“Everything ok Anne, are you ready?” Thomas, my best friend, asked me from outside the bathroom.
“Yes, yes calm down!” I shouted at him. ‘Really a lady cannot even change in peace nowadays.’
After ten minutes I exited the bathroom. “Finally! God, you’re so slow.” He said to me, I punched him in the arm.
“Har Har. Anyway, how is the costume? All good? Is it too little?” I asked him, he was dressed in a ralts costume. A shiny ralts costume, just like me.
“Yes everything is perfect, let’s go.” He said flashing a smile.
We exited my flat and drove towards the pokemon convention being held in the city. We parked our car and entered the main building, where we started to look around. I wanted to give him a gift for his birthday and I thought of the most awesome gift ever. We're both pokemon nerds, so seeing as we're currently dressed as ralts I would have given him a Gallade mega stone.
I walked around searching for a stand that I knew for sure had it and when I found it I asked Thomas to wait for me, for a bit. I passed through the crowd, making my way to the stand.
“Hello.” I greeted the girl at the stand when I finally reached it. “Do you have two mega stones? A Galladite and a Gardevoirite.” I asked with a smile.
“Nope sorry. We ran out of those.” The girl replied.
“What!? But how!?” I half shouted half asked her.
“Listen, girl, we don’t have them anymore. Deal with it.” She said rudely. I wanted to cry right there, my perfect gift was ruined!
‘Calm down Anne there is still hope. Maybe someone else here has those?’ I thought and started to look around for something that resembled a pokemon stand.
I found my target in a little stand with a man wrapped in a cloth, I neared the stand and asked for the two mega stones.
“These two?” The merchant said. I nodded furiously at the sight of them, they were so perfect that I thought they were real, they were also attached to a little chains as necklaces. He chuckled at my eagerness. “Very well, twenty dollars for both.” I gave him his money and returned to Thomas.
“Finally Anne. I swear you are getting slower and slower.” He said with a smile.
“I needed the time for this. Here!” I said handing him the Galladite. “For your birthday, look they can be used as necklaces. Happy birthday.” I said with a smile.
Thomas said nothing he just took the stone and held it in his hand and then hugged me. With him being at least thirty centimeters taller than me he basically picked me up.
“Thank you.” He said. “Thank you so much. It’s a wonderful gift.”
“I knew you would like it.” I said now facing him.
“Oh my God you are so cute.” A woman said reminding that I was in a crowded environment. “Put them on come on I’ll take a picture for you.” She offered.
Thomas and I nodded and he let me down, we both grabbed our mega stones and put ton, then with the flash of the camera everything vanished.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ UNKNOWN LOCATION~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When I opened my eyes I found myself staring at a multitude of branches, I was under a tree and I felt really weird. I tried to stand up but I had some problem, my legs felt fine but different than before. ‘This tree is huge… THOMAS!’
'I totally forgot about him, where is he?' I walked around on my wobbly legs and wandered in the forest, in my haze and confusion I arrived at a clearing in the forest, there in front of a fireplace was a creature.
‘Is that an amalgamation of different creatures or what? Two horns, snake tail, a paw and a talon? What the fuck?’ I thought, still I didn’t encounter anything until now. But something told me I shouldn't trust him. I neared the strange creature. I didn’t even take two steps before it turned around with a shocked face before it twisted into a grin.
“My, my…” he said snapping his talon, I found myself in front of him. “What do we have here? I ordered only one of you but it seems like He was in a good mood and sent me two. Oh well.” He said shrugging and letting me fall.
“W-what are you?” I asked scared.
“Who me? I’m Discord! Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, and you.” he said pointing at me. “Are here for my game, I’ll cover the basics but then you are on your own.” He said.
“Basics…?”
“Yes, yes now don’t interrupt me.” He snapped his talon and created a chalkboard with floating chalk, Discord was also wearing a lab coat with a pair of lab glasses to complete the outfit. “Welcome to Equestria, a land filled with magical and mythical creatures ranging from unicorns to manticores. This land is filled with intelligent species but for now, I’ll just give you the info about the one you are in the nation of. The population of this land is called ponies and they come in four different breeds. Unicorns, Pegasi, Earth Ponies and Alicorns.” He said, created several images depicting those creatures.
“The rulers here are Celestia and Luna and you are here for a specific purpose. You will play a game with me, I’ll give you all two years for preparing after that the game will begin. Also…” He put his paw in his pocket and showed me a familiar red device.
“You will probably need this bluey.” He said grinning widely and put it on the ground in front of him then he put down another one. “Also, your partner is there.” He pointed behind him, nearby a trunk there was a figure shrouded in a sleeping bag.
‘Bluey?’ I thought.
“Oh yes before I go.” He conjured a mirror in his talon. “This one is on the house. Good luck.” And said as he vanished with a bright light. I checked the mirror and looked into it. Inside of it, there was the unmistakable figure of a ralts, a shiny ralts. My mind was already pulling the pieces together but then when I waved my hand in front of it and the ralts waved back I finally understood.
