• Member Since 4th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Monday

Novel Idea


T

Twilight is summoned to view the world famous "Fashion Mile" as Celestia's Protege but things rarely go the way they are intended and are never simple. Especially when she finds herself completely spell bound by a model who's an entire world apart.


( A MASSSIVE thank you for Starykrow from derpyhooves chat for the image)

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 75 )

Twilight abducting a pony? no way this can backfire for her :facehoof:

Looks like a good start, though I do have to say this: Twilight haven't you learned anything about NOT overreacting.

Interesting story. And interesting that you're turning Fleur into a pony version of famouslt malnourished models.

There are a few spelling errors I noticed when reading through it, some words where letters were accidently rearranged. Sadly, I'm at work so I couldn't note them down or I'd add them to this comment. Maybe when I get home.

I do have to give one complaint on the characterization of Twilight however. While I can see her stunned by Fleurs beauty, I can not see her acting so blatantly just after seeing her. I would expect that from Rainbow Dash, but Twilight? Heck no!
This is especially jarring since it means she more or less darted away from the booth with the Princess in it. The way you write it, it makes it seem like she got out of her seat and darted away the instant the show ended. Meaning she more or less abandoned the Princess without a word. Concidering how she acted in the Want it Need it incident, I find that to be highly out of place no matter what hormones suddenly make themselves known to her.
More of a minor point: If she feels she's in such a rush, then she shouldn't be running either. She have shown that she can remember to use her teleportation spell when under pressure. Instead of pushing through the crowd, it seems more likely that she'd just flash over to where she needs to be.

Still, I will be tracking this to see where you go with it. It's an interesting idea, and it'll be fun to see what you do with Fleur.

57104 Yes please send me a PM with all spelling mistakes so I can fix 'em, I don't have the best talent at editing my own work + I wrote this whole thing last night at midnight :pinkiehappy:

Twilight is also shown as completely forgetting she can teleport as often as she knows she can. I.e. the whole hydra incident.

Her charging off to meet with Fleur may seem out of character but that kind of overwhelming attraction can incite acts which are out of characters; with humans and I can only assume with ponies as well. Having been spell bound like this before I can say that a quiet, polite, self indulged student ( which i am) can suddenly do things they normally never would :twilightsheepish:

Glad you enjoyed it feel free to check out my other works :raritywink:

Well i wonder how she'll react when she wakes up to see Twilight...

Hm. Is this version of Fleur a "Sunny Day Skies" or "Moonbeam" type of Royal Disguise for Princess Luna? Even funnier if Fleur is Celestia using Luna's "clones" ability from Season 1 Episode 2.:heart::trollestia::heart:

well... i have to say i didn't find twilights reaction as weird as the fact that nopony else noticed fleur colapse, you'd think that even after they leave the stage they'll still have ponies around them

57223

By comparing her to other ponies i got the idea that its Celestia, funny how Celestia just disappeared from the story when Lis came in too... :trollestia:

Derpy has something to say for this:

th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/328/4/1/ancient_humans_by_equestria_prevails-d4h7rms.jpg

Just wanted to say that this is a great start! I don't really comment much on stories, but after reading this a few hours ago I couldn't get it out of my head. Please update soon! :twilightsmile:

57318 Twilight's sense of time is a bit muddled she was following Fleur for a good 10 minutes before she collapsed and Fleur was going out of her way to avoid people.

They also let the models out significantly earlier then the audience to avoid mobs :pinkiehappy: hope that helps clarify.

I'm going to be completely honest with you, friend, and only because I want you to succeed.

Overall, the writing was subpar. I noticed in the above comments that you wrote this at midnight, but that should have been reason for you to re-read and fix your many obvious spelling errors the next morning when your mind was not afflicted with fatigue (for example, the difference between "then" and "than"). By the way, let me introduce you to my friend comma. He's a good friend of mine, and I like to use him occasionally to add a little, subtle break in the sentence so that it doesn't feel like it's just one long, drawn-out sentence. Try employing him, eh?

In addition to the above, many of your phrases are clunky and difficult to read comfortably. Notably, your very first sentence, and even a few additional sentences in your first few paragraphs, which are important because they decide if the reader wishes to continue reading.

I could go on, but I feel like I'm overstating my welcome. I don't mean to be totally harsh, mate, but this got hard to read. I kept going because I've yet to read a fic about Fleur, and I've gotta start somewhere. This shows promise, I'll give you yet, but not if you continue as you have been.

Best of luck, and feel free to PM me with any questions.

~Fifth

Well now, what a pleasant surprise this is! I'd been hoping for Fleur stories ever since I saw the latest episode.

