• Member Since 14th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

NineTailBeastBall


I'm a 22 year old brony trying to control the beast inside me. I’ve just recently started writing my own story, but my main objective is to help other fimfiction users.

T

Marcus Thorne is a very talented Pokémon trainer who has a very troublesome history. His past has caused him to eventually become a near emotionless man who is cold to both people and Pokémon. One day as he and his companions are descending Mt. Silver, the suddenly end up in an entirely new dimension. One that is not inhabited by either Pokémon or humans.

Though it’s not my style, I decided to make this my very first story. The story here takes place during season 8 and is an alternate universe which will ignore any events that will happen in the final season. Since this is my first story, I could actually use some constructive criticism.

I don’t own anything.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 13 )

I really enjoy the chapter. I hope you continue this story to it's potential. Also that rewrite was a good idea. Keep up the good work.

What the hell, why didn’t this pop in my notifications sooner? I’m following you and yet I almost miss out on your first fic. :pinkiegasp:

This didn’t pop in my notifications for some reason
But still good chapter

Not too into pokemon as much as I used to be, but it's got some good stuff. Not really a fan of dark or tragic things either. Still, hope people like it.

Even though he remembered nothing of who he was before Bruno found him, deciding his starter Pokémon, was the first steps in Kojak becoming the type of person who doesn’t seek easy victories.

Indeed choosing Charmander, provided the fresh trainer with more trouble than if he had chosen Squirtle or Bulbasaur instead.

Comma overuse here, either sentence would be fine without. Fairly sure I missed others.

Gradually, the boy became stronger, and developed a fighting style where he goes all out at the first opportunity.

Latter half of this feels weird, might wanna reword it.

Usually, a book shouldn’t be judged by its cover, but that didn’t apply to the man who was looking down from Mt. Silver’s incredible height. An unusual combination of pleasant and intimidating, Marcus Thorne had jet black hair, partly covered by a brown stetson and his face was cleanly shaven, making him seem more like a teenager than a man who was in his late 20s. Handsome as he may be, the rest of Marcus’ appearance, exposed his true, dangerous nature. He wore an open black jacket that was torn at the shoulders, revealing muscles that rivaled Kojak’s. Since it was left unzipped, his chest was left exposed, showing his muscular chest that was covered by a dark gray tank top. He also wore gloves on both his hands and like his jacket, they were torn, exposing his fingers. In addition to being in better shape than his jacket, Marcus’ pants were a slightly lighter shade of black, and he had spiked spiked braces strapped on each leg, matching the one he wore on his right arm. Finally, he wore black boots with sharp spurs attached.

Awww, the edgy boi, with his edgy backstory. I love him. Also it says spiked twice.

However, she was also unique, for while her kind are known to disobey and even attack their trainers, this Incineroar genuinely respects and cares about Marcus, despite how hard he is on her and obeys his every order no matter how cruel.

Maybe change the last bit to "despite how hard he is on her, obeying his every command, no matter how cruel."

Overall, you've got my interest so far, though I feel the pokemon intensive start might drive off more casual readers. I'll get around to reading the next chapter later, and leavr you with this for now.

9855403
Thank you, since this is my first story I’m looking for constructive criticism

I want to punch Marcus out so much right now. That is not how you treat your team, and I've got the Legendries to back it up. I'm loving the story and can't wait to read more.

9860382
You know, it’s funny you mention that. Marcus is this only one of the three trainers who has a mythical/legendary Pokémon on his team.

Comment posted by zeusdemigod131 deleted Nov 25th, 2019
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