“I am a ralts….”
I don’t think the author can appreciate how hilariously ironic this is.
NOPE! NOPE! ABORT!!
9026840
Should I?
9026846 If you wanted to get it across to the audience that something took a lengthy amount of time, you shouldn’t describe it in a way that should take me hardly a second to read.
9026852
oh. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It happened.
Just a quick note: the plural of Pokémon is Pokémon, not Pokémons. It's like this:
Over there is a sheep.
Over there are many sheep.
9026860 Also, wrong dash over the ‘e’
9026861
Thak you for making me notice that.
9026860
I didn't know that XD English is not my language. Anyway thank you.
Alright, it's a bit of a weak start, but I'm always willing to give pokemon stories a chance. I really feel that this opening chapter could have been fleshed out more. Yes, the merchant-displaced type of story does have a somewhat formuliac start, but that doesn't mean you can skip right past everything. This is your opening chapter. This is where you need to hook us in. Maybe add some more dialogue. Who are these people? What are they like? Why should we invest our time in finding out what happens to them?
9026954
True, but saying everything about a character especially the protagonist at the start makes the discovery of said character difficult. If I stated everything that concern them immediately then you wouldn't discover their personalities with the flow of the story. That's how I see it anyway I could be wrong of course.
9026957
That's a good point, and true to an extent. But we're talking in extremes here. It would of course be bad as well to have a 10,000 word chapter detailing their likes, dislikes, and medical history but no plot. But you can tell us some things while still keeping details for later. Considering this story; what do we know about the characters so far? We know their names and that they like pokemon. That's not much to go on; there's more information in an average tinder bio. For one thing, what is their relationship? Are they siblings? Good friends? A couple? We as the readers have no idea. For that matter, how old are they? The nature of how we'll view this and relate to the characters changes greatly if they're 16 or 26.
You don't have to spell it out like "...and then Anne, who was 23, called back to Thomas. He was 22 and her boyfriend." You can be subtle. Maybe mention that they met at college, or just refer to Thomas as "her brother/boyfriend/friend" once instead of his name.
While it is possible to put too much detail in the opening chapter, if you put too little then less people will want to stick around to see what happens next.
9027102
I understand your point and I agree completely. You raise a good point I will probably change something in the chapter now that you pointed it out so thank you!
Interesting start, a Pokémon displaced have my attantion
9027244
I'm glad
It's spelt galladite
9028020
Lol I wrote it right but Grammarly decided that it needed to change XD thanks for making me notice
Given my generall distaste for displaced stories I was inclinded to just ignore this, but since you said that there would be no Crossovers to other stories, wich is the worst and most ridiculous thing about this whole displaced buisness I will give this sotie a shot.
I like Pokemon
I want to see more displaced stories that work without that guy, at least it's short.
I admit Discord is one of my prefered solutions for that kind of thin instead of other godlike beings that interfere to much with the story or Celestia having that kind of power, but I noticed i don't like it that Discord works together with him or knows him.
I hope that doesn't means a huge amount of timeskips or big once. I think that would actually be a great hint for a potential sequel. That they either train their powers now without meeting a pony or having a timeskip in the end of the story after they already met a huge amount of ponies, because for me it's important to see who they meet and the interaction between them.
Nice they start small, I mean I think that was the english name for the first pokemon in that evolution.
Not a bad start I kind of like it if there is a language barrier at first or if there are actually some characters that manage to pretend they are an animal or an creature that can't talk for more than 5 chapters but I will see what I get here.
9034506
I never see comments like this in the actually displaced stories and it often looks like I'm the only one who thinks like that to others, which is why I'm happy to see your comment here.
It's pretty close to how I think about it.
9026957
It already looks like your characters don't have the personality of those Anon characters or soldiers that say at least 70 times fuck, shit or other stuff in the chaper. Not that it would be bad, but I can't explain it otherwise, which is why I have to say that them saying that stuff always gives me a certain idea about their personality.
Lately I have 70% Characters that act like badasses, colt hearted soldiers, drug dealers or how I image them, hungry for sexy butts and......and...what was it again?,....I think carefree to a point where it's hurts.
Not that I have the biggest problem with any of that even if I sound like that half of the time, but I have a bigger problem with it if that is more or less the only type of characters that I get half of the time and then finally something like this comes where the characters can just be a bit more casual or just nice.
What I'm trying to say and not sure if you noticed that too, I often get the feeling that I only get the same type of character, but it's hard to get the personalities across sometimes for new authors I guess.
The first chapter is to early to judge them, but their little talk already felt right enough.
9046989
I suggest The Time I Was Reincarnated As A Dragon.
9034506 I wouldn't say it's the worst about it, as it was one of the founding ideas of the group. What was bad was simply how many, many authors went about doing them. So many forget it's all really in the delivery.