One shot based off the classic drop ride at Disney's Hollywood Studios. I do not own the Twilight Zone or Disney Parks!
After getting caught in a big thunderstorm after a great day out, the mane 7 seek shelter in an eerily elegant abode. This old hotel has been abandoned for almost 80 years, yet it still bears some semblance of functionality. The vacant stare and unnerving smirk of the bellhop, the rundown gardens and the rusty machinery don't deter the hotel's business. The girls are given two rooms free on the 13th floor, and discover 5 souls who vanished in the elevator on Halloween night, 1939.
"We invite you if you dare to step aboard,
because in tonights episode,
you are the star.
And this elevator travels directly to....
The 5th Dimension.
can you do equestria girls x haunted mansion please
8832859
Well, i sorta did with my previous story.
Okay, before I say anything, I want you to know that I will give you props for the idea of doing a cross-over between Equestria Girls and The Tower of Terror. This is something that I don't see that often and the story that it presents can be explored further. After all, I personally love the Twilight Zone and the very setting of the ride being this hotel that was abandoned during the 1930's. So for doing it at all I say more power to you. Furthermore, the story itself isn't that bad, for if it were, then I wouldn't bother writing in this.
So... with that being said, I did come out of this fic asking myself a lot of questions because of the rather confusing narrative overall. Look, I can see that you've only got two stories out so far and I can give you the benefit of a doubt that maybe you're trying this out for the first time. And not everyone can write up a hit overnight so you're probably learning how this works. For what you got here, the grammar I can overlook, but the story... Well, it only left me confused. Let me explain why.
(Before I start, please note that this is not an attack on you or your writing. Rather this is me trying to explain where things aren't that clear.)
While I can see that you're building up to show off the building itself, it does leave me asking how come none of the group noticed the building before? After all, a towering structure in which has the words "Hotel" is rather hard to miss so why are they looking up for a hotel when there's one within sight? If anything, should it been better if Rainbow were to try to look up info about the building that they need a room to spend the night?
Also, it's kinda interesting that they're in Hollywood... But keep that in mind, I'll come back to it later.
That doesn't really add up, both from a narrative standpoint and from common sense. Why would the guy be scared about a bunch of people disappearing several decades ago? One end seemed like really forced exposition that, we get to hear about it a little later in detail. And at the other his reasoning for fleeing is rather odd. I mean, people disappear every day and at several places around the world, what's so unusual here? Yes we know because of what the ride is, but to everyone else the guy just flees without any reasons like "it's super haunted" or... something at least.
Wait, why would they go in if the lock just broke? Yes I know it's because of the rain but wouldn't that mean that they're trespassing at this point? And besides, why did the lock broke? Was it because it was rusty? That's the only thing I can assume but I'm not sure as it doesn't say. But apart of the lock just suddenly falling off, things get quickly confusing with:
Shouldn't the girls question what they guy was doing in a place that obviously been shut down a long time ago? I don't know about you but I would find that incredibly suspicious if I found an old fashion bell hop in a hotel that's supposed to be abandoned. Sure, that may imply that the hotel is still going, but you've clearly showed that it was shut down because of the lock so this doesn't make sense.
What's more, shouldn't someone like say... Rarity question why this place is dusty if it looks like it's still running? If anything, she might be at least be a little bit disgusted by the dust and cobwebs alone. It only further adds to the confusion why the guy is even there at all as the hotel has clearly been neglected.
At this point, if the reader is asking five or more questions about your story with the first half, then consider revising.
That's seems contradictory, why would something just "opened up" when in the same paragraph say that no one has been here for 80 years? Plus, wouldn't that make the girls even more unwilling to stay at this place or ask questions about it? I don't care if it's the only opened hotel within miles and pouring with rain, but if a place like that hasn't had a single guest for that long, I'd consider going someplace else. Besides, I don't care if the hotel is paying for the free stay, that alone would get me walking out the door.
How does he know this? Would it make more sense to use one of the old phones to ring up someone to check if their rooms are available? Even people in the 1930's had phones (while not as advanced) for this sort of thing.
