• Member Since 15th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 6th, 2017

KJOokami


T

Dawn Gazer is a mare who's down on her luck. She's been through school, she's gotten her cutie mark, and she's worked her tail off to get herself a job that will let her move out of her parent's house in uptown Manehattan. Unfortunately, no one seems willing to take her on board. With no one to give her a chance, she feels trapped. So, in an attempt to *make* something work out for her, she's heading out of the big city for a more humble base of operations: Ponyville.

With only enough money for a few nights stay at the local inn, and still lacking any specific skills to nab that perfect job, how far will she go to make something of her life? Will the change of scenery be just what she needs, or a whole new saddle-full of problems?

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 21 )

AN: Alright, I’m going to apologize right off the bat for the fact that this is probably a horrible piece of writing. The fact of the matter is that I haven’t done this whole “storytelling” thing in just over 2 years now. To say I’m a little rusty would be the understatement of the century.

And what’s more, I really don’t have any frakkin’ clue where this story is headed. I’ve just really wanted to get back into writing, and haven’t had any inspiration to do so. I’m hoping that if I just sit down and start writing that something good will come of it, and I’ll be able to improve my way back to a decent level of proficiency as I go along.

I’ve got a basic idea of what the story will be about, but beyond that, the vision is very much unclear.

Anyways, hope you all enjoyed what I’ve got so far. Author’s notes will also be significantly shorter than this if I can at all help it.

Dude this is far from horrible. The whole thing flowed very well throughout and it was a solid introduction to the main character Dawn. And don't worry if you don't know exactly where you're headed with it, I never really know exactly either and it is a damn fun ride. I only vaguely sketch out a plot line and some things I want to happen and then I'm off writing. If you know all your characters well enough i.e know what they want and how they react to the world around them then all you have to do really is throw them into situations and they'll make it work.
As I can ramble far too much about the importance of characters I'll just say I'm looking forward to the next chapter :twilightsmile:

You know what? Fuck work, I'm reading this! :pinkiecrazy:

Great start! Whets the appetite enough to merit a favorite AND a watch :raritywink:

Can't wait to see how Octavia and Scratch get into the mix. Keep up the good work!

976702

Thanks so much, dude. It's nice to know my writing ability hasn't completely deteriorated. Hehe. :derpytongue2:

977355

Well, you'll be happy to know that they'll be making their entrance either at the end of the next chapter, or the beginning of the chapter following that. Depends on how chapter two ends up going.

Also, wow... a fav AND watch? You flatter me, good sir. :twilightblush:

AN: Wow, this took longer to write than it should have. I think I spent the better part of a week just staring at the page hoping words would appear. 90% of what's written here was done in the last few days. Ugh.

Also, to those that I said Vinyl and Octavia would be coming in at the end of this chapter... I lied. :pinkiecrazy:

It's not my fault though! This chapter just ended up going longer than I thought, and I didn't want to rush the next few scenes just to get there. That, and I wanted to get this chapter out ASAP, since it's taken so long already. But don't worry, they WILL be appearing at the end of the next chapter at the very latest. They might come in a little sooner. We'll see.

Anyways, hope ya'll enjoy this!

1038540
No sweat! Allow the story to unfold the way it comes to your mind. Trust your storyteller instincts and keep the readers on the edge of their seats. You've got something awesome brewing here! :raritywink:

1039114

I do my best. *bow*

Thank ya much, sir!

1040702

YOU'LL GET YO OCTASCRATCH! PATIENCE, WOMAN! Haha. :derpytongue2:

Haha! I knew this was worth following! Dawn is a really entertaining character. :pinkiehappy:

Now give me my recommended Scratchtavia intake! I need it or I'll surely perish! :pinkiecrazy:

(joking aside I love this fic so far regardless)

1056742

Oh, don't you worry. There is OctaScratch on the horizon. I hope it's as glorious for you to read as it is for me to write! :yay:

Thanks for the comment! [One step closer to FIMFiction domination! Muahahaha!]

