Holy Crap it's a Lawnmower in Equestria!

by TheMajorTechie

So that happened.

Author's Note:

Badly written on purpose because honestly, I feel like kludging my way through this anyways.

So then. Apparently mowing the lawn isn't quite as easy as it seems. Especially considering how I'm currently cutting grass with a pair of safety scissors. Not exactly the most fun of tasks, y'know?

Now, you may be wondering exactly why and how it came to this. I really can't say anything other than the fact that a FREAKIN' PORTAL ATE MY LAWNMOWER. Geez, was it rude for that hole in the ground to open up like that while my back was turned. All I know is that when I turned back, the handlebar of my lawnmower was disappearing into a swirly rainbow portal of doom.

So yeah. That happened. Though, I can't help but feel like something else is missing as well. Like, something that's part of me... eh, who cares anyways? It's not like I lost a bit of my soul or anything. Right?

---

"OH GEEZ OH GOSH OH CRAP WHAT'S EVEN GOING ON WHY DO I FEEL SO WEIRD HOLY COW IM A TALKING LAWMOWER AND--"

The inane screams of the now-sentient lawnmower filled the air as it hurtled down into the very center of Ponyville... more specifically, Derpy's mailbox.

CRASH!

Triumphantly, the lawnmower sat smoldering atop the crushed mailbox, a smug grin on its horrifically horrifying pony face. Why? Because up until that point, mailboxes happened to be rather annoying to mow around.

"Ooh!" Derpy cried from inside her house, "The mail's here!"

The mailmare proceeded to rush outside, only to realize that she herself would've been the one to deliver the mail... to herself. Except, there wasn't even a mailbox left to deliver mail to herself in. In its place, was a flaming lawnmower that was currently screaming at the top of its nonexistent lungs.

"HOLY CRAP." Derpy yelled, staring at the screaming lawnmower, "IT'S A LAWNMOWER IN EQUESTRIA!"

"HEY." The lawnmower yelled back at the mare, "THAT'S MY LINE!"

The two continued to bicker for the next five minutes over whose line was whose.

Finally, with a defeated rev and a puff of gasoline fumes, the lawnmower stormed off, leaving Derpy triumphant in the argument.

---

Applejack was having a good day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the tank was clean, the trees were growing, and just for once, it seemed as if Ponyville was at peace.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR--"

The mare's ears perked at the odd noise. Nevertheless, she shook away any thoughts of monster invasion for the day, and continued her work.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR--"

And here, we see the Lawnmorphicus Humanis Poner stalking its prey. Slowly, it creeps up on its unsuspecting victim-- an orange Appul Pone.

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM--" The lawnmower, from now on referred to as LawnPo, shouted as it barreled over the apple-littered ground.

"Mah apples!" Applejack cried, pursuing the crazed LawnPo, "Git back here ya lil' critter!"

"No!" LawnPo shouted back, rumbling into the distance, "Somebody get me outta this insane technicolor world of horses!"

Just before the lawnmower was able to get away with a cackling laugh and a mower bag full of shredded apples, a pink figure landed with a thud before it. (Or is it him? I mean, the thing is only alive 'cause part of some random dude's soul got stuffed into a lawnmower and displaced into Equestria...)

"You're new here." Pinkie deadpanned with a gruff voice, spitting a bare lollipop stick on the ground, "You need a proper... introduction before you may continue..."

LawnPo backed away, its wheels jittering as a bit of motor oil dripped onto the cobblestones underneath. "Wh-what do you mean?" It stammered, staring up at the mare with its horrifically deformed blob of a face.

Dramatically, the mare smacked a slip of paper onto one of LawnPo's wheels, and proceeded to bounce away.

"Aw, what is this, a parking ticket?" The lawnmower grumbled, diverting its gaze to the paper. "Wait... this ain't no ticket, this here's a party invitation... and the party's for... me?"

---

"WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA!" Pinkie screamed, bursting from behind a conveniently-placed block of convenient hiding places... thing.

"Gah!" LawnPo screeched in return, spitting a fistful of dandelions at the mare. "What'd you do that for?!"

