1 — The Great Escape, Pt. 1
Dudley landed one last kick on Harry’s chest. “There,” he said with deep satisfaction, “Next time you’ll think twice before snitching to the clerk I snuck that lady’s fiver from her purse, won’t you?”
Harry gritted his teeth and tried to breathe as little as possible. Everything hurt just soo much.
A voice he didn’t recognize said, “Is that the best you can do? What a bunch of tossers.”
“Oi!” Dudley said. “He deserved it, ratting me out to that clerk. I think we did pretty good!”
“Yeah,” came the agreement from his two best pals.
The man, it had to be a man, his voice was too low to be a boy, said, “That’s not how ya give a beating! Look at you. You’re all breathing hard! You wasted too much time and energy in this.”
Of course he wasn’t doing anything to help Harry. The first time an adult sees Dudley’s gang in action and he wants to help them! Harry hated his life.
“Wot? You know a better way?” Dudley said cautiously, not quite trusting that this stranger who had caught them red-handed wasn’t going to start yelling for the bobbies.
“Sure do,” the stranger replied cockily. A pause, then “Wanna know?”
After a brief moment in which Harry could envision the three boys looking at each other came the answer, “Yeah.”
“Okay, you two pick him up.”
Harry felt Piers and Malcolm lift him to his feet, not that he could stand very well.
“Keep a good grip boys, don’t drop him. You.”
“Me?” came Dudley’s voice.
“Yeah. Make a fist, and hit him right here.”
Harry felt a finger poke him just below his ribs.
“Not hard, just a good solid hit.”
Harry tried to brace himself, but it was no use. The blow, when it came, took all of his air out of his lungs. He would have fallen if not for the two holding him. He tried to gasp, his mouth wide open, but couldn’t get any air. It felt like he was drowning and unable to breathe.
Dudley gave a sick sounding laugh, “Lookit his face! He looks like he’s a fish with his eyes popped out and his mouth opening and closing!”
“That’s the solar plexus. Hit someone there and they lose all their air. They can’t breathe. They’re completely at your mercy. Ya see, the lungs drop down below the ribs and hitting that spot forces them closed, pushing out ALL their air. And because the insides of the lungs are wet and sticky, they stay stuck together, it takes a long time, several minutes, before they come apart properly and he can breathe normally.”
“Now, knee him right there, as hard as you can.”
Pain exploded from his groin. He couldn’t even yell in pain, all that came out was a squeak.
“Did you hear that?” Dudley said excitedly. “He squeaked just like a mouse does when I stomp on it!”
“Yeah,” came the man’s voice. “The advantage of hitting him the solar plexus first is that he can’t call for help.” They all laughed. “Now the next target is right here.”
Harry felt a touch on his side towards the back.
“That’s the kidneys zone, one on each side. It’s kinda hard to hit ’cause you gotta angle up a bit as they’re somewhat protected by the ribs. Now, for most people it’s merely painful as hell to get hit there. But this guy, he’s already softened up. A solid hit there and he’ll piss his trousers for ya”
“Really?” came Dudley’s disbelieving voice, followed an instant later by a wave of pain from his side. His trousers suddenly felt warm and wet.
“Cor! That’s cool!”
“Okay, now you try it.”
“Me?” Polkiss said.
Harry felt them shuffle around as Dudley replaced Polkiss in holding him up. He passed out before Polkiss could get to hitting his kidneys.
He came to lying on the ground, face in the dirt. “. . . so if you’re interested I’ll be here next week and we can talk some more about me gang and you joining.” The man laughed, “Maybe even get in a little practice if yer cousin here shows up. Welp, that’s enough for today. Don’t whale on the kidneys or bollocks too much or you’ll put him in hospital for weeks. Ya rupture a kidney and the constables take a right serious look for ya. And the bollocks? Well, too much on them and he’ll never have to worry about kids!”
Dudley laughed, “My folks would appreciate that!” He felt a foot kick him on the inside of his thigh, fortunately missing the target Dudley wanted.
Harry could hear some grumbling from the others, but the two holding him let him drop to the ground.
“And now what?” asked the man. “You just leave him here? Aren’t you worried he’ll tell someone you beat him up?”
Dudley laughed. “Naw. I’ll just tell my folks that he had a falling out with his gang and they beat him up. He knows better than to say different. My folks never believe anything he says.” He laughed again. “If’n Harry said the sky was blue my folks would call him a liar and lock ’im in his cupboard!
