• Member Since 13th Jun, 2017
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

PixelMoon


Wherest thou hast gone? Silly filly, we are thee Luna of thee Night. Welcome to our domain, little one.

E

THIS STORY IS UNDERGOING CHANGES AND WILL BE CONTINUED UNDER THE NAME AURORA DAWN AFTER ALL OF MY OTHER STORIES ARE MARKED COMPLETE.


When Ella, a teenage girl on the planet of Earth, makes a wish on a shooting star, she ends up in the world of Equestria as a pegasus pony.

Now in an alien body, Ella must figure out how to live as a pony... while trying to find a way home.


Human tag for the beginning.

Popular 4-15-18!

FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA IF YOU DISLIKE PLEASE TELL ME WHY SO I CAN IMPROVE.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 21 )

keep going.

It's interesting, please continue to write on this

giving sketchy another try huh well good luck

Let see where this goes.

i wish to have wings...
gets sent to Equestria

8867282
where she is a pegasus.

You have a nice start here. But if I could make a few sugestions.

Sometimes it feels like things happens just because. Maybe some context into the situation or even the characters would help. For exemple: What the fight in the beggining was about? Did they do that often? Did Ella go for a ride to escape the argument?

Right at the end, it didn't make much sense for them just to know that they are in a world of ponies. How could they know? Also, why Spike was there? He didn't do anything, he didn't talk and they also just knew that he was a baby dragon. You need to remember that we are observing through the character's perspective, they don't have the knowlege we do, and this kind of thing sticks out.

I don't want to desmotivate you, but I also wanted to give you some constructive criticism.
I Hope you continue to improve on your writing and keep going.

This seems cool, I love transformation stories.

hhhmmm it is good enough to see where you are going with this, I just hope I can like her sisters. Most stories in which three or fourth characters suddenly join the main char, usually have something....bad to them that I can't really enjoy. I will have to see where you are going with it since I can't exactly say what it was that annoyed me.

8867353
I agree with that.
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i also want to ask if they maybe could not know about mlp at all, that would probably make their reactions much more interessting, at least don't let them tell the ponies about the show.

8867283
Yup! time to find a shooting star.

While I do like where you're going with the story, to me it felt somewhat lackluster and bare. There were details I felt like I should have known by the time I finished reading the first chapter at the very least. Details such as, "What are Ella and her sister's appearance?" "What kind of pony is her sister?" "What colors are her sister?" "Where did they land and what does it look like?"

This problem became apparent early on, but one of the most notable moments were towards the end.

Ella's eyes fluttered open to see an unfamiliar figure towering over her.

An 'unfamiliar figure' can be a LOT of things. Cathulu would be quite an unfamiliar figure to see looming over you, and I doubt I'd be going "How are you talking? You're a squid." Admittedly, that example is slightly out of context of what happened, but it does hold the fact of Ella's unnatural calmness and clarity after having gone through what literally just happened to her.

Adding some details here and there to help flesh out the setting, characters, and whatnot could increase the word count of the chapter as well, easily doubling at the least.

Anything else I can think of you did fairly well on, and for that, I congratulate you. The story just needs a touch of polish here and there.

Not bad, I want to keep reading.

One thing I liked is that Ella is introduced by showing things she does, like riding her bike and such, and how that relates to what’s going on in her life. A lot of stories in this genre make the mistake of just having the main character explain every little detail about their life at the start, which gets really boring. Here, I may not know much of Ella’s details, but at least I can sympathize with her.

The main thing this chapter is missing is that Lynae seems to be a main character, but I know nothing about her, or how Ella feels about her. There’s some opportunities to do this here, like revealing whatever she was arguing about, or maybe something important in Ella’s room when she’s drawing. If you can introduce characters by little actions, they’ll be memorable.

Good luck! I think you’re on the right track. :twilightsmile:

I love the beginning, with describing the situation without having to explain it. I think you should make it even more descriptive. Like talk about how Ella shut the door, and what she looked like as it closed under her hand. Where is she looking when she's sighing? Does she look wistful? Bitter? Confused? Describe how she turned around to sit on the porch. Reluctantly? All at once in a huff? Imagine exactly how she'd act in that situation. What kind of porch is she sitting down on? What direction is the sun coming from? Does she dully gaze forward, before turning aside to look at her bike? Does she look beyond it, staring into space until she focuses on it? Tell us what the house sounds like when she gets ready to ride, if they're still shouting, if there are cars and trucks driving down the streets, if there's wind in the trees, or even birds.

Then she can place her feet on the pedals and go riding away.

Um... can you crack your fingers just by stretching them? Most people need to tug on their knuckles with their other fingers. Plus a hoof's kinda like a big finger, so could she crack those? You don't need to change that, just speculating.

Describe where Twilight and Spike are in relation to them. Somewhere far below? On a balcony above? On the other side of a pile of rubble? You only say "next to them" but then they have to call out for her to hear them. Describe the unfamiliar figure, before Ella declares "You are a pony." Remember we can't read your mind, so you have to write down everything we need to imagine, to imagine the same thing as you. When in doubt, describe more! Paint a picture in words!

Or you could write the next chapter. That would be fine too.

Just remember that more description is almost always a good idea. It's really hard to go too far with that. All you have to avoid is describing stuff that doesn't have anything to do with the story. So be like a detective, investigating your imaginary scene, trying to find how different parts of it might be useful to portray what you're trying to say. Like not just "I should describe a bird in the trees," but "Could I show more about Ella's desire to be free and fly, if I describe a bird in the trees? What else could I describe that shows them that?"

lovin' the story so far :heart:

Very interesting, your hook is set.

Now reel it in sis.:heart:

Princess Celesta said she closed that portal thousands of years ago.

Celestial learn how to time-travel? IIRC canon implied that she a little over 1100 years old.

8983563
Different headcannon = different facts.

Some spelling mistakes and grammar problems here and there, but anyway not bad. The characters feel a little flat and there is a bit of a pacing issue but don’t worry you’ll get better at writing. Keep working I like the story so far.

good story cant wait to see more :D

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