Of Princes and Debts
Shining Armor trudged and slogged through the halls of his home.
Not that he had anything against them, nor any other feature of the Crystal Palace. The shine of the gleaming walls and polished floors usually helped to give him a boost. Neither did he mind seeing a reflection of his normally happy self all around him.
But today, the same halls just mirrored and multiplied his annoyance instead. For he found himself on the receiving end of the summons by one of his least favorite members of the Crystal Empire government.
Legal Basis, the Imperial Tax Collector.
True, it had been Cadance’s idea to hire him, and though Shining wasn’t too thrilled about the circumstances they had met under (trying to rob a ruling monarch while threatening their life isn’t something he’d ever advocate), he couldn’t deny the stallion’s effectiveness. Tax harvesting had initially risen from around seventy to eighty percent across the Empire’s districts in a fortnight, and was now up to a flat ninety-nine percent Empire-wide. The coffers bulged and creaked, never before having seen such a surplus of funds.
… and there was also the incident involving capturing a certain, rogue Changeling queen. Something Shining was not at all envious about, no…
So why, oh why would he ever dread visiting one of his most stellar, most professional, most determined…
… and most mind-numbing employees?
“Ugh.” Shining dragged his hoof down his face, standing in before the door marked ‘Imperial Revenue & Customs’. “Just reached his office, already feeling tired...” He took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”
With one last sigh, he entered, customarily abandoning all hope... as it was advised by the gossip of the courtiers, especially majordomo Divine Comedy.
The anteroom beyond felt like Shining had just stepped back in time. To the dreaded times. The high-school times. The steady ticking of the clock, omnipresent and ruthless, counted the moments until the final meeting with the principal. Until the passing of judgment for crimes Shining yet didn’t even know he had committed.
That’s how he felt, at least, and… Urgh, he realized he had begun to curl his tail between his legs.
But no. This time… this was something else. For some reason meeting the principal seemed almost trifling for him in comparison.
Shining looked about. There was a silver lining in this misery, however – the secretary, the clock’s “partner in law”, wasn’t at her post today. And Mrs. Hunt-and-Peck could cause a good measure of apprehension even in a stallion like Shining with her unforgiving stare of indifference.
Then again… was this actually beneficial? It was the weekend, after all. And Legal Basis never did overtime, for he believed it an unnecessary drain on the Empire’s funds to be paid for anything of the sort. The last time he did declare staying at the office after hours it was a ruse to entrap the said, certain Changeling queen…
… and even then Legal Basis did not accept the extra payment, claiming “community service”.
This time it was Shining who was to meet the Imperial Tax Collector when the office was formally closed.
… wait, was this some sort of a… staged, statutory coup?
No, no, not the time to succumb to legal insanity…
Gathering his resolve and steeling himself, Shining marched against the much-repelling door inset in the far wall, and knocked twice, ready to face the challenge as a Royal Guard veteran should.
“Enter.”
Legal Basis sounded like his usual, calm and professional self… and yet his, fraudulent in Shining’s honest opinion, kindness of voice was all but gone. It only made matters more... complicated.
The well-maintained door opened without even a squeak, giving Shining a view into a room that could, possibly, give Discord a nasty cardiac arrest. True, the mischievous Spirit of Chaos would possibly just conjure himself another heart or start utilizing his spleen or something, but the point stood. The space was devoted entirely to order and absolute control. It declared it. It screamed it. From the perfect piles of pristine paperwork, to the calculated, correctly cut cupboards.
And amongst it all sat the pony.
Legal Basis glanced from above a stack of documents he was checking. The stare of his cobalt, keen and yet somehow dead eyes was singular.
“Welcome to the Imperial Revenue & Customs, Prince-Consort Shining Armor, I have been expecting you and I am overjoyed you could join me on such short notice. Please, take a seat.”
Shining cocked an eyebrow. He didn’t sound overjoyed. Then again, some rumors suggested delight was a feeling alien for him. Or that he had his own, perverse and constitutional, variation of it.
“Your message said you had urgent news for me, Mr. Basis. Is there time to sit down?”
Perhaps Shining was being a impolite with his tone… but he was talking to the stallion that, once, threatened his beloved with the phrase: “Your money or your life.”
He was expecting to hear this traditional mannerism soon enough himself, actually. And if he was to withstand being in this office, he felt like he needed to establish some space for himself.
A hoofhold, if his training had anything to say.
Legal Basis put down his quill, raised his head and put his forehooves together neatly on the stainless desk, assuming juridical attack position, it seemed.
