Celestia of Equestria's tonic experiment

by Acologic

Day XII

Celestia wiped sweat from her brow as she plunged into T-Kam. Once more her condition had worsened – she’d thrown up several times since Tirek’s last tonic. But today she would recover – today they worked the totem ritual.

‘Granny Fanny’s tonic,’ she explained, ‘is a form of what we call black-market-magic – that is to say, its magical properties are derived from perverse and persistent blending of incompatible earthly ingredients.

‘Black-market-magic isn’t magic – not really. Magic is the art and science of forcing things to behave in ways that are not in their nature, whereas black-market-magic –’ Celestia coughed and wiped her snout ‘– is merely a by-product of malfunctioning herbal magicides.’

‘You what?’ said Tirek.

‘Herbal magicides,’ Celestia said impatiently. ‘You know, foxglove, ragwort, poison joke – that sort of thing.’

‘Ah.’

‘But that hardly matters, because this tonic has been tampered with. Concentrated via totem magic.’

‘And what’s that?’

‘Magic given power by means of a geometrically significant object – a totem. I strongly suspect that, to increase its potency, Sombra enchanted his entire supply.’

‘So – so it is dangerous?’ Tirek went pale. ‘And I’ve been . . .’

‘You’re perfectly safe,’ said Celestia, sniffing, ‘because the problem with black-market-magic is it’s highly erratic. Its effects aren’t –’ Celestia clicked her mouth, searching for the right word ‘– chainable. Nor are they predictable, containable or controllable. They vary vastly and are not limited to hosts or vectors. In other words . . . it’s me. I’m being affected. The tonic is punishing me.’

Luna nodded grimly. ‘And that’s why we need the totem ritual. It’ll heal her.’

Celestia shook her head. ‘It will cleanse me. I’m not sick – not really. Merely tormented by unforeseeably effective pseudo hoodoo whose grasp I shall soon escape. The totem’s the problem. Once we’ve destroyed that . . .’

Cadence materialised. Floating in front of her, shrouded in glow, was a sharply creased sheet of paper – the very page Celestia had seen in her sleep last night.

‘I’ve got it,’ said Cadence.

‘Good,’ said Celestia. ‘Excellent. And so, to business.’

She took a deep breath.

‘Read,’ she commanded.

Cadence obliged. ‘ “The drinker must provide permanently something of theirs, and the receiver must accept it.” ’

Celestia closed her eyes. ‘This is going to sting.’

Tirek gulped. ‘What do you mean?’

‘This is how totem rituals work. You’ve got to give me something of yours – something only you possess. And I’ve got to accept it.’

Tirek gaped at her. ‘What the heck does that mean?’

‘Your horn,’ said Cadence, staring at her hooves. ‘You’ve got to give her one of your horns.’

‘You’re joking!’

‘Sadly, no.’ Celestia sneezed loudly. ‘Unless you do, then it’s safe to assume my torment continues. And if it does, then, of course, the effects continue. And if the effects continue . . . volatile as they are . . . who knows? I might just slip away.’

All three princesses stared at Tirek, who paled further. He gulped and said hoarsely, ‘You mean to say . . . that if I don’t give up my horn . . . you will die?’

Celestia shrugged. ‘Potentially. And between you me, Tirek, I’d rather not.’

‘Indeed,’ said Luna, her eyes flashing.

Tirek’s shoulders slumped. His eyes were watery.

‘I’ll do it,’ he croaked.

Celestia nodded. ‘OK. Cadence? Luna? The spell, please.’

The two touched horns, then closed their eyes. A violent crimson flash illuminated Tirek’s cell. The black stone hummed.

Celestia squealed. Her head felt as though it was being torn apart. Tirek was screaming too, but she couldn’t make out why. (Perhaps because his horn was being amputated? She would have laughed if it weren’t so painful.) There was a horrible thunk, and Celestia doubled up as something stiff raked her skull.

And it was over. Celestia coughed up some phlegm. Then she gingerly felt the side of her head from which a dull, tooth-like hunk of ivory was now protruding. Her eyes found Tirek. He looked OK. Well. He was missing one of his horns.

‘It worked,’ muttered Celestia.

‘How come?’ asked Tirek. ‘Where’s the totem? Was it destroyed?’

Celestia caught Cadence’s eye, and they privately agreed – Tirek was taking it very well, all things considered.

‘The totem,’ said Celestia, ‘was the paper. Am I right, Cadence? Yes, Sombra always was a one for A5.’

‘So – that’s it?’

‘Yes!’ exclaimed Luna suddenly, and Tirek flinched. ‘And be thankful it isn’t more!’

She buried her face in her hooves and, sobbing, pulled out of T-Kam.

‘Don’t mind her,’ said Cadence considerately. ‘She’s just glad to see her sister’s OK.’

‘Well, so am I!’ said Tirek. Celestia couldn’t help herself – she burst out laughing.

‘How,’ she spluttered, ‘and I mean how – can you possibly be happy with the way things’ve gone?’

‘What, this?’ Tirek pointed at his solitary horn, then waved his hand dismissively through the air. ‘Nothing at all. The thing is, Your Highness, once you go to prison, you’ll find out just how bloody boring it is.’

Cadence laughed, and so did Celestia.

‘Once I go, eh?’ said Celestia amusedly. ‘And when will I be going to prison?’

‘Well, when somepony gets wind of what you’ve been feeding me, I guess,’ said Tirek, chuckling. ‘Really, though. It’s good to have you back.’

‘Glad to be here. Oh, and Tirek.’

‘What?’

Celestia smiled and absent-mindedly prodded her own horn. ‘I think it’s time we had that tournament, wouldn’t you say?’

Comments

[wlam]

So where's the gin?

[PhycoKrusk]

I am distrustful if this.