Pinkie shrugged. "It's a surprise party. You're supposed to be surprised."

"Well." The lawnmower deadpanned, "You certainly surprised me. Yaaaaaaay you."

"Yup!" Pinkie squeaked, grabbing LawnPo by the handles. "Now it's time for you to meet your new friends!"

"Pls no."

Pinkie froze for a moment, turning to the lawnmower. "What was that?"

This time, it was LawnPo's turn to freeze. "Um. I said... uh, freeze cone?"

"What's a freeze cone? Oh, is it a new kind of ice cream?!"

LawnPo nodded slowly, a metallic squeaking noise groaning from every part of it.

"Okie dokey!" Pinkie squealed, returning to her usual bouncing.

SUDDENLY, LIGHTNING STRIKES!

...

...

"...LawnPo, did you summon those lightning bolts?"

LawnPo proceeded to shrug the best that a grossly-deformed lawnmower-pony hybrid could shrug.

In other words, LawnPo shrugged.

Because he didn't know.

Why is this narration getting more awkward than me in one of my preschool plays, I don't know.

...

...

Don't you hate when writer's block hits? I certainly do.

...

...

"HENLO P0N13Z." LawnPo boomed as Pinkie slammed the door open before it. "ALLOW ME TO GRACE YOU WITH MY PRESENCE AND MY AMAZING 1337-5P34K."

Everypony groaned, both from the nauseating gasoline odor emanating from the lawnmower, and the fact that it was already so irritating.

Lightning struck again, hitting LawnPo square in the face. As the resulting smoke and ozone cleared up, a shimmering form emerged from where the lawnmower once stood.

"I..." LawnPo began, looking itself over, "I think I'm a god now?"

Everypony shrugged at the now-glowing LawnPo.

As for the lawnmower itself, LawnPo ascended to the high heavens above, the clouds parting as the lawnmower rose higher and higher into the air, an overly dramatic lightning storm accompanying the ascension.

LawnPo proceeded to fall from the sky, hitting every possible obstacle on the way down.

And just because the author had no idea what else to write, one final bolt of lightning struck LawnPo, reviving the darn thing.

Comments

[Viper Pit]

somepony put that thing out of its misery

[Boof Man]

This is painfully glorious.

[Punk]

There comes a point where something is so conceptually bankrupt that it becomes good.

[FTR2017]

I'm faving and thumbing it up, just because of its weird-ass premise.

Only thing that would've improved upon it would've been having a scene showing the mechanic that last checked the lawnmower be either a)The Merchant in his non-convention part-time job, or b)a random Displacer - both muttering about how they lost that piece of engine for that Starscream model to sell to an unsuspecting shmuck.

*wink-wink*

[Black Kyurem]

Could be worse. Could have been those possessed killer lawn mowers from the Blue Brothers video game for the Super Nintendo.

[Fuzzyfurvert]

A story about a guy displaced in Equestria as a lawnmower.

So you're saying he's The Lawnmower Man, crappy CGI and all?

[Berry Delight]

Start reading this... hear someone's lawnmower turn on...

[TheMajorTechie]

8978171
HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE...

[Zaten the Changeling]

. . .
I love it!

[Russian Bank Teller]

8978226
Are you Brazilian?

[TheMajorTechie]

9013019
Nope.

[TheMajorTechie]

9013019
I'm Asian. 1/8 Vietnamese, 7/8 Chinese.

[Russian Bank Teller]

9013056
Its a joke.

[TheMajorTechie]

9013060
Ah.

[Russian Bank Teller]

9013065
http://polandball.wikia.com/wiki/Brazilball

[TheMajorTechie]

9013078
Countryballs!

[Russian Bank Teller]

9013080
HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

[TheMajorTechie]

9013083
Wow.

[Milo_Chalks]

Hey there! I have reviewed this fic as part of the Reviewer's Cafe. Please find your review here.

Thank you for submitting your story and I sincerely hope we see you submit again!
-Milo

[Twilight Connor]

This is pure beauty.