“Trust me, sir, any instances of painfully slumping onto the floor can be aptly avoided that way. I loyally advise you to sit down, considering the reason of our hurried meeting.”
Shining felt an unpleasant tingle down his spine. It spelled danger as it was crossing his fifth vertebrae.
He crossed the small gulf between himself and the desk and took his place on the awaiting chair, on perpetual guard.
He waited patiently a longer while as Legal Basis across from him moved his current set of papers aside, with the speed and precision of a bureaucrat... only to replace them with a substantially thicker folder. A dull thump emanating from its weight hitting the desk made Shining narrow his eyes.
This already appeared like a threat. He needed to face it with the skill and pride of the former Captain of the Royal Guard.
… especially since the said folder had Shining’s own name on its front, in pristine, treacherous cursive.
Legal Basis put his hoof on his weapon of choice before beginning. “As you are surely aware, sir, my duty as the Imperial Tax Collector is to investigate, count, quantify, discern, track and so on and so forth... the travel of money and funds into, through, and out of the Crystal Empire.”
“I am aware of that, Mr. Basis,” Shining immediately retaliated with his own professionalism.
It made Legal Basis finally smirk, but it was not, in any way, a sincere expression. “Of course, sir. You are, I presume, also aware that, in accordance to the Revenue, Customs, Tributes and Contributions Act Anno Adamantis 843 nopony is above an Imperial Tax Collector’s control, authority and due diligence. Not even members of the Imperial Court.”
Shining frowned. Wherever dangerous place this was going… it wasn’t going there fast enough. But, that was a thing with Legal Basis, apparently. It was his tactic, to dull one’s focus and then strike with legal certainty.
Shining had to be ready for that.
His adversary continued in the meantime. “Since my instatement in this honored position, I have been going through the records of the Imperial Revenue & Customs. It goes without saying that everypony in the Empire must be scrutinized to ensure that each and every bit traversing the imperial coffers is legitimate and heads where it should.”
“That is all… fascinating, Mr. Basis, but still does not explain my presence here… nor renders me close to hitting the floor,” Shining admitted, breaking the lecture with another, preemptive counterattack.
“Very well, sir,” the stallion replied stoically, unflinching despite Shining’s own maneuvers. “Three nights ago, I came across a rather glaring discrepancy within the possessed records, noticed easily due to the recently completed annual census.” He produced a sheet of paper from Shining’s file. “Sparing you the inessential details, sir, as you clearly wish to hear the point, the Crystal Empire has, as of this day, five thousand nine hundred and twenty one resident taxpayers that are not exempt due to age, income, impairments.”
And then... there was silence.
Shining knew it well. It was the one before the main offensive.
“Yes?”
“The records of the Imperial Revenue & Customs have files on five thousand, nine hundred and twenty taxpayers,” Legal Basis stated dryly. “One is missing.”
“I see, Mr. Basis,” Shining replied, leaning back a little. “I presume you are in need of finding the one pony in question and I can assist you?”
“You can, indeed, assist me, sir.”
Suddenly, and without any declarations of ill-intent, Legal Basis rose on his forelegs, looming over Shining Armor like a terrible, merciless shadow.
“It’s you.”
Shining saw many threats in his life. He even succumbed to a few. But he faced them all with bravery and dutifully, as was expected by a Royal Guard…
...but never before had he faced a creature like an Imperial Tax Collector. And it was a terrifying sight.
He pressed himself into the back of the seat, giving himself as much space as he could to regroup. But training never mentioned how to deal with a, clearly and discernibly, wrathful functionary!
The squeak which escaped Shining was definitely non-military. “What do you mean ‘me’?”
Still monumental and commanding, Legal Basis declared, with a voice that could slay lesser ponies. “You sit accused of tax evasion. You have no file. No tax forms, no receipts, no paychecks. Not even a pension plan.”
Shining, eyes blinking one after another, tried to shake himself out of the suppression that Legal Basis’ assault caused him, attempting to comprehend the sight and the words.
“N-now hold on a minute! That can’t be right,” he protested.
“You implicate deception, sir?”
Shining’s mind routed immediately from that route. “But… but e-ever since my marriage, my assets have been linked with, with that of Cadance! She… she has a pony who deals with all of that, Mr. Shell Company!”
Legal Basis cocked an eyebrow. He sat down and leafed through a few papers, which allowed Shining to take a panicked breather. “Mr. Shell Company is a diligent administrator, never missing one document. And yet I have nothing here. So, either he was never informed nor ordered to process your paperwork, sir... you were misinformed… or you misinformed him.”
