Terrorists Win
A BeanisTM Story
by Fuzzyfurvert
#notsorry
Sunset Shimmer tapped the tip of her ballpoint pen against her tongue, then she dotted the decimal point on the solve line. A balanced equation was a thing of beauty. A positive integer representing a profit just made the neat little numbers all the more appealing. Sunset smiled at her handiwork, ones and zeros marching along like soldiers in orderly lines toward the inevitable conclusion that Beanis, Inc was worth all its overhead and then some.
An almost disturbing amount of ‘then some.’
Sunset shook her head, slipping her accounting paperwork into a plain manila folder. It was time for lunch, her stomach reminded her, but first she needed to let Twilight know the good news. Her phone came to life under her fingertips, the text sent, and she was up trotting to the fridge for a cold drink. By time the sugary soda fizzed in her nose, the phone beeped with a reply. Sunset took another gulp, savoring the feel of the carbonation in her throat before she sauntered back over to her dining room table.
The text was short and to the point: That’s great! :) Can you come by the office, I want to show you something even more awesome!
Sunset’s eyebrow perked up. Twilight wanting to show her something could only mean more weirdness to deal with. But Twilight was her friend. So she sent a quick ETA text, turned on her heel, and went to put on some pants.
“Oh, hey, Sunset.” Ms. Chrysalis smiled from the doorway the opulent Sparkle family household. “It’s good to see our silent partner show up now and again.”
“First of all, aren’t you the silent partner? I’m the accountant, at the moment, and my name is in all the fine print.” Sunset tilted her head, looking Chrysalis up and down. “Secondly, why are you here at all? This is Twilight’s house...and you’re dressed like you work at Hoofers.”
Chrysalis folded her arms and leaned against the door frame so her dark cleavage was even more prominent behind the bright white of her tank top. “Accountant, then. I’m here because Twilight asked and her parents are off on some early retirement getaway cruise.” She cocked her orange short shorts to the side. “Must be nice.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
They stood there, in a mildly uncomfortable silence for a moment more. Then Sunset sighed and gestured at her bag slung over one shoulder. “I brought the company earning and expense reports to show Twilight how Beanis, Inc. is doing. The news is good, by the way.”
Chrysalis’ smile widened, stepping away to let Sunset in. “That’s very good to hear, seeing as the majority of the seed money we invested into this was mine.”
Sunset slipped inside, closing the door. “Still doesn’t explain the outfit.”
“This old thing was my Hoofers outfit, when I worked there.” Chrysalis winked, sashaying past Sunset to lead the way toward the rear of the building. “My husband likes it for obvious reasons, so I kept it. Turns out Rainbow Dash is quite the fan of Hoofers’ wings.”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “‘Wings’...right.”
Chrysalis walked into the kitchen at the far end of the main hall and up to the expansive island counter top. “Either way, you’re in luck, Sunset. Everyone is here today, so you can share the good news with all of us.” She grabbed a platter out of one of the cabinets and started loading it up with plenty of chips and other snacks. She added a half dozen red and yellow frosted double-domed cupcakes, snagging one for herself and taking a bite out of it, revealing a chocolatey center. “Want one?”
Sunset shook her head, fanning her warm cheeks with her hand. “No, I have my own. Thanks.”
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow at that. “You should try them, that girl with the big poofy hair is a damn good chef. We’ve already chewed through the first half of the batch she dropped off.”
Sunset fanned herself harder. Her cheeks were starting to flush and she pushed the errant images of her friends eating and tonguing the ‘edible analingus training devices’ out of her mind. The ‘Cupcanus’ was poised as the next item to join the Beanis brand of bio-organic sexual aids, having gone through multiple rounds of testing. She had Pinkie’s expenses factored into her earnings paperwork, and so long as she didn’t think too hard about it, the fact that each one of the sugary confections was modeled on her own ass barely registered. Watching an attractive older woman shove her face into one and eat out all the chocolate did a lot more than merely register with Sunset. She was here to see Twilight—who potentially also ate a miniature version of her butt, a small part of her mind was quick to point out—and go over very encouraging but not very sexy numbers. Accounting did not need to be done with damp panties on.
“So...why is everyone here today? And how do you know Twilight’s kitchen so well to throw together something that quick?” Sunset sighed and helped herself to a cold bottle of microbrewed root beer from the fridge. “At least I’ve come over here a few times before.”
“Did you think I drove here in this outfit?” Chrysalis smirked, setting the loaded tray against her hip and tossing the rest of her cupcake into her mouth. “I dropped off Lemon Zest with her friends and then changed when I came here. I’ve had time to walk around and be nosy. Twilight, your quiet friend, the girl with the messy green hair, and Rainbow Dash are all in the den. They’ve played video games while I was grabbing something for all of us when you arrived. I’m a mother with my own teenage daughter, finding my way to the junk food in this house wasn’t what I would describe as challenging.”
“That’s...fair, I guess.”
