Affame D’amour.
Chapter 1- A night in Canterlot.
Twilight looked out the right side of the air balloon she was currently flying. Usually such a vehicle would be rendered useless; at the mercy of the winds, but this was no ordinary balloon. It was a special device gifted to her by her Mistress, and Princess: Celestia. It was made of a special substance which could absorb magic easily so it would be easy to control for her; student or not.
At the moment the lavender unicorn was on her way to Canterlot for a very special occasion. Princess Celestia had sent an invitation to Twilight ( by way of Spike, her baby dragon companion) to one of the most popular fashion shows which occurred bi-annually in the upper echelon of Canterlot’s society. “Fashion Mile” a top tier view into the fashion of only the most elite ponies from all over the world. Each day the entire set is dismantled and moved down a mile allowing for a setting change each night for a full week of couture. Now, Twilight did feel a small bit guilty that Celestia had only sent her one ticket, and that it had arrived when she was buys having tea with Rarity so it was impossible to hide it from her. She had of course immediately asked the Princess for a second ticket; unfortunately it was a more private matter between the two being seen in public as Princess and Student.
Most of Twilight’s guilt stemmed from the fact that this made her far happier than it should have. It had been a long time now since she had moved to Ponyville and begun her studies into the magic of friendship; a long time to spent away from her teacher. She could not even begin to hide the joy of spending a week near the Princess (though she knew realistically they would spend very little time together).
Twilight looked over the side of her air balloon down at the mountain side Canterlot; pausing for a moment to take in the beauty of her home. She sighed deeply, it felt comforting for the unicorn to be coming home, but she felt the week apart from her friends would be more than a little difficult (not to mention a week away from her studies!). Rechecking her trajectory she sat back on her haunch and allowed herself a moment of meditation; an art she had been forced to live without in the chaotic swirl that was Ponyville.
An unearthly peace ensnared her soul in a moment of pristine silence; did she really miss the silence so much? She wondered… Life was a great deal more different in Ponyville then her solitary study within Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. There was an unnatural peace about the place; one induced by the magic which flowed so thick through the air.
A deep sigh escaped her lips and she let her eyes open… She would be at the school in just a little over an hour… only an hour more of this magnificent peace before the fashion show would interfere and her life would become nothing but noise and bodies again. Twilight closed her eyes and crossed her forelegs silently… she would use every moment of this peace then before it went away again.
Twilight wished to drink in as much of it as she possibly could before she was once again forced away from quiet meditations.
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The balloon landed directly when Twilight had meant it too; five minutes before the expected time. Better to be early in all things as Twilight had always held a silent mantra; which was her very essence of being. Bowing low Twilight allowed her horn to press against the beautifully cut grass of the Castle’s landing pad; a majestic garden along one of its back walls of meticulously tendered gardens and grass clearings.
Before her was the Princess, Celestia.
“Princess.” Twilight said respectfully keeping her head bowed. In all too obvious awe of her god-like teacher; with her brilliant white coat and wings, magically flowing hair which sparkled like the sky at twilight.
“Oh Twilight, raise your head my faithful student.” Celestia chided in her kindest of voices; a smile erupting from her young student’s lips like it always had before. “Let’s head up to your room.” the Princess said with a watchful smile over her small student, nodding her head towards a young unicorn who had accompanied her to the landing. He nodded and ran up to the balloon’s pit and began loading up all the suitcases on his back (infinitely grateful that there was only three, the last time he had been requested by the Princess was to carry the most ungodly amount of luggage for some prissy white Unicorn).
“Are you sure I brought enough clothes?” Twilight asked as the two began to walk along the beautifully adorned wall. “I’ve never been to a fashion show quite like this before... Rarity took it all under her own wing, you know? She wouldn’t take no for an answer; it was all ‘dress this’ and ‘dress that’. I swear she designed more outfits for me then will be shown at the whole event.” Twilight rambled passionately; as she always did when she caught her stride only pausing when a cheeky chuckle from her mentor interrupted her flow of thoughts.
Blushing she looked down embarrassed at how she had rambled; waiting for her teaches response. “I’m sure you’ve brought more than enough clothes. I personally will be going as is.” Celestia teased; as if she would need to dress up, she was very much as beautiful as the sun. “It must be very nice to have such a caring and loving friend.” she pointed out; reminding her student promptly of her studies into the magic of friendship.