The man laughed as well. Then he said, “Well, tell you what, I’ll drag him a bit farther into the trees here so someone in the park don’t accidentally see him and call the constables.”
Harry heard the others walking away, discussing how much fun it had been to beat up Harry and who they were going to harass next. When their voices had disappeared he felt the man grab his arm and drag him some distance. The man mumbled to himself, “What a lark. Here I am visitin’ me cousin and I find those chumps. They’ll make good fall guys come the right time.”
Harry’s trousers, overly large castoffs from Dudley, were slowly sliding down his legs. He was finally getting his breath back and beginning to try to struggle a bit when the man dragging him stopped and punched him in the solar plexus again.
He went out like a light. When he awoke, it was late in the afternoon, and starting to get dark. He hurt everywhere, especially his groin and backside. The man must have kicked him several times just for fun.
He looked around blearily. There, beside his head, were his broken glasses. At least the tape had held. The man must have brought them along, figuring that someone finding just the glasses might report it to the constables.
Getting to his feet was a major accomplishment and took much longer than it should. He wasn’t sure where he was, but it had to be close to the Little Whinging Playground and Park. He couldn’t stay here, though. He pulled his trousers back up and pulled the belt as tight as he could.
At the very least he had to make it to the Durleys’. Even if they hated him, if he was hurt bad enough they would take him to the hospital. At least this time he wouldn’t have to lie too much, he could truthfully say a gang had beaten him up instead of saying he had tripped going down the stairs. He just wouldn’t say which gang.
Besides, he couldn’t stay out here all night, even if he might prefer it. His . . . relatives . . . got upset if he stayed out too late. It reflected badly on them if anyone saw him out late alone. And that man might come back.
One side of the sky was lighter than the other, so he headed towards the sun, figuring that must be west and the park was on the east side of the Durlseys’ house.
A few times he considered just collapsing where he was and waiting to die. Then, at least, he would be with his parents. They may have been drunkards, but he was sure they loved him.
He wasn’t making fast progress as he staggered from tree to tree while trying to keep to the same direction. Fallen tree limbs and trunks that blocked his path made that difficult. He stopped frequently as pain wracked his body. He fell repeatedly, and each time it was harder to get up.
He just wished there was somewhere else besides the Dursleys’ he could go. Miss Figg, his sometimes babysitter was right out. She’d just take him straight to the Dursleys. He wanted somewhere where he didn’t sleep in a cupboard under the stairs, somewhere where he wasn’t punished for things he didn’t understand or for getting a better grade than his lazy cousin. Somewhere where he was safe — or at least as safe as everyone else. Somewhere where he could belong. Somewhere where he was considered normal.
He lurched from the current tree supporting him towards the next but somehow missed it. That was particularly painful for some reason, and he rolled across the forest floor. He could no longer stand upright and had to push forward on his hands and knees. Funny that, he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore. Actually, it felt more like he was crawling on only his middle fingers.
Vaguely, he knew something was wrong. He should have crossed a street by now. Even if he had gone in the wrong direction, he still should have stumbled onto a street or path of some kind. But the light was getting brighter ahead. Eventually he found himself on the edge of a field. He must have gone the wrong direction and had stumbled into one of the farms in the area. And hadn’t it been dark a few minutes ago? Or had the forest fooled him into thinking it was later than it really was?
He collapsed as he reached the edge of the forest. Standing again was right out. In fact, he couldn’t even push himself up enough to crawl on his hands and knees. He started dragging himself forward, pushing, kicking, with his legs. If he got into the field, out from under the trees, maybe someone would see him — the grass didn’t seem to be all that high, he could almost see over it.
He didn’t notice the new scratches and cuts he accumulated doing this. Their additional pain was lost in the blaze of everything else complaining about his treatment.
Finally, he stopped and just lay there in the grass with the sun on his back.
He could go no farther. His legs stretched out behind him and his arms in front.
Oddly, he couldn’t feel his hands or feet anymore. Wasn’t that a symptom of blood loss? Losing feeling in your extremities? Huh, maybe he was dying. Small loss. He wondered if his mother looked like his aunt. He hoped not. Well, he would find out soon enough. At least he would be back with his mother and father. No more Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, or Cousin Dudley to torture him.
