Detective Pony Comics Presents (Vol. 1)

by Coyote de La Mancha

Chapter Three: The Wild Whipped-Cream

WE REJOIN CONUNDRUM AT HER CRIMINAL HIDEOUT, HAVING JUST RETURNED FROM HER LATEST HEIST…

“Batmane?”

The old warehouse was dark as a grave, its silence oppressive as a shroud woven by orphaned widow spiders and worn by a weeping angel. Conundrum went her way carefully through the shadows, placing her newest treasure in its place on her shelf of ill-gotten gains. The black-on-orange sign proudly announced its mistress’ latest conquest: PRICELESS PINK PANTHER DIAMOND.

“Baaatmaaane… hellooooooo…” She half-sang into the darkness. “Are you still here? You didn’t really die from ice cream, did you? No you didn’t. Did you? I mean, that’d be just silly, right?”

Silence.

Conundrum swallowed, laughed a little nervously. “Ha, ha… I mean, I know lots of silly things happen in life. In fact, most of my life has been just silly things happening… all the time…” Her voice trailed off, her last words scarcely more than a whisper, “Yep, just one silly thing after another…”

Silence. Then, a burst of thunder, its accompanying lightning blazing through the occasional cracks in the damaged windows.

Uncertainly, the Mistress of Mystery crept towards her vaunted Room of Refreshments. The moon was lower now, partially illuminating the room with a single shaft of pale light through a boarded-up in the wall to her right. Then lightning flashed again, its uneven staccato of electric photons giving a kind of unlife to the objects before her. She saw her terrible machine at rest, its ICE CREAM DEATH SUNDAE MIXER DEVICE label clearly visible under its empty aperture. The silvery ray landed perfectly on the orange sign like the hoof of a ghost, almost as if to mock her. Below it, the pit trap where she had left Batmane hours ago, dark and still as a tomb.

The only sound was the steady drip, drip, drip of molten ice cream falling from the device’s aperture into the saturnine pit below.

The sinister smell of dairy and pistachios was suffocating.

“Batmane?” she whispered into the pit, even as the thought occurred to her, Wait, didn’t I leave the lights on when I left--?

“Oof!”

The weight fell on her shoulders like a blind roofer made of meteoric iron. The floor rushed up and struck her across the barrel, her face hanging over the pit.

“You may as well give up, Conundrum!”

Even with her ribs savagely compressed by the Dark Knight’s superior weight, Conundrum managed a weak, “Yayyyyy…”

“You’re coming with me!” The raspy growl was commanding, even without the massive athlete pinning her down with an expertise honed by years of agonizing training.

“Ha!” she exclaimed, her defiance rejuvenated. “No mere mortal can confound the awe-inspiringly amazing agility of Conundrum! Mmmf! Mmmf!” The Duchess of Dastardly Deeds struggled against the Caped Crusader’s herculean strength. “You can’t defeat me, Batmane! Mmmf! Say,” a sudden suspicion dawned on her. “Have you put on weight? How did you escape my deathtrap, anyway?”

“None of your… uuurrrrrrp… business, criminal!” the Batmane responded, cuffing the Mistress of Mayhem with expert ease. Inwardly, he groaned. If he never had to eat another scoop of pistachio chip as long as he lived…

“Ha! You fool! Mere hoofcuffs will never—”

“Bat cuffs.”

“Right, bat cuffs, sorry. Mere bat cuffs will never constrain the cantankerous Conundrum!” She tugged several more times as the Caped Crusader spun her on the ground, maintaining control of his erstwhile foe. “Mmmf! Mmmf!” She blinked, staring at the restraints on her forelegs as he administered another set to her hind hooves despite her struggles. “Wow, these are on really good.”

He looked at her, one eyebrow cocked. “Cantankerous?”

She shrugged, good-naturedly.

He peered at her. “Is this all just some game to you?”

She grinned. “Yup!”

He snorted. “We’ll see if it’s still a game when your secret identity is exposed to the world,” he growled, “the consequences of your foul misdeeds crashing down on you, ultimately sending you to jail.”

“My… secret identity?” The arch-criminal’s eyes widened, her voice growing small. “You’re going to expose my… secret… identity?”

“It’s a small punishment in scope of the crimes you’ve committed, you scoundrel!”

She stared at him a moment longer. Then, she burst out laughing.

After several moments, an uncertain Batmane asked, “Uh… why are you laughing?”

