• Published 5th Apr 2018
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The Philosophical Substitute: Discord - CrackedInkWell



After the events of "Discord Teaches Philosophy," the Spirt of Chaos takes up the role of a Substitute. However, after spying on the main teacher, he decides to step in.

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Lesson 1: Welcome to the Symposium

Author's Note:

Final Warning: The following story you are about to read contains Philosophy in Plain English. If you do not like one or both of those things, you know where the exit button is.

The Headmare for the School of Friendship and Discord both came to a compromise. That Discord, while he refused the title of Professor, will stand in as the Substitute teacher over Philosophy. Another main teacher, Professor Forethought would take up a majority of classes while Discord would only step just in case something happened. It gave the ex-Lord of Chaos plenty of time to go about his life but when duty called, he’d spring into the classroom to teach the next day.

Forethought was accepted by Twilight based on his qualifications and degrees that he received from other schools. If anything, at least to Discord’s mind, he even looked the part too. Old, wrinkled, and had a white mane with glasses that spoke in a slow but eloquent Trottingham accent.

Normally, Discord wouldn’t mind the arrangement, even being outright comfortable to take this laid-back job. Normally, if it weren’t for the fact that Professor Forethought had the unfortunate tendency to send his students to La La Land. Discord knew this because he disguised himself as a bird once and observed how the other teacher taught his lessons. As it turned out, Discord found himself falling asleep in a matter of minutes. An impressive feat, he admitted to himself, but his students seemed to be dreading just walking in.

This is getting ridiculous, even by my standards.’ He thought to himself as he left his perch. ‘If this guy is able to put me to sleep, what chance do they have for learning anything interesting?’ Of course, he decided that he had to do something. A snap from his talons took care of that.

By the end of the day, Discord was summoned by Twilight due to the fact that Professor Forethought had come down with a cold. She detailed his lesson plans for the next few days, but luckily for him, he was already prepared for this.


“Is it too late to say that I preferred the other guy over Forethought?” Smolder asked her fellow classmates, who carried their books and binders on their backs.

“Yeah, whatever happened to him?” Gallus wondered aloud. “Professor Fluttershy said she would put in a good word for the nutcase.”

“Did Discord get job?” Yona inquired but the rest shrugged.

“I haven’t heard a word.” Sandbar confessed, “You know I’m shocked that we haven’t seen him around for the past week. He was really good at it too,” he sighed.

Before any of them knew it, they arrived at the door of Room 256. With a sigh, Ocellus took hold of the doorknob, “Let’s just get this over with.” After she opened it, she along with her friends were taken aback that the classroom that had been made up of desks, a chalkboard in desperate need of cleaning and a dusty, half asleep teacher was replaced by a banquet. The setting was very surreal in the notion that while space, where this was taking place, was in the clouds, as everything from the table to the columns was made out of the white, fluffy substance, it was also populated by classical Pegasi statues. Each one wearing a flowing toga, reclined black as they gobbled the food or gulped down cups of wine that was being passed around. In the center of this scene that sat next to a fire pit was a statue of a musician that plucked a lyre with the feathers of his wing.

The only exception to this curious party was one in the back, of whom all six instantly recognized. Discord too was wearing a white toga with one arm wrapped around a statue, laughing, while raising a cup in the other. He spotted the awe-struck students.

“Ah! You’re here!” he smiled. “You’re all just in time. Come in! Come in!”

“Mr. Discord?” Smolder asked as she flew over to him, as she did so, a toga suddenly materialized on her, but she didn’t notice this at first. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll explain, but all of you, come in!” He waved over to them. “There’s plenty to go around. Grab a reclining couch, have some food, there’s much to discuss.”

Sandbar and Yona both hesitated while their winged friends stepped through on the clouds. They saw that as soon as they stepped through, they too found themselves to be wearing the same flowing robes as everyone else there. “Uh… Mr. Discord,” Sandbar said. “We can’t walk on clouds.”

