Corundum
Corundum
Starlight glanced up, to see that Maud was back in her seat. “The two main kinds of corundum are ruby and sapphire,” she noted. “Which one is this going to be?”
“There’s also emery, used for grinding things down.”
“Are you describing what’s going to happen to Twilight and me in the chapter, or to me reading the chapter?”
“…Yes.”
“This ought to work,” Starlight said, leading Maud into a dark and narrow alley.
It occurred to Maud that not once did anypony (or anyffony for that matter) question what a big and intimidating unicorn was doing with a small and meek earth pony filly on the streets of Cloudsdale. Not even when she was being taken into a dark and narrow alley in full view of dozens of witnesses. As much as she dreaded her trips to Rockville, she was pretty sure that somepony would have said something in this scenario. Maybe that was part of the “annoying but forgettable” spell.
Of course, Maud wasn’t being led into this alley by a stranger. Not anymore. Which is why she felt confident to raise a question or two that might have cost her her head just a few hours earlier.
“What happens to one Equestria when you change history and create a new one?” she asked.
“They replace each other.” Starlight turned back to look at Maud. “You didn’t think that each parallel universe continued to exist after the next change, did you? That would make me into some kind of monster! I mean imagine, every world, no matter how close to perfect I could make it, would have some losers who did not deserve their misery. And with how many loops we’ve made, that would be millions upon millions of miserable ponies, created by me? No amount of revenge, however noble, would justify that!”
“Oh. Good. Another question: When you two fight, each cycle is about two hours or so, from your appearance to Twilight casting the return spell?”
“Usually. Obviously there are times when we are worn out and Twilight decides to spend the night in the world I’ve sent her to—this is one of those times. But outside of that, two hours sounds about right.”
“So why does the whole day loop around your appearances?”
“Ah, well the reason for that is that the universe likes round numbers. It uses far less magic to wall off this one day and loop inside it than to loop time at the precise moments when we appear and disappear.”
So when Twilight and Spike do decide to spend the night in their alternate future, they go to sleep on Tuesday night, and wake up on Tuesday morning.
A ragged circle of light appeared before Starlight, fading to show a nighttime scene in a (ground-bound) city or town. “I’ve always wanted to visit one of these alternate futures, in order to disprove Twilight’s outrageous claims of apocalypses…‘apocalypsi’? Whatever. But I couldn’t pick any one where I had brought up my doubts, because I’m sure she’d use illusion magic to make it look like a dead world when in fact everything was fine. I don’t see Twilight, so let’s go.”
Maud reached out to stop her. “I feel I need to make a full disclosure. I believe that my sister is probably a member of your enemy’s friendship circle, and this ‘sonic rainbow’ thing will give her her cutie mark.”
Starlight turned around in shock. “Why are you telling me this?”
“To stave off a really annoying dramatic convention. Also, to demonstrate my trust. That and she’ll probably be waiting for us on the other side of that portal, given my luck.”
“Well if that’s the case, why didn’t you side with Twilight?”
“Originally? Dumb luck. But now, because I can’t be sure that my sister will be happier with Twilight. The way you make it sound, my sister is just one of Twilight’s sidekicks, probably the one who’s always delivering the ‘doom-and-gloom’ message. Without Twilight, without her cutie mark, maybe she would be able to find her way…with your help.”
“I…I really appreciate that, Maud.”
“…Pie. The full name’s Maud Pie.”
Starlight looked at her as if she had gone insane. “Maud…Pie. You’re Pinkie’s sister.”
“Yup.”
“I have a lot of questions, but they really have nothing to do with the matter at hoof, so onward…to destiny!”
“To destiny.”
The pair stepped through the portal, traveling a dozen years in time and thousands of strides both east and down. They arrived in Ponyville, an hour before midnight.
They were on a sidewalk on the edge of a park. Frequently-spaced lights kept everything illuminated, and equally well-spaced signs listed dozens of rules to be followed by anyone daring to use this public space. Atop a hill could be seen a crystal table.
“Well, that’s the one part of Twilight’s story that had to be true—that the map somehow survives in any world, even if she never becomes a princess, even if there’s no castle.” She stepped onto the grass, followed by Maud.
“Halt, in the name of the law!”