He expected to fall asleep, but now that he wasn’t trying to move the pain wouldn’t let him. Rolling onto his side helped only fractionally. Breathing in short gasps helped keep his chest pains down. But everything below his chest was just solid pain. Breathe in, breathe out, not too fast, not too slow. That was all he could think. Nothing else mattered. Breathe in, breathe out, not too fast, not too slow.
It smelled like spring — moist soil and crushed grass. It reminded him of working on Aunt Petunia’s agapanthi, roses, and pansies in front of the house and in the back garden. A good, earthy smell. Funny the things you thought about when you were dying.
۸-_-۸
Sometime later, whether minutes or hours he couldn’t tell, he heard voices. From the pitch he thought they sounded like girls.
“I think it was over here.”
“Naw, it was farther this way.”
“I think it was closer to the trees.”
“How ’bout we form a line starting over thar. Scootaloo, ya'll get over by the trees, but not too close. Sweetie Belle, get over thar on the other side of meh. We’ll walk along the edge of the forest, that way we’ll spot whatever it is easiest.”
“Yay! Cutie Mark Crusaders Search and Rescue!” One of them cheered loudly.
It was quiet for a moment, then, “Look, over there!”
The voices were much closer now. He could hear soft footsteps on the grassy ground.
“I see it!”
“Celestia!” Cried one of them, “It’s a filly!”
Harry tried to move his head, but it was just too much effort.
The voices were right on top of him. “Oh, Celestia,” one of them half-whispered, “She looks terribly beat up.”
A third voice said quietly, “Is she dead?”
Harry struggled to move his head.
“Her ear moved!” The first voice said excitedly.
“She’s alive!” Said the third voice at the same time. “You can see the grass by her muzzle movin’!”
“Look at the blood on her pants, she’s hurt bad! We need to get her to the hospital, fast!” said the second voice. “I’ll go get my sister!”
“Wait Apple Bloom! I got an idea!”
“Well, hurry up Scootaloo, what is it?”
They were so excited they were talking over each other.
“I can go faster than your sister can carry her. I’ll get my scooter and cart and we can carry her there that way.”
“Well, what are yeh waitin’ fer? Get a move on!” Apple Bloom ordered.
Harry heard the sounds of two people running away. Breathe in, breathe out, not too fast, not too slow.
“What should we do?” asked the second voice timorously.
“Use your healing spells?”
“I’m not sure they’ll help. I mean they’re fine for small cuts and such, but for these . . . ,” said the other voice. “I’m not good yet.”
“Anythin’ is better than nothin’, AJ always says,” came the quick reply. “Start with those cuts on her face.”
Spells? Harry thought. Was he dreaming?
A warmness seemed to wrap around his head and a bit of the pain in his face went away. He hadn’t even realized his face hurt that bad until the pain lessened.
“Do ya think it helped?”
“Well, it didn’t hurt.”
“What are those strange clothes she’s wearing? They look more like rags!”
“Less fashion talk and more healin’.”
“Alright, alright.”
“Try each leg separately,” Apple Bloom suggested.
He could hear something coming towards them, a clanking, rattling series of sounds accompanied by a flapping, almost buzzing sound. What a strange noise for a motor to make.
“What took ya so long, Scootaloo?”
“Hey, I ran as fast as I could!”
“Park it here beside her. I think we can get her into it if we work at it.”
He could hear them walking around him. It sounded like six people, but he only heard three talking.
“Sweetie Belle, do ya think ya can lift her?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Uh-uh. As small as she is she’s still too big for me.”
“Uh, how about you lift her head and Scoots and I’ll lift the rest of her?”
“Maybe,” was the uncertain reply.
“Scootaloo, grab her belt. I’ll grab her blouse. Sweetie Belle, try to keep her head up.”
“Eww. Her pants smell like pee.”
Apple Bloom said, “Scootaloo, there ain’t exactly any toilets out here, and she isn’t in any condition to use one anyway. If’n it bothers you that much, I’ll do it.”
Harry felt something grab the back of his collar and lift at the same time something warm wrapped around his head. As Scootaloo lifted him by his belt he could hear a constant mumbled, “Eww, eww, eww.” He couldn’t really hear anything more as waves of pain wracked his body. Breathe in, breathe out, not too fast, not too slow.
It felt like forever, a forever of constant pain, until the three girls finished manhandling him into some type of wagon. They folded his arms and legs to get him to fit lying down on his side. Which was weird, he would have thought they would have placed him on his back. He had tried to open his eyes, but all he could see was the side of the cart. He gave up on that rather quickly, it hurt too much.