Twilight found herself blushing more, her cheeks almost glowing in the late afternoon sun. Thinking of the beautiful, snow white, Rarity fussing over her like that was extremely satisfying. She gave her Princess a deeply heartfelt nod and a radiant smile that some would say could rival her master’s natural shine.
“Will Princess Luna be joining us for the show?” Twilight asked as the duo came to the spiralling stairs to the upper level entrance to her “tower”. It had been a while since Twilight had seen the younger Princess and she had to admit she was a bit worried.
“No...No I’m afraid not...” Celestia said; her voice changed uncharacteristically. Twilight gave her a worried look. Indeed a shadow passed over that beautiful face which seemed so alien and haunting that it was burned away by the light as quickly as it had come. Twilight silently pondered if it was about the incident last month...there had been a time when there was no moon in the sky... Perhaps the two had a fight and had yet to reconcile. Either way the young student decided that it was not her business until her teacher decided it would be.
“When will we be heading down to the show?” Twilight asked as the door before her parted to the soft lavender glow of her horn’s magic. “So I have time to change and get ready.” she continued to explain; her voice anxious and nervous.
“Well I’ll be going down now to help set it up. You’ll join me for around eight; we’ll welcome all the guests then take our seats in the main booth.” Celestia instructed.
Instructions were good, they were easy to follow; like a lesson plan. It had an almost soothing effect on Twilight; like a long lost drug being reintroduced to her system.
“Yes Ma’am.” she said obediently and went into the room to get prepared as Celestia flew past the luggage pony who had just now reached the bottom of the spiral. It would be a genuinely fun night; of that Twilight was sure.
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Twilight was sure she had never blushed so hard in her entire life. So radiant was her cheeks that they seemed to dim the natural light coming off of Celestia who stood beside her greeting the many guests to the first night of “Fashion Mile”.
Rarity had gone out of her way to leave detailed instructions on which outfit she was to wear each day; how to accessories it, and in some cases how she should walk while wearing certain clothes. Perhaps Twilight had let her go a bit too far...
Tonight was her Gala outfit; Rarity had of course left a rather in-depth note explaining how tacky it would be to be seen in an outfit that had already been worn so she had modified it and included a beautiful tiara which seemed to capture and spread starlight all over her cheeks casting them in a heavenly sparkle.
She was completely unaware of how many ponies she had greeted that night with a polite nod or even a “Thank you for coming!” in a faintly squeaky voice.
There was a gentle caring nudge to her shoulder from Celestia. “You’re doing very good.” she encouraged her student; they had been standing there greeting people in the way of very powerful stage lights that were all too hot. “Let’s go in now.” she instructed and motioned for Twilight to precede her.
The inside of the open topped arena was surprisingly like any other fashion show that Twilight had scene when Fluttershy had become a model, or when Rarity had described them to her. The main difference was that the back and sides near the walkway were open to the background; which tonight was the center courtyard of the Canterlot Castle. It was a beautiful scene really, the marble buildings and flowers all seemed to absorb and reflect the moons light at the stage.
The lights were moving all over the crowd of prestigious Unicorns, Pegasus and Earth ponies with abandon. Twilight sat down in a booth just to the left of the stage next to her Princess. It was an amazingly comfortable seat with a unspeakable view of the stage.
It was then that the lights dimmed. The show was about to begin.
Twilight could hear some Stallion introducing models and lines of clothing but to be honest she heard none of it; now did she hear any of the beautiful music being played by an orchestra in the back corner. All that her senses could take in were the beautiful ponies making their way down the walk way.
Stallion and Mare came one after another; stars sparkled brightly in Twilight’s eyes as she took in all of the beautiful ponies and their outfits. She was not one for fashion but it was absolutely breathtaking the magic that a powerful designer could achieve with an outfit and the right pony.
The show went on for what must have been hours but to Twilight it all seemed to move in slow motion but pass all to quickly in an odd paradox that she couldn’t begin to comprehend.
Just when she thought the show was over the show only just began.
The most beautiful mare that Twilight had ever seen appeared out at the back of the walk from the curtains meant to contain the element of surprise. Her coat was the purest of white; so white in fact that the moon and flowers all cast their reflections upon her making her fur dance and sparkle with different shades: brilliant purples, reds, blues and greens serenaded her underside while the sparkling moonlight pranced across her back. Hair... her hair was the most perfect shade of pink; it dabbled her coat in a reflected rose that would be the most perfect blush. Legs that were long and lanky accented her thin light-weight body and showed all of her magnificent curves flawlessly. Twilight viewed this regal mare as she made her perfect walk to the edge of the path, turning her neck slowly to reveal her “outfit” a un-earthly gemstone hung about her neck cut into the shape of a “Fleur des-lis” which Twilight had noticed was the symbol upon her unmarred flank. With the softest glow of salmon pink her hair parted revealing a chain like crown with a gemstone of the same shape with the same foreign stone; a gem with a purple of the fairest pink.
