Some Sticks Deserve to be Buried
“Starlight,” Spike said before being interrupted by a yawn, “Why are we walking around Froggy Bottom Bogg in the middle of the night?”
“Because I need your help with something important, Spike,” Starlight replied. “Sleep can wait.”
“That’s what you said when you dragged me out of bed. My nice… warm…”
“Hey! Don’t fall asleep on me. I think we’re almost there.”
Spike sighed. “And where are we going, Starlight? There’s nothing out here, and definitely nothing you need my help with at 2:00am.”
“Don’t worry, Spike. You’ll see soon enough. This is worth losing a little sleep, and I can’t trust anyone else with this. Not Maud, or Trixie, or Discord, or even Twilight. You’re the only one who can ever learn about what happened in this swamp. What I did is for the good of all Equestria, but if anypony else ever finds out—”
*Snore*
“I told you not to fall asleep on me, Spike!” Starlight said, jostling slightly.
“Uugghhh, but your back is so comfortable,” Spike moaned.
“Yes, and so is the ground,” Starlight said, dumping the little dragon off her back.
“Ah! What the hay, Starlight?” Spike yelped as he landed on the damp ground. “Why’d you do that? I just took a bath before I went to bed, too.”
“Sorry Spike, but you’re going to get a little dirty while you're helping me,” Starlight replied apologetically. “Besides, we’re here.”
Spike looked around as he brushed some dirt off his chest. ‘Here’ looked about the same as everywhere else in the swamp, but he noticed Starlight was glaring at something—or rather, somepony.
“Mud Briar, what are you doing at Froggy Bottom Bogg?” Spike called out. “Isn’t it too late for… whatever it is you like to do with sticks?”
Mud Briar must not have heard him. His head was buried in the swamp, most likely looking for sticks underneath the muddy water.
The two walked over toward Maud’s boyfriend, though not because Spike was particularly keen on interacting with Mud. Anypony who preferred swamp sticks over sleep was a few sprinkles short of a sundae.
“Hey, Mud Briar,” Spike said as they neared the water’s edge. “Found something interesting down there?"
Mud Briar didn't move.
Leaning over, Spike whispered, “Starlight, Mud Briar isn’t moving.”
“No, Spike. He’s not,” Starlight calmly whispered back.
For a while, they stood quietly next to Mud, who remained perfectly still. Other than the sounds of creatures scurrying about, the bog was eerily silent.
“Uh, I don’t think he’s breathing, either.”
“Doesn’t look like it,” Starlight replied, kicking his side casually with her hoof.
“Is, um…” Spike poked Mud Briar cautiously. “Is he… okay?”
Starlight stared down disinterestedly at Mud's partially submerged body. "Depends on how you define 'okay,' Spike. How do you define it?”
“Happy? Healthy? Alive, maybe?”
“Then, no. He's not okay.”
Mud Briar's corpse lurched backwards, pulled out of the water by Starlight's magic, before landing face up on the ground. Somehow, even in death, his face still retained the blank, emotionless expression that it always wore.
“Woah, uh. Shouldn't we tell somepony about this? Like a mortician, or a royal guard, or maybe Maud?”
“That will just make things more complicated, Spike.”
“More complicated? Umm, Starlight, what happened to Mud Briar?”
“Do you remember when I came out here earlier today to help Mud study sticks?” Starlight asked.
Spike nodded slowly, fairly certain where this conversation was heading.
“Well, after three hours of commentary about the difference between swamp sticks and marsh sticks, we saw some twigs fall in the water. At first, Mud was disappointed, but then I suggested we study some underwater sticks. He'd never studied that kind of stick before, so I held onto him while he studied them in their natural habitat—the water.”
“And that's when you drowned him,” Spike cut in.
Rubbing her foreleg, Starlight continued, “Wweeellll, it had been a long day, and he was just so much easier to be with when he was down there, and I thought—”
“Stop. Just stop,” Spike said as he shook his head. “I don’t want to hear this. Please tell me that you didn’t drag me out into the middle of a swamp to bury your friend’s boyfriend’s carcass.
“I didn’t drag you out here to bury him.”
“Great, so why am I—”
“I need you to cremate him.”
“Okay, nope. I’m done,” Spike said as he turned and walked away. “Friends are NOT always there for you, Starlight, especially when it involves murder.”
It took about fifteen seconds for Spike to notice he wasn’t getting very far. Unicorn magic is so frustrating.
“Listen, Spike,” Starlight said, levitating the little dragon over to herself. “I didn’t want to rope you into this, but a fire spell is too conspicuous, and you’re the only one who can help me. Trixie can’t keep a secret, I can never predict what Discord is going to do, and you know how Twilight and the others would react. They’re too goody-goody for this sort of thing.”
Spike threw his arms up in exasperation. “Oh, but you think I’m not?! You thought the little, naive baby dragon would just go along with it and become your accomplice in ponicide?”
“Don’t feed me those horse apples, Spike! I know what happened to Trenderhoof.”
“Yes, Starlight, we all do! Articles about it ran in every newspaper for a month; he died in his apartment after a fire started.”
Starlight pointed an accusing hoof at Spike’s snout. “Oh no, Spike, you’re leaving out some details. The fire didn’t start in Trenderhoof’s apartment, it started at his bed. Almost like somebody wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to make it out.”
“Conjecture!” Spike shouted.
“True, but isn’t it convenient that you were in Manehattan with Rarity during the incident? Right across town from his apartment? And that the fire happened the night before her date with him?”
“Coincidence!”
“That ‘innocent little brother’ act fools Twilight, but not me, buster. Trenderhoof crossed a line, and you took care of the situation before he could go any further.”