“Hey, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said after they placed him in the wagon. “Maybe you should tell your sister what we found. We got ta go right by the house, so why don’t you see if you can find her and we’ll meet you there?”
“Right!” came the quick answer, followed by the distinct sounds of a horse running off.
“Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo continued, “try to keep her head from bouncing around.”
“Okay.”
The next few minutes brought more pain for Harry. And a bit puzzling. He couldn’t figure out what was moving this wagon. That flapping-almost-buzzing sound wasn’t anything like any motor he had even heard before. He didn’t think about that too much as the cart bouncing as Scootaloo dragged it across the field introduced a few new bruises and tortured him with the bruises he already had. All he could do was concentrate on breathing.
Fortunately, Sweetie Belle did manage to keep his head from beating the wagon’s floor like it was a drum and his head the drumstick. Although, he wasn’t sure how she managed to do it as he didn’t feel anyone’s hands or a blanket cushioning him. He did hear the hoof beats of a horse beside him though. For some reason he smelled apples.
Apple Bloom had found her sister, apparently, for when they stopped some time later he heard a woman’s voice say, “Celestia! Ya'll’re right, she is a real mess!”
“Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, yeh take her on to the hospital. Apple Bloom is going to show me and Big Mac where ya found her. She might have had someone with her who didn’t make it out of the forest. Now git!”
Almost immediately he heard three horses taking off back the way they had come, followed a moment later by that weird flapping noise and the wagon starting to move.
“You keep her head safe, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo called from in front of him.
“Uh huh.”
The ride, while still painful, was much smoother now, and faster from the sounds of it. Apparently they were on some kind of a road now.
When Scootaloo started yelling “Gangway! Emergency! Coming through!” at the top of her lungs he realized they must have reached the town. There was a sudden decrease in speed and Sweetie Belle yelled, “I’ll get the doors!” He heard the sound of hoof beats on a wooden ramp and the rolling sounds of wheels on wood. He figured the hospital was at hand.
The authoritative voice of a woman loudly protested, “Hey, you can’t ride that thing in here!”
“Emergency!” yelled Scootaloo, “Hurt filly! Real bad!”
More hoof beats, then, “My word! Bring her over here!” A moment later he heard, “Doctor Well Heart to reception, STAT! Doctor Well Heart to reception, STAT!”
Oh yeah, Harry knew he was in a hospital now. But why were there horses here, he wondered. When he opened his eyes all he could see was the wooden side of the wagon he was in and the ceiling over his head. And it hurt to keep his eyes open, so he just closed them again and concentrated on breathing — in and out, not too deep, not too little.
“What happened?” the reception nurse asked. “You can let her down now, honey,” she said to Sweetie Belle.
Before the other girl could answer Harry heard a horse clip-clop into the room and over beside him.
“Me and my friends, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, were working on our cutie marks — you know, crusading? — when we saw something over by the edge of the Everfree Forest and we thought it was a hurt animal, maybe a deer, so we ran over to see what it was and found her and at first we thought she was dead because of the blood and all the cuts and stuff but then we saw her ear move and saw her breathing so we got my scooter and wagon and brought her here as fast as we could and is she going to die?” Scootaloo managed to say all in one breath.
“I tried casting the healing spell I know, but it’s for small cuts and then I kept her head from bouncing in the cart as we raced over here,” Sweetie Belle added. Then said quietly, “I feel dizzy.” There was the thump of someone sitting heavily on the floor.
The Doctor, meanwhile had been, gently lifting and examining Harry’s head, arms, and legs. Funny that, he could feel his arms and legs moving, but he couldn’t feel anyone’s hands doing the lifting. Maybe he was closer to dead than he thought. He couldn’t find the energy to get worked up over that. He smiled, thinking maybe soon he would see his parents.
“Where’s Apple Bloom?” asked the nurse.
“She took Applejack, and Big Mac to where we found the filly. Applejack said there might have been someone with her,” Scootaloo explained.
“Right,” said the Doctor after a moment, “we need to get her into the examining room there. I’ll lift her.”
Harry expected to feel someone pick him up but instead he just drifted up into the air as a warm blanket of air seemed to move under him. He opened his eyes again, but everything was a blur, although he did see several horses standing around. He wondered where the doctors and nurses were. He closed his eyes again. They hurt and the movements around him were unsettling.