That being said, Fifth there does have some good points but I believe that he is being a little narrow by just focusing on the matter of grammar and punctuation. He is right that in that there is a quite a slew of simple overlooked mistakes, such as the numerous instances when you abruptly end a sentence when a simple comma would have done much better to keep things moving smoothly. However, from a purely narrative standpoint this story is actually quite good! A story in way is a blend of many aspects of writing, but undoubtedly narrative is the most important because it is more less what the story is. For example; you have a pretty decent vocabulary and you use it rather well, you also have a rather good attention to detail. Both most often shown when your portraying Twilight thoughts and observations from her perspective. Of course. it also help that you have a relatively unique concept as far as MLP fanfiction currently goes.

And while this story is certainly is certainly not perfect I must disagree with Fifth that your story is subpar, even with its current grammar and punctuation. Compared to the vast bulk of fiction posted on this site this story is by far better than most, so take solace in that. Fifth obviously has some pretty high standards so at least be proud you got his attention, and while our comments may seem a touch harsh we only want you to get better as you go on. Just try to remember at the end of the day, if you'll permit my cliche, another reader is another victory!

I look forward to your next installment!

I'm fairly certain I'm a bit OCD, so there were plenty of errors that jumped out at me. Not enough to make this a story to avoid, mind you; it's actually quite good. There were a few things I would have done different with regards to the dialogue, but not a whole lot.

Your descriptions of things were very well done. Having written various other things in the past (nothing pony-related, unfortunately), I know my own strengths and weaknesses; I'm great with narrative, decent with dialogue, but I'm pretty lacking when it comes to visual descriptions. You, sir, excel in this regard. I'm jealous. :twilightsheepish:

That said, work on grammar and punctuation, keep an eye out for repeated phrases (one or two cropped up in there) and give your dialogue skills a little polish. This story shows a lot of promise and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.

Yay!! New chapter! Keep up the good work, mate!

Yay!! New chapter! Keep up the good work, mate!

Yay!! New chapter! Keep up the good work, mate!

Wow, how magnificent! I was excitedly waiting for the next chapter, and boy did it not disappoint! I liked how you used the picture and incorporated it into a scene; that was a cute and nice touch. Fleur herself seemed...well, so perfectly in-character (despite the fact we really don't know her that well). Her French accent (I think it was French; I don't know any foreign language) was perfect as well, especially how you divided it up between French and normal speech. Twilight's caring feelings combined with Fleur's normal lifestyle and high-class pedicure was a very creative and lovely mix that really helps this story move! Just the thought of romance possibly coming later...ooh, it excites me! I loved this and I really can't wait to see more!

There were errors popping up, like you, for some reason, spelling out sandwich as "sand-which" and Fancy Pants as "Fancy-pants", not to mention a few other minor things. But, besides that, a great job that you should be proud of. Please keep going; you've got my support. :twilightsmile:

82697 Thanks for pointing those out, I'll edit them tomorrow. As the blog says I'm using something new to write so if shit turns up red or autocorrect's odds are i'm not watching /paying attention i tend to have my eyes closed when i right.:pinkiehappy:

Yay!! New chapter! Keep up the good work, mate!


lol But it seriously was! Glad to see Fleur is developing some plot... :trollestia:

82705 I agree with tails, there are just simple spelling and missing word errors holding this back. For example about halfway through the story you used "emancipated" when I assume you meant "emaciated." Besides that its progressing quite well.

Good chap, its quite good, i hope to see more out of this

Twilight's library is now going to get a few additions of french language books... I want to see Twilight talk french, No. I must see Twilight speak french!:twilightsheepish:
I truly wish to see more of this fic.

Not bad.

There's a slight error in the second last paragraph.
'Fleur felt her hut tug in a way'

Ouch, right off the platform that can't be good especialy given that she doesn't even have a healthy immune system to help her through this.

queue twilight sparkle emergency magic saving device :twilightsheepish:

Twilight sparkle to the rescue!:twilightblush:
Love this fic, can't wait to see more.

Another interesting chapter, looking forward to the next one :twilightsmile:

Few small things I noticed:
he sighed and leans back
both of the mare’s good

you need to make them longer i like this story but the chapters feel so short

The only thing bugging me about this chapter is a very minor complaint so I'll just get it out of the way now. Why did Twilight need help to levitate Fleur? We've seen her pull off some truely impressive bits of levitation before, the Ursa Minor insodent, repairing the damn and reshelving the libriary come to mind yet her she struggles with the weight of a dangerously thin modle.

Otherwise this was a great chapter, I enjoyed the fact that the bystander effect was brought into play once Fleur fell, then we have Celestia giving Twilight a wink befor she went off to deal with the media and medical masses outside Canterlot Castle. I think what really got me was the marephene bit. Though Fancypants noting Twilight's crush then lending his own support was a nice touch as well. I wonder what instructions he left for the two of them though?

This is a very unique ship, and it hits home too. I've seen what models do to themselves. It's a horrifying life of self-torture that not even the king of Hell would force on his subjects. Is self-destruction in the name of beauty truly beautiful?

