• Member Since 17th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen Jul 4th, 2018

Cardinal


Long-time Fall of Equestria fan currently working on FoE: Redux.

Comments ( 75 )

This is a phenomenal start to this storyline. From the prose to the dialogue to the characterization, it's all excellent. I particularly liked the scenes featuring Anvari, Raskh, and Strom. Well done, looking forward to see what you happens next!

This is a really good start for the redux, especially the introductions to the characters. It makes me glad that I got started with my Redux story sooner rather than later. Can't wait to see the rest.

Honestly I expected garbage but this is spectacular so far. Best FOE story in years.

I am aware I am not a proofreader, but I hope you will permit me to point out when I believe to have found issues.

name intrigued Dainn more—it meant her master had named her after Daen the Daywalker, the mythic first king of the Caribou, who had lead their people out of the dark forests millennia ago

The correct form is "led".

"It is the only rational choice," said Raskh evenly. "There is no land west of here, surely even you can see that by now. And even if there still is some uncharted continent somewhere out there in the ocean, we do not have the runesight to reach it soon nor the resources to reach it later. Turn back, and the stags and cows on this ship may yet live decades longer on the Isles.

Missing quotation marks at the end.

Raskh snorted. "You do not get to name life 'death' because it suits you Dainn. Life on the Isles is life, death on the sea is death. Those are your options. One is safe and easy, the other is torturous and doomed."

Should be a comma before Dainn's name.

9004882
9004912
9005282
Thanks for the kind words, it was a lot of fun to write.

9005340
Thanks for letting me know, fixed.

9005340
lol. started writing this chap in april and still riddled with errors, hows that "good story came out today" going for you derp? ready to apologize yet?

9005423
Don't mention it.

9005435
I remember you writing you would go to the forum to say you were wrong as soon as the group has its first story. It has one now, not even a week after we had this exchange. You are not on the forum to say you were wrong. What's keeping you? And before you try to shift the goalposts... you said a story.

9005451
so you admit it's not good? ill go to the forum right now if youll be honest for once and say how you really feel about this story. deal?

9005435
Derpsby has nothing to apologize for. 1, this is still a very good opening chapter. 2, they were to apologize on if the story never came out, and guess what? It came out! So what if it has like three typos? The typos don't detract from the overall story.

Maybe you should go find somewhere else to be a piece of shit at, because I doubt anyone has any respect for your opinion at this point.

9005451
9005464
not the point. point is he doesnt like it but as always he is hiding his real opinion to spare peoples feelings. I want him to say what he actually thinks of this story and be honest with himself for once.

9005472
Point is that you just want to poke a hornet's nest, and every time you are proven incorrect you try to change the topic. Thus, you have changed the topic every time someone has ever replied to you. Just accept that your stance on this has been as stable as sand over a sink hole. Honestly, Derpsby doesn't have to answer to you, because you are about as high on the totem pole as the earth's core. Here, allow me to give you some advice from Prosecutor Nahyuta of the Phoenix Wright games.

img.fireden.net/vg/image/1474/36/1474362612654.png

9005472
Okay dude,
1) Derpsby obviously liked it, why bother to read all the way through a 9k word story and point out the smallest errors to help the author if you didn't enjoy it? I have not heard of a single FoE story so far Derpy didn't like, why would he dislike one that is in the top 10% of FoE stories?
2) It's a damn good story which obviously you haven't even taken the time to read, so why are you commenting.
3) Like Schorl said, what is your problem? What do you want?

9005494
9005498

no, im trying to help him. he is being peer pressured by everyone to say he liked a story he didnt actually like. know how I know? i said hows that good story working out, he said don't move the goalposts, you just asked for a story. implying he doesnt think it's good. derpsby grow a damn spine and speak your mind for once.

9005504
Look, this is honestly the last time I'm going to comment to you, because you have nothing worth replying to. Derpsby HAS NEVER been afraid to express his opinion. He clearly stated that he hated the ending of my story when I published it, despite it getting vast approval by my readers at the time. He has always said he liked FoE proper over post-FoE material, even in the post-FoE group. If he doesn't like the story, he would say so, and yo implying that he some sort of coward is honestly laughable. He and I haven't seen eye to eye in years, and I'll still tell you that he is capable of speaking his own mind because he doesn't give a shit about the opinions of those like myself. Insulting him is the last insult I will accept from you, and I have given you far too many permissions already. I won't wish ill upon you, because it is already obvious to me that you live in misery.

9005525
lol are we talking about the same person who goes around the forum every day complimenting literally every idea he hears no matter how much it sucks and even shitting on his own ideas when someone else says theyre bad just to fit in? the guy has no spine and this is yet another case where he kisses someones ass to make them like him even though he doesnt like their ideas or story.

