Bamboozled again!

by Theboxcatgamr

chapter 10: apply now for your free trial of HERP-AGONA-STIFIL-AIDS

Author's Note:

"I am a very tall midget"

"I am a very short giant"

"(Various raptor sounds)"

I woke up after a bit and I would be ecstatic about the element thing if not for the fact that twilight dropped the ball. She said the wrong thing (and according to celestia part of the whole ceremony of the elements is using the correct words) and so nightmare moon was just sitting there a bit confused as to why she was alright.

"what? Why am I still...?HA you fools! You failed!"

"Nah twilight just made the mistake of including a complete stranger into the mix"

what? But the signs all pointed to us being the elements... i don't get it twilight said in a sad tone

"Ok let's try that again"

HAHAHA fool! You really think-

"KINDNESSGENEROSITYLOYALTYHONESTYMAGICWITHYOURPOWERSCOMBINDTHEYARECAPTAINPLANETCLYDEFIREORBITALFRENDSHIPGUN""FIRINGORBITALFRENDSHIPGUN!"

This works somehow and now the rainbow actually works as intended with the addition of me prematurely throwing the sick-stick at nightmare and mistakenly hitting her with Clyde's weapon like a fucking Neanderthal. The light fades and I'm met with my old friend Sgt.smokey the bear as he was Slaughtering a camp site for leaving a fire lit... Ok fine I was kidding, I was met with ponys waking up and as I got up I saw the elements on them as they admired them giving me the chance to slip away after getting back the sick stick.

I unfortunately got stuck on the door again and I grabbed the attention of everyone including the now present celestia. Celestia slowly walked up to me as I tensed up, I had gotten lucky with proving my innocence last time since I helped them but without some help I just might have been screwed over if not for bluebloods swift kick to the door and sudden entrance, he seemed a bit startled by celestia though.

"oh uh hi"

It seemed that the orbital frendship gun also cleaned up blueblood, much to his dismay his mask of dirt was lifted showing him off in the best (but right now the worst) way.

"blueblood? What are you doing so far away from the castle? And why is that...thing here? she asked with bitterness

Blueblood was about to drop the spaghetti on how we got here but luckily I managed to get away with taking fake offence to her question

"Excuse me but I am not just a thing!" I said in a oh-so poor choice of a voice that has only one end result,

That result was for me to fall over curl up into a ball and turn to stone via sun goddess :D

JOY! AW YEA EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED IN MY LIFE I JUST- UGH FUCK- MY KNEE! (Eternal pain+raptor screech.mp3)

When I was stoned blueblood told celestia about a magical journey through space and time and explained how I'm not discord. In hindsight maybe mimicking the voice of a currently evil God of chaos wasn't the greatest plan. Not my best moment. Anyway spaghetti dropped lunch is ruined and I myself made it worse with a "you too". my plan has gone to shit. By the time I was freed by the stone I had been hulled into the library to be "taken care of", translation? Getting poked with a broom (of doom) until I woke up.

I don't know why they were poking me with the broom but safe to say that I probably should not have let out the primal scream that I did but that ship set sail long ago. After the screaming match and I finally calmed down I tried to ask what happened.

Ok I lied about calming down

"WHY WAS I A STATUE?!"

"Celestia thought you were a threat!"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?!"

"I don't know?!"

"WHY ARE WE STILL SCREAMING?!"

"I DONT KNOW"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

We screamed for a bit and eventually got on the topic of blueblood. twilight said that blueblood was to be taken to testing and therapy since Celestia is convinced that he was mind controlled by me (because apparently I have the power of a literal mind-fuck) and so began my magical journey to free blueblood from his own home.twilight was downstairs looking through books for something and spike apparently locked himself in the closet to avoid me and got trapped. I let him out of the closet and restrained myself from making a gay joke. After all, you can't say shit if your one of them because bisexual is my-sexual (I'm not sorry).

After spike was released he immediately attempted to lite me up. He got my tye and unfortunately for me, Celestia now has a brand new (crudely patched) tye! After calming him down and explaining how I wasn't a bad guy he asked some things and got a few answers and I did the same thing and learned about dragon fire and how apparently anything burnt by it is sent to Celestia and vice versa. Then downstairs the door slammed against the wall and I at that moment had a brief encounter with a rainbow, it ended with me getting launched through the window and straight into the ground.

So that's how I had my first day in ponyvill (or however the fuck else you pronounce it) and after a bit I woke up in my old bed: the ground :D ah already feels just like home, with all of the blood and people ponys screaming at me if I shut my eyes I wouldn't be able to tell the difference! So with that nostalgia out of the way I found my way back to the library (complete with the screaming of civilians of course) and knocked on the door

Ok fine it's more like I threw the door open and slammed it shut. I hate crowds, why do you think I lived near a junk yard? (Besides the whole homeless thing) and after a bit of dickering I managed to score a place at twilight's house-tree on the condition that I somehow prove that I was innocent. So basically the reason Celestia reacted the way she did is because she sensed dark magic in me, or so she thought. Twilight pulled a special machine out of the basement that instead of measuring magic it measures dark magic. It was covered in dust and after the tests came back positive (insert AIDS joke here) I decided to make a small test with the others to prove that it was natural (or something? I really don't know what I was thinking because blood stuff and being a nice shade of white that normally would belong to blueblood.

"so you lied to us?"

"No I didn't! I think the stupid thing is broken or..."
A lightbulb went off in my head

"Wait let me try something"

I asked twilight to use the machine herself and in doing so the dark magic reader-thing exploded and the reason why?
Magic overload

"what?! But-"

I prepared myself for the incoming screaming and twilight did not disappoint

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile on earth:

"I wonder what happened to that Noah fella? It's not like he would just-"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

The junkyard was rumbling and in the distance, sirens.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------meanwhile back in equestria

Twilight was having a mental breakdown and naturally I had to work on helping her out of the issue because if I didn't solve the issue in time the other five would rush in and absolutely destroy me, the shout registered on the Richter scale and in this small town that is big and bad news for me so I got to work she was rolling on the ground and crying about the dark "evil" magic that would turn her evil and so I decided to hit two birds with one stone.

"Twilight you are just as evil as I am!"
The tears intensity increased and she wasn't making coherent sentences

"TWILIGHT GODDAMMIT IM NOT EVIL"

She stopped crying and looked in my direction

"but the shadealizer said-

"Exactly what it would say If you put one of your friends in it. The dark isn't all evil and the light isn't all good! If so we would have no true free will"

Then at that time I was then thrown against the wall and knocked unconscious by the good ol, one two blue hue what'cha gonna do when rainbow runs wild on you.

FUN

Comments

[The Hermit]

"KINDNESSGENEROSITYLOYALTYHONESTYMAGICWITHYOURPOWERSCOMBINDTHEYARECAPTAINPLANETCLYDEFIREORBITALFRENDSHIPGUN" "FIRINGORBITALFRENDSHIPGUN!"

HOHO I AM FUCKING DIEING.