“Nurse, sound the alarm bell. First send the code for the Guard to go to Sweet Apple Acres by Applejack’s old tree-house. Second, send the code for all hooves on deck in-case there are more casualties. If not, it’ll be a good drill.”
“Yes, Doctor,” came the rapid response of a different woman and the clip-clop-clip of hoof beats fading away. Why were they riding horses in a Hospital?
“Here, honey, drink this water. You’re not hurt are you?” said the original nurse
“I’m just tired, I think,” Sweetie Belle said. “I kept her head from bouncing around in the cart while we ran here.”
“That’s quite a distance to run while keeping up a levitation spell, honey, you did very well. Just rest here a bit, okay?”
“Uh huh,” came the tired response.
Any further conversation cut off as the Doctor carried him into another room. He heard a curtain slide as the Doctor gently laid him down.
“First, we need to take off these clothes,” the Doctor said quietly. Harry felt air swirl around first his right arm and then the other as his shirt was cut apart. Moments later, his trousers followed. No loss as far as he was concerned. They were rags anyway, but Aunt Petunia would throw a wobbly anyway over him ruining another set of Dudley’s cast-offs.
Harry could hear the sound of a large bell ringing in a pattern of clangs and quiet. The codes the doctor had ordered, Harry guessed.
“Why is she bleeding there?” came Scootaloo’s voice.
From the slight scrabbling of hooves Harry got the impression Scootaloo startled the Doctor’s horse. “Ah, well, first, you are not supposed to be in here.”
“Ah, come on, I brought her all the way here, can’t I watch?”
“No, I’m sorry, but out you go.” From the clipping, clopping, and sliding sounds Harry got the impression that the Doctor was rather forcefully pushing the girl out of the room. “And, by the way, he’s a colt.”
“What!?” came the startled reply.
After that it was quiet except for the Doctor’s mumbling and the scratching of a pen on paper as he made notes. Oddly enough, as the Doctor moved around Harry, the pains and aches were slowly decreasing. They didn’t go away completely, but he was definitely feeling better. Huh, he’d never had that happen before. Usually it took a couple of hours for that to happen. And he thought he’d been hurt too bad this time. A vague sense of disappointment settled over him. He wasn’t going to see his parents after all.
The quiet didn’t last long as soon there was a flood of hooves entering the hospital in response to the warning bell.
“Ah, Doctor Heart, is this the new patient?”
“Hi, Doctor Horse, he is at that. Quite a mess, really. Two black eyes — multiple orbital fractures — split lip, numerous contusions and lacerations all over, especially the forelegs and chest. He clearly dragged himself in the dirt for quite some distance — need to make sure those are cleaned before we heal them. Some kidney damage, two broken ribs, the rest all have cracks of various sizes, swollen testicles from blunt force impact, and . . . ,” he sighed deeply, “. . . this.” There was a pause, then he added, “Not to mention chronic malnutrition and starvation. Based on his size, his weight is low by a quarter, and his height has been similarly affected, I would guess. No telling how old he is though and what he really should be in weight and height.”
“Found near the Everfree?”
“Yep.”
“That’s a letter to Canterlot and an investigation.”
“Yep.”
They both sighed.
“Keep meticulous records.”
“Oh, yeah, I plan on it.”
“Guards?”
“Haven’t heard back yet.”
“Have you put him to sleep yet?”
“That’s next. He’s almost out already. Wanted to check for head trauma first. That’s about the only thing he doesn’t have. Might as well do it now.”
Harry didn’t hear anything else as he abruptly blacked out.
۸-_-۸
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This has potential.
This is pre-Hogwarts Harry, isn’t it?
Read the synapses it says he gets a letter to hogwarts a year after meeting the cmc.
8859213
Yes, it is.
Looks interesting.
Got a little worried you given him a sex change for some reason, felt relieved when the doc corrected them.
8938266
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2VV84NjvwU
8938266
No, you can't eat this one either
That's a rather accurate description of beating the shit outta someone. Right below the sternum there is a little useless nub of bone; if you hit it hard enough to break it off it can cause serious internal bleeding. It can rupture your lungs pretty bad. Though it does take Bruce Lee levels of strength to do so with one hit.
9026305
For what its worth, that little bit of bone is called the xyphoid process and is a danger point when performing CPR chest compression if you do them too close to the end of the sternum. Like you said, if it breaks off, it can lacerate the lungs, diaphragm, or liver.