“I would never—”
Shining wished to protest, but one glance of those dead and keen eyes was enough to silence him.
“You haven’t paid any taxes since your wedding, sir, I would be cautious about declarations of deniability or transparency of intentions. I have trawled through all I could find on your calls and obligations, Prince-Consort Shining Armor. From what I have been able to piece together, based on the records provided from Canterlot and what hints I could find here, would you like to guess the amount which you owe?”
A sudden sound startled Shining… but then he realized it was just him swallowing loudly.
“No.”
“One hundred thousand bits, in excess.”
Legal Basis was right… he was right to tell Shining to sit down, for, there and then, he would have slumped down onto the pristine floor like a puddle.
He even babbled like a fish stuck in one. “B-but… but… but I…”
“Now, I am well aware you don’t have that kind of money in your possession, sir, even in your current position, I already have gained full access to your bank account.”
“Th-then how—”
Legal Basis, without missing a beat, pulled out two sets of documents from the file, already prepared. “Legally speaking, we would have some options going forward. The ability to declare bankruptcy, throwing oneself at the mercy of the courts, for example. However, given your title and position, sir, I don’t believe that would be feasible. Nor regal, if I can allow myself to make such point.”
Shining shook his head violently enough to hear a crack in his neck. Anything like that would mean being hanged, drawn and quartered. Metaphorically, for by the media, but the pain was the same.
The Collector continued. “Hence why, the only choice is, actually, as follows.” He tapped the papers on the left. “A repayment plan. A steady amount taken directly from your account, a hundred and twenty months, some eight hundred thirty-three bits plus interest a month.”
Shining gritted his teeth. That was not a small sum to begin with, not to mention that it meant ten years of obligations. “I… see,” he groaned out.
“Well, I see that you are not convinced by this proposition, sir. Thankfully, I believe I have an interesting, quicker and much easier solution to help you out in your difficult position,” Legal Basis claimed.
A position that he, himself, put Shining into… but there was no way of winning this battle. There was only a chance of minimizing losses.
“I’m listening, Mr. Basis.”
A hoof landed on the other pile of papers. “I have been doing some research in my spare time, sir…”
He was doing legal research in his spare time?
“It seems that the Crystal Empire still possesses a number of old laws that were never repealed with newer regulations. Most of those already became obsolete, no longer in effect even through custom and praxis… but, there is a regulation in effect, promulgated during the reign of King Sombra, that, as it happens, still has potential usage.”
Shining’s heart raced and his eyes widened. “King… King Sombra?”
“Indeed,” Legal Basis continued without as much as a blink. “The Grim Harvest Act Anno Umbrae 2. It treats about alternative forms of repayment of debts owed to the Empire. Both due or arbitrary ones, I admit, but I shall focus on the first type. It allows a stallion to repay any substantial ‘score’ to the Empire and its ruler by offering up a mare they are currently married to.”
Shining sprang up from the chair, toppling it, his very shout almost sending the paperwork flying.
“What?!”
Legal Basis but smiled calmly, taking out a tissue from the desk and nonchalantly swiping a little bit of spit that stained the desk. “Indeed. A rare precedence, but entirely applicable, as it happens. The discerned value of said mare, at the discretion of the ruler of the Empire, or an official handling debts of said kind, is subtracted from the owed amount and can even pay it in full. The marriage is considered annulled and the mare is transferred to the ruler or the official, leaving the stallion free of his burden. More than one kind, I suppose some would say.”
Shining couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His eyes were darting from one set of documents to the other faster than he could think possible.
It might have been a small epileptic attack, actually.
“As I would the one obtaining the mare, I would say that Her Majesty Princess Mi Amore Cadenza would be, without a doubt, worth the entirety of your debt, sir. If you would only sign the document here, the owed amount shall be entirely paid,” Legal Basis stated, gently pointing at the correct page. “And with any and all interest too, I calculate. Or, you can choose the other option, though it seems more complex and tiresome.”
The stallion took the two, proper papers and slid them in Shining Armor’s direction.
“To put it simply, sir... Your money or your wife.”
Eyes now as small as pinpricks, with all the training that the Royal Guard had given him, and with speed that would put the Wonderbolts to shame, Shining lunged across the desk. His objective – the repayment plan. Grabbing Legal Basis’ own quill with his magic, he flew through the pages, his initials adorning every single one, and his signature, in frightened font, right where the dotted line was.
So quickly that, one could say, it could have been an Academy record.
Shining pretty much threw the deal back at Legal Basis.
“My money!” he screamed like a mad miser. “My money, always!”
