Praise Patches

by Emerald Harp

Chapter Two

“All praise be unto Patches, my ball and bulwark against the purple cobra, who causes my talons to play and arms to throw. He is my coach and crew, the one who drives me to dodge. Smite the cobras, oh deity of the dodge, so that us Joes may dwell on thy courts in peace. In your name I pray. Amen.”

The Green Leper breathed deeply and exhaled when the prayer was complete. He turned to see his adopted father who was staring at him in contempt. “I’m right here. You don’t have to rub out prayers into the void when I’m five feet from ya.”

“I’m sorry, father. But I have gotten into the habit of praying to you each day. It is the first thing I do when I rise to carry out your will, and it is the last thing I do before I close my eyes. Without prayer I feel like I am not being a good Joe.”

“Hey, other than making the world’s smallest God damn lizard the team captain for the most important game in the universe, you’re doing fine. In fact, I’d promote you to grand wrench-pope if ya hadn’t of screwed the pooch so hard.”

“Fear not, Your Grace. I am confident that we will drink from the chalice of victory when the dust settles,” replied the emerald dragon confidently.

“We’ll see.” The Leprechaun lord looked at his golden Rolex and scowled. “Where is that little bastard? Did you tell him to meet us here on the fu*#ball court?”

“I think the ponies call it buckball, sire. And yes, I did tell brother Spike to meet us at o’ seven hundred hours.”

“Well, he ain’t here.”

The Green Leper took a swig from his gallon piss jug. “He’ll be here. Just have some patience, father.”

Biting back a scathing reply, Patches wrenched his own jug of yellow fluid from the back of his wheelchair. Before he could down any of the warm bubbly goodness, a little dragon and a purple alicorn blinked into his presence.

“You’re late,” growled Patches.

“Sorry,” Twilight replied. “I just realized that you meant seven o’clock in the morning and . . . what are you two drinking?”

After taking a hit from his jug, Patches smiled crookedly. “Just some loo livations.”

The alicorn stared at the dragon and Leprechaun in growing horror. “Sweet Celestia, that is so gross.”

Patches rolled his eyes. “Oh, so a dog can lick his nuts and it’s cute, but if me and my son want to enjoy the fruits naturally produced by our bodies that’s wrong.” The man in green belched and threw his piss jug behind his back. “I thought you ponies were more evolved than that.”

“No, I’m pretty sure everyone would find that disgusting. No matter what they are or where they came from,” Spike replied.

Patches glared at the smaller dragon for a moment before shrugging. “Your loss. Now put this on. We got a lot of training to do.” Patches snapped his fingers. A set of padded leather armor and a helmet with a faceplate materialized before Spike. “You’re going to need that.”

After putting on his armor with the Green Leper’s help, the young dragon’s lessons began in earnest.

“In the cosmic game layed out by God and Satan there are five Ds. Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.” The words were crudely written on a black chalkboard, and each time the paraplegic spoke, he smacked the board with a metal pointer. He glanced at his audience and snarled, “What do you want, Twilight? Make it quick.”

The pony put her hoof down and looked up from her notes. “Who is God? And who is Satan?”

“For our purposes, God is the owner and CEO of our team. He is my boss, the one I have to answer to if we don’t win.”

“I thought you were God,” Spike chimed in.

“Small ‘g,’ son. I’m the god of Dodge ball. I got the plaque to prove it.” The Leprechaun deftly produced a golden plaque bearing his credentials.

Twilight scanned the plaque while muttering. “In recognition of past services on Earth and your proficiency at ball-handling, I, your heavenly father, hereby lone you a fraction of a fraction of my divinity and power so ye may best and smite my arch enemy in the cosmic game of dodge ball. The one known as Patches O’Houlihan shall resurrect in the realm of Equestria and gather unto him his team of Joes and shall approach the ruler of the realm and make a covenant to secure the recruiting rights. So it is written, so it shall be.” The alicorn blinked. “Signed, GOD.”

Patches nodded. “Keep reading.”

The pony sighed heavily but obeyed. Her eyes widened when she got to the second half of the plaque. “I, Princess Celestia, recognize and accept the divinity of Patches O’Houlihan and grant him authority to recruit willing individuals within the realm of Equestria for the defense of said realm in a game of dodgeball. Signed, Princess Celestia.”

Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes as she stared at her mentor’s signature. “I can’t believe she signed this.”

The Leprechaun shrugged. “Oh, she didn’t believe me either, at first. Otherwise she’d be on this team instead of the purple lizard. So I had to sweeten the deal by putting Equestria on the gold standard by shipping 90% of my golden $h1t nuggets to Canterlot.”

Spike frowned. “So . . . all those bits that everypony uses have come from . . . from . . .

“My ass, where do you think all that shiny goodness was coming from? It sure as hell wasn’t the damn gryphons, I’ll tell ya that. 15 years of prune juice, apples, and baked beans adds up to a literal mountain of gold. Why, one tenth of the Apple Family’s entire harvest comes to my doorstep each year.”

Spike stared at his claws and had a sudden urge to scrub them for forever.

Twilight shook her head to get the disturbing images out of her mind. She changed the subject by asking, “Okay, so who is Satan?”