Very good intro here.
I liked the way you managed to portray his half unconscious, half delirious thought pattern.
Giving the chapter a slight surreal feeling that fit very well with the situation.
Well done.
Yes! Another competent Harry Potter crossover fic! I'm glad the popularity of Magic School Days inspired more people to write. (I was the editor before my health went downhill)
I really liked the introduction. Very realistic experiences, and far better than any of my attempts at a HiE style intro.
Also,
Did anyone else think of John Mulaney here?
(Oh, for actual canon characterizations of Harry Potter characters, I do believe Dudley would have not gone that far. But I'm pretty lax about things in fanfics. Plot goes before canon in all cases, and it isn't like this AU Dudley is that much of a stretch from canon Dudley.)
Holy shit... It's only the first chapter and Harry's already been beaten half to death by his cousin and raped by some random criminal?
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/447/822/80a.png
ok first most potter cross overs i normal find lacking,
but i am rather impressed with this first chapter i will be reading all chapter up to date.
9050041
That image...what's the original context? I also see slime with eyes behind Rarity; what's up with that?
9040563
Nope; I thought of John Muleaney. ...In actuality, I didn't even know who he is until I Googled him; just wanted to make that small pun.
9058922
Not sure. I assume that it's from one of the IDW comics, but don't quote me on that.
So, AU!Woobie!Fatalistic!Harry, eh? No sure about this.
lovely. always nice to get an expert's advice in any endeavor. Just a little bit of proper instruction and things get much easier. Even thuggery has it's own methodology.
I wonder if they'll find the horcrux in him? One would expect such a thing to show up on magical scans.
Dursleys'
9033622 I accidentally broke it a bit when finding out just how much of a beating my body could take.
What? I was curious! And I found out too!
Also, way to make Harry's introduction vastly more horrible. Seriously, this is a bit of overkill, really.
This is a pretty solid start!
So I realized that I didn't start making notes until a few chapters in so here, have the rest. For this, anything I notice while re-reading and any future chapters allow me to introduce the same system I used when I was checking law abiding pony's Hive-series (which I warmly recommend):
Category 1 (Actual errors)
how much fun it had been
was a major
please note that must is present tense only, for other tenses you need to use 'have to' thus: 'it had to have been'
if it was someone else this would be fine, but since it's somewhere, referring to a location It can't be the Dursleys themselves but must be referring to their house, therefor this has to be Dursleys'
just like aunt and uncle, cousin is technically a title and therefor needs to be capitalized when used before the name it belongs to, thus 'Cousin Dudley'
puzzling is specifically an adjective, not a noun, since you previously were talking about pain (a noun), you cannot simply put an adjective into the same list, I'd recommend using 'And a bit of confusion.'
Category 2 (stylistic suggestions and matters of personal preferrence)
First, I have to mention your use of '. . .' instead of '...', this isn't an issue,I simply personally prefer the latter because the software won't put a line-break in it (which I have seen it do, with your choice). Just thought I should mention that.
technically not wrong, but I find simply using 'warmth' sounds better
really minor thing here, but 'series' implies that the sounds are happening in sequence, which they are not, I'd recommend using 'combination' or 'mix' instead
I'd go for 'lying down on his side, which was weird. He would have'
a similar situation, I'd make it 'flapping, almost buzzing, sound'
the first of to little issues with repetition, in this case, repeating 'as' I'd suggest replacing the first one with 'since' or 'given that'
the same thing again, this time with 'bruises'. I'd suggest replacing 'the bruises' in the second instance with 'those'.
really minor thing, while farther and further are technically interchangeable, both are preferred in certain contexts, specifically 'farther'is preferred and, in fact, more formal specifiacally when talking about distance, while 'further' is generally more common in all other uses, thus 'any further conversation'
Category 3 (Nitpicks and plot problems)
First I'd have to mention that this chapter implies that there is a divergence between the times of day on both sides of the portal, this wouldn't be an issue if your explainations in later chapters didn't actively contradict that, saying that time on both sides runs parallel
two nitpicks here, first: hands: the only beings known in equestria to have hands are minotaurs, (and tirek), all others have either hooves or claws, thos goes so far that in EQG1 Rainbow Dash doesn't know what hands are.
second: on deck: this is a hospital, not a ship, it doesn't have a deck, It might be a simple phrase, but to avoid confusion it might be easier to change 'on deck' to 'on full alert'
While there is no occurrance of it in this chapter, I'll quickly mention that Category 4 is for general comments, questions and remarks outside of corrections.
