for so long that it causes more harm than good.

8928579
This is referencing a story from the IDW comics. Just saying.

Maaaaan. Straight to the point. I like you, keep going. 👏👏

Eclipse, eclipse, eclipse... You don't begin a date with talk about an other girl ! rule number one guy ! Xc

8929316
Celestia and Sombra (good guy version from a parallel world) were an item in the comics.

Dan
Dan #43 · May 17th · · · The Date ·

Wonder if it's a coincidence Celestia's alter-ego resembles Belldandy.
derpicdn.net/img/2015/1/29/817152/tall.jpg

Ohh, this is gonna get awkward, funny and dramatic pretty soon.

I cannot wait.

Congrats on getting featured by the way.

Oh geez... You left me with a stinking cliffhanger! Now I'm gonna be thinking about it all day at school!

This was nice. I was genuinely wondering if something would happen to expose Celestia, but nope! Things seem to be working out so far.

Let's just see if that continues to hold up or not.

Funny how was talking to someone the other day celestia disgusing herself to get to know her ponies.

Tia is about to break that poor stallions mind...I love it!

8927713
Have you read Princess Celestia Gets Mugged? It takes a similar premise in a less similar direction.

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