The two turned to see a royal guard with a brilliantly glowing horn.
“Is there a problem, officer?” Starlight asked sweetly.
“Do you have a permit to be in this public park?”
Starlight furrowed her brow. “But it’s a public park. Perhaps I violated closing hours…?”
“No. According to Equestrian Statute 5.11.14.146c, no member of the public is allowed to use a public park without filing a letter of intent with the local office of the Bureaucracy with at least eight (8) days notice.” (He actually pronounced both 8’s.)
“We wished to examine that crystal formation,” said Maud. “Has it been there long?”
“No. In fact, it only appeared this morning.”
“Has anypony been able to explain it yet?” asked Maud.
“There were a couple of strange characters that wanted to investigate, but I chased them out of here. One of them claimed to be an unlicensed alicorn, and the other a tame dragon. Since both of those are impossibilities, I showed them what for!”
“Bravo,” Starlight said mockingly.
“Thank you for your public support.”
“So what do you plan to do?”
“Oh, there are a number of experts who have filed plans to examine the table…”
“…But since it’s in a public park, they have to wait eight days.”
“Eight (8) days.”
“That’s what I said.”
“What if it’s dangerous?” asked Starlight. “What if it doesn’t have the public decency to wait eight (8) days before detonating?”
“Well I would have to write up a stern injunction in that case.”
“From your grave.”
“…You know, perhaps I could look the other way while you perform an initial reconnaissance and potential damage assessment. Of course, you would have to wait the required period before actually publishing your findings.”
“Of course,” Starlight said, nearly as dryly as Maud would.
“And you’ll have to submit to a name assessment.”
“A what?”
The officer pulled out a notebook. “Please state your name and the nature of your special talent.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Starlight Glimmer. Destiny-related magic.”
The white unicorn wrote that down. “The talent is acceptable, seeing as that dangerous object could affect all our destinies. But I’m going to have to fine you for the name.”
“What?!”
“‘Starlight Glimmer’. As you can see, the sky is completely obscured by clouds. With no starlight to be glimmering, you should have spent tonight inside. By stepping into a public space, you make yourself subject to Statute 111.1.1.1, the Law of Suitability of Name to Setting. Ten bits.”
As Starlight’s face cycled through several interesting colors, Maud looked around her, then climbed atop the nearest rock formation and bent down to reach into a nearby puddle.
“Maud, could you pay the stallion? I promise I’ll pay you back.”
“Ah, and the minor. What is your name (and mark, if any)?” (You could hear the parentheses.)
“Maud Pie,” she said, holding a mud pie aloft. “And my cutie mark is a rock.” She looked down at the rock.
“Trying to get out of a penalty with a pun?”
“Yes, sir. And here’s your ten bits, which is certainly not a bribe.”
“Good show! That kind of in-depth knowledge of the law will get you far in the Bureaucracy. But a word of caution: don’t even joke about bribery.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Alright, I shall now position myself so I couldn’t possibly witness your act of trespass, and at the same time distract anypony from getting in your way. Be quick!”
Starlight and Maud clambered their way to the top of the hill, to examine the faintly glowing crystal table.
“It is a map,” noted Maud.
“Look, it’s Starlight! And…who is that other pony?”
Starlight turned around. “Ah, it’s Twilight and her little toady. Come on up, I was expecting you.”
“Oh, not you two again!” exclaimed the guard pony.
“Mr. Guard, I’ve been doing my research,” declared the alicorn Twilight Sparkle. “It turns out that the laws of the realm do not apply to dragons, which means that Spike can go wherever he likes without being barred, so long as he refrains from property damage. And as for me…” She used her telekinesis to shove a dictionary beneath the stunned guard’s nose. “There! ‘Twilight’ can be both morning and evening!”
“No fair!” the guard decried in defeat. “There is no room for ambiguity in the law!”
“I need these two for my research,” declared Starlight in an authoritative tone. “You should let them pass.”
Twilight, with Spike on her back, strode carefully over the property line onto the well-manicured lawn. She looked like she expected to be electrocuted. When this didn’t happen, she glared up at Starlight. “What are you up to?”
“I’m waiting for you to come up here so we can talk, Twilight Sparkle. Just talk.”
“Is that so?” asked Spike.
