Mightyena
Filly Anon Catches a Pokemon
Admiral Biscuit
Home is where the heart is.
It is also where a certain green filly is. Why she's at your house is a question that nobody—especially you—can answer. She just is, and that's something that you have to live with.
You juggle the key in the lock, which has never been quite right despite several applications of graphite spray, and then open your door, fully anticipating being surrounded by the familiar comforts of home.
Instead, your living room looks like a war zone. While it's unlikely that everything is destroyed, at first glance everything certainly appears to be.
It's not a robbery—nothing appears to be missing. Your flatscreen television is still there, although now it’s facedown on the floor and probably broken. They just don't build TVs like they used to. The couch appears to have been attacked by a horde of Mongols, your curtains look as if they were put through a paper shredder and then hung back up, and even your fake ficus is in flinders. The floor, which is allegedly some kind of wear-resistant composite, also did not survive unscathed. Long scratches are scattered hither and yon, seemingly without reason.
You're still trying to process the extent of the destruction when you suddenly remember Filly Anon. She can't be responsible for this; the damage looks like something Wolverine might do, not a little filly with hooves. But at the same time, you're sure it's her fault.
Somehow.
Hopefully she's okay.
You close the door behind you, lift the TV far enough to verify that it has a long crack across the screen, and then start calling for her.
“I'm in the bathroom,” she says, her voice oddly muffled.
“Are you alright?”
“Just a little bit cut up.”
That doesn't sound ominous at all.
You race towards the bathroom, idly noting that the trail of destruction continues up the walls quite some ways and that there are occasional smears of blood on the wall.
It's looking more and more like you're somehow trapped in a horror movie and you decide that if the lights suddenly go out, you're making a beeline for the front door.
The lights stay on.
The bathroom has avoided most of the carnage. Maybe that's because there's less in there to destroy. Bathtubs and toilets and tiles are surprisingly robust.
Filly Anon is sitting on the floor amidst a pile of empty Band-Aid wrappers. Your formerly fully-stocked first aid kit has suffered mightily at her hooves. Bloodstained towels on the sink complete the picture.
She looks up at your hopefully when you enter, perhaps expecting some sympathy. And that might come, once you've determined what happened.
One hind leg is wrapped in gauze all the way up to her barrel, and she's peppered with bandages. Assuming that she's accurately sticking them on wounds, it looks for all the world like she got in a fight with a woodchipper. She's even got a Band-Aid on her tail.
“What happened to you?”
There’s a note of pride in her voice. You suppose Evel Knievel would have sound the same as he was carried off on a stretcher. “I caught a Mightyena!”
Your mind works on that and comes up blank. You're not quite sure if that's actually a word, but it seems like it should be. Maybe it's a pony thing.
“A . . . mighty hyena?” That would explain why everything is destroyed.
“Mightyena. You know? A Pokemon?”
“A Pokemon?”
“Geez, Anon, how do you not know what they are? Do you live under a rock or something?”
“I know what Pokemon are,” you say. “I'm just trying to figure out how this relates to that.”
“He was angry, and my Pokeball wasn’t strong enough. I didn't have the right kind so I made one out of cardboard and then I went out looking 'cause you've gotta catch them all to be the best there ever was. And I found one!”
“Did you.”
“I guess I'm not a very good trainer, though. He got out of the Pokeball, and—“ A crash from the kitchen interrupts her. “That's where he went!” Her injuries temporarily forgotten, she gets to her hooves and heads into the kitchen; you follow.
You've seen what raccoons can do to garbage, and you've heard what bears can do. This is a full order of magnitude worse. The only small consolation is that whatever is in your cupboards can't be all that big. Although Filly Anon is living proof that big trouble can come in tiny packages.
“I hope there are some bandages left,” you mutter and yank open the cupboard door.
Angry coal-black eyes stare back at you. They’re attached to a demonspawn creature that is nothing but teeth and claws and pure hatred, and you slam the cupboard door back shut before it has a chance to get out and gore you.
“That's a badger.”
“Nuh-uh, it's a Mightyena.”
“No, it isn't. It is an actual fucking badger, and it is pissed.” How do you get a badger out of a house, anyways? The only solution that comes to mind is burn the place down, and that's not ideal. Although since most of your belongings are already destroyed, it might actually be a reasonable option.
“It looks like a Mightyena,” she says defensively.
“Well, it might just a little bit, I don't know.” There are a zillion different Pokemon, and while you've played the game you sure as hell can't identify them all. “But Pokemon aren't real, and badgers are. Unfortunately.”
“If they're not real, how come people can go around and catch them, huh?”
“Because the game is an augmented reality app for a cell phone. It uses GPS and an overlay to the camera to make the Pokemon appear as if they were really there, but they're not.
“Look.” You tug your phone out of your pants pocket and begin frantically typing. It doesn't take too long to find a picture of a Mightyena, which you have to admit, does look much like an angry badger. “They're nothing alike.”
She stares at the phone screen and then over at the cabinets where an ominous clanking suggests that the badger is fortifying its encampment in preparation for a long siege.
“Well, how was I supposed to know?” Her ears droop down. “I'm colorblind.”