The walk seemed to last an eternity for Twilight, the unicorn was sure that her heart had stopped in that one moment as she viewed this epitome of ponydom. But the endorphin induced slow-motion drifted away as the beauty turned and walked away; swaying her body more seductively than any mare had a right to.
The cheering was absolute; save one. One pair of hooves was too stunned to be able to show the same cheer and joy. One heart had been pulled so much harder than all the others. Twilight did nothing in that moment but stare; awestruck.
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Rushing from the booth before anypony else had begun to move Twilight was up the aisle and outside quicker then she had ever known herself to move. The models would all be moved out first so as to avoid the adrenaline driven crowd; upper echelon of Canterlot or not they were just as susceptible to the primal urges when faced with such beauty.
Twilight had little idea what she was hoping would happen as she dashed out into the herd of ponies; looking for that one unicorn.
A glimpse of beautiful rose and she was off through one of the many hedged pathways which dotted the courtyard. The occasional view of pure white coat kept her charging on; her breath caught in her chest viciously.
There she was, walking just ahead of Twilight. The unicorn pulled into a small clearing near the edge of the courtyard and paused for a moment to view the beautiful pony.
But something was wrong. The thing, tall mare was shaking almost uncontrollably and though from the angle she was in Twilight could not see her face there was a deep release of steam from her face with each breath as if she was heating up.
“H-hey are you oka---” Twilight started when the beautiful mare collapsed to the ground shaking.
Rushing to her side at full gallop Twilight pressed a leg against her forehead. A fever; she was very hot; putting her ear to her chest Twilight listened for her heart beat.
It was weak and sporadic.
Panic sunk in first, a million questions ran through Twilight’s mind as she tried to figure out what was wrong, what had happened. But then her studies came in. Up close the pony beneath her seemed malnourished and thinner then she had on stage; Twilight could almost see her ribs.
“Probably just exhausted...” Twilight said having done a year or two of intense medical study (which for her was something beyond anything a normal pony could conceive). Using her magic she gingerly lifted the mare onto her back, hoping that she was tall enough to not drag the strange goddess across the dirt as they walked. Twilight knew she had to get her home and plugged up with an IV, maybe run some tests on her to make sure that it was just malnourishment and not something like drugs...
“Well...” Twilight said as she stealthily made her way up the castle carrying the unconscious mare on her back. “It’s been one hay of a night.” she whispered to no one but herself as she magicked her door open. Lifting the other inside, she set her horn a motion, the room filling with her lavender magic.
Twilight abducting a pony? no way this can backfire for her
^This
Looks like a good start, though I do have to say this: Twilight haven't you learned anything about NOT overreacting.
Interesting story. And interesting that you're turning Fleur into a pony version of famouslt malnourished models.
There are a few spelling errors I noticed when reading through it, some words where letters were accidently rearranged. Sadly, I'm at work so I couldn't note them down or I'd add them to this comment. Maybe when I get home.
I do have to give one complaint on the characterization of Twilight however. While I can see her stunned by Fleurs beauty, I can not see her acting so blatantly just after seeing her. I would expect that from Rainbow Dash, but Twilight? Heck no!
This is especially jarring since it means she more or less darted away from the booth with the Princess in it. The way you write it, it makes it seem like she got out of her seat and darted away the instant the show ended. Meaning she more or less abandoned the Princess without a word. Concidering how she acted in the Want it Need it incident, I find that to be highly out of place no matter what hormones suddenly make themselves known to her.
More of a minor point: If she feels she's in such a rush, then she shouldn't be running either. She have shown that she can remember to use her teleportation spell when under pressure. Instead of pushing through the crowd, it seems more likely that she'd just flash over to where she needs to be.
Still, I will be tracking this to see where you go with it. It's an interesting idea, and it'll be fun to see what you do with Fleur.
57104 Yes please send me a PM with all spelling mistakes so I can fix 'em, I don't have the best talent at editing my own work + I wrote this whole thing last night at midnight
Twilight is also shown as completely forgetting she can teleport as often as she knows she can. I.e. the whole hydra incident.