Twilight spent the ascent studying the pony who had not spoken thus far, who was hiding behind the larger Starlight. Finally when she reached the summit, she recognized her. “Maud, is that you?”
Spike hopped down. “You’re right, it is Maud!”
Maud looked over at Starlight. She knew she didn’t have to defend herself.
“I think you’ll find that the Maud you know is significantly older than the one that stands before you,” Starlight said, moving to keep herself between Twilight and Maud.
“You’re right. You must be the Maud Pie from this time. What are you doing here?”
“Maud is here to resolve our conflict. So far, she has had a ton of good ideas.”
“Has she convinced you to give up?” asked Spike.
“She’s convinced me that I haven’t been very clear in making my case,” said Starlight. “And she has proposed a means where we may hopefully reach a compromise.”
“Oh yeah?” Spike said menacingly, as he tried to advance on Maud. The two of them were roughly the same height.
Twilight held out a hoof to block Spike. “I’m willing to hear what a neutral third party has to say.”
“I think you should debate your differences calmly, without resorting to yelling or magical attacks upon one another,” said Maud.
Twilight looked from Maud to Starlight. “And you agree to this?”
“Yes,” said Starlight. She pointed her horn towards the map table.
Twilight and Spike advanced on Starlight.
Maud circled around so she was between them. “Starlight, swear by all you hold dear that you won’t use magic to hurt Twilight or Spike or to alter their minds to make them agree with you. Nor will you attack them in any way, physically or emotionally, until such time as the argument is mutually resolved, or until you two separate by at least a hundred strides to resume your armed conflict.”
“That’s pretty good!” said Starlight. “Did you come up with that swear just now?”
“Swear it,” said Maud.
Starlight repeated the swear, needing only two corrections from Maud.
“Now you do the same,” Maud instructed Twilight and Spike.
And they did. Twilight even “Pinkie-promised”, which earned quite a concerned glare from Maud.
“Now then…” Maud prompted Starlight.
“Oh, yes! I propose to use the magic of the map to show you memories which will demonstrate my point about the evil effects of cutie marks. And once you learn the same spell, you are permitted to use it to try and convince me of the usefulness of your own cutie mark-centered friendships. That was your idea, right, Maud?”
“No,” said Maud.
“No?”
“I said that you would show each other parts of your pasts. Memories are inadmissible, because they can be colored by emotion, as I know so well with my own memories.”
“She has a point,” noted Spike.
“Alright,” Starlight conceded. “Give me a moment to change the spell from displaying memories to displaying the past—for once, I don’t want history to be changed by our actions. And…I’ve…got it!” A blast of magic struck the table, causing a loud ticking sound as phantom designs of various geometric shapes in circles appeared overhead, rotating in stops and starts. The magical glow spread to include the whole of the table. “Shall we?” Starlight asked, as she leapt into the glow.
With a shrug, Maud followed Starlight. Twilight and Spike looked at each other for a moment before doing the same.
The group found themselves in another town in the middle of the day, with a multi-story water fountain as its centerpiece.
Spike held up one semi-transparent claw to look through it. “Whoa!”
Starlight turned to face the others. “We’re just ghosts here, so don’t worry about being seen or heard. Now then: This is the home of Party Favor, who had a pretty good life until the day he got his cutie mark. Here you can see him being tormented by the neighborhood bullies.”
The area was completely abandoned.
“Alright, it appears that Party Favor got the day wrong when he was telling me this story. Hold on while I look around a bit.” With that, the world around them began rapidly running backwards.
Maud noticed that Starlight’s horn wasn’t glowing. “How are you able to do that without magic?” she asked.
“It’s part of the spell,” Starlight explained, freezing the scene. “Once we’re in the past, any one of us can independently manipulate time and space with a thought.” She then started things moving again.
A couple of hulking earth pony delinquents was sitting in the park and playing jacks—and arguing loudly about who was winning—when a shadow advanced over them. The pair turned to look up in fear…
…At the figure of Party Favor in a royal guard uniform. “Excuse me,” he said, pulling out a pad of paper, “but do you have a permit to be standing in this public park?”
“Oh for crying out loud!”
That was Starlight. The groaning, on the other hoof, was from the bullies.