“That's—” Your brain screeches to a halt at the sudden cognitive dissonance. “THEY'RE BOTH BLACK AND WHITE! HOW IN THE HELL DOES IT EVEN MATTER THAT YOU'RE COLORBLIND?”
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I can't help but feel sorry for little Filly Anon. All she needs is a cuddle, some hot chocolate and a few rabies shots. Shots before cuddles.
I want to hug you
I... don't know what to say.
8869531
I suppose that works.
Well, on the bright side it could have been a skunk* instead. Although the house might be in better physical shape, he wouldn't be able to live in it without a gas mask.
Thanks for the laugh.
* I mention a skunk because one crossed right in front of the door I was going to enter work through, this morning. And hey, black and white with a horrifying defense mechanism. 'Kitty' was BIG—I waited a minute for Kitty to move on before heading in. Imagine the Worker's Comp claim...
8869501
Earth ponies are pretty robust, so she'll probably be fine.
Although the rabies shots are a good idea.
8869531
8869557
Usually, it's "Goddammit, Admiral."
8869584
That wouldn't have been as much of a surprise, though. You can smell those suckers for quite some distance when they go off.
You're welcome!
Yeah, skunks are totally something you don't want to anger, unless you don't mind smelling like skunk for the next week or so. Best to let them just do their thing.
I don't think that there are any who live near my house, but it's certainly possible that there are. I haven't seen one yet, anyways, and hopefully I never do.
8869590
I'll do it then.
Goddammit, Admiral.
thumbs up and faves
8869597 I work in Silicon Valley, so it was a mild surprise for me (and fortunately there was no smell), but really they're endemic to California.
The cardboard pokeball was cute and endearing, but maybe he should consider getting her a pony-size tablet with a metered service connection.
8869624
Such a silly pony. Good luck in getting rid if that badger as they are downright mean.
8869635
That is kind of surprising. I don't picture there being skunks in California. Seals, yes (probably not in Silicon Valley, though).
I can only imagine how much trouble Filly Anon could get into with a computer. She might start buying bitcoins or something like that.
8869650
I'd say that the house is a total loss at this point. The only reasonable course of action is burn it down--that should flush the badger out, and it can be rebuilt badger-free.
After this and the last Filly Anon story, I have to ask: Is Filly Anon a ponified version of L/Cpl Schmuckatelli? Or That Guy, or Carl, maybe?
8869662
I'm honestly not sure what her origin story is. A ponified, fillified version of Anon is the best I can figure, based on images on Derpibooru (and do yourself a favor and have safe search on--brain bleach ain't cheap).
I suppose I could dig deeper into the meme, but where's the fun in that?
8869654
Filly Anon, Day trader. When it comes to the stock market, jumping out the window is traditional. Living on the ground floor, Filly Anon would probably find it fun. At least until the repo men take all of her roommates stuff...
*sigh* Whatever are we going to do with you, Admiral?
... this is pretty shitposty
Usually, second person + Anon + only 1000 words + obvious shitposting = nope
It's a trusted equation.
Then again, it's Biscuit. And it's his "Madness Week" So, what the hell? I'm reading this.
It goes as well as you can expect. And I don't know if I need to laugh or be mad.
8869822
That sounds like a story I'd read. I think it would be fun for her, and maybe she'd be good at it.
Well, at least it's not her stuff they're taking (and what are they going to get? A slightly shredded cardboard Pokeball? Half-eaten Tide Pods?).
8869868
Hang on and enjoy the ride, I guess.
8869913
Friday's is gonna be more shitposty.
8870243
I'm not going to claim that this isn't shitposting. Fair warning, Friday's is gonna be the epitome of shitpostery.
I think you can be both. Probably should be, honestly.
8869868
Give him a cookie?
8870374
Ooh, I like cookies.
orig00.deviantart.net/f03f/f/2012/165/5/4/cookie_monster_by_glittering_pony-d53efs6.jpg
8870395
That's adorable. *buries you in cookies*
I confess, I was expecting an actual Mightyena. Not the least disappointed, but...well it wouldn't have surprised me.
8870428
8870429
I'm not really up on my Pokemon, so I'm not sure if an actual Mightyena would be worse than an irate badger.
8870447
Mightyena can funnel fire, electricity and extreme cold through their fangs, change the weather, and fire balls of toxin, among other things. They'll also steal your stuff and throw sand in your face. You can't even tranquilize them for safety because they can attack you in their sleep.
A badger is probably a lot more ferocious, though.
8870243
It's still a no from me, dog
8870588
It might be wise
To be fair, I'm pretty sure badgers also have the Intimidate ability, so it's not that hard to confuse the two.
8870565
So basically if somebody's offering a free Mightyena on Craigslist, I should probably give that a pass and settle for a kitten.
Anon's lucky that Filly Anon didn't catch an actual Mightyena.
8870748
Probably any sensible person isn't going to get close enough to find out if its teeth can funnel fire, electricity, and extreme cold.
8871337
Everyone needs to read The Wind in the Willows at some point. It's just as much a standard as anything written by Enid Blyton or Beatrix Potter or J.K. Rowling or C. S. Lewis or Rev. Dodgson.