“That’s enough with the questions, sister. It’s time for the P.E. part of this crash course,” replied Patches. “Hand me my wrenches, boy.”

The Green Leper casually walked behind the Leprechaun with a giddy grin on his face. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I’ve been looking forward to this all day. You’re in for a treat, brother Spike.”

From seemingly out of nowhere, the drake pulled out a large duffel bag from behind Patches’ wheelchair. With a muffled metallic clank, he set the pack down in front of his father. He unzipped the bag and handed the dodgeball deity a large, adjustable wrench.

Spike eyed the wrench and frowned. “What’s that for?”

Patches tested the wind by sticking a finger in his mouth and holding it up in the air. “If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball.” He held the wrench close and uttered some guttural words. The tool began to glow an ominous green.

“What?” asked Spike and Twilight.

Grinning like a mad man, the Leprechaun launched the wrench at the little dragon.

Twilight reacted quickly. She conjured a purple hamster bubble around Spike just before the blunt object could hit. But much to the alicorn’s horror, the wrench past through the barrier and impacted in the center of the dragon’s chest.

The little drake gave an audible “oof” of surprise and was pushed several feet backwards before toppling onto his back.

“Are you insane?” screamed Twilight. Fighting back the urge to blast the cripple from his wheelchair, the pony galloped to where her friend lay. “Spike, Spike, can you hear me? Are you okay?”

Spike stared up at the clouds and blinked. “Uh . . . yeah. I’m fine. In fact it doesn’t hurt at all.” A broad smile covered his face behind his helmet. “Can we do that again.”

“Hell yeah, we’re gonna do it again. And again and again until you start dodging the bastards.” Patches yelled over to where Spike was. “The goal is not to get hit. But don’t try catching em. We’ll work on that later.”

“How’s the armor working, brother Spike?” asked the Green Leper.

Shrugging off a helping hoof from Twilight, Spike got to his feet. “It works great.” Spike looked at the older dragon and for the first time noticed that his fellow drake was wearing armor not dissimilar to his own. “Did you make this leather suit?”

“Yes. And let me tell you it took some time to make. The dragon enchantments had to be perfect. It’s stronger than steel but lighter than cotton. Near impact proof and adjusts to the size and shape of whoever wears it.”

Patches scoffed and whispered to his son. “If we were doing this my way, he’d be blind folded and not wearing that P^&sy suit.”

“I know, father. But if he gets hurt before the big game, that’s not so good either.”

“They’re just wrenches, for God’s sake. It’s not like I’m shooting at him. And he’s a dragon. I thought dragons were supposed to be tough.”

Before the two could carry on their hushed conversation, Spike and Twilight walked over to the pair.

Glaring at Patches, Twilight asked, “What was that green magic you put on that wrench? You could have really hurt Spike if that had hit him in the face.”

“First of all, that was just a little bit of Leprechaun voodoo. It’s power on loan from God, which works on a completely different wavelength then Equestrian mojo.” Before Twilight could ask another question, Patches continued. “Secondly, my training is the only thing that’s going to keep this universe humming along. If I gotta throw wrenches at your boy to win the cosmic game, I’m gonna throw my God damn wrenches, cause that’s how I mold boys into Joes. So yes, he may get hit in the face. He might get a bloody nose. Hell, he might even grow a second penis, who knows? But he won’t die while he’s with me. I promise you that. I need Spike to be at his best when he goes up against the other side. ‘Cause they won’t take it easy on him or his teammates. So back off and let me do my job.”

The alicorn’s lips thinned as she regarded the dodgeball coach. She didn’t say anything for a few heartbeats until at last she looked to her friend. “Spike, do you still want to do this? You don’t have to.”

“Uh, actually Sister Tw--" started the Green Leper.

“He doesn’t have to.” Twilight repeated with more than a little firmness.

The Alicorn felt the talons of Spike gently beckoning her away from Patches. “It’s okay, Twilight. I’ll be alright.”

The pony looked down at the determined face of her lifelong friend. “Spike.” Twilight took a deep breath and mustered her thoughts. “I just don’t want you getting hurt. I’m really worried about you training with . . . with that.” Twilight pointed right at Patches throwing all discretion to the wind. “I don’t see how throwing wrenches at you is going to help you.”

Spike shrugged. “Beats me, but this is something I know I can do. I feel it in my heart. Patches is here for a reason. Celestia wouldn’t have given him permission to put together a team if she didn’t think trouble was coming.”

Twilight thought about that revelation for a moment. “True.”

“And besides,” said Spike. “I won’t be alone in this.” The little dragon looked at his dodgeball coach nervously. “Will I?”

“Are you kidding?” asked Patches. “You’d be eaten alive out there by yourself. The cosmic game is a team sport, which means you need a team.”

Spike’s eyes lit up. “Can I pick my teammates?”

The Leprechaun stared at the little dragon. “That depends. Are you still my captain?”

Spike looked at Twilight for only a moment before nodding solemnly. “Yes, I am.”

Patches grinned, his black and golden teeth reflecting the sunlight. “Good.”

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[TAD2]

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball

[Emerald Harp]

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