Party Favor pulled a device out of his hat, a device that was far too big to fit. “Oh, and you’re over the noise limit. Oh dear.”
“Ppplease don’t write us up, Party!” one of the bullies begged. “The law says I can’t get desert for a year if I get one more ticket!”
“Well you should have thought about that before picking this spot to play your game,” Party Favor said sternly.
“Nooooo!”
Without another word, Starlight ripped a hole back to Ponyville, and pulled Maud, Twilight and Spike with him.
“What is wrong with this timeline?!” she exclaimed.
At the bottom of the hill, the officer pulled out a device for measuring volume. After a moment he whistled. “You were that close to getting a ticket, you know.”
Starlight tapped a hoof to the ground a few times in thought. “Alright, let me check the other ponies I wanted to show you first.” She cast her spell and dived into the table.
A few moments later, she rose up to the surface, only to change the color of the glow and dive back down.
She repeated this three more times.
“This timeline is insufferable!” she hissed. Quietly. She then looked down at the guard. “I’m getting to the bottom of this.”
She sashayed down the hill to be right next to the white unicorn. “Say, Mr. Guard,” she breathed more than she said; “I am finding myself quite overcome with infatuation with your devotion to the law. I wonder: who is your inspiration? Who made this wonderful world of out-of-control bureaucracy?”
“Oh, that would be V. O. Jets. Every member of the guard is issued a copy of his authorized biography, so that we may be inspired by his example.”
“May we see it, just for a little bit?”
“Why sure! There’s no regulation against that.”
“It’s a miracle,” Spike muttered under his breath.
The four of them gathered under one of the ultra-bright streetlights to browse the small volume. Here is what they learned:
“Here is what I’ve learned,” Starlight quipped. “You like lists.”
“…It’s true.”
- Vogue On Jets was first inspired to take over the world when he won a bet on a pegasus race by pointing out that there were no rules specifically prohibiting a unicorn from picking up one of the pegasi and using her magic to make that pegasus win. From this experience he realized that rules could be used to accomplish great evil or great good.
- Jets rose to fame by overseeing a reorganization of the royal finances that greatly increased income while also making burdens fair by class.
- He then organized the first modern PR campaign to back a plebiscite that put an end to the bureaucracy’s traditional enemy, the aristocracy.
- The next campaign of laws put an end to childhood bullying, by basically putting the bureaucracy in charge of all foals in Equestria. The genius of the campaign was that the majority of parents never realized that they had just lost control of their own children.
- Princess Celestia did such an awful job of reacting to the series of national disasters that followed that another plebiscite removed her from power. She seemed quite happy to retire to a job of only moving the sun around.
- And the Bureaucracy has ensured the happiness of everypony from that point forever more.
“Alright,” Starlight said after mulling this over. “This world is definitely my creation. I don’t like it.”
“What have you got against bureaucracies?”
“When I was five, a bureaucrat pushed for a ‘consumer protection’ interest adjustment bill that looked so convincing that even Princess Celestia had no problem with it. That was until she discovered after several complaints that a buried part of the bill made it impossible for farms to pay their mortgages. That stallion had ownership of half of Equestria before he was stopped. And I and my family were going to be evicted from our homes so he could hire Diamond Dogs to do our jobs for a bit a day.
“I’m not saying that I’m pro-aristocrat. Just that I think that the balance between bureaucrats and aristocrats exists for a reason.”
“Why don’t you like this world?” asked Spike with a somewhat sinister smile. “After all, it looks like all the problems that you said came from cutie marks have been solved. Bullying is illegal, and mutual respect is mandatory.”
“Yeah, because everypony is ordered to be nice, or pay the penalty. My system would have improved pony nature so that they would be nice naturally.”
Twilight picked up the book with her magic and returned it to the guard. “If I may, I’d like to ask you about these ‘disasters’ the book skips over. For instance, what happened with Nightmare Moon?”
“Wait, Nightmare Moon?” Starlight interrupted. “She’s just a myth.”
The others ignored her.