Screw film or animated adaptations. They always bugger it.
I was born at exactly the right time when Roald Dahl and The Chronicles of Narnia weren't being censored for the sake of political correctness. I haven't seen A Wrinkle in Time yet, but I can tell you that I am outright horrified by even the trailers. Oprah never read any on Madame L'lenge's works, did she?
At least it wasn't the dreaded Dire Badger-
Also known as 'Honey Badger' in Africa.
If that irate badger had been one of those, I believe that Anon would've been on the receiving side of an impromptu sex change procedure.
Nice story, made me laugh out at the whole situation.
8872481
I did! Way back in the day, when I was a wee little lad. Never read anything by Dodgson, and I'm not sure about Enid Blyton. Pretty sure not.
There have to be some that are done right. Off the top of my head, can't think of one, but then my childhood didn't have a TV in it, so I'm not really up on my kids' movies.
They're censoring the books? Boo.
Never mind Oprah, I'm pretty sure I haven't, either.
8873962
Those things are awesome! Honey badger don't give a s
t.
If he was lucky.
Burning down the house wouldn't be an option with the honey badger. Tactical nuke's probably the only way to get rid of it (and that might not work; you might wind up with an extremely pissed, extremely radioactive honey badger. Possibly with super powers).
8875783
I agree.
Honey Badgers are awesome.
Heh, in one fanfic they became the Apex Predator of Africa after... some mutations that made them as big as trucks.
Their temperament remained unaltered.
8875997
So basically, they became like hippos, but also with claws and immune to poison.
8877860
Yup. Got it in one.
I saw this story and read it but did not comment because I did not have anything to say. Now I do:
On May the 4th —— ¡May the 4th be with you! —— I found a baby-opossum (the only North-American marsupial) in my kitchen. I corralled it into a pot and put a lid on it and took it to the creek and released it.
8906258
Of all the creatures I've had in my house, I haven't had an opossum. So far, only various insects and spiders (which is of course to be expected), mice (again, expected), a garter snake, a toad, and a feral kitten. Twice, because I didn't throw the kitten far enough the first time for him to get the message that he wasn't welcome inside.
I also had a baby bird in my old house. It was his first day of flight training and he wasn't very good at it. Hopped in through the back door and then when I got close he headed down into the basement, and it turned out he wasn't very good at getting back up stairs, so I had to rescue him.
8911566
In 40 years, this is the 1st opossum in the house. I have an hypothesis:
Last year, we had a massive explosion in the rat-population in my town; none are sure why. Indeed, if you run a search for “rat” in the category “news” of your preferred search-engine, you can figure out where I live because the local paper ran stories about the rat-invasion.
We never had rats in the house until last year: Rats got into the house, along with everyone elses’ houses:
The ruined the food and chewed everything else. I bought rattraps. We caught scores (I lost count). We seem to have killed them all after an yearlong siege. Considering that Fillydelphia took 7 years to deal with its plague of parasprites, we are lucky (the paper announcing the retirement of J. K. Yearling also had an article stating that Fillydelphia is finally parasprite-free).
The rats chewed rat-sized holes into the house. I tried to fix them, but I must have missed 1. A baby-opossum (it probably left its mother’s pouch and struck out on its own just a few weeks ago) is about the same size as a full-grown rat. The baby-opossum probably got in through a rathole. Since the baby-opossum is was in the kitchen, the rathole is probably behind 1 of the appliances.
8913659
And odds are that my google search would hit the wrong city, anyways, since it's keyed to past searches and whatnot . . . true story, when I was writing Silver Glow's Journal, Google decided that I was in Kalamazoo, due to the vast number of K'zoo specific searches I was making . . . it ignored the GPS and cell tower signals from my phone.
I could probably figure it out but it's really too much work.
I'm not really sure how small a hole a baby opossum can squeeze through, but I'd bet it's pretty small. Maybe smaller than you'd even imagine. I wonder--I don't think that they eat rats, but they might eat ticks and stuff that rats could bring with them, and so maybe the smell attracted it. Or maybe it was cold and saw what it figured was a good nest.
I like opossums. They're kind of ugly, but they're pretty cool. Maybe if I had one in my house I'd change my opinion, but probably not. I still like kittens and snakes.
Also!
I sometimes have blue spotted salamanders in my backyard. Those are really cool.
images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/blue-spotted-salamander-griffin-harris.jpg
8915619
Baby-opossums are cute but it was not housebroken, so I had to relocate it.
We do not have blue spotted salamanders here.
8916058
Most wild animals aren't housebroken. Although some of them will probably instinctively find one place to go and keep using that.
8920687
We have rats again. I guess that killing scores of them was not enough.
The trow-away line about Anon being colorblind. That is a joke, but ¿what sort of colorperception does Anon have?
The ponies are horse-shaped aliens. Q probably created their world and uploaded them from horses and entered his world as Discord. AronRa has a videoseries explaining the relations of us to our relatives. It is on episode 28 and has only reached the Jurassic. It should reach horses in 1-to-2 score more of episodes: