• Member Since 5th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 21st, 2020

loopertooper


Brony, gamer, and I want to design games when I grow up. I have a WILD IMAGINATION and sometimes like to write. If I do write please don't be afraid to criticize me. :) /)

T

Brothers Hyperactive and Over Critical are normal stallions who live in Ponyville. They make a living for themselves until one day a storm arises which the pegasi can't break up. The brothers are given weird abilities from a power surge from a mystical tradition. Hyperactive is my pony and Over Critical was made by my brother, Donceluzza. If you have an OC pony and you want him or her in the story just send me a message with the name and a description on how the pony looks (ex. cutie mark, colors, type etc.) please enjoy

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 36 )

I didn't like it:applecry:...Others might

DAMN


im deep (Deal with it)


edit: "I look like a shady pony"

As in Slim Shady aka Eminem?

1034237 yeah it was an obvious reference but i still made it

I'll proofread ya, mainly cause ya're nice enough to put my character in yer story.

1069508 you're the best in the world:raritywink::twilightsmile: also my brother sends his best wishes. u no becuz u have to fix my horrible grammer

1069919 no problemo, and tell Donceluzza that I checked out his story, and it wasn't that bad!

I don't know if ya want me to rewrite it here, on in a private message; I'll just do it here. Anyways, I posted the original copy and my rewrite to see different errors and stuff that ya made. My rewrite still pertains to your story, but I added things that could apply your story in a different matter. I hope ya like it.

Chapter 1, Original Copy:
“Hey, Crit, people are asking for you outside. They are yelling bro.” A light blue pegasi is standing over a bed of another pony in the room. The pegasi has a purple vest and a dark blue and dark green mane and tail. He is also wearing a pair of red sunglasses and has a dark blue goatee. His cutie mark depicts a comedy and a tragedy mask with speed lines around it.
“Hyperactive, how many times have I told you to leave me alone whilst I sleep?” The pony in the bed responds back to Hyperactive in a distained voice. The black and grey unicorn shuffled out of the bed and trotted off to the bathroom. The blue pegasi trotted off to the window.
“I guess he’ll be out soon.” He told the crowd who all sighed and dispersed. “Okay, they’re gone. I got to go, bro. Meet up later? I don’t know, how bout… 2:30 PM?” The other pony responded with a grunt. Hyper shrugged and fly off in a flash. The pony peeked out and sighed. He was a grey pony with a black and grey mane and tail. He wore black reading glasses and a black beret and a grey goatee. His cutie mark depicted a pony in the thinker position. His name is Over Critical. Critical sat on his bed and looked around at the well kempt room. Next to his large television was a shelf of pony movies. Then he got up and trotted off towards the door. He looked over at the pictures on the drawer. The pictures showed him and Hyperactive as colts smiling and laughing. Next to that was a picture of Over Critical and Rarity. Critical opened the door with his magic and trotted off.
He went to Rarity’s boutique. When there, he knocked on the door and then proceeded to enter. There he saw Rarity making a dress. Once Critical’s presence was known, Rarity turned around and smiled and galloped over to the unicorn. She embraced Critical and smiled.
“Oh, good Crit, look a new hat.” Rarity handled a large hat with a large purple plume. Rarity battered her eyelashes towards Crit. He sighed and took off his hat and tried on the new hat that Rarity presented towards him.
“Umm… what is wrong with my hat?” Crit asked trying to pass off the new hat handed to him.
“It’s soooooooo boring.” Rarity was ready for the unicorn’s answer and his attempts to get back to wearing his subtle hat.
“That is why I like it, it isn’t eccentric.” Crit quickly embraced the white unicorn, threw the hat onto a hanger and grabbed his own then ran.
He then stopped in front of a theater studio. He entered it and saw his brother. He is shouting at another pony in a dress. Crit took a seat and watched the performance of his “enthusiastic” brother. Once the scene was done the director praised the two actors and then asked the other actors to get on stage and do there scene. Crit left before his brother noticed and went on home to get some work done. On the way back, he picked up food from the vendors and then stopped off by the library to get a book from Twilight.
Once he arrived at the house he put in a movie to review. Over Critical is a respected reviewer and writer. Today’s review is of Highlandpony: The Source. The movie tired the unicorn out. He stopped the movie to eat out with his brother.
“So, how is your lover dude?” Hyper pushed Crit’s button and laughed loudly as Crit grimaced at him. They were eating at Sugarcube Corner and sat patiently eating as the delightfully quirky pink earth pony, Pinkie Pie.
“HELLOO HYPER!” Pinkie resounded as loud as possible.
“HELLLLLOOOOO PINKIE!” Hyper tried to resound louder than Pinkie.
“HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!” Pinkie yelled so loud that she broke all the glass in the room. Hyper pulled a new pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and laughed with Pinkie.
“Can you two be quiet for one second?” Crit lectured the two playful ponies.
“Quiet?” Pinkie looked confused at the word.
“Not loud.” Crit responded. Then Rarity entered Sugarcube Corner and was waved over to the table by Pinkie. “Oh hello darling.” Crit stood and embraced the unicorn and motioned to a seat. Hyperactive stood and bowed to the unicorn that his brother loved so.
“I’d love to stay and chat, but I got to get back to my audition… wait Pinkie in the play I’m auditioning for, there is a town crier. All you have to do is ring a bell and yell news. The guy who auditioned is okay, but it’s the role you were born to play. So want to come and have some fun?” Pinkie jumped at the idea and told the Cakes who told her to break a hoof. Then all that was left was Over Critical and his fiancée. They sat and talked for a while and then planned the wedding out some more. The wedding was a month away and Rarity was so happy and so was Critical. He joked about finally being out of the house and away from Hyper. Rarity agreed that the two seem to be polar opposites. As they ate, thunder clapped overhead.
“Wait wasn’t it supposed to be dry today?” Rarity asked. The Critical paid for the food and followed Rarity out. There outside was a dark red cloud overhead and around it was the white clouds of earlier times. They both watched as the pegasi tried to solve the problem. Critical galloped to Hyper and Pinkie at the theater house, but saw them standing outside talking to Rainbow Dash. Rarity followed close behind Critical.
“Rainbow what is happening?” Rarity asked frantically towards the confused pegasi.
“I don’t know, we can’t break the clouds.” Rainbow responded worried. The last time they couldn’t get rid of the clouds was when Discord arrived. “We keep trying, but it just rejects us.” Rainbow was just as worried as any other pony.
“Yo, bro what the hell is that?” Hyper pointed his hoof at his brother Critical who jumped back from the glowing circle. The brothers were draw back to the circle though and once they were inside it rose. At that point Celestia came down from Canterlot, she looked as if she had seen a ghost.
“Get away from that circle you two.” Her warning was seconds late as the brothers were already in the circle.
“You two hold a bond.” A mysterious voice, unseen by the two spoke to them while they were in the circle. “You two will fight for the prize.” The brothers were petrified by the power of the circle. “Now become one with each other and form the bound that will win you battles.” The voice continued and then once it said its last words the brothers were moved deeper into the circle and were now deeper in their lost psyche. Hyper then felt a surge of power and so did Over Critical. They both were lifted off the ground and then were thrown out of the circle.
“What the hell… what just happened?” Hyperactive moaned in pain from the surge of power and shuffled for comfort.
“You two have been chosen… I’m sorry I was too late.” Celestia looked downtrodden and apologized to the brothers for some reason.
“Chosen, for what?” Critical finally spoke and looked towards the princess for answers on the circle and the surge of power.
“The war… the winner receives their wish… but to be chosen a bond must be present.” Celestia looked confused.
“Wait, a bond, would brotherhood count?” Hyper looked at Celestia who just nodded at the question given to her. The brothers looked towards each other and then decided that they needed more answers.
“Is there anything else you know?” Critical looked towards Celestia who only nodded slightly.
“Luna and I compete in the end this year, and before she was corrupted, we competed then too.” Celestia hinted that all she knows is what happens and not why. “The other contestants haven’t been decided, but avoid others unless you know you can trust them. Also look for the mark on your bodies. Hide that mark to mask your identity, others will have different marks and if they see yours they will attack.” From what Celestia says, Critical inferred that the symbol on his back and on Hyper’s is the mark of the competition. While thinking, Critical noticed his brother swaying and looking ill.
“Are you oka…?” Before he could finish the brothers fainted.
“Critical!?” Rarity screamed.
“Hyper!?” Pinkie caught him before he hit the ground.
“The surge must have exhausted them. They will be better in the morning.” The princess then departed and the girls carried the two unconscious brothers to their home and then went their separate ways. The brothers thought all this would blow over quickly, but they are sourly mistaken.

Chapter 1, My Rewrite:

"Hey Crit, there are ponies yelling for you outside." spoke a cyan pegasus towered over a bed of another pony's in a room. The pegasus is bearing a purple vest, and a dark blue-green mane and tail. He's also wearing of red sunglasses and dark blue goatee. His flank treasures a comedic and a tragic mask with speed lines.

"Hyperactive, how many times have I told you to leave me alone whilst I sleep?" responded the tired pony on the bed; his disdained tone fought hand and hand with his black and grey coat. Crit shuffled out of his bed, and trotted to the bathroom, while Hyperactive calmly walked over to the window. He saw the excited faces of the ponies outside.

"I guess he'll be out soon." He redundantly announced to the crowd outside, and they sighed and dispersed in disappointment. "Okay, they're gone now bro; I got to leave. Want to meet up later?"

"Ugh, I don't know; how does 2:30 sound?" Crit replied with a subtle grunt, so Hyper just shrugged and flew off. Crit peeked out, and gave a sigh. His grey coat, and his black and grey mane and tail were looking awfully dirty. He decided that he needed to shave his black goatee, so he took off his black beret and glasses. Crit hopped into the shower, and immediately started to wash his body. First, he cleaned his head; he kept cleaning all the way down to his cutie mark that displayed a thinking pony. When he was done showering, he stared at himself in the mirror.

"Dang, Over Critical, you are sure looking fine today!" Critical liked to talk to himself, a lot. Exiting the bathroom, Crit soon found himself sitting on top of his bed. His kempt room didn't really need much more tidying, so he went over to his television. He started to look over a bunch of movies, Eventually, this bored the clean-freak, so his need for interest lead him to the door. Turning around, he saw pictures of him and Hyper as colts smiling, laughing, and just being colts. This memorial piece of art shed a tear in Crit's eyes. He lowered the picture to pick up the next; it was a picture of him and the fashionista from across the streetsta. Ah, he and Rarity appreciated each other's company, very much. A matter of fact, he started to feel lonely due to that photo. Over Critical magically opened his door, and walked over to Carousel Boutique. There he knocked on the door, to be greeted by Rarity's little sister.

"Hi Critical!"

"Hi Sweetiebelle, is Rarity home?"

"Yeah, she is; do you want to come in!?"

"Gladly." He proceeded into the building, and he walked around the boutique. He saw Rarity, in her room, making a dress. Once Rarity acknowledged his presence, she bounced over to him. She embraced him with a welcoming smile that enlightened the whole room.

"Oh good, Crit, your here!"

"Hi Rarity, how have you been?"

"Good, darling." For a brief moment, Rarity and Critical beamed into each other's eyes. Sweetiebelle snickered, but she soon snapped the two back.

"So, ugh, what have you been doing?"

"I've been making you a new hat; it is absolutely divine!" She trotted over and gave him a large hat with a purple plume. Critical stared at the hat, and he looked back at the snowflake unicorn; she was battering her eyes. The adorableness reached down to his heart, enough to make him take off his and put on her's.

"So, Rarity, what's wrong with my hat?"

"The ridges are so bland, the color is so dull, and the shape is so unoriginal! I had to make desperate measures, darling!" stated the posh pony.

"But, for those reasons, is why I love it!" blurted Critical. He embraced the unicorn, quickly swiped his hat, and dashed out the door. Speedily, he trotted across town, in which he stopped in front of a theatrical studio. His curiosity got to the better of him, so he stepped inside the building. Right off the bat, Over Critical noticed his brother. Hyperactive was shouting at another pony; Critical got a seat and watched the show. Once the director called cut, he went up there and told Hyper to leave. Disappointingly, Hyperactive fled the stage, and other actors went up and did the same scene. Critical got up and left before Hyper noticed. Over Critical started off to his house, but he needed to get some supplies. He went over to some vendors for food; he trotted to Twilight Sparkle's tree for a book. After leaving Twilight's, walking down Ponyville, and getting to his house, he put in a movie to review. Over Critical is known for doing this, and todays topic was HighLandPony: The Source. After a few long hours, the movie bored the unicorn. At the same time, Crit's stomach bellowed out a clap of thunder. Over Critical turned around and saw that is was 2:25. Remembering that he was going to hang with Hyper, Critical left the house and went out for some food. Hyper was already there, and he greeted him with a idiotic laugh.

"So, Crit, how is your love dude?" He busted out laughing; Critical grimaced him.

"Hi Hyper." They quietly ate their cupcakes, when the pink pleasurable princess of pony parties came up to them.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII PEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII PPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE, what do ya want!"

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN'''''''TTTTTTT NNNNNNEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD AAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNYYYTTTTTTTHHHHHHHIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG! I JUST CALLED YOU PER!" Pinkie Pie's obnoxious yelling broke the glass of windows and other assortments. Hyper pulled out his other shades, and he put them on.

"Can you two be quiet for a moment." spoke the responsible pony.

"Quiet?" Pinkie's puzzlement made Critical quite worried; she doesn't know what it means.

"Not loud." Crit stated. Then, Rarity entered Sugarcube Corner; Pinkie waved at Rarity, and she sat down.

“Oh hello, darling!.” Crit stood and acknowledged the unicorn and motioned her to a seat. Hyperactive stood and bowed to the unicorn that his brother loved so much.

“I’d love to stay and chat, but I got to get back to my audition… wait, Pinkie, in the play I’m auditioning for, there is a town crier. All you have to do is ring a bell and yell news. The guy who auditioned is okay, but it’s the role you were born to play. So, want to come and have some fun?” Pinkie jumped widly at the idea, and told the Cakes. They allowed her and told her to break a hoof. Pinkie and Hyper bounced away, and Rarity and Critcal stayed. They sat and talked for a while and then planned the wedding out some more. Their wedding was only a month away from today, and Rarity was so happy... and so was Critical. He joked about finally being out of the house and away from Hyper. Rarity giggled cutely, and agreed at how much different the two were. As they ate and chatted, thunder clapped overhead.

“Wait, didn't the pegasi say that it was supposed to be dry today?” Rarity pondered perceptibly.

"Maybe the pegasi forgot?"

The, Critical paid for the food, like a gentlestallion, and he stayed behind Rarity. Outside, there was a dark red cloud overhead and around it was the white clouds that showed up earlier. They both watched as the pegasi tried to fix it. Critical and Rarity galloped to the theatrical studio, and they saw Hyper and Pinkie standing outside, talking to Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash, what is happening?” Rarity asked frantically towards the confused pegasus.

“I don’t know, we can’t break the clouds. We keep trying and trying, but they bounce us back.” Rainbow was just as worried as any other pony. Rainbow started to think about the cotton candy clouds from when Discord was there.

“Yo bro, what the hell is that?” Hyper pointed his hoof at a glowing circle in the sky, which scared Critcal. The brothers were drawn back to the circle, however, and once they were inside the ring, it rose. At that point, Princess Celestia, from Canterlot, came down to Ponyville. She gasped as if she had seen a ghost.

“Get away from that circle you two, or something-.” Her warning were seconds late.

“Hyperactive and Over Critical hold a certain bond.” A mysterious voice, unseen by the two, spoke to them while they were in the circle. “You two will fight for the prize.” The brothers were now petrified by the power of the circle. “Now become one with each other and form the bound that will win your battles.” The voice continued, and then once it said its last words, the brothers were moved deeper into the circle. They were now lost in a field of psyche. Hyper, then, felt a surge of power, and so did Over Critical. They were both lifted into the air, and then they were thrown out of the circle.

“What the hell… what just happened?” Hyperactive moaned in pain, and he started to shuffle for comfort.

“You two have been chosen… I’m sorry; I was too late.” Celestia looked downtrodden; she apologized to the brothers for some reason.

“Chosen, for what?” Critical finally queried; he needed answers for the reason of the ring and power.

“The war… the winner receives their wish… but to be chosen, a bond must be present.” Celestia looked confused.

“Wait, a bond, would brotherhood count?” Hyper looked at Celestia, who just nodded. The brothers looked towards each other and started to ask more questions.

“Is there anything else you know?” Critical looked towards Celestia who only nodded slightly.

“Luna and I compete in the end this year, and before she was corrupted, we competed then too.” Celestia hinted that all she knows is what happens and not why. “The other contestants haven’t been decided, but avoid others unless you know you can trust them. Also, look for the mark on your bodies. Hide that mark to mask your identity, others will have different marks, and if they see yours, they will attack.” From what Celestia said, Critical inferred that the symbol on his back and on Hyper’s is the mark of the competition. While thinking, Critical noticed his brother swaying and looking ill.

“Are you oka-" They both, then, fell into a pit of unconsciousness, scaring everypony on the spot..

“Critical!?” Rarity screamed.

“Hyper!?” Pinkie caught him before he hit the ground.

“The surge must have exhausted them; they will be better in the morning.” The princess, then, departed the scene, and the girls carried the two comatose brothers to their home, and then went their separate ways. The brothers both thought that all of this would blow over quickly, but they are sorely mistaken.

Wow, that took longer than I expected. I hope that ya liked my edited version and I'll see you later.

1074152 :twilightoops::twilightoops::twilightoops::twilightoops: DAMN nice :twilightsmile: i'll post the change and we can do private messages or emails whichever you prefer:twilightsmile:

1074436 That took two hours to write out!:twilightangry2::twilightoops: I didn't know that it would it would take that long!:fluttershbad: I'm sure glad that ya liked the rewrite.

1074472 How did I write without U?:twilightoops:? my bro got someone to edit amnesia

1074486 Wait, so what's happening here? By the way, Donceluzza's a pretty cule guy.

1074494 what you mean I posted the edited version ? sumtin wrong

1074536 i forgot to sight you :facehoof: fixing that now

1074591 bronies are talkin.

tha's wats goin on

hopefully more guys will submit their OC to fight us.

If not and if you want i can send you my brothers OC, since i own it.

For now:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

1115309

1115348 hahaha dont worry i still have some OCs up my sleeve that people sent in if i need more ill tell u ok:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

1115348 Yeah, I'll send my brother's OC. Btw, here is a link to his page: froggier, because he likes frogs

1137321 sweet side characters u 2 can send me them and ill see what I can do okay:twilightsmile: thanks

Submitted mah OC.
Can't wait to see her

getting into the combat portion now. Please give me all the advice that you have on it.:twilightsmile:

1499421 also thanks for dark storm, he was good as the first villain/ eye opener that this shouldn't be taken lightly. Also do you no of the seymor effect from ffX where a villain recurrs throughout a series. Just saying. You are dead in this fic:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright::twilightsmile::ajsmug:

Scootaloo... you... are such a bitch.

You're welcome dude:pinkiehappy:
Also:

He could still remember the .

remember the day.*

He embraced the unicorn, quickly swiping his hat without her noticing, and dashed out the door, without eve, saying goodbye.

without even saying goodbye*

Sorry, forgot to proofread my own stuff:twilightsheepish:

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