Brothers Hyperactive and Over Critical are normal stallions who live in Ponyville. They make a living for themselves until one day a storm arises which the pegasi can't break up. The brothers are given weird abilities from a power surge from a mystical tradition. Hyperactive is my pony and Over Critical was made by my brother, Donceluzza. If you have an OC pony and you want him or her in the story just send me a message with the name and a description on how the pony looks (ex. cutie mark, colors, type etc.) please enjoy
I didn't like it...Others might
LIKE!
me gusta
hope mines next
DAMN
im deep (Deal with it)
edit: "I look like a shady pony"
As in Slim Shady aka Eminem?
1034237 yeah it was an obvious reference but i still made it
1069508 you're the best in the world also my brother sends his best wishes. u no becuz u have to fix my horrible grammer
1069919 no problemo, and tell Donceluzza that I checked out his story, and it wasn't that bad!
I don't know if ya want me to rewrite it here, on in a private message; I'll just do it here. Anyways, I posted the original copy and my rewrite to see different errors and stuff that ya made. My rewrite still pertains to your story, but I added things that could apply your story in a different matter. I hope ya like it.
Chapter 1, Original Copy:
“Hey, Crit, people are asking for you outside. They are yelling bro.” A light blue pegasi is standing over a bed of another pony in the room. The pegasi has a purple vest and a dark blue and dark green mane and tail. He is also wearing a pair of red sunglasses and has a dark blue goatee. His cutie mark depicts a comedy and a tragedy mask with speed lines around it.
“Hyperactive, how many times have I told you to leave me alone whilst I sleep?” The pony in the bed responds back to Hyperactive in a distained voice. The black and grey unicorn shuffled out of the bed and trotted off to the bathroom. The blue pegasi trotted off to the window.
“I guess he’ll be out soon.” He told the crowd who all sighed and dispersed. “Okay, they’re gone. I got to go, bro. Meet up later? I don’t know, how bout… 2:30 PM?” The other pony responded with a grunt. Hyper shrugged and fly off in a flash. The pony peeked out and sighed. He was a grey pony with a black and grey mane and tail. He wore black reading glasses and a black beret and a grey goatee. His cutie mark depicted a pony in the thinker position. His name is Over Critical. Critical sat on his bed and looked around at the well kempt room. Next to his large television was a shelf of pony movies. Then he got up and trotted off towards the door. He looked over at the pictures on the drawer. The pictures showed him and Hyperactive as colts smiling and laughing. Next to that was a picture of Over Critical and Rarity. Critical opened the door with his magic and trotted off.
He went to Rarity’s boutique. When there, he knocked on the door and then proceeded to enter. There he saw Rarity making a dress. Once Critical’s presence was known, Rarity turned around and smiled and galloped over to the unicorn. She embraced Critical and smiled.
“Oh, good Crit, look a new hat.” Rarity handled a large hat with a large purple plume. Rarity battered her eyelashes towards Crit. He sighed and took off his hat and tried on the new hat that Rarity presented towards him.
“Umm… what is wrong with my hat?” Crit asked trying to pass off the new hat handed to him.
“It’s soooooooo boring.” Rarity was ready for the unicorn’s answer and his attempts to get back to wearing his subtle hat.
“That is why I like it, it isn’t eccentric.” Crit quickly embraced the white unicorn, threw the hat onto a hanger and grabbed his own then ran.
He then stopped in front of a theater studio. He entered it and saw his brother. He is shouting at another pony in a dress. Crit took a seat and watched the performance of his “enthusiastic” brother. Once the scene was done the director praised the two actors and then asked the other actors to get on stage and do there scene. Crit left before his brother noticed and went on home to get some work done. On the way back, he picked up food from the vendors and then stopped off by the library to get a book from Twilight.
Once he arrived at the house he put in a movie to review. Over Critical is a respected reviewer and writer. Today’s review is of Highlandpony: The Source. The movie tired the unicorn out. He stopped the movie to eat out with his brother.
“So, how is your lover dude?” Hyper pushed Crit’s button and laughed loudly as Crit grimaced at him. They were eating at Sugarcube Corner and sat patiently eating as the delightfully quirky pink earth pony, Pinkie Pie.
“HELLOO HYPER!” Pinkie resounded as loud as possible.
“HELLLLLOOOOO PINKIE!” Hyper tried to resound louder than Pinkie.
“HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!” Pinkie yelled so loud that she broke all the glass in the room. Hyper pulled a new pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and laughed with Pinkie.
“Can you two be quiet for one second?” Crit lectured the two playful ponies.
“Quiet?” Pinkie looked confused at the word.
“Not loud.” Crit responded. Then Rarity entered Sugarcube Corner and was waved over to the table by Pinkie. “Oh hello darling.” Crit stood and embraced the unicorn and motioned to a seat. Hyperactive stood and bowed to the unicorn that his brother loved so.
“I’d love to stay and chat, but I got to get back to my audition… wait Pinkie in the play I’m auditioning for, there is a town crier. All you have to do is ring a bell and yell news. The guy who auditioned is okay, but it’s the role you were born to play. So want to come and have some fun?” Pinkie jumped at the idea and told the Cakes who told her to break a hoof. Then all that was left was Over Critical and his fiancée. They sat and talked for a while and then planned the wedding out some more. The wedding was a month away and Rarity was so happy and so was Critical. He joked about finally being out of the house and away from Hyper. Rarity agreed that the two seem to be polar opposites. As they ate, thunder clapped overhead.
“Wait wasn’t it supposed to be dry today?” Rarity asked. The Critical paid for the food and followed Rarity out. There outside was a dark red cloud overhead and around it was the white clouds of earlier times. They both watched as the pegasi tried to solve the problem. Critical galloped to Hyper and Pinkie at the theater house, but saw them standing outside talking to Rainbow Dash. Rarity followed close behind Critical.
“Rainbow what is happening?” Rarity asked frantically towards the confused pegasi.
“I don’t know, we can’t break the clouds.” Rainbow responded worried. The last time they couldn’t get rid of the clouds was when Discord arrived. “We keep trying, but it just rejects us.” Rainbow was just as worried as any other pony.
“Yo, bro what the hell is that?” Hyper pointed his hoof at his brother Critical who jumped back from the glowing circle. The brothers were draw back to the circle though and once they were inside it rose. At that point Celestia came down from Canterlot, she looked as if she had seen a ghost.
“Get away from that circle you two.” Her warning was seconds late as the brothers were already in the circle.
“You two hold a bond.” A mysterious voice, unseen by the two spoke to them while they were in the circle. “You two will fight for the prize.” The brothers were petrified by the power of the circle. “Now become one with each other and form the bound that will win you battles.” The voice continued and then once it said its last words the brothers were moved deeper into the circle and were now deeper in their lost psyche. Hyper then felt a surge of power and so did Over Critical. They both were lifted off the ground and then were thrown out of the circle.
“What the hell… what just happened?” Hyperactive moaned in pain from the surge of power and shuffled for comfort.
“You two have been chosen… I’m sorry I was too late.” Celestia looked downtrodden and apologized to the brothers for some reason.
“Chosen, for what?” Critical finally spoke and looked towards the princess for answers on the circle and the surge of power.
“The war… the winner receives their wish… but to be chosen a bond must be present.” Celestia looked confused.
“Wait, a bond, would brotherhood count?” Hyper looked at Celestia who just nodded at the question given to her. The brothers looked towards each other and then decided that they needed more answers.
“Is there anything else you know?” Critical looked towards Celestia who only nodded slightly.
“Luna and I compete in the end this year, and before she was corrupted, we competed then too.” Celestia hinted that all she knows is what happens and not why. “The other contestants haven’t been decided, but avoid others unless you know you can trust them. Also look for the mark on your bodies. Hide that mark to mask your identity, others will have different marks and if they see yours they will attack.” From what Celestia says, Critical inferred that the symbol on his back and on Hyper’s is the mark of the competition. While thinking, Critical noticed his brother swaying and looking ill.
“Are you oka…?” Before he could finish the brothers fainted.
“Critical!?” Rarity screamed.
“Hyper!?” Pinkie caught him before he hit the ground.
“The surge must have exhausted them. They will be better in the morning.” The princess then departed and the girls carried the two unconscious brothers to their home and then went their separate ways. The brothers thought all this would blow over quickly, but they are sourly mistaken.
Chapter 1, My Rewrite:
Wow, that took longer than I expected. I hope that ya liked my edited version and I'll see you later.
1074152 DAMN nice i'll post the change and we can do private messages or emails whichever you prefer
1074436 That took two hours to write out! I didn't know that it would it would take that long! I'm sure glad that ya liked the rewrite.
1074472 How did I write without U?? my bro got someone to edit amnesia
1074486 Wait, so what's happening here? By the way, Donceluzza's a pretty cule guy.
1074494 what you mean I posted the edited version ? sumtin wrong
1074504 I see what you did there.
1074536 i forgot to sight you fixing that now
1074584 Da cuff is going on here?
1074591 bronies are talkin.
tha's wats goin on
(\ i am loving this
1114659 thanks
hopefully more guys will submit their OC to fight us.
If not and if you want i can send you my brothers OC, since i own it.
For now
1115309
1115348 hahaha dont worry i still have some OCs up my sleeve that people sent in if i need more ill tell u ok
1115490 ok my friend
1115348 Yeah, I'll send my brother's OC. Btw, here is a link to his page: froggier, because he likes frogs
1137321 sweet side characters u 2 can send me them and ill see what I can do okay thanks
Submitted mah OC.
Can't wait to see her
getting into the combat portion now. Please give me all the advice that you have on it.
I'm a ghost bitches
1498642 AHHH YEAH
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120222172824/borderlands/images/f/ff/Maya4.jpg
The tattoos remind me of this
1498694>>1498642
1499421 nice!!!
1499421 also thanks for dark storm, he was good as the first villain/ eye opener that this shouldn't be taken lightly. Also do you no of the seymor effect from ffX where a villain recurrs throughout a series. Just saying. You are dead in this fic
Scootaloo... you... are such a bitch.
You're welcome dude
Also:
remember the day.*
without even saying goodbye*
Sorry, forgot to proofread my own stuff
1921511 fixed