The other stallion smiled and this time his expression was sincere. “I am very glad that we have reached a positive conclusion. Allow me to say as well, Prince-Consort, that I am uplifted and encouraged by the purity of your affection towards Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”
Panting like after a whole day of training, Shining swiped his brow. “Thank… thank you, Mr. Basis. Just… please, please, please don’t tell Cadance any of this.” he whined. He begged, actually.
Legal Basis simply skimmed through the paperwork, checking it, and rather happy with it tapped it a few times.
“I... don’t know about that, sir.”
Shining inhaled sharply. “Why… why not?!”
“Well, sir, I think she would be quite impressed with the donations you have just agreed to grant to an Educational Program I have been searching funds for…”
Something creaked and crunched in Shining’s brain, his head tilting to the side on its own. His lips had to mumble without support.
“I-pardon-wha-huh-me?”
“Indeed,” Legal Basis affirmed. He grabbed the first page of the document and presented it right before Shining’s eyes.
It read: “Promise of Donation”.
“The Educational Program shall be directed at mostly foals, as well as young adults, and will consist of a number of basic lessons in dealing with Imperial administration as well as proper, legal conduct. Lesson one: reading a document before signing it, no matter, as it is informally said, 'what malarkey a paper-pushing peddler is selling you’.”
And then the rarest of rare events in time immemorial transpired.
Legal Basis leaned back... and let out a chuckle.
“That will be all, Prince-Consort. Thank you for your time.”
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LOL, "Announcing Princess Flurry Heart: The princess of merchandise, and Princess Cadence: the princess of DEBT!" XD
8834883
... drat, you just gave me more ideas.
Did Shining just get pranked?
8834986
I suppose.
Not sure what to think about Legal Basis suckering Shining into that.
Not gonna lie, I would have figured Shining Armor to grab Legal Basis in his magic and strangle him for even suggesting that he give up his wife to pay off some sort of debt, especially as said sleazebag threatened said wife with death previously.
He pulled a 'Chryssi' on him! I didn't expect that.
8835296
It's for the greater good, darling.
8835375
Hence why a good scare was necessary first to disarm the dear Prince-Consort.
8835952
Dealing with law is a tricky business. I know it well.
There's just one part left unwritten. The part where Legal Basis' wages are docked for lying to a public figure in an official setting. By, let's say, eight hundred and thirty three bits a month.
8836782
Maybe, maybe not.
And now the obligatory wife joke.
Oh come on, you know which one I'm talking about. Do I really have to spell it out?
I mean, of all the obvious and over-done jokes in the world, this one takes the proverbial cake! It was a throw-away gag in a standup routine only funny the first time, and for the next 30 years every hack was spouting it as if it was the most brilliant thing ever created, when in fact it was a very basic form of paraprasdokian etymology!
I'M SO FED UP WITH THIS JOKE THAT I AM NOW SEETHING IN RAGE AND MY HEART IS THUNDEROUSLY POUNDING IN MY CHEST FROM THE PENT-UP FURY OF... GAAHHHHHH!!! HEART ATTACK!! OH GOD!! THIS IS THE BIG ONE, ELIZABETH!! I'M COMIN' TA JOIN YA!!!
(Alondro dies, another unfortunate victim of 'Takemywifepleasitis'. If you or a loved one suffers from this condition, Astrazenica may be able to help.)
8837399
... alright, then.
I'm... going to bury this one in the backyard.
8836782 There is also the part missing about an act tantamount to treason against a member of the royal family... and beheading. By manticore.
He should have waited until Shining left. NOW Shining can murder him in cold blood and claim the bastard attacked him when Shining noticed he was trying to deceive him into signing over funds by duplicitous means.
Of course, in the fight, the paperwork was accidentally destroyed. What a shame. But this is, after all, the tax collector who had threatened the good, beloved Cadance previously! Who would doubt Shining's word against the life of a miserable tax collector no one liked?
Seriously, you don't screw with royals. Especially when they have god-powers.
But honestly... what the hell was this story trying to say? That tax collectors are amoral scum we should murder on sight?
That's what I'm getting... not that I'd be opposed, mind.
8837423
... that it's a comedy based on the regular craziness of my legal profession, not a political statement?
8837415 It rises from the grave to haunt the living...
8837428 I still say it's subliminally commanding me to blow up the IRS. (That'll be my defense. Say... I'm gonna need a defense attorney! Hint hint!)
8837773
Glad you do. And I think it's a given, as long as I work where I work, I shall be coming back to this setting.
8837423
That April 1st is a day to do silly things that don't really make sense.