I know that doing this makes these comments ridiculusly long, so if you want me to move this into PMs, just say the word.
Well, well, well! I stumbled into this when not even thinking of picking up a new story. It’s a good hook, but you knew that. Besides being very competently written, what really impressed me was how you handled the sensation of having magic work around you. By removing the protagonist’s ability to see what’s going on, and sticking 100% in HP’s POV, you managed the sense of touch/feel incredibly well. I’ve never thought of what a healing spell or a levitation spell would feel like, or how the buzz of Scoots wings would sound like with no context to understand it properly. This approach feels innovate. I am giving you an upvote on the first chapter just for this without considering more.
9040563
I think it's actually pretty realistic. Even the best of people will do crazy things if they are told to do it by someone they see as being in charge, and Dudley is definitely not a good person, nor someone who is intelligent enough to realize the consequences of his actions if they are not staring him in the face.
The Milgram experiment is a good example of what people will do when they have an authority figure telling them to do something they find offensive, particularly if they think they will be able to shift blame onto the authority figure if there actually is a problem.
I very much happen to like this first chapter, and I don't know who would say that this is exaggerated as to Harry's pre- Hogwarts life: in canon, Vernon and Petunia were both extremely neglectful and emotionally abusive, while letting Dudley run amok, and a public school were nobody cares. This was just a logical extension: while still kids, some older ganger sees potential in Dudley's gang and teaches them how to be more effective.
Round 3
I will not stop reading until completion
Durleys are fucking assholes. Each and everyone of them. I mean Harry doesn't deserves this shit from them.
9050041
That remark without context, and with that sht-eating grin on that slimeball's face (pun?)... my mind automatically drifts to MLP + anime tentacles...
I will take. the dursleys actions as conan, due to the nature of the books being aimed at young adults, I would wager ther are depths the writer new not to delv to deeply into. Frankly I will view most of this as a more unfiltered look at some of the pain he suffered. Unfiltered for young eyes.
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Don't know if you didn't catch the implication but being beaten to an inch of death and anally raped (pants being pulled off before blacking out, waking up with his groin and ass hurting despite not being beaten in the ass while awake) while blacked out is a bit off cannon yeah. Especially since Dumbledore had people watching his relative safety his entire life.
It's a fanfic though, changes are fine if they have a reason, and they're expected regardless.
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The only person watching Harry prior to the Order of the Phoenix taking up that duty was Arabella Figg, and she said, in HP&OP,
So, no, there was no one watching Harry all the time. Mrs. Figg was NOT watching daily. And Dumbledore obviously knew of the abuse the boy suffered. Maybe this is over-the-top for some people, but this would be totally in character for some of the thugs I have had the unfortunate opportunities to meet. And for the amount of neglect they showed him: cat-flap door for food and near starvation in the summer of 1992 that Mrs. Figg never mentioned to Dumbles? Or, if she did, he didn’t think it mattered.
Eh, not always; I spotted an error in one of my university assignments after I had already submitted it, for example. Mistaking a clear alcoholic drink for lemonade is also a mistake that can't be fixed, and one I accidentally did when I was 10 or so. Damaging or breaking something can also be a mistake, one that can't be fixed either.
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Not to mention that Dumbledore later admitted he knew he set up Harry's life to be a hard one; in Order of the Phoenix Ch. 37, he says to Harry,
In Half-Blood Prince, he tells the Dursleys,
There is no possible way Dumbledore could not know of how terrible Harry's life with the Dursleys was, especially with the sensors he (almost certainly illegally) erected, and placing an orphan with relatives you know will abuse him is a sign of a dangerously disturbed individual. Dumbledore may be a genius in many magical things, but he should not be around children or in any position of power.
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That isn't the case given Dumbledore's actual options. It was either let Harry be with families that couldn't defend him against the remnants of Voldy's forces (who were still active for years after Voldy got exploded), let him get into the hands of Voldy's inner circle (Draco's mother is the most likely person, given the fact that she was of the immediate Black family and is related to Harry by blood), or Petunia.
Sirius? Got thrown into Azkaban because the rat set him up. The Longbottoms? Got tortured into being effectively vegetables. If the Longbottoms didn't become vegetables, then Harry would be living with his Godbrother and have a relatively happy childhood.