Her charging off to meet with Fleur may seem out of character but that kind of overwhelming attraction can incite acts which are out of characters; with humans and I can only assume with ponies as well. Having been spell bound like this before I can say that a quiet, polite, self indulged student ( which i am) can suddenly do things they normally never would
Glad you enjoyed it feel free to check out my other works
Oh jeeze...
Twilight...
Well i wonder how she'll react when she wakes up to see Twilight...
Hm. Is this version of Fleur a "Sunny Day Skies" or "Moonbeam" type of Royal Disguise for Princess Luna? Even funnier if Fleur is Celestia using Luna's "clones" ability from Season 1 Episode 2.
well... i have to say i didn't find twilights reaction as weird as the fact that nopony else noticed fleur colapse, you'd think that even after they leave the stage they'll still have ponies around them
57223
By comparing her to other ponies i got the idea that its Celestia, funny how Celestia just disappeared from the story when Lis came in too...
Derpy has something to say for this:
th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/328/4/1/ancient_humans_by_equestria_prevails-d4h7rms.jpg
Just wanted to say that this is a great start! I don't really comment much on stories, but after reading this a few hours ago I couldn't get it out of my head. Please update soon!
57318 Twilight's sense of time is a bit muddled she was following Fleur for a good 10 minutes before she collapsed and Fleur was going out of her way to avoid people.
They also let the models out significantly earlier then the audience to avoid mobs hope that helps clarify.
I'm going to be completely honest with you, friend, and only because I want you to succeed.
Overall, the writing was subpar. I noticed in the above comments that you wrote this at midnight, but that should have been reason for you to re-read and fix your many obvious spelling errors the next morning when your mind was not afflicted with fatigue (for example, the difference between "then" and "than"). By the way, let me introduce you to my friend comma. He's a good friend of mine, and I like to use him occasionally to add a little, subtle break in the sentence so that it doesn't feel like it's just one long, drawn-out sentence. Try employing him, eh?
In addition to the above, many of your phrases are clunky and difficult to read comfortably. Notably, your very first sentence, and even a few additional sentences in your first few paragraphs, which are important because they decide if the reader wishes to continue reading.
I could go on, but I feel like I'm overstating my welcome. I don't mean to be totally harsh, mate, but this got hard to read. I kept going because I've yet to read a fic about Fleur, and I've gotta start somewhere. This shows promise, I'll give you yet, but not if you continue as you have been.
Best of luck, and feel free to PM me with any questions.
~Fifth
Well now, what a pleasant surprise this is! I'd been hoping for Fleur stories ever since I saw the latest episode.
That being said, Fifth there does have some good points but I believe that he is being a little narrow by just focusing on the matter of grammar and punctuation. He is right that in that there is a quite a slew of simple overlooked mistakes, such as the numerous instances when you abruptly end a sentence when a simple comma would have done much better to keep things moving smoothly. However, from a purely narrative standpoint this story is actually quite good! A story in way is a blend of many aspects of writing, but undoubtedly narrative is the most important because it is more less what the story is. For example; you have a pretty decent vocabulary and you use it rather well, you also have a rather good attention to detail. Both most often shown when your portraying Twilight thoughts and observations from her perspective. Of course. it also help that you have a relatively unique concept as far as MLP fanfiction currently goes.
And while this story is certainly is certainly not perfect I must disagree with Fifth that your story is subpar, even with its current grammar and punctuation. Compared to the vast bulk of fiction posted on this site this story is by far better than most, so take solace in that. Fifth obviously has some pretty high standards so at least be proud you got his attention, and while our comments may seem a touch harsh we only want you to get better as you go on. Just try to remember at the end of the day, if you'll permit my cliche, another reader is another victory!
I look forward to your next installment!
I'm fairly certain I'm a bit OCD, so there were plenty of errors that jumped out at me. Not enough to make this a story to avoid, mind you; it's actually quite good. There were a few things I would have done different with regards to the dialogue, but not a whole lot.
Your descriptions of things were very well done. Having written various other things in the past (nothing pony-related, unfortunately), I know my own strengths and weaknesses; I'm great with narrative, decent with dialogue, but I'm pretty lacking when it comes to visual descriptions. You, sir, excel in this regard. I'm jealous.
That said, work on grammar and punctuation, keep an eye out for repeated phrases (one or two cropped up in there) and give your dialogue skills a little polish. This story shows a lot of promise and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.