“You’re… you’re…” she finally managed to control her laughter long enough to burst out, “You’re the Nark Knight!”

He stared. “What?”

“You’re the Nark Knight!” she giggled. “Ooooo, look out, it’s the Nark Knight! Be good or he’ll tell on you…!”

“I think you’re missing the point, here.”

She managed to look at him for a moment, her mirth barely contained. Then she burst into laughter again, falling before the Shadow Sleuth in helpless hilarity.

He sighed. “Fine. Let’s go, Conundrum.”

A giggle. “Nark Knight!”

“Whatever.”

With his adversary captured at last, Batmane climbed out the window through which he had first entered. As the rain began to fall, he swung into the night, the droplets pelting them both like arrows fired from the very soul of the night itself. Such gravitas, however, was painfully lost upon the Arch Duchess of Anarchy.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee…”

After several minutes of high-rise giggling, Batmane frowned at her in mid-swing. “Seriously?”

“Oh, c’mon, lighten up, Batmane! Where’s your sense of humor?”

“There was nothing humorous about any of this, Conundrum. You’re a villain. You’ve broken and entered into a public facility, stolen priceless jewels.” He snarled, teeth bared, as he fired the next grapnel. “And that’s not even to mention how many innocent children you’ve doubtless deprived of their birthday treats for the next several weeks, just to fuel your diabolical murder machine! Shame on you, Conundrum! Shame on you! You heartless, lawless… criminal—”

“What?!? How can you even think that?!”

She was so genuinely outraged that the Guardian of Canterlot was taken aback. Something wasn’t right here. Landing on a nearby roof, he put her on her hooves, examining her with the expertise only possible for the world’s greatest detective. The cascade continued to fall, her colors slowly beginning to shift beneath its torrent. Frowning, Batmane swiped some off her coat, and tasted it.

“Just as I suspected!” he exclaimed. “Instant gelatin!” Then he peered at her through the rain, his features betraying surprise. “It appears I owe you an apology, Conundrum,” he acknowledged. “I know now there was no ice cream theft. The deadly collection of confection you concocted was entirely your own collection.”

“Of course!” Pinkie Pie grinned. The green and purple dyes were vanishing swiftly, revealing her own shades of pink beneath. She posed in the moonlight. “You like? It’s loads better than hair dye! Easy to buy, easy to put on, easy to wash out… not to mention it’s better tasting. Yum!” She licked some off her own shoulder, then giggled. “I know, the fanfics just write themselves, don’t they?”

“What?”

“Never mind. Anyway, we going to jail?” She perked up again. “‘Cuz I’ve never escaped from a jail before. Magical prisons and mind traps, sure, but never a regular old jail.” She bounced slightly in anticipation, despite all four hooves being cuffed. “This’ll be fun!”

“No,” he growled. “No jails. You’re quite right, they wouldn’t be able to hold you anyway.”

She gasped with delight. “You’re letting me go?” she smiled, sniffling slightly as she wiped away a heartfelt tear. “Aw, Narkie. I knew you were okay.”

“I’m not letting you go.” He threw her over his shoulder again, firing off another grapnel.

“Huh? But you said—”

“No one is above the law. Not even an Element of Harmony,” he growled as he ascended to a higher roof. “Especially an Element of Harmony.” As Batmane leaped down, his cape expanded out like the wings of a blood drinking god, the two of them gliding through the darkness as silent as a demon’s prayer.

At first, Pinkie Pie looked around them both in rapt curiosity, enjoying the novelty of her experiences. Then, slowly, it dawned on her where they were truly headed. True horror began to take root within her soul like a dandelion spawned in Tartarus, as her pleas and cries began in earnest…

CAN IT BE?

IS THE STORY OF THE SHADOW SLEUTH FINALLY TAKING A DARKER TURN??

WHAT TORMENTS COULD POSSIBLY HOLD ONE SUCH AS PINKIE PIE IN SUCH TERROR???

WHAT BIZARRE AND UNSPEAKABLE FATE AWAITS THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF THE ELEMENT OF LAUGHTER????

AND WHAT ABOUT… NAOMI?????

FIND OUT NEXT TIME, BAT BELIEVERS!

SAME BAT-TIME!!

SAME BAT-CHANNEL!!!

Comments

[Sixes_And_Sevens]

I am honestly so glad this has been updated. I was having a bad day until I saw there was a new chapter up, and this has lived up to all my hopes.