“Oh, that was Jets at his very best,” the eager guard explained. “When Queen Nightmare Moon took over Equestria, the Bureaucracy under V. O. Jets immediately set out to give her the precise deference due to a reigning monarch a thousand years ago. That included teaching all of us our ‘thees’ and ‘thous’, so that the new ruler would not have to make any adjustments whatsoever for the modern era. The next thing he did was present the Queen with a scientific paper that was so well-written that she had no choice but to agree with its conclusion: that Equestria would become a dead world in less than a hundred years if there weren’t at least two hours of daylight per day. He then made sure that the Queen got all the credit for bringing the sun back. These sorts of improvements went on for two years, by which time Nightmare Moon figured out that she wasn’t really needed to run Equestria at all. Plus she was already beloved by the foals for fighting their nightmares. So she set Celestia free and retired, just like Celestia herself would do a year later.”
“What about the Changelings?”
“We detected their advance at a border outpost. Changelings in disguise are notoriously bad at following complex regulations.”
“And you’re immune to persuasion, because you have no hearts,” Spike quipped.
“I will neither confirm nor deny that statement.”
“Discord?”
“There was a statue in the royal gardens with that name. It disappeared the day after the law was passed controlling what flavor of ice cream you were allowed to order for each hour of the day. The gardener claimed to hear a howl of agony retreating into the stars when it happened.”
“Tirek?”
“Attempted to escape Tartarus on numerous occasions, but never succeeded, thanks to our guards backing up the efforts of Cerberus. I’m telling you, that is one shift rotation you do not want to get.”
“What are you all talking about?” asked Starlight. “I never heard of any of those ponies.”
Neither had Maud, but she chose to remain silent.
“Were you wandering a desert for the past few years?” asked Spike in exasperation.
“As a matter of fact, yes. It was while meditating in the Northern Desert that I came up with the principles of Anti-Markism.” She looked over at the guard. “We, uh, need to look at that table some more.”
“Go right ahead,” the guard said, turning away.
Starlight led the others to the top of the hill, looking more and more frustrated with each step. “Okay, it seems clear that I cannot make my points using the past of this world, so that means…that I have to restore the results of the race.”
“Yes!” proclaimed Spike.
“But…!”
“Aw…”
“But, I require that you do the same for me. Twilight, I need your help to change history so that you and your group never disrupt my village. That way, I’ll have something to gain from this as well as you.”
“That’s really up to the Map,” said Twilight.
“I know,” said Starlight, “but I think it will agree. Especially since this is temporary. We restore the original timeline, with the one change that my village is not interfered with. And then we can use our pasts to debate. Based on the outcome of that debate, I will either agree to disband the village, or you will agree to live without your cutie marks.”
Twilight gave a warning glance back at Spike before answering. “As long as it’s a rational debate, then I’m game.”
Starlight took the group through a portal back to Cloudsdale. With Twilight’s help, she made a copy of the fatal time loop scroll, one that hadn’t been activated. She took them forward in time to the moment of the race, and they all watched as Rainbow Dash generated a Sonic Rainboom to win the race. Starlight tore up the original scroll, ending the spell. She then used the ‘history ghosting’ spell to advance to the moment the Treehouse Castle Map first appeared.
Instead of Starlight’s village, the map directed them to Canterlot. Rarity had to convince Rainbow Dash and Applejack to come along for a trip to the capital city that was sure to be boring (Rainbow’s complaint) and a distraction from the apple farm (Applejack’s complaint).
“Maybe we’ll be attacked by the big, giant hulking Bureaucracy monster!” said Pinkie Pie as the group exited the room.
“I wonder if the friendship problem this time is Moon Dancer?” the phantom Spike asked the phantom Twilight.
“Well I would hope that they aren’t being sent on a fool’s errand, so Moon Dancer is as good a friendship problem as any. Hey Maud, are you alright?”
“Maybe she hasn’t recovered from her first Sonic Rainboom yet,” Spike suggested. “Those things are pretty breathtaking.”
“Was that my sister?” Maud asked.
Twilight looked out the door at the bouncing pink pony. “Yes. I guess this is your first time seeing her like this.”
“Be honest with me, Twilight: are you humoring her, or is she in fact not the completely insane pony that she appears to be?”
“…Wow,” said Spike.
“You know,” added Starlight, “I’ve been wanting to ask that question for ages, but I thought it rather rude.”
“Your sister is the greatest thing to ever happen to Ponyville,” Twilight told her. “And the Maud that she adores, that she writes to constantly, completely understands her.”