Then there is this reddit post that more or less sums up what makes Dumbledore tick. Hell, Dumbledore's worst fears about what Harry's scar is were only confirmed in book 2 via that diary, and he likely tried to find a way to get rid of it just so Harry could be a kid for a little while longer.
Think of Dumbledore of a man with few options and more regrets than one could end in a lifetime and you'll picture Dumbledore's story in the series far more tragically.
Yeah, i see why people would have been upset over this. First sentence of the story and it already goes into "kicking the puppy". Could be it is hip-and-cool to some but you can only start a story once and this one starts with useless and heavy child abuse.
Could be better impression could have been made, maybe it should have been pushed it few sentences down at the least? First impressions do matter in all things.
Edit:
Also looking comments in the early parts of this story i get an impression that people might be mostly objecting due to a feeling of plot being pushed a bit too heavily with the previously mentioned abuse. It happens quite often in stories with strong victim narrative. Personally i think people might be less annoyed about Dursley canon and more just annoyed of strong hand of the author here.
Ouch.
Ok first. I'm n avid harry potter and mlp fan and the abuse discribe done to harry tracks he was badly abused in canon . Second this is only the first chapter and it already has a place in my top ten favorite fics good job so far
I was gonna say... was hoping it wasn't one of those "human male gets transformed into mare because reasons" kind of fics.
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yeah despite dancing around the subject he definitely wasn't treated even decently in the books.
Rereading for I don't even know how many time. Noticed this:
While wale, whale, and wail sound identical, a wale is a noun referring to a plank or ridge of earth. To whale is to beat repeatedly.
Also missing "in the" between him and hospital. Maybe? Wasn't sure if that was deliberate with how the thug talks.
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thanks.
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Basically, Dumbledore is like Ozpin. Trying with all his heart to hold onto the things that he once cared about while also seeking to complete his mission as the Gods originally gave him, only for his beloved to go over the deep end through a grave misunderstanding resulting in him no longer get being open and instead trying to play things closer to the vest afterwards.
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The chess master is only a master of chess until the chessboard gets yeeted.
As for the story itself, eh. I’m just not a fan of the reborn/adopted fanfics. They're just too OC-y for me. Maybe this is one of the better ones but from what I’ve read and skimmed of future chapters, it just didn’t hook me.
All concepts of pure vengeance aside, that man needs to be found and dealt with. What he did will be in Harry's medical records, as well as the location where it happened once they go through the portal. At the very least the information should be turned over to the police.
You never let a child abuser slip through if you can prevent it. Harry survived, but only by luck and his magic. Some other child, or children, may not be so lucky.
The hell was the Adult stranger? Dumbledore sure fucked up the
'keep him monitored and save' part...
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... 
Very true, unfortunately do we know that Dumbledore accidently made sure Harry Potter or his abusers that house him can't be attacked from outside forces.
I guess Discord played the bad guy to save Harry Potter, no better way to get him attention from day one leaving him half dead at Ponyville.
My best guess is that Discord changed the odds of him dying to low despite his physical health being critical.
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I needed to read and hit to like 40-46 chapter to start loving it. Totally worth it and the sequel is getting good from the start with the foundation established.
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I know that feeling, great stories sometimes get me to re-read stuff years later again
10805447
Some of us can't stomach that in detail... This story needs quite some running time before it gets impossible to be resistant to its charm.
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It's over 9000!
Decided to reread this again! Certainly one of my favorite stories on FiMFiction.
Honestly, I don't think the abuse was too much in excess of canon. Dudley and his friends did participate in a game they called "Harry Hunting" and are outright stated to have beaten him up. If anything people tend to understate the abuse that the Dursleys put him through.
9892164
You could have given him to the Weasleys hell you could have given him to Granny Longbottom so Harry Potter would at least grown up with a friend you could have given him to Snape as messed up as that is Dumbledore could have tried taking care of him literally anybody else would have been better than the dursleys he had options and he still decided to give Harry Potter to the worst people I'm surprised the Harry Potter didn't grow up to be heartless and uncaring of others something that actually does occasionally happen to people that suffer abuse I'm surprised that he doesn't suffer from panic attacks or nightmares but when he so easily sacrifices himself it's because he's never had someone to love him what do you think would happen to the Wizarding World had he decided that no one loves him and he should just disappear permanently as in hanging himself or killing himself with magic