Loving this so far. And your OC is quite lovable:pinkiehappy:

Faved and liked

1178789

Thanks so much! I really appreciate it. :heart:

I know from personal experience how hard it is to write a memorable OC, but I have to admit, Dawn is shaping up to be an interesting character. I'll have to see where this is going.
Cheers! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png

1266269

I know. Super classy, amirite? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png

Glad you're enjoying it so far! I'm super close to finishing chapter three, so hopefully you'll be seeing that pretty soon.

1266789

Bring forth the sexually-themed references! Give me your worst!

Ho-hum, where do I begin?

Well, that was interesting to say the least. I like the style in which you are writing it. It's very descriptive, though it could flow a bit better, but I suppose that just comes with the practice. You're narrating the story from the third-person perspective, yet you had these lines in there that had me really confused:

"Her words; not mine. Personally, I quite like the smell of Pete the Gryphon’s Pizzeria in the morning. Smells kinda like garlic and cigarette smoke. Fresh."

"Her words; not mine."? Who is this other person? Is this the narrator? This is the one and only time you ever use first-person in the chapter, and to me it just seems kind of unnecessary. Obviously, the story is being told by someone else, but it isn't good practice to have that someone else come into the story for fun, unless the narrator is part of the story (it's not in this case). If anything, remove this part.

Now, onto Dawn Gazer. She seems like a rather nice pony, although there is nothing completely outstanding about her. She seems to have a rather indecisive personality mixed with a bit of hotheadedness and optimism. From this introductory chapter, we have established that Dawn is on a quest to "find herself" and to discover what life has in store for her. Everyone loves those kind of stories. :pinkiehappy: Her character isn't really that developed at the moment, but I anticipate that she will be changing as the story goes on. If I could suggest something, give her some kind of negative personality trait or characteristic that she dislikes, but ends up changing once she learns all the lessons she needs to on her journey. That could add a bit more to her character and make her a little more interesting, plus it will help you come up with things to add to the story later on.

Overall, it's not half bad. I can tell from your writing that you don't or haven't practiced your writing skills in a while (your grammar is fine, it's just the story-telling elements that need fine tuning). You've left a lot of doors open with the way you ended the chapter and I believe that the story and this character both have a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to what you have in store next chapter. Don't let any negative comments I said get you down! It's funny how even the tiniest pieces of criticisms can break a writer's concentrations and cause doubt. Trust me, the story is fine, everything is fine. Just keep on practicing and try to think of something that will keep the reader interested!

Best of luck, I'll be in the next chapter if you need me.
-Smash

1311456

Wow. Thanks for the critique, man! I really appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

The thing about the narrator randomly hopping into first person is a problem that I have simply because of the way I've always written stories like this. I really love the idea of a narrator who has his/her own personality without actually being a character in the story; someone who can sort of break the fourth wall and make snarky remarks to the characters in the story, even though they can't necessarily hear him/her back.

I actually used to absolutely litter my stories with that sort of stuff, but for whatever reason I didn't really follow up on that first off-hand comment. Now that you mention it, though, I can really see how out of place it seems here. I've never had someone tell me that it was off-putting before, so I've never thought about the possibility it might be distracting or confusing to the reader. Thanks for pointing that out! I believe I do something similar once in chapter two as well, and I'll have to go re-read what I've written of chapter three to see if it happens there too.

Also, you mentioned a couple times that my story-telling isn't quite up to par (which I agree with; about two years out of practice, give or take), but could you be a bit more specific? Was there anything in particular about the flow of the story which seemed off to you? Weak or out of place dialogue? Too much dialogue? Not enough? Overly wordy sentences or descriptions? Was it overly draggy, or did not enough happen?

Also, feel free to answer all this after you've read chapter two, if you wish. I know I kinda went overboard with questions. That's one trait that I did kinda project onto Dawn even though she's not meant to be a representation of me. :twilightblush:

Okay! Chapter 2...