Maud looked down at the ground. “I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.”
Starlight stepped between them. “It looks like your map has fulfilled its side of the bargain, and so have I.”
“I’m not happy with it,” said Spike. “Your town is based on a lie.”
“You’re right,” Starlight said quietly. She got out a piece of paper and used her magic to quickly write a letter. “I’m going to send myself a letter under a false name saying that I know that Starlight still has her cutie mark. Knowing myself, that will lead to a night of soul-searching followed by my coming out to the villagers with the truth: That while I desperately want to be an equal alongside my brethren, it is by no artifact but my own innate magic that I can remove the cursed cutie marks, and so I bear my burden in public, while still insisting that in every other respect I am still the same as them.”
“That’s not really the lie I was referring to,” Spike muttered under his breath.
While Spike and Starlight were having their little argument, Maud realized that she didn’t have to take Twilight’s word for it—she could see for herself what Pinkamena’s cutie mark had done for—as well as to—her.
Trying to follow Pinkie Pie through the timestream was a dizzying, random-access flurry of sights and sounds not entirely connected to each other, although always linked through the smell of vanilla and the taste of cotton candy…
“Hey you know what this calls for? A party!”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!”
“My name is Pinkie Pie. And I am here to say, ‘I’m gonna make you smile and I will brighten up your day.’”
“Oh I never leave home without my party cannon!”
“I like funny words! One of my favorite funny words is ‘kumquat’! I didn’t make that one up. I would work in a kumquat orchard just so I could say ‘kumquat’ all day! Kumquat, kumquat, kumquat! And ‘pickle barrel’! Isn’t that just the funnest thing to say? Pickle barrel, pickle barrel, pickle barrel! Say it with me! Pickle barrel, kumquat, pickle barrel, kumquat, pickle barrel, kumquat, chimicherrychanga!”
“Pinkie, stop giving him cake!” “I’m not giving him cake—I’m assaulting him with cake!”
“It fills my heart with sunshine all the while. ‘Cause all I really need’s a smile, smile, smile, from these happy friends of mine.”
“Sometimes, it’s really fun to be scared.” “Pinkie Pie, you’re a genius!” “No I’m not. I’m a chicken!”
“I’d never felt joy like that before! It felt so good I just wanted to keep smiling forever! And I wanted everyone I knew to smile too, but rainbows don't come along that often. I wondered, how else could I create some smiles?”
“It’s true some days are dark and lonely. And maybe you feel sad, but Pinkie will be there to show you that it isn't that bad. There's one thing that makes me happy and makes my whole life worthwhile: And that's when I talk to my friends and get them to smile!”
“Come on everypony, smile, smile, smile! Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine!”
“I always let my imagination run away with me. And then it comes back…with cake!”
“Wow, Maud, I didn’t know that you were so good at drawing ponies!”
Maud walked over to take a look. “Those aren’t mine,” she said. “And that one on the bottom wasn’t there the last time I checked.”
Starlight looked over the figures nervously. Thankfully for her, none of them were moving. “W…what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that Pinkie Pie shrines are self-propagating.”
“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear that.”
What she experienced left Maud even more confused than before. How could a member of the Pie family be this happy? How could she be so skilled at making others happy? What could have possibly happened to turn Pinkamena Diane Pie (most apt descriptor: doomed) into Pinkie Pie?
Stats
Page generated in 0.06 seconds
Total duration
1,010 users online
435,326 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
We're not far from this state of affairs... of course, this sort of thing just turns bullying into genocide as a matter of course, if we are to examine other examples of state-controlled children.
I absolutely adore the two's commentary!
8812881
You mentioned the shrine! Now it's even stronger! (See brand-new author's note.)
Someone's cast a shrinicide spell (the images seem to be broken).
9471049
The images are hosted on a site called vgy.me. The site's Twitter reported that they were down for maintenance on February 18-19. Everything appears to be working now. The site is harmless (as far as I know), so there should be no reason for anybody's servers to block the site.
Just in case this ever happens again, you can use these links to see the original DeviantArt images I resized to make these illustrations, specifically this one, this one, this one, this one, this one and this one.
...So much for the power of Pinkie shrines.
9472248
It's working now (without any changes on my side).