There are two sides to Amon Spear,one is nice and forgiving.The other is muderous and insane.
After killing more than 20ponies,Amon finds himself in ponyville and friends with the mane six. He trys to show his nice side but the other side is starting to leak out,when the girls find out about the murders they begin to link the two ponies together into a single conclusion with horrifying results.
They are one with each other,the two sides of a coin.
Told in Amons first person view,Italics for thoughts or heavy narration,and Bold for Important events or mindless gibberish.
Chapters (3)
Not bad, some grammatical problems and the story could flow a bit better, but it should end up ok
I've noticed that many people make their ocs ponies unicorns, like me. I wonder why that is? Anyway, good story.
Took a look at your profile. Is English your second language? If so, a lot of the grammatical mistakes are more understandable. There's tons of 'em, and it kept me from understanding or enjoying your story.
Any time you want to make a noun possess something, you need to add an apostrophe. For instance, "Manehattens exclusive crime watch show!" vs. "Manehatten's exclusive crime watch show!" or, "everyponys mind," vs. "everypony's mind..." etc.
Stylistically, you do a lot of telling, instead of showing. You pause the action to dump information on the reader. Here's what I mean:
vs.
Which one is more fun to read? Which one creates more questions--and more incentive to read--in the reader's mind?
No one actually talks to themselves the way your point of view character does, as if he's explaining facts to some invisible audience. Learn to let information come out naturally in your story. Trust the reader to get it. Show and describe the action instead of telling the audience what it is.
Actually, a story just released is a good example of what I mean. Go through your story again, then read the opening of this.
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i highly doubt you have ever witnessed insanity before,they are like this. This probberly is very confusing for anyone who has never seen insanity before. The next chapter/s will be normal,this is more a minds eye.