I am okay with this, even though there's no way anyone could really get away with doing this to their boss.
8838619 I choose to believe this story is a subtle message calling for us to violently revolt and overthrow the world's governments, placing me as the Supreme Emperor.
So... what are you all waiting for?! Go get revolting!
Heh, a nice read, perfect for a late morning tea. By the end I was half-expecting Shining to ask what would be the exact value of Cadance should he go the other way, and whether he would receive compensation should that value amount to more than just his debt.
8839342
Well, I suppose Cadance's value varies depending on who you ask.
Glad I have added to your tea experience with the tale.
I love this reference
I vividly remember it every time I crossed the threshold of a teacher’s office, asking for a tutor for my thesis.
Mhmm I wonder in which circle Legal Basis will end
8839836
A small office somewhere in Limbo, I think.
Hey, I have a new idea for you now that Season 8’s come out!
The EEA, or more specifically Chancellor Neighsay, seems like MLP: FiM’s version of antagonistic bureaucracy, complete with one racist jerk of a bureaucrat.
So, back to the idea. What if, for some reason, Chancellor Neighsay decides to sue Twilight for opening an EEA unaccredited school? And Twilight decides to hire the one and only, the most efficient and most dreaded of bureaucrats, Legal Basis to defend her in court. Throw away the fact that he’s currently an Imperial Tax Collector. After all, he was a highwaypony (AKA brigand). Besides, I’m sure that by now Twilight has heard horror stories about a certain Imperial Tax Collector and his Deadly Legal Speech, along with the Dreaded Legal Documents; also, it’s canon that Twilight heard of him in the first story from Cadance, right? So it’s a great idea.
What do you think?
8841168
Hmmm... Not bad, not bad at all. I will definitely save this idea, though it all depends on the inspiration gathered to write such a thing. I thank you for the concept, though.
8841365
Yay! My idea got considered!
Ahem... *celebratory jig*
In all seriousness though, thanks for considering my idea. Well, whatever may be the case, I wish you luck in your endeavors, and my best regards.
P.S. All your Legal Basis stories have been delightfully funny. Keep up the great work!
8841397
Stay tuned to experience more, friend. I will surely not abandon Legal anytime soon, so more little comedies might appear in the foreseeable future.
8841402
I definitely will, my friend... I definitely will...
Here’s to bureaucracy as comedy, cheers!
I dunno, I can't really find this funny. The fact that it was all a deception, a scam, even if for a good cause, basically ruins it for me. I don't find stories about good ponies being robbed amusing.
8842368
Nothing bad about it, to each their own.
Maybe another one of my stories shall be more to your liking?
8842408
I thought Your Money Or Your Life was rather amusing, and I have your bat pony series on my RIL shelf
8842435
Then I hope those stories will give you the satisfaction that this one did not manage to.
8834903
XD Great! ;3
Ha ! Always read legal documents before signing them, even if it's a chore.
Still, I wonder what was really on the other one... And how much Shining would have been screwed up if he had chosen that one.
8869743
Well...
I am dissapointed, i thought Shining was going to bring up Chrysalis as the "spare wife" to satisfy the contract. Their marriage never was annulled!
8916032
I have my legal doubts if it ever became a thing, though, I admit, an amusing, alternative scenario.
8946978
See, that's why Legal went with this scheme against Shining and not a person like you.
I have to confess, you surprised me. I expected him to somehow be married to Chrysalis, and pay his taxes that way.
8980540
It's a funny possibility, but I think this granted more of the panic factor.
8980574
I know. Can't wait to see what happens with Twilight when she realizes what that burn-mark meant.
8981119
That's another tale, but... yeah, working on that.
8981150
And now if anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about wants to know...
9386207
I also have a thing for Chaos and spleens, but I doubt anybody caught that reference.
8946978
Technically, she would be transferred to the official handling the debts on a strict reading of the "law" being applied, unless that part was edited in later.
(emphasis mine)
Though whether or not the law itself is real to begin with is up for interpretation given the end result of the encounter. I'm more interested in what the documentation for giving up "his wife" actually said because I somehow doubt it was actually that given the state of the other set of documentation.
8981162
Know what?
10200180
What I meant about Twilight and the burn mark. Like Gulheru said, though, it's another story. Journey with a Batpony, specifically.
And if anyone who hasn't read that story reads the comment on this story, they might be curious enough to look at the other one. At this point, though, I think most of the people reading this story will be reading that one too.
9958064
She the ruler of the country if she found out about such a law she could ahve it immediately annulled
The princess is the ruler of the country and could easily just annul the law not to menti9on pay her husbands debt