“You won’t fall, I promise you.” Their teacher told them. “After all, it’s bad policy to murder your students, for they won’t grow up to learn anything. Everyone knows that. But don’t worry you two, just come on in, we have much to talk about today.”

Yona was the first to carefully reach out to feel out the cloud floor. The Yak found that it was not only soft, but it was solid too, like touching a bed with fine sheets. As she stepped through she found that not only was she was able to stand without falling through the clouds, but a white toga also appeared on her.

After Sandbar followed her example, the students made their way over to Discord where they found there were a few couches that were waiting for them.

“So what’s with the party?” Silverstream asked as one of the statues offered her a tray of grapes.

“I’m glad you asked.” Discord smiled, “Because this here isn’t your typical college toga party that’s only used as an excuse to get wasted, but a symposium.”

Gallus tilted his head. “What are you supposing?”

This got a chuckle out of their teacher. “No, not that kind of supposing. A symposium is an ancient Pegasi tradition - it’s a banquet for celebration. It’s also to introduce young teens like yourselves into society or something along those lines. Think of it as a glorified dinner party that served as a forum for anything from drinking to entertainment. But it’s in this setting that today’s lesson is going to take place.”

With a snap of his lion paw, clay baked cups appeared in their student’s appendages. “Don’t worry,” he whispered to them. “It’s not really wine but grape juice. Due to all of you being underage for drinking. And also so Twilight won’t get into a hissy fit over it.

A statue carrying a jug came up to the students in which he poured their glasses. “Mr. Discord,” Sandbar spoke up after his cup was filled. “Before you get to your lesson, how come we haven’t seen you up until now?”

“That’s because I’m your designated substitute teacher. Your Professor has caught a cold and I was asked to step in until he gets better. But anyway, I guess by now you’re all wondering what this is about, right?” They nodded. “So as your Sub, I will not only planning on teaching Philosophy in plain Equestrian, but whenever I do teach, you’ll never hear me say things like Stoicism, or Marxism, or Life’s-too-pointless-so-why-not-just-kill-yourself-ism. If anything, from here on out, all those complicated ‘Isms’ are best to be set aside.”

“Thank you!” his students chorused.

With a smile on his face, Discord began.

“For today’s lesson, I’m going to take up the role of the very father of philosophy, also known as the Pegasi Empire’s most annoying citizen who ever lived - Socrates. And you, my students, are going to be learning two lessons from him: how philosophical thoughts are constructed; and how we ought to live.”

“Annoying?” Ocellus raised her hoof. “What do you mean by that?”

“Have any of you ever met a child, a really young one at that, who comes up to you to ask a thousand questions like: ‘How come you can’t get electricity from wood?’ ‘Why can’t some animals talk?’ ‘How much does the moon weigh?’ ‘Why isn’t the sky poke-a-dot?’ ‘When is daddy going to wake up from his dirt nap?’ You know, the one that asks you all these questions and you don’t know how to answer them other than, ‘Because that’s how it is?’

His students nodded. “Well, if you could also imagine that same child that had grown up into an old stallion, but still had those same annoying questions, that there was Socrates in a nutshell. Only, he’s not being Mr. Nitpick just because, rather he’s doing it to see if anyone knew what anything was and why.”

Yona raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t that get pony in trouble?”

“For Socrates? Oh yeah, at the time he was found guilty and condemned to death for blasphemy and ‘corrupting the youth with dangerous ideas.’” Their teacher snorted. “But regardless, he is considered as the father of Philosophy because he devised a method of thinking that is still in use today. In fact, the best way to learn it is to do it.”

“So how are you going to do that?” Sandbar asked.

After craning his neck over at the party, Discord told his students that a change in scenery would help them out. One sneeze later, they found themselves falling through the floor and into a potter’s workshop. Giving his students a moment to recover from their heart attacks, their teacher gestured over to the equally stunned potter.