For a while, Spike floated quietly in Starlight’s magic, contemplating his current situation. It was hard to ignore her lingering glare, and Starlight Glimmer’s hoof still hovered next to his nose accusingly. But eventually, having finally made her point, she set her hoof back on the ground and left him to his thoughts.
“To be fair, he had it coming,” Spike retorted.
“I never cared for his writing style, personally,” Starlight mused as she lowered him onto his feet.
“Although I still don’t see why you need my help,” Spike continued. “You could just dump Mud Briar’s remains in the mud—seems like an appropriate resting place—and it’s not like anyone is going to find him out here.”
Starlight sighed. “Do know how long it takes a body to decompose in mud? It’s a long time, Spike.”
“That’s why I didn’t kill Trenderhoof in a swamp!”
Covering his face with a claw, Spike took a deep breath, exhaled, and motioned for Starlight to continue.
“Once you burn away Mud Briar’s flesh, I can separate his skull, and then we can bury the rest of his body. Without any rotting flesh, and only minimal traces of magical residue, nopony should find him.”
Spike nodded as he thought through the scenario. “Occasionally, I forget you’re an impulsive psychopath. You’re not keeping his skull as a trophy though, right?”
“If Mud is anything like Maud, he has meticulous dental records—the kind that forensic investigators absolutely love to pull out after finding a suspicious skeleton. No, we’ll destroy the skull.”
“Why not destroy all the bones? Why only the skull?” Spike asked.
“I don’t know, that seems…” Starlight put a hoof to her chin as she looked up at the night sky. “Wrong. Sacrilegious, even.”
Spike glanced at Starlight, before looking down at Mud Briar. Flies and other insects buzzed around his cold, limp form. Dirty swamp water had discolored Mud’s coat, and his fur was matted down around his face.
“But killing him didn’t?!” Spike replied incredulously, gesturing emphatically at the corpse.
Starlight shrugged. “Not at the time. I mean, did you want to hear him say ‘technically’ after every sentence during our next Ogres and Oubliettes night?”
There was a long pause.
“Good point. Let’s get started.”
*~*~*
Spike didn’t anticipate spending the night curled up next to Starlight Glimmer while soaking in the warmth of Mud Briar’s burning remains, but his life was often full of unexpected events.
“You know Starlight, this is really bucked up.”
“Which part?”
“All of it.”
“Yeah.”
Embers danced into the night sky as flames licked the dirt around Mud Briar. The damp ground kept any stray ashes from reigniting, and each spark of light that leapt from the steadily burning fire quickly sizzled out when it met the moist air.
Spike tilted his head back to look up at his newfound partner in crime. “You owe me bigtime for this one.”
“All the gems and comic books you want, Spike,” Starlight said, patting him on the head.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Spike replied. “Once we get back to the castle, I can forge a note about why Mud Briar isn’t around anymore. I saw some of his hoofwriting the other day; it won’t be that difficult to copy. Then you’ll really owe me.”
Starlight chuckled. “Whatever you say, Spike.”
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- Milo_Chalks · 4.8k words · 93 10 · 2.5k views
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I half-expected Spike to send Mud Briar's body to Princess Celestia by accident...
Well, that was interesting
Now all they need is to roast marshmallows and make s'mores!
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"Spike, this is the third body this year you have sent me. Is there something you want to tell me?"
Not funny
I... I think I love you for this. You have just made my day, my week, and my month.
media1.giphy.com/media/iiS84hOJXh1Pq/giphy.gif
Couldn't have happened to a more deserving pony!
Had Starlight enlisted the help of Trixie or Discord, we might have seen something akin to Very Bad Things.
I don't think I'm ever going to be able to look at Starlight the same way again...
Dear, Maud , , ,technically it's Maudileena Daisy Pie. but I digress,
Dear harlot? technically with your emotional out bursts I have had enough,
I have found another in my life, Well technically I met a another who is more my type of wild party animal. technically a more active being in line with my rapier wit and daring do, Technically , you and I? we don't match... your comedy circuit would of conflicted with my life plan in politics and technically keep me home bound as a cooh biscuit nanny (technically a slave to your female hormonal rampages
(I know what you do with Bolder as if I technically didn't see it!) No I am going where no pony will ever find me,
Technically Nothing will ever find me, Live long and prosper but technically that is a copy righted phrase .
Technically I'm burning up to start my new life maybe on the rebound you can hook up with one of Rarity's old romantic partner technically he's a rock,,, Tom's his name.
Technically gone forever Mud Briar
Technically you can call me Mud.
Technically any further contact would be impossible .
Technically.....
I lol'ed
On the one hand... what the actual fuck? On the other... good story.
8840390
And this is when Celestia finds out Spike really is just like other dragons. Pony lives? Who cares? They're just ponies! Unless he also sent her Garble's corpse at some point. Someone please write this. Spike the serial killer. And only Celestia knows. Or cares.
Remember, kids! A friend is someone who helps you move. A real friend is someone who helps you move a body.
Mudbriar is lucky Pinkamena didn´t got him first.
https://img00.deviantart.net/b3cf/i/2012/145/0/a/pinkamena_diane_pie_by_emberfiremane-d502rba.png
Sigh...
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That was enjoyable!
8841017
I stopped reading after the fifth thechnically.
Well done, you are a master on Mudbriar forgery.
9076182
Technically...
8840512
+
This is as funny as it is messed up.
Would've been even funnier had he accidentally sent the skull to Celestia.
11656055
If I ever wrote a sequel, that's probably where I'd take it, but the thought of Spike and Glimmy sitting around Mudbriar's smoking remains just seemed like the appropriate place to stop. More wholesome, you know? lol