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Sandstorm94


A ling from the southeast US, support me on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/sandstorm94/overview

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This story is a sequel to A Fragile Nightmare


Luna-Moon has been reformed by the Elements of Harmony, with both Luna and Nightmare Moon now sharing the same physical form but their individual mindsets. Now, they have to adjust to life as ruling with Celestia, can they adapt or will they remain in the shadows?

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Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 67 )

This is interesting, but I can't stop reading Luna-Moon as, well...
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/701/155/a53.jpg

Congratulations, you made 3rd place in the "mature disabled" featured box! :twilightsmile:

Gotta still read the finished draft of the first chapter, but you've got yourself a bookmark. Wanna see you take this one. :pinkiesmile:

An interesting start so far, looking forward to more of it.

Also I think you have an unclosed italic tag near "Equestria needs this" the end of the story as the last dozen or so paragraphs are italicized.

Grats on the feature. You're now on the mature list.

I really like the premise, and am looking forward to reading more mate. Though If I had one criticism it's that the transition from reality to mindscape comes a bit without warning, leaving me to pause and go back to reread the last paragraph to see if I jumped something. Perhaps signaling when the scene change happens? An extra line between the two as a few ----- or a second return stroke?

I may have missed it, but did you describe what Luna/Moonie looks like now, or are you waiting for them to address Equestria before doing that?

8807181
Address Equestria in next chapter

I love this story, but you really need to work on your old-time speak (and the rest of the grammar too). For example:

“But thy did nothing to stop it.” Moon said interrupting, her tone cold as frozen still, her glare the force of a full army throwing their daggers. “Thou eyes were blinded, thy couldn't see a lie if it slapped you across the muzzle… thou art nothing but a foolish pony Celestia.”

"But thou did nothing to stop it," Moon interrupted, her tone cold as ice, her glare the force of a full army throwing their daggers. "Thine eyes were blinded. Thou couldn't see a lie if it slapped thee across the muzzle... Thou art nothing but a foolish pony, Celestia."

If you need a second editor, I'd be willing to handle it, as long as the chapters don't come too fast. This is such a wonderful story, but the grammatical errors make it very hard to enjoy.

consider me interested ^^

8807254
qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-fe2ca2c2fee4fed908336a94051b6162

I usually edit Sandstorm's stuff, but I've run into medical issues over the past week so he wound up flying solo, other than a quick pass I did, for a bit here.

Now, rest in your moonlight’s embrace… I love you.”

The single greatest MLP song ever.

This is pretty good but I feel like you squished the action of like 5 chapters into one. The entire thing takes on a surreal feeling as we glide from one direct expositing of information to the next then from one point of action to the next without a break in the action.

I had high hopes for an expanded series based on such an interesting idea but it didnt seem like it turned out well.

Breaking down the wall happened too fast for it to be impactful, characters litterly express their doubts, not in normal conversation but rather as litterly saying. "I have my doubts."

Almost all conflict with Celestia is concluded, which was easily the most interesting conflict. With the aproval of Celestia and the bearers their doesnt seem to be any reason for this story to continue. You created interesting plot threads and then wrapped them up so quickly you left nothing to any future chapters.

Honestly this story is complete as it stands right now.

For future referance you need overarching plot threads to tie a story together unless your running something purely episodic which wasnt what I thought this story would be.

Celestia shuddered, some very unpleasant memories coming to mind at the mention of their so-called 'wars’, each ending badly for her with Luna winning more times than not. She still didn't forget the time Luna replaced her coat cleaner with bleach, and never will forget since her coat never did revert back to its original sunrise orange.

8807322
Okay, great! It's neat to see that all laid out in chart form like that. (And a little humiliating... I thought "thine" was for plural words and "thy" was for singular.)

8807382

Keep in mind, this is taking place at the start of the series, so I got a lot to work with

8807595
Like what?
The door would have been interesting.
The bearers would have been interesting.
The inner conflict between them would have been interesting.
Celestia would have been interesting.

All the plot threads you laid out are wrapped up and if you are going to lay them out and wrap them up this quick I dont think i'd enjoy any plot you might write, as knowing your writing its only going to last about a thousand words at most.

In order to keep interest you MUST have threads that last between chapters. Mysteries not solved, things left unresolved. There must be a reason to return.

Also, that title is bland in the extreme. You may as well call it. "Generic Nightmare Redemption Fic you probably read a dozen times already."

8807650
And starting with the next chapter that is what is going to happen...

The purpose of this chapter is actually a plot thread, acting as a "bridge" between the original story and what is to come. Things are going to slow down and really become deep starting with addressing the citizens. I apologize for making this seem rushed (and with me working 6 days a week... It kinda was), but I really wanted to build Luna-Moon's character, so that is what I did. Everything will eventually come full circle, and some elements (no pun intended) from this chapter will be brought back up later.

8807380
Thanks for getting the reference to their whole dialogue at the beginning, I love that song and wanted to use it somewhere so I rolled the dice and took a gamble...I think it turned out well

8807674
I dont know man, I feel like you tried to squeeze Luna moon's entire story arch into a single chapter and despite just how terrible that turned out you did it anyway. When you want to flesh out a character you dont have to flesh out their entire character in one go. You dont have to sit down and list every fear and anxiety they have then promptly resolve all of it.
Its just boring and knowing that is what you think good character progression is does not give me alot of faith to any additional chapters.

8807785
Will keep that in mind going forward

8807801
If I have any words of wisdom to give it would be this. You dont string along a story, you weave it.

Intertwining plot threads untill they create something beutiful only to slowly untie them, unwinding the mass of plot threads slowly, always leaving another mystery to be solved next chapter, another character to be fleshed out, another conflict to be ended. Any object you bring up, add importance to, then solve in the same chapter will not be remembered. They will be a blip the reader wont ever think back to.

Never solve a problem the same chapter you bring it up, always string your plot threads together and never have the character say what they are feeling. Ask yourself, "If I was feeling that, what would I say or do?"

This sequel fills in the gaps the previous one had. It feels like a much complete tale, and I eagerly await for its continuation.

Before I say anything else, I want to note that this has been a wonderful story so far. I am very much looking forward to watching how things progress. There are elements in this that intrigue me and I want to know more. :twilightsmile:

That said.

I noticed it was already brought up, but I simply must emphasize the matter.

Good gravy and all that is turkey day! :facehoof:

You need to get your old pronoun use in line. That was all over the place and made for a very distracting read because it was clear that it was written without any real grasp of the definitions.

Borrowed from this: Link

Thee, thou, and thine (or thy) are Early Modern English second person singular pronouns. Thou is the subject form (nominative), thee is the object form, and thy/thine is the possessive form.

Before they all merged into the catch-all form you, English second person pronouns distinguished between nominative and objective, as well as between singular and plural (or formal):

thou - singular informal, subject (Thou art here. = You are here.)
thee - singular informal, object (He gave it to thee.)
ye - plural or formal, subject
you - plural or formal, object

Interestingly, when the first English translations of the Bible were being made, the informal thee and thou were used specifically in reference to God to indicate an approachable, familiar God, but as the language changed this paradoxically brought thee and thou to sound more formal to the modern English speaker.

Please don't take that as discouragement. A short focus on editing to correct this chapter's incorrect usages would eliminate the issue entirely. I would also encourage you to investigate terms like 'hast' and 'prithee' to further enhance your use of proper period speech. If you did so, it would deepen the effect even further, depending upon how important it is to Moon's personal speech patterns in the story.

8807880
To put yet another perspective on it, let's say that the setting, and everything in it; personalities, history, culture, everything, is like a still pond. Now, Into this still pond/setting we toss a single pebble/event and watch the ripples go. The stone is the single defining moment, the crux, that touches everything moving forward; the Sonic Rainboom to give an in-canon example. The ripples in the pond are the actions, reactions, and everyday endeavors of the inhabitants of our story, the "characters"; all defined, shaped, and, in some way, influenced by this moment. They respond to the changes in their life, and others respond to them, and so the world turns, and so the story goes.

There never really is such a thing as a truly resolved plot point; after all, just because the villain is defeated does not mean that the lessons of her legacy are forgotten. Neither do the scars garnered as consequence of her actions easily fade. Our memories stay with us forever and make up a significant part of our mortal nature, influencing our beliefs, our likes and dislikes, our dreams, everything. Thus the past stretches into the future, thus the story, thus Ripples.

Zog that got right proper zen, dinn'it? Ach, the dangers of listening to good music with plenty of caffeine at oh-dark-thirty, your brain goes to the strangest places. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that a writer ought to treat their task like a historian. You don't need to make anything up, just write down what happens. Treat the characters like real people, and think about how people react to things. They laugh, they cry, they remember and they live. So just flick the surface of that pool, just the slightest touch, and see where those ripples go!

Luna-Moon blinked, her eyes becoming slitted, showing the former evil being was now in control.

Using the eyes to show the current persona? Good idea!

"What is it thoust wishes us to promise? Let us guess, not to overthrow thyself? Or perhaps to not try and banish thyself to thou own sun?"
“i do not blame you for guessing those kind of things, and although I hope you don't do them, but that is not what I want you to promise. I want you to promise me that you will protect her with your very life, something that I failed to do.”

Moon: "Okay... To the suuuuuuuun!"
(Note: The "i" should be uppercase.)

Celestia shuddered, some very unpleasant memories coming to mind at the mention of their so-called 'wars’, each ending badly for her with Luna winning more times than not. She still didn't forget the time Luna replaced her coat cleaner with bleach, and never will forget since her coat never did revert back to its original sunrise orange.

Okay, that was really evil, Luna.

Nice story!
Good to see it continuing.

Interesting story so far. It seems a bit rushed but nothing too terrible.

“Thou art correct Luna,” Moon said basking in the light of the full moon. “but we feel it is meet that we have first turn of dominion over our shared fleshly form. It is our desire to tell our sister and the Elemental Bearers what took place here.”

This paragraph is not running well. Especially the second sentence.

8836582
Damn autocorrect.... Thanks for pointing it out, and it was kinda rushed due to having a tight deadline

Please tell me that it will be the nobles that are arrested, because that would be hilarious.

I look forward to seeing where this goes.

Will this continue someday

Celestia shuddered, some very unpleasant memories coming to mind at the mention of their so-called 'wars’, each ending badly for her with Luna winning more times than not. She still didn't forget the time Luna replaced her coat cleaner with bleach, and never will forget since her coat never did revert back to its original sunrise orange.

are you implying that Sunset Shimmer is related to celestia somehow?

9309664
No, not at all. Keep in mind Mrs. Cake has the same coat color as Rainbow, but they aren't related

Amazing chapter! I laughed my head off over the Blueblood thing :rainbowlaugh:

Keep up the good work! Can't wait to see more!

Will look forward to more.

The yearly update is out! See you all in another 11months!

9440425
It is now part of the Patreon wish list, so it will be shorter interval

Celestia's great-great-grandniece

This indicates Blueblood is a mare, then a couple paragraphs later, he is attached to the male pronoun.

9440558
Notice my author note:

"Also, Guilded calling Blueblood Celestia's great-great-grandniece was a slip up I did not catch (a viewer brought it to my attention in a Discord server) but I'm gonna leave it to be used as a parting shot."

Interesting stories. The idea that Moonie would bee in any condition to fight on returning from the moon, while canon, seemed unlikely to me. Her collapsing seems much more likely and in my opinion makes for a more compelling story. Sadly there are only a small hand full of stories that probe the possibility.

Yours is very well done. While not as dark as the majority of the others, Its well written and I like how you did the split Luna-moon.

I would like to see where your going with this.

The Monk
“To say that Twilight Sparkle went bugfuck would be like saying the Incredible Hulk had some mild anger management issues.” -DustTraveller

Celestia is fooling herself. The report is bound to keep her up for hours yet.

9440636
That end quote.. Holy crap

9440697
I only collect the best ones.

The Monk:
"Knowledge is power and power corrupts, so study and be evil." - Reykan

Ah, a new chapter! :pinkiehappy:

National Prank War Day and the annual Battle of the DJs

Yes, I can totally see Celestia doing that. Just think of the long-term implications. :trollestia:

Imagine, after only a century or two, the "Annual Battle of the DJs", ingrained in ponies minds as "tradition". How the nobility of that future era could simply not miss the opportunity to be seen at the "sh0wd0wn", to perform the traditional "wubwub"-dance, and contribute a most sophisticated beat boxing sample for the "royal dance mix CD". :pinkiecrazy:


"As for the other five, random peasants that make up the others, only Harmony knows why it did so.”

Aaaaand Blueblood establishes himself as the main antagonist. When's he getting his vacation on the moon? :facehoof:


"It takes a majority 3-2 vote"

*sharp intake of breath* :twilightoops:

#politicalcommentary #equestriasettinganexample :rainbowderp:


“Wait, why in Tartarus were you even at that show? I never saw you while I was doing my routine.”

I must admit, I got confused for a bit there who was putting on the show, and who was watching it, until the "penny dropped" for the name "Penny Wise".

Just imagine Prince Blueblood putting on a clown act though. :rainbowlaugh: (Maybe as part of his civic duty?)


“That being shall not be a nuisance for long, for my best scholars are already working on a complex spell matrix to end its existence.”

Silly Blueblood. Openly admitting to planning a murder really isn't the best strategy to get away with it. :derpytongue2:

Plus, that alone is reason enough for his arrest. You know, conspiracy to commit high treason / assassination of a country's leader? :trollestia:


I created the Nightmare.

[...]

Yet, for all the praise I received, Luna received none. I foolishly let it get to my head, and ignored all of Luna's pleas and begging to help her. [...] That, my little ponies, is how Nightmare Moon came to be.

Ah, that statement had me confused for a moment there. Celestia caused the Nightmare to be born, albeit indirectly. I see what she's doing, phrasing it like this will get ponies to think of Nightmare Moon differently. :twilightsmile:

Though for a second I thought she was claiming to be Nightmare Moon's mother or something. :rainbowhuh: :twilightblush:


"Daybreaker, my evil self, wishes for eternal day."

Hmm. What is Daybreaker in this continuity, exactly? An imaginary alter ego with no agency of its own, a mental voice whispering "burn them all" whenever Celestia has to suffer through a particularly facehoof-worthy court session, or an actual living entity like the Nightmare, trapped in Celestia's mind, whom she has to subdue from gaining power?

Is Daybreaker Nightmare Moon's "sister"? :rainbowhuh:

Also, if she ever did take control of Celestia's body - how strange a scenario it would be indeed, for Nightmare Moon to be the one to protect Equestria from her... :derpyderp1:


"The crown I wear is a symbol, the symbol that I do love and care for every citizen of Equestria..."

It was at this precise moment that a blur of black chitin swooped in and snatched away Princess Celestia's crown. "Mine!" said Queen Chrysalis, as she flew away, gnawing fiercely on the crown.

With the symbol for love and care for every citizen of Equestria gone, Celestia promptly errupted into flames and turned into Daybreaker.

I'm sorry, I couldn't stop thinking that. :trollestia:


“I forgave my sister for what she did, just as I hope in time you will forgive Moonie for her actions.“

Keep in mind, that in "A Fragile Nightmare", NMM didn't really do anything to the general public after her return. There was no threat of eternal night from her - she had all her hooves full coughing up a storm and maybe haunting the dreams of six specific ponies and that was all.

As such, her only crimes are those from 1000 years ago, and that's something she's long since served her sentence in full and a half for. If ponies didn't have fairy tales about Nightmare Moon gobbling up foals, they probably wouldn't have anything basis for disliking her at all, other than perhaps her "scary looks"... Which could be fixed by simply "changing her image" a bit. Go for some wacky PR-stunts.

Like... putting on more "friendly" clothes, a different mane-style, or wearing a ridiculous outfit that inspires confused snickers rather than fear. Learning to put on a more friendly smile from Pinkie Pie would probably be the harder part there.

You really don't want ponies to think of her as an evil monster, so... what kind of clothes and manestyle could she wear that completely wreck that mental image ponies have of her? Like... going to Penny Wise's clown-show and then getting on stage as part of the act. (Maybe don't wear clowns makeup though, that could easily backfire.)

If she wants to look more dignified, well ---- Nightmare Moon in a business suit probably makes her look like a loan shark, but it subconsciously would get ponies to not instantly throw fruit at her. Ponies know "evil queens and princesses" from fairy tales, and "taking up pitchforks to drive away the evil monster" is the logical next thought from that reasoning. But somepony wearing a nice suit and a tie? You just don't do that with business people. It wouldn't fit that fairy tale pattern, and force ponies away from that line of thought. :derpytongue2:

Plus, the mental image of Nightmare Moon in bizarre outfits with hilarious mane-styles is pretty funny.

"Soon after, Moonie was not only able to feed off of nightmares, but also to my horror manipulate them."

...Unless this line means to imply NMM was giving all citizens of Equestria nightmares purposely for centuries, in which case she may be responsible for possible psychological damage, maybe? Like... could some pony step forward and blame her for "that reoccurring dream with the giant purple cow that's been haunting me for years - I can't look cows in the eyes anymore without getting a panic attack!" :flutterrage:

In which case NMM could probably work on fixing that, by helping ponies overcome their fears in the dreamscape similar to what Luna does, but more directed at those she wronged specifically. (Actually, are they separate in the dreamscape?)


“It's a trap!” Berry Punch said.

Go home, Berry, you're drunk. :ajsmug:


Much to each alicorns’ dismay, but to Blueblood's delight, nearly everypony agreed and started to look for things to throw.

You're all drunk. :ajbemused:


“This is us, our combined form”

I had to re-read this, because my initial mental image went a little something like this:

images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/intermediary/f/359fa84c-4492-4ffc-a3fe-cca85d9f8cd3/d6y5fbt-3b245aab-fdf5-4aec-950a-0e6250ba0683.png

Which, admittedly, would also have been a valid way to resolve the two-ponies-in-one-body scenario. :rainbowwild:


Taking off their enchanted helmets, Rainbow and Applejack's heads returned to normal shortly after.

Ah. I read this part using text-to-speech software while going for a walk, so I might've misheard something - but since you kept saying "the batpony guard" and "the other batpony guard", and only specifically stated that one of them was a "her", my mind automatically filled in the missing pronoun for the "other batpony guard" as male.

And then I kept wondering on my way home "Wait, which one of them was the stallion?" :pinkiegasp:


The idea of making AJ and Dash into pseudo-batponies is interesting; it allows Dash and AJ to take their competitive streak to the skies, for one.

Also, I find it noteworthy that Applejack seems to have taken a liking to mangoes. Careful there, AJ, or they might call you Mangojack! ;)

Do natural-born, regular batponies still exist in this continuity, I wonder? :trixieshiftright:

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