“Oh don’t mind us,” he said. “We’re just dropping in for a minute. Go on, back to your work.” Hesitant at first, the pony, while keeping an eye on the strangers, took up a lump of clay to set it on a spinning table. “Let me ask you all this: have any of you came up with an idea that ends up being faulty?”

Silverstream raised a claw, “Ooh! Ooh! Like this one time that I had this idea of getting a shark for a pet, but my Auntie said no?”

Discord blinked, “Yes… But does anyone know why we have those ideas that don’t work?”

His students thought it over for a minute, “Because…we don’t think hard enough about them?” Sandbar asked uncertainly.

“And bingo was his name-o. And for that, you get this surfboard!” A flash of light later and the pony found that he was laying on a surfboard.

“Awesome! But we don’t live anywhere near the ocean.”

“Not yet anyway.”

“What?”

Discord waved a claw. “Anyway, you are right on that regard, it is because that we tend to think that you can come up with a good idea, or form an opinion on the spot without thinking too hard. If you ask Socrates, not only would he call it stupid, but insane too. When asked why, he used a metaphor of a potter in making clay, waterproof pots.”

Six pairs of eyes turned to the pony that was molding the lump until it was not only spherical but dead center of the table.

“If a potter hopes to make a high-quality pot that is good enough so that water can’t flow out from any cracks, he has to follow a series of steps from lumpy mass to masterpiece. This guy has to take some good quality clay, get it centered, spin it, rub his hooves over until it’s smooth before finally pushing in a hole to create not only the inside but the very shape of the rim. Our friend Socrates said that thoughts should work in the same way.

“It goes like this: First, look around for ideas that, on the outside seem like common sense. Like, say… ‘The best ice-cream flavor in the world is Snobberies.’ Or ‘Magic solves all the world’s problems.’ Next is to find if there are any exceptions to this way of thinking, such as ‘Could it be possible to find a better flavor of ice cream?’ or ‘Can problems be solved without the use of magic?’ If you do find exceptions then that means the statement is either false or imprecise, and as demonstrated with both examples, there are flaws. Then you retune the idea to accept the flaws, like ‘It is possible that some other flavors might be tastier.’ Or ‘Magic is useful but not always necessary.’ Finally, you repeat this, try to find other exceptions to these common-sense statements as long as you can until you iron out all the flaws, which is where you will find the truth.”

“That’s easy!” Yona nodded. “Even Yona gets this.”

“That’s the great secret of philosophy,” Discord said as his couch, along with his student’s, spread wings in which they flew away from the potter’s shop that still has a hole in its roof. “Everyone thinks that in order to be a Philosopher, you have to spend years of reading unreadable books, endure mind-numbing classes, get a degree from a stuffy university that you won’t be able to get until you’re in your seventies and then repeat the same process over to the next poor generation. In reality, however, that’s not really true. What Socrates said was that anypony can not only become a philosopher but has the responsibility to think for themselves.”

“Really?” Ocellus said in surprise, “Anypony? Even us?”

“If you can think critically, then yes. No reading or dusty lectures required. Although, taking Philosophy will help you understand where certain ideas and ways of thinking come from. So to test this out, I want to ask you six a simple question.” Discord said before tilting his head back and dumping a river’s worth of juice into his mouth. “If you had it your way, what is the way that we ought to live?”

Smolder, who up to this point had been quite now speaking. “Well, that’s easy. We ought to live to have fun, sleep, eat and have good friends around us.”

Discord raised an eyebrow, “So in other words, you think that to live, we ought to be happy by seeking pleasure?”

“Yeah! Exactly.”

Their teacher turned towards his students, “Well? Is she right?”

Yeah… I’m not buying it.” Gallus said before taking a gulp from his cup.

Ocellus raised an eyebrow, “Why not? It sounds reasonable to me.”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but from what I’ve experienced in life, it’s not always about having fun. Back in Griffonstone, there’s nothing to do there but work and be miserable. Because at least griffons know that even if you do get to have fun, it won’t last.”