Anyways, Fancypants said it himself. You got my vote, kid. Five stars and tracked.

Wonderful. Just wonderful. I love the unique ship. I love how the characters act and think. I love the flaws. I love the plot so far and where it's headed. I love the dialogue. And I love the little things here and there that really give the story a bit of character and charm to it. Easy five stars, and I can't wait for the next chapter.

/Nitpick-y grammar mode
There's a couple word slips, be it tense or a mistyped word:
"...began the healing magics which she had studied for..."

"...; a feat that he had been unsuccessful..."

"...past but none like Twilight, not to say that there weren’t mares..."

"...looking at how tired and untidy the fashion pony looked only helped to remind her how long this night had become."

"Setting Twilight in her bed and magically pulling her blanket over her he sighed and leaned back..."

There's also a couple sentences that might do with a bit of rewording, but I guess as long as the meaning comes through it's fine.
:twilightsheepish:
--
On the actual chapter, I still love the unique pairing you're writing.
Interactions between characters are fine. The few word slip-ups don't make this any less of a fun story to read.
Already 5 starred and favourited! Only one thing left to say.
I await the next installment!:twilightsmile:

215569 To explain why Twilight needed help allow me to call on the same episode involving the ursa minor: yes Twilight did impressive magic during it, but that is all she did. She was extremely solitary, eyes closed and her hooves literally sinking into the ground. This involves not only lifting a full grown pony ( albeit it a horribly underweight one) and MOVING her great distance, anytime Twilight lifts another pony you see her move ALOT less so I chose to take it as a subtle hint that though levitation is a more basic form of magic the large something is in shape the more concentration it is.

With all the flashing lights from news ponies and everything else around her causing distraction I feel that levitating something the size of a full grown pony would have been an extremely taxing job, and probably would have meant Twilight would have to be semi-stationary.

(:unsuresweetie: also needed a way to get Fancypants in on the two of them, and show more of Celestia's approval :moustache:)

Like i said it was a minor complaint, I guess i just figured that a full grown albeit underweight pony wouldn't have been such an issue but that's just me I think you more then made your case for why she needed help to move her.

I wonder just how much of the spotlight Twilight's gotten herself itno without even knowing it here? I mean not only could she be seen sitting by Celestia's side Twice now she also take immedate action once Fleur falls of the stage. Then rather then taking her to the hospital she moves her to Canterlot Castle to treat her. I don't know how bad equestrian tabloids are but good lord in our world she wouldn't get a moment's rest for weeks afterword. Yeah save princess and cuntry twice? Little recoginition help a high profile modle swapmed by the press, I just love the way media has swayed these days.

I loved it! I really hope you will update with more.

I am loving this story! Fleur and Twilight will make a wonderful pairing. Please continue with this story. It would be a great shame to have it end here...

991273 I have full intent on continuing it AND cleaning up the rough parts

991981
Both of those things are good to hear, because this:

Fancypants gave a chuckle that pulled her away from her half-asleep daze; looking at hour tired and untidy the fashion pony look only helped to remind her how long this night had become.

is very hard to understand. What are you trying to say here? Please don't take offense, but is English not your first language? That's the feeling I'm getting here. You might want to look into getting a proofreader to help out with this. I believe there's a group on this site dedicated to doing just that for other writers. I really like this story and this pairing, but it is in bad need of some polishing. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png

1666444 I honestly don't have time or motivation to edit my own work because I'd never produce anything new; as rarely as it is now. English is my first language, this is just fanfiction I'm doing in my free time on a whim. I'm not making money on this, I'm not doing it for views. I'm doing it cause I have a story I want to tell.

I have a hard time trusting someone to edit my work and honestly all the 'brony' editors I've attempted to work with have been completely negligent or just plain crude and unmanageable.

If you feel you can 'polish it' feel free to download it, polish and send it to me, I'll give it a read over and if all is on the up an up I'll switch them out. I have too many papers to write and exams to study for at the moment to focus on a hobby such as this.

1666444 The update is started though and hopefully over the winter break all my stories will get the much needed resurrection.

I have to ask... Is this Story Dead? I interested in it... but I dont think I can take reading another dead story

2751537 to be honest none of my stories are dead, they all have their next chapters in various stages of completion, I'm just having a hard time focusing atm.

2758549 ok.... cause this story hasnt updated in over a year and a half... so i was wondering... the description alone peeks my interest... but i read 1 dead story... and was SOOOOO Sad:applecry: dont like it when storys go unfinished... so i didn'y want to go through it again

Approved by Celestia's Library

tinyurl.com/llaz5ct

Also, I hope this updates again someday.

Hmm, me thinks Twilight's extra padding will be getting some specific attention later.

And damn, don't it suck being a model sometimes. I'm surprised Fleur is still breathing with how you describe her condition.

Ah, nice to see Fancy Pants is a good stallion here.

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