This was kind of a fun chapter. I still consider to be an introductory chapter though since not much happened except for that fact that Dawn arrived in Ponyville. I'm actually surprised to see that the tavern in town is pretty... um... mature compared to the rest of Ponyville. It's like a shady part of town that nopony likes to talk about, pretty cool. And that was definitely Applejack talking to her during that one scene, though it was kind of hard for me to picture how she ran right over her. Does she not look where she's going? :rainbowlaugh:

I've got a better understanding of Dawn's personality now. She's oblivious. She tries to play it cool most of the time, but never seems to catch those underlying meanings when talking to other ponies. Heck, that kind of sounds a lot like me now that I think about it. My mother always told me that I'm smart, I just never payed attention to things. :twilightblush: And that's pretty much the same thing we have here with little miss Dawny-poo ("Dawny-poo"? The hell was that...). From this chapter I can conclude that she has a pretty serious attitude, but can be hotheaded or oblivious at times, which may make her come off as kind of dumb to some ponies. But hey, that's a good thing, comedy is always a good thing! I'm hoping that some other reoccurring characters will be introduced soon because just having Dawn would make this story pretty boring. She needs other characters to play off of in order to make her own character shine in this story. And you can really get a feel for who she is when you see her interact with the other characters, especially AJ and the bartender.

Speaking of the bartender, what a sleaze. I was actually surprised to see that none of the stallions at the bar stopped Dawn for a little chat or drink. Well, I suppose this IS Ponyville we're talking about, so perhaps the ponies there are a little more tame than the norm. But that still doesn't explain Mr. Sleazy-pants going all like, "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, here's a hotel room, let's make some babies." (Hey, I like that! Gonna have to remember that one...). Awkward situations are always fun. I can tell that Dawn doesn't get out that often. It really shows how immature her character is and that she has a lot to learn on her journey. :derpytongue2:

To answer your questions from the previous chapter:
Your storytelling was fine, but there were some parts that seemed kind of off to me or didn't seem to fit. For example, after all the descriptions you gave about Dawn between her personality and cutie mark, you failed to mention what color pony she was (I still have no idea what color she is. Is she blue?). These sort of details may not be important to you the author, but to the reader, it's everything because the reader has no idea what you are thinking. It's up to you to portray that message to the reader as best you can. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to go into detail with EVERYTHING, but simply saying something like, "Her fur was a lighter color of her mane, shining under the sun, yet nearly blended in with the moonlight." I won't go back to the previous chapter, but in this chapter I noticed some weird wording you had with describing Dawn's encounter with Applejack. "Apparently, Dawn came a bit too close and managed to get herself steamrolled by the mare, whom at this point was looking down at Dawn in irritation." So many actions occurred in this scene yet you pretty much shoved it all into one sentence, which made this part of the story kind of hard to picture in my mind. Was Applejack walking towards her at a fast pace? Was she doing something without noticing the other pony? You need to stretch this out between a few sentences in order to portray what actually happened. It's little things like this, though they may not take away from the story, that can be improved to help the story "flow" better.

To answer your last question, I want to say that yes, perhaps not enough happened. Or rather, more could have happened because nothing was really lost nor gained from the beginning to the end of this chapter (or the previous). You could have attached these two chapters together into one because Dawn is still in the same place she was upon reading the first sentence of chapter 1. The only difference is, she's in Ponyville. A good idea for author's, if writing a relatively long story, is to pretend each chapter is its own little "episode" of the story, meaning that there is an event or problem that occurs in the chapter, and it gets resolved by the end of the chapter (or possibly the next chapter in some cases). This method can be seen in PRB's story "Shipping & Handling", where at the beginning of ever chapter, there is a problem, the characters have to figure out a solution to the problem, and the problem is resolved. It's like how in grade school when your English teacher taught you the basic formula of a short-story. You have an introduction, followed by a body, then a rising event, a climax, and then finally a conclusion. You just need to find a way to incorporate this into every chapter. Now, I'm not saying that there should be NEW problem addressed to Dawn in EVERY chapter. For this story, you basically want Dawn to learn something new as each chapter goes on. This story is all about character development, and this is one of the most effective ways for you to portray that development and for the reader to interpret it the right way.

I hope that answered most of your questions! :yay:

Final words? This chapter was enjoyable. It's looking good so far, but I'm hoping for more events to occur in the next update. Don't be afraid to make those chapters longer as well if you're not feeling it's what you want. A lot of authors will try to rush things to meet a deadline, where instead they are in fact killing the story and letting a lot of their readers down. Take your time with things, plan ahead, make sure you are one hundred percent satisfied with the final product. I wish you best of luck in the next update, and I'll be looking forward to it!

-Smash

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!