Hey if you need a fox for some strange reason I’ll gladly make a female OC for ya!

Fox master at your service
*salutes*



I can’t stp laughing from that

9005525
You may be giving me too much credit. I do care what others think, maybe a bit too much at times.

9005472
You are my therapist now? :trixieshiftright: Well then, doctor, here's my personal opinion:

I did not hate the story. I will challenge anyone who says it's bad, too, because it's not. It's very well-crafted, far better than a hundred-some stories I read on this site, and better than several professional works. It's engaging, and emotive, with the scene of young Dainn and Svarndagr being downright chilling. And it did an excellent job of giving the Council actual character. I could picture them while reading. No FoE story or picture ever came even close.

I can't yet tell whether I can fully get it, or get into it, if that makes any sense. It's one of those heavy pieces, where I need more than one chapter to sort out how I feel. That's not a matter of quality, though, because the quality is excellent.

9005595
yawn. tldr: derp kisses ass again, go figure. I liked ncn better than you people, at least he was honest.

Holy crap, it's actually happening?
Sorry I doubted you lot. Keep it up.

9005653
For someone who claimed to want to help me, you really suck at it, my dear laminated viking.

9005570
Schorl already provided us with a lovely fox OC. You're going to see her in the third chapter. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Aristagtle deleted Jun 25th, 2018

9006092
Eh it was worth a try, I’ll always be open to making one tho!

9006681
We'll get back to you if we need another one. :twilightsmile:

Hello. You may remember me, I came on the forums of Fall of Equestria: Redux some months ago and expressed my skepticism about the project but was ultimately optimistic. I saw the first Fall of Equestria: Redux story was published today, and have just finished reading the first chapter of this story. I must say, I reserve my judgement until a few chapters have been written, but it seems my doubts were completely unfounded. This is a story of excellent quality, likely on par with many professional novels. If you continue on this trend you will certainly create a good and worthy successor to Fall of Equestria. I eagerly await future chapters.

9006699
You could even use blaze if you need a male fox!

This is without a doubt outstanding writing.

FoE needed to expose the antagonists of this AU but could never do it, resulting in them coming across as overpowered one dimensional flat being beings with no face or name. This chapter has done exactly that, and done it well. The character development in this chapter does a near perfect job of fleshing out named characters in a way that doesn't slow down the pacing or feel like the author is telling the reader what they should know. The pacing is smooth, in fact I would say it is flawless.

This is what I've hoped to see in FoE, and I'm so happy someone finally came along and made it happen. I will happily support future chapters if a proofreader is needed (you actually do need some minor proofreading here).

Please write more soon.

9006840
Thanks for your kind words. Establishing strong, realistic characters for the antagonists was my primary goal with this chapter, so I'm happy you think I was successful with that. I'm also glad you thought the background information was incorporated into the narrative smoothly, doing that was another objective of mine. A few people have generously volunteered to do proofreading already, but I appreciate the offer and if I'm in need later I'll definitely take you up on it.

9006754
9005595
Thank you, I'm glad you both enjoyed it. Derpsby: creating a detailed, lifelike Council the reader could vividly imagine as they were reading was exactly what was aiming for, so I'm glad to hear the story met that goal for you. I'm also glad the emotional scenes worked for you; that was one area I was uncertain about.

9005570
As Tarvoc said, we do already have a fox character in a later chapter, but if you want to PM me your ideas I'd be happy to hear them and perhaps the opportunity to use them will arise later.

9007799
Np, I’m always to help!

Apart from a pretty jarring beginning, I really liked this first chapter and I think I'm going to like this story.

Obviously, Dainn isn't as one-dimensional as he's been in other stories, but you've also managed to take the concept of how Caribou treat their females and make it so that it isn't their only trait. I especially love some of the courtroom drama with the council; it makes me want to play CK2 all over again.

I just hope the culture shock moments are handled well.

9008293
Everything about the caribou makes me want to play CK2. :pinkiecrazy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROJ0M0bikvg

Great job, can't wait to see how this goes. this is what i never knew I wanted. Keep up the good work.

Ok, finally got around to finishing it. Got some words for it.

So far, this really isn't what one would call a story of the cannon nor really a reboot I'd say. It's a reinvention, all for the better in my eyes.

First chapter in and most characters so far have a sense of realness to them. I can imagen them in a way that would make it seem like a film. It is clear this isn't just porn but rather an erotic story I suppose. Yes, the caribou society is intolerable by real-life standards, but in the fictional world, I can feel something for the caribou more than a burning desire to see lose horribly, granted that is still there, but perhaps in a different matter.

