A normal day with the two of us, Dashie and I. It was going swell.
Then, HE showed up.
We don't know why he did it, or who we was. All we know-
It was too late for us.
Constructive criticism is appreciated.
Chapters (1)
InsaneWubWubs
Joined 14th Jun, 2012 ·
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Bro, this is well written and extremely sad.
Interesting... I liked it.
I like it but i am seeing a lot of stories were dashie cannot fight back. I mean she has a black belt in karate, so why in most stories she is weak and can't fight. Also there was not much of a story to this but it is written well.
Exactly what I was expecting based on the tags; not the specifies but what would happen. Nice one shot, but I think there might be a few people out there wanting to know the back story of the mysterious killer. I am not among those as I can't stand to read a lot of 'dark' stories.
*spoiler* this is tank, isn't it? *spiler ended*
Wel, overally you need to flesh it out a bit. Add more feeling and depth to the charracters!
wel, it is not good, but not bad either. i would say just about average
971712
I know what you mean, I tried to make it make a tad bit more sense by saying that the killer was huge.
Not sure if it helped, I think it did.
It's that situation where you can keep hitting him, but Dash is too small to actually hurt him.
971667
That's what I was going for!
Thanks
So whats with all that "I heard were those… painful screams that haunt me to this day" If the dude died three minutes later?
971724
Hm. You mean add character to the killer?
If that's what you meant, I actually wrote a reason for why he did it, and a little bit of backstory.
Then I though "Naaah, I'll try to leave 'em guessing."
And...yes...
It's sad and stuff ... I guess, but you can't really expect readers to feel for a character they know next to nothing about. He loves Dash, and Dash loves him back? What does she see in him, what does he see in her, how did they meet? Dammit, at least give me the characters name. And what's up with this murderer dude? What's his name, why is he so intent on killing these ponies? Does Dash owe him money or something, is it more personal then that? Give me something man.
Since this story has good potential, I'll give you a thumbs up, I just want more info.
971714
Maybe I can make the back-story into it's own story one day.
Really nice and sad story... i like revelation of our "hero". I typed several characters but in the end i was suprised.
Still good story even if this killer have a chance to walking on clouds(pegasus are usually not so big, but we cannot forget about "YEAAAHHHH!!!" dude.)
971745
And I knew something like that was gonna happen
I wrote the story, and kept editing, taking away and adding more until the last minute and...
Wonderful.
971755
Snowflake!
Or Roid Rage, either or
971748
Someone didn't get the twist
As for the killer, he's meant to keep you guessing. What I can do.. is yes yes.
I'll add hints of his backstory
So... fuck this. In a good way of course. It makes me sad as hell, but then again, that was the objective wasn't it? 5 stars!
971780
Alright then, I'll claim stupidity. What is this
you speak of, sir or madam?
ok i need to say tis befor i say anything els,(you can ignor this part, its just me venting) NOOO NOT ANOTHER DASH IS BRUTLLY MURDERD FOR NO REASON STORY, WHY IS IT ALLWAS RAINBOW DASH!?!?1
ok now that thats out of the way,her is my thoughts. all in all this was a pretty well done. aside from a few gramacail erreors ( im not enofe of a grammer freak to point care) and a slight feeling that it was a little rushed, i found this story to be veary good. here is some things i think would make this story even better. 1. athough you gave us enofe info to tell that rainbow dash and this guy are together, it would be nice to have a little bit more of a insight into how this happend. 2. due to the fact that the guy died in the end, haveing her say things like "I’ll cherish them for the rest of my life" and "I’m already traumatized as it is." dosent make much sense as it implys that he is still alive ( i might have misunderstod wether or not she actually died from the fall so if he actually survived then pleas disregard this part) 3. if not in this story then in another one, pleas gie us some more info about "Fillydelphia Underground". i dont have an idea of how to fit it into this story (it is your story after all) but if you decide to make another story to explain it, then maby it could act as a good framing device for a story about the "mystery murderer" and why he did what he did(just a thought) 4. prof read it for gramer ( not that big a deal as long as we can get the point)
all in all a good story, keep it up
971805
Read the last line of the entire story, all the way at the bottom xD
971823
Yea, he died form the fall.
I see what you mean, he's dead but is still alive to tell the tale?
PONY LOGIC
I'll edit that.
And I didn't make it Rainbow just to make it Rainbow.
Seriously I don't care who it was, it really was all for the twist at the end and well, I though she had the best... umm..
How do I explain this without spoilers...
Screw it. I thought Tank was a good pet to choose, since the show really says that he cared about Rainbow so I don't have to.
971859
OOOHHHHH
Well, now I feel like a retard.
971840
Maybe I'll just write a separate story for the killer. I mean, I JUST added hints to his connection to Rainbow,
971788
Thanks man
971883
Haha don't sweat it
971865
971897
Derp
Haha I wonder how many people don't see it the first time around.
971823
>this
>before
>else
>here
>grammatical
>errors
>very
>happened
>having
>doesn't
>implies
>misunderstood
>whether
>please
>give
>maybe
>proof
>grammar
And that's just the misspelled words.
I hated that stupid fucking turtle anyway.
971910
Um... it's a tortoise
Haha well I guess he's not for everyone.
971923 Potato tomato
It was just reaaaally creepy.
971932
I wasn't serious, I just referenced fluttershy
You mean the story is creepy? Or having Tank as a main character is creepy?
Whenever I comment on something, I like it to be at least moderately insightful. But here, all I can say is...
Fuck, man. Just... fuck.
Not saying I didn't like it, I thought it was great (so to speak), and that was quite the twist as to who the narrator was. Nicely done.
But still... fuck, man.
971923 Great. Turtle and tortoise in my language mean same animal :P Somebody can me explain what the diffrence is?! ponyfac.es/sites/pony/faces/96a66f73.png
*reads last line*
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!! I GET IT!!!
971959
It's gonna be okay man. You'll live
971968 I don't know... *sniffles*
971963
Basically:
Turtle: Water.
Tortoise: Land.
Turtles have webbed feet, tortoises have claws.
Turtles also have a flatter shell.
And Tortoises only eat plants unlike turtles. Turtles also eat insects.
If this... beast... could scare Dashie, I was certainty not going to put up a fight. << Might wanna fix that.
Anyhow, the story was well written. Now, it didn't make me cry. But it did give me a hint of sadness and gave me one hell of a knot in my throat.
Job well done. Job well done.
972052
I can't believe this actually inflicted sadness on anyone.
I was happily typing this up like "DERPY DERP SLAM KEYBOARD LALALA"
Does that make me a bad person ._.
971945 Tank in general is creepy, thus making the story creepy.
Even Dash says it herself!
972077
Well if you don't like him, he's dead now.
And the story was sorta meant to be creepy but not so much as... okay I have no idea what I was aiming for.
All of my what, didn't really understand much, there are way too many gaps in the story.
971748 there's an entire episode of how they met
971823 you are not a very clever man, are you?
972148
It did?
You seem to be the only person with that problem (judging by people who commented)
Mind telling me about what "gaps" you speak of?
972177 Just realized something, is the main character a stallion or a human? If it's a pony, then, forgive me, thought something else.
972207
Neither
You need to read THE ENTIRE STORY to figure it out.
...or read the comments and spoil yourself...
It made me the sad.
also, rushed as fuck.
but i guess it fits the story.
972217
Well it was a quick turn of event's if you were to witness it yourself.
But if it made you feel any emotion, yay
971989 Thank you for explanation
:twilightblush
:972207 English is not my first language but even I can find out who is this "strange stalion" of yours ;] Read whole story.