At this point, their winged couches had returned to the clouds as they flew through ancient Cloudsdale. “Gallus has a point,” Discord said. “While having fun is enjoyable, it’s not exactly realistic. You could be a thrill seeker all you want, chasing after pleasure and adrenaline to your heart's content, but eventually, that’s going to end.”

“But that’s…” Sandbar was about to say but trailed off.

Gallus the Gryphon raised an eyebrow, “Yes?”

“Remember Sandy,” Discord reminded him. “This is a Symposium, a forum for ideas to flow as freely as our grape juice. So please, what were you about to say?”

With a sigh, Sandbar said, “I was just gonna say that’s not entirely true either. I mean, sure life can sometimes suck, but it’s not entirely bad either. It’s just as possible to be happy as it is to be miserable.”

“Maybe it’s place where creature from.” Yona wondered aloud. When asked why she responded. “For Dragon, life can be fun. For Gryphon, life waste of time. But for Pony, life is both.”

“Uh, does it matter where you’re from?” Ocellus questioned. “So what does it have to do with the question of how we ought to live? Mr. Discord wasn’t asking if where you live makes you happy, but how do we, as individuals should live. However, I guess the only way to know that is if you yourself know what that means.”

There was a loud fanfare of trumpets that poked out of the clouds. “And we have a winner!” Discord took hold of Ocellus’ hoof in triumph. “That is exactly what Socrates himself had advised. For that, here’s your reward!” With a snap of his paw, the students found themselves sitting down in a darkened theater with Ocellus at a podium on stage, while fireworks blazed behind her. To add to the scene, their teacher ditched the toga for a tacky suite. “For getting in touch with your inner Socrates, you’ve won! Hey me, tell her what she got.”

Well,” a disembodied voice of Discord announced. “You’ve won a lifetime supply of wisdom and a fabulous vacation with your family through Ancient Cloudsdale. But that’s not all! As the new Socrates, you’ll be charged with blasphemy, as well as corrupting the youth meaning execution by poison.

“Wait what!” Ocellus objected.

With another snap, Discord transported them back to the Symposium of Statues. “But in all seriousness, this lady here is right. Even Socrates said it himself; ‘…. Once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves, but otherwise, we never shall.’ It’s the very core of why he went around to confront everypony with what they thought so that he could serve as a mirror for his fellow ponies.” In a flash, Discord became a mirror. “By cross-examining what we think and believe, anypony can come closer to realizing what is indeed true. You have to challenge yourself in why you have this or that opinion because otherwise, you’d be nothing but sheep blindly following a shepherd.”

To illiterate his point, he changed his students’ reflections to make them look like sheep before returning back to his original form with a toga.

“Then this Socrates must have been a great teacher if all he taught was for others to think for themselves,” Gallus commented.

Discord shook his head. “Not really, I went back in time just to study for this. And when I said what you just said, he scoffed. ‘I cannot teach anypony anything, I can only make them think.’ So, if you only have one thing to take away from my ramblings, it would be this. I will set you all free with one quote from him. The same one he said during his trial that ended up condemning him. ‘The unexamined life is not worth living.’ For the definition of wisdom isn’t so much of studying the knowledge and experiences of others, as well as yourself. Rather, it is what you do with the knowledge and experience that you have that will determine wisdom. But the first step is examining yourself with what you already have, and you will learn the new lessons.”

“Finally!” Smolder exclaimed. “Something in this class that actually makes sense!”

Then the Symposium froze when they heard the school bell rang. With a sigh, Discord let the clouds, the banquet, and the togas melt until they restored the classroom.

Before they left, Silverstream went up to him, “Mr. Discord, how long are you going to be teaching?”

He shrugged. “I can’t say. Until your other Professor recovers from his cold, I’ll have to take over. Before then, however, I’ll continue to teach as I see fit. By the way, which class are you six heading off to?”

“Professor Fluttershy’s,” Sandbar informed him.

With a smile, Discord told them, “When you see her, tell her I said hello.”