The characters seem more real than the ambiguous figures they were in the old stories that the only other thing than disgust and a guilty curiosity, was just comity in how blatant and downright silly in misogyny they were (a word I don't normally use but actually has all definitions checked off)

The effect it has is I can start to describe them in a few more sentences from the couple words they were originally. Dainn, for example, was just 'The King' or if I were more generous, 'The reason Equestria and a good part of the world is fucked up.' Now I can see him as a king that came from the low rungs of society, climbing up by merit but also for the "Service" of the last king. He boasts that he'd give everything up for his people, and probably believes it. Though Raskh points out so far, his people are only dying around him while he is alive and well as he chases the fabled land to the West. An interesting critique from another character.

Even the female-hating/mistrust/etc. seems to have illusions of another layer to it with Dainn's visions of a cow, his mysterious bedmate or at the end with Twilight seeing a soft female face whispering to the 'monster' and commenting on how she fears that more than the monster himself.

And just from the description, I can tell this won't be: Caribou show up, overpower ponies with magic proof armor, something-something Discord, Something-something Crystal Heart, then all stallions save for a few now see their way of living and am now interested in how it progresses from here.

Cheers

This is the intro the canon needed to be given beyond simple cruelty for the sake of cruelty. A genuine grasp of the dark choices of leadership and the king who holds the weight of his very society on his shoulders. A society that isn't remotely perfect, but works and gives reason to senseless violence and cruelty. An enemy you can understand is possibly the hardest one to fight.

9011650

So far, this really isn't what one would call a story of the cannon nor really a reboot I'd say. It's a reinvention, all for the better in my eyes.

Well, yeah - the Redux aims at reinventing Fall of Equestria. It's not a hard reboot like thtiger's Caridoon or BrightDawn's Caribou Raiders. It takes up the elements from the original FoE, discards what isn't salvageable, and then builds on the rest in order to create a working narrative.

Good to hear that you're intrigued by the pale cow from Dainn's and Twilight's dreams. That story element was originally my idea, actually - but Cardinal liked it so much that he decided to take it up and build on it. He does a damn good job with that, by the way. He seems to have an almost intuitive understanding of what I'm aiming for with that idea, and I have to admit that he makes use of it in ways that are a good bit more subtle and intruiguing than my own.

Hmmm... Seems promising. And it's already doing some great and believable background work, not just the usual 'fetish-fuel-and-nothing-else', we have seen.
I'm guessing what caused the exodus was volcanic-event? At least it seemed like that to me. Or will that be cleared up later?

9021039

I'm guessing what caused the exodus was volcanic-event? At least it seemed like that to me. Or will that be cleared up later?

As far as I'm informed, Cardinal plans to take up the version of this event that was already explained a bit in Schorl Tourmaline's story Meet Thy Maker. That one was also pretty much NCN's original idea.

Is it too much to ask that this version not include the horn-cutting and wing plucking?

9021142
Well, have to check that out eventually-

Wow! This is good. It is intimidatingly well done. Makes me question myself as a writer.

9025241

It is intimidatingly well done.

Yeah, we others in the Redux group are seriously concerned by now if we can keep up with Cardinal's level of quality. I know I won't be able to contribute anything on this level unless I somehow manage to improve my writing considerably. Schorl will probably be able to keep up a similar level of quality, but her writing is very different in tone and style from Cardinal's. Schorl and I both offered Cardinal drafts for additional chapters, but my draft isn't really that good and almost certainly won't be used (which is fine, really), and Schorl's is great, but differs so much in tone and style from Cardinal's that he will probably have to rework it quite a bit to make it consistent with his own style, provided he wants to take it up at all.

As I see it, it's kind of a general problem with shared universes.

9026402
Yeah, I say that because I talked to Cardinal and Contral about possibly doing a story for this group that's from the perspective of the Resistance alongside the redux, but the first chapter for the redux is scary good. Like, I'm not 100% I should do it anymore because my ability to write wouldn't compliment the redux at all. Still gonna give a shot though.

9026415
You shouldn't let the fact that there are writers out there who might be better than you stop you from writing a story. I'm also going to continue working on my own stories no matter what. I just realized that I might not be suited to directly contribute chapters to this one.

9026431
You are right, which is why I'm still gonna give this a shot, but the idea my work might be disappointing to the group when they've got such high quality from the redux is still concerning.

By the way...

...why the hell is Dainn's ship called Astringent? :rainbowhuh:

These comments + that description = intrigue. You are getting a lot of praise. I initially thought this might be a low quality grab at the infamy of the title of the original; however that description has got me wondering how you plan to take something so thin and expand it to something grand.
About one of the other comments I saw; I disagree on throwing out the cruelty (horn cutting and wing plucking), those tortures still build the caribou. They just need some rationale; however flawed.

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