Technically I know that television was already invented by around the 1930's, but why would the hotel even have one as they were incredibly expensive at the time? After all, I'm pretty sure that there were only a handful of channels to choose from. So why not an old radio? I know that it wasn't in the ride but the hotel was closed in 1939, not the 1950's which the Twilight Zone had aired. After all, it would make more sense to have a radio version of the Twilight Zone as, that actually exists. Plus, not once during this exposition that any of the main 7 make any comment what-so-ever or maybe say something that they didn't know there was a radio version of the show?
I know this is a copy and paste of what the narrator said, but here it doesn't really work since on that TV you didn't show what exactly had happened nor the girl's reaction to it. But if you go through the radio route then you'll have to add some detail about what exactly happened here. For anyone that hasn't been on the ride or know what it's about, this leaves out a tremendous detail of the very core of the story.
Question: when was the last elevator you've ridden that was big enough for seats with seatbelts (something that they didn't have in the 30's, by the way.) If anything, why not just make it that, an elevator? Having make it look more like a copy of the ride itself shows that not only is it out of place in a setting like this, but it doesn't work in a story like this as there's not really any sense of danger.
Shouldn't someone be screaming from the lightning? Remember, try putting yourself in their shoes in how any normal person would react to seeing something like this and how they would feel.
Okay, it's time I brought this up. Where exactly are they? If they're in Hollywood then just say so. But if they're in Canterlot City... that makes things all the more confusing as why would there be a hotel called "The Hollywood Tower Hotel" when it's not in Hollywood? Which, come to think of it, why are they there on Halloween to begin with? If they're in their home town then why don't they call someone for a ride home?
Why on earth would they? If I was in an elevator that's out of control then I would probably be screaming my head off, trying to figure out how to get off like... jumping off or something.
Wait, is Rainbow or the Bellhop speaking this?
How exactly are they freed? The girls didn't do anything other then just get on a ride like anyone else. And while I would excuse you for the gift shop as, yes, there are hotels that do have one.
Curse? Sorry but did I miss something? What curse? When in this story did it mentioned anything about a curse? Why was there a curse to begin with? And how does them taking a ride do anything about it?
Why did she say that? Especially when there are ghosts around? Shouldn't the reaction be more screaming or shock or... something?
Why? You've been dead since the 1930's.
Tour guide? All you've been doing is checking them in, showing them to a library, taking them to the boiler room and onto an elevator. Tour would imply going beyond that and into the hotel itself while explain about the history and other facts about the place.
Why did the tower disappear? I could only assume that it was because of the curse was lifted, but again, we don't know what that said curse even was nor what it did.
Okay before you decide to delete this story and swear off to never write a word again, hear me out. That last thing I want to do is discourage anyone from writing when they're just beginning to do so. I mean, the idea alone of writing a story about the Tower of Terror is a great idea in and of itself as it has a cornucopia of ideas that you could do with. To go beyond then just the ride itself. However, one lesson that needs to be learned here is that it's essential to use not just common sense but empathy as well. Try putting yourself in their shoes when they're going through this for the very first time. How would you honestly react to all this? What would you do in an abandoned hotel? Because that's what makes writing all the more fun is that you get to explore these ideas.
But if you wanted to just followed the already laid out path that the ride has laid out, you can do that just as long as you do something that's creative and new. Or rather, give their reactions as all these crazy things are going on. You can write out a scene, and yes, I know that telling a story is hard but don't be discouraged when it doesn't turn out well. I did the same with my early work, for all it takes is practice and learning what makes something work.
8834647
😞 Ill try to make this better.
Well, thanks for your honesty.
8835526
Do not be discouraged, this story isn't horrible. You are new so don't be disheartened.
8835530
yes, but i didn't expect it to be THAT lacking. Several bronies here like it as it was originally, according to my notifications, but thanks anyway. What about my first story? Nightmare before Hearth's Warming?
8835535
I haven't gotten the chance to read it. If anything, I was here for the tower of terror.
Not bad. Saw some punctuation and grammar errors. I can tell you're definitely improving on your writing, though. Keep at it!
8849823
Coming from you, that means a lot!
I thought the name of the place was the Canterlot Tower.
Because it is.
I think you made the same typo twice.
As for the overall story, it was fun and simple. It didn't have much of a plot though. I think the scarier elements of the ride also got lost in translation.
9381917
yeah i know. I think countdown is my best story.