After being pulled through a portal, a country boy learns about Equestria and the role he has yet to play in it's survival
Chapters (3)
DrRockso
Joined 16th Apr, 2018 ·
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Feel free to comment on my story
Since nobody else has commented yet, I'll do the honors...
First I'll just say that I think the idea you have is very refreshing to me. Most Human-in-Equestria stories involve main characters with a very generalized Anglo-American background, where I can't tell if they're from Los Angeles or some Podunk, Kentucky. Having somebody from a Southern background, even if he's Southern to the point of stereotype (do people really wear cowboy boots in NC?), makes me interested in where this will go.
As for execution, you have a lot of areas you can improve in. Let's take a look at the very first part:
This is... phew, let's take it in three parts
It should be "The North Carolina woods were". I don't know if you used "was" to make it sound more country/colloquial, but I'd really recommend you don't regardless.
Instead of telling us that Andrew is country to the core, why don't you just show it to us? In fact, later on you do show it to us. He wears cowboy boots, a Caterpillar cap, and stays away from big cities. That's enough to say "Country" to me. "Show don't tell" is very important to making an interesting story.
When did we become Andrew? Either start the story from Andrew's perspective, or keep going in third person. Don't pull a sudden tense shift like this with no rhyme or reason to it. Also, just a few sentences ago we established that we're in the middle of spring, so why is Andrew acting like Spring has just sprung?
I could keep going, but I think you get the point by now and I don't want to waste anyone's time. I could get really nitpicky on grammar, as there are a lot of mistakes throughout, but that doesn't really matter too much other than what might actually confuse the reader, like tense-shifts.
Show don't tell, decide on a perspective to write from and stick to it, and flesh out Andrew so that he's more than a stereotype are my main recommendations. Reading back over it for errors a word processor wouldn't catch ("tree truck" instead of "tree trunk" for example) would also help.
... Why does this of all things convince Andrew that he isn't tripping?
Thanks for the advice. I’ll correct this when I have time. I can see where it might be confusing switching from 3rd to first person that was bad on my part.
8875149
(do people really wear cowboy boots in NC?)
Not all of us, just the redneck kids mostly,
9090079
I do. What can I say I’m sort of a hick myself.
9090189
It's not so much the cowbow boots as it is having a bunch of guns, You know you live in north carolina when you hear shotguns in the woods in front of your house. #justNCthings (we should get that trending)