Diamond of Darkness

by alfonso_rd_33

1 - Dreams and Prophecies

Makai... a dark world, a violent reflection of the light that can be considered the human world, a place where the creatures of the night live and survive under the aegis of the three great masters of Makai, a world of monsters and demons, mummies and vampires, a world of Darkstalkers.

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MRDZ ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS

a story bu alfonso_rd_33 for FiMFiction.net

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As we enter this dark world, of burnt sand, stained with the blood of the weak see an imposing figure, its 200 meters high allowing master space around it, this monster among monsters is none other than Belial Aensland, the de facto king and guardian of Makai ...

As we get closer to the demon king we can notice his charcoal-colored skin, four massive arms and overwhelming power, standing stoically facing to the north, his upper arms crossed over his chest, while moving his lower arms methodically, with outstretched palms to allow the second set of eyes on they see their surroundings while thinking about how he came to this desert ...

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Diamond of Darkness.

Chapter I: Dreams and Prophecies.

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The Aensland castle stands against the darkness that is the Makai, and within the his master rests, but his rest is not a common one, because while dreaming he has received a prophetic vision, something that had been happening lately, but this time in instead of seeing the creature that without his supervision would become the monster that would destroy not only his beloved Makai but herself, the Dark Lord saw something new, a creature of light falling from the sky, and himself taking care of not one but two forces of nature, similar yet different...

"Lucien ...! Mudo …!"

Summoned the Dark Lord as he awoke and his most loyal servants appeared in the doorway of his room, a lanky demon with yellow-green skin wearing a dusty-looking brown suit accompanied by another one, this one pudgy and short, with green skin and younger looking than the lanky one, dressed in a black suit as worn out than his companion’s...

"Lord Belial ..." called two servants, while the Dark Lord stood, watching him servants and saying...

"I'm going out, I had a new prophetic vision and feel that there are problems in the red desert... Lucien, make sure nothing bad happens in the castle..."

“Yes Milord…”

Said the lanky demon, now known as Lucien as Belial strode past them...

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And so Belial Aensland left his castle to meet with fate, watching carefully for the star that would fall from the sky, only to receive an impact at the moment he relaxed...

Author's Note:

And so a new story begins, as you can see, this one is a bit different from what I've published so far, so here are the 5 points of Diamond of Darkness:

1. Yes this is a displaced fix fic, similar to Tatsurou's My Little PWNY series.
2. For most of the time Diamond Tiara will be stuck as an Anthro Pony.
3. There will be a ton of references to other of my works outside of Fimfiction and CAPCOM crossovers.
4. There will be spoilers related to my life long dream's integral structure.
5. Events here will have consequences for the MLP Universe another version of me is currently stuck in

UPDATE 10/01/2019 - XxWriterMentorCriticxX and TheMajorTechie have graciously helped With edits on the story...

Comments

[TheMajorTechie]

As we enter this dark world, of burnt sand, stained with the blood of the weak see an imposing figure, its 200 meters high allowing master space around it, this monster among monsters is none other than Belial Aensland, the de facto king and guardian of Makai ...

A few unneeded commas. I recommend splitting this into multiple smaller sentences. This is something that occurs multiple times throughout the story, so just keep watch for similarly-structured paragraphs.

stained with the blood of the weak see an imposing figure

???

I've also noticed that this short introductory section of the first chapter is a bit overdescriptive. Try to pass along information to the readers in a more subtle way, unless you're aiming specifically for giving them an image of the character right off the get-go.

The Aensland castle stands against the darkness that is the Makai, and within the his master rests, but his rest is not a common one, because while dreaming he has received a prophetic vision, something that had been happening lately, but this time in instead of seeing the creature that without his supervision would become the monster that would destroy not only his beloved Makai but herself, the Dark Lord saw something new, a creature of light falling from the sky, and himself taking care of not one but two forces of nature, similar yet different...

This is one giant run-on sentence. It appears that you might have an issue of using commas in place of where periods would normally go. I'll provide a rewrite of this paragraph:

The Aensland castle stands against the darkness that is the Makai. Within, his master rests, but his rest is not a common one; While dreaming, he has received a prophetic vision -- something that had been happening lately -- but this time, instead of seeing the creature that without his supervision would become the monster that would destroy not only his beloved Makai but herself, the Dark Lord saw something new, a creature of light falling from the sky... and himself taking care of not one, but two forces of nature, similar yet different...

Summoned the Dark Lord as he awoke and his most loyal servants appeared in the doorway of his room,

This is a bit of a sentence fragment, which once again leads into a run-on sentence. I'd suggest phrasing this and the above line "Lucien ...! Mudo …!" like the following:

"Lucien! Mudo!" summoned the Dark Lord as he awoke. His most loyal servants appeared in the doorway of his room: a lanky demon with yellow green skin wearing a dusty looking brown suit accompanied by another one, this one pudgy and short, with green skin and younger looking than the lanky one, dressed in a black suit as worn out than his companion’s...

Though, this is also pushing the description just a bit.

Also, general rule for character dialogue: If the character is trailing out their speech, "..." is fine. If they're stating something or just saying a regular sentence, the quote will end with a ," instead of a ." or ..."

Lastly,

Yes this is a displaced fix

It's "fic", not "fix".

That is all for the first chapter.