Chrysalis chuckled and turned, rounding the island counter with the food like a seasoned professional of the service industry. She swayed through the double doors and led the way to the large family den. As they got closer, the sounds of guns firing and explosions got louder, punctuated by the occasional raised voice shouting the sort of language that Twilight’s parents certainly wouldn’t approve of if in earshot. The den itself was like a full on home theater, complete with a sunken floor, low ambient lighting, and the largest flat screen TV you could get in 4K. A long, sectional leather couch sat facing the screen with a shin high coffee table in front of that. It was a room that Sunset had spent several nights with the girls binge watching their favorite shows online or shivering together while some old black and white horror movie played out for their entertainment.
Even in their wildest moments however, those sleepovers never reached the levels of absurd the scene in the room presented them when Sunset rounded the last corner. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Twilight, and Wallflower Blush were all focused on that huge display, game controllers in their hands as they battled it out in some FPS deathmatch. What made the whole thing surreal was how everyone was topless, Twilight in just her skirt and knee socks, Fluttershy in nothing but her socks—though she had covered herself with a couple of throw pillows—and Dash down to just what appeared to be a banana hammock. All of them were jamming the buttons on their controllers, their characters flying around on the huge screen and firing off a deluge of bullets in every direction. While on one end of the couch, Wallflower had a half-interested smirk on her face, and all of her clothing on her body.
Sunset froze at the door, her mouth gaping open in shock. Chrysalis continued in, unfazed by the action or nudity, and sauntered around to the low coffee table and bent at the waist to place the platter there, as well as place her backend directly in the view of Rainbow. There was another flash of movement from the TV and the entire room let out a cry of frustration, one of the corners of the screen fading to gray before flashing a countdown to respawn.
“How does she keep doing that?”
“Hax!”
“Rainbow, this is a console game, she can’t hack it to cheat while we’re all playing it...right?”
Twilight stomped her foot, her controller floating in a field of magenta colored energy as she twisted her skirt around to unzip it. “This is nuts! I always win at this! How are you managing to pull off all these kills, Wallflower?”
“I practice a lot.” Wallflower smirked a little wider. “I made Principal Celestia forget that I was playing at school for an entire semester. I was doing it at the yearbook committee meetings too. You never noticed?”
“How do I know that I never noticed when you could have erased my memories of noticing you playing CS:Watch during the meetings, hmm?” Twilight sighed, stepping out of the pile of her fallen skirt. “Besides, we’re just getting started here, Blush, and I will get your tits out before I lose my socks!”
“You’re certainly free to think that.” The corner of Wallflower’s mouth twitched, her expression cool and collected as her on-screen character bunny hopped along, spinning in carefree abandon. There was another crack of simulated thunder from the tasteful, hidden, surround sound speakers and Wallflower twitched again. Up front, Rainbow Dash’s corner of the TV flashed red and then grey, her character sent flying by the noscope sniper shot that disintegrated her digital skull.
“Oh c’mon!” Dash squawked, her face contorted with disbelief and indignation. “I was totally about to shoot you!”
“You know the rules.” Wallflower purred, smugness warring with excitement in her voice. The girl blushed and set her controller down, snagging a treat from the platter before settling back into her chair, eyes on Rainbow’s now forfeit banana hammock.
All eyes were on the girl as Dash fumed in her seat, chest heaving as she ground her teeth. Chrysalis chuckled deep in her throat and slid—orange short-short covered ass first—into the narrow space between Dash and Fluttershy on the couch. She plucked away the throw pillows covering Fluttershy, tossing them away on the floor careless of the ‘eep!’ and draping her arms over both girls’ shoulders. “Yes, indeed, she dose know the rules! Time to lose the undies, Rainbow, dear. Then we can start a new game, hmmm?”
Groaning, Rainbow slapped her hands to her face, controller forgotten in her lap for a moment. “Fine! Good thing I went to the bathroom before you and Sunset got in here.” Rolling her eyes, she hooked her thumbs into the band of her hammock and lifted her hips, starting to work the elastic over her hips.
Knocked out of shock by hearing her own name, Sunset snapped her mouth shut and stepped quickly over to a similarly staring Twilight, clapping the girl on the shoulder. “Twilight! Hey, um, I need to talk to you in private. Like right now.”
“B-but...Dash’s…” Twilight worked her jaw, words failing her and eyes locked on Rainbow’s descending underwear.
“Right. Now.” Sunset dug her nails a little into the soft skin of Twilight’s shoulder, pulling Twilight after her. “It’s important Beanis related business!”
“Oh? Is it?” Twilight blinked, casting a wistful glance at the couch before turning to follow Sunset. She pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose, lowering her head as they strolled purposefully out of the den and down the hall to the family office. “What have you got for me, Sunset?”
“Numbers.” Sunset grinned, relaxing again. She pushed open the office door with a flourish, leading the way into Beanis, Inc’s proper HQ. “Sexy numbers!”
“Ooohh, that’s the spirit, Sunset!” Twilight giggled. The office lights came on automatically, the house sensing their presence, illuminating a couple of neatly organized desks that were nonetheless overflowing with scientific brikabrak, notepads, laptop computers, and experiments in various phases. Over in the corner of the office, along with the lights, an enclosed sprinkler system gurgled to life and misted into a glass tank filled with young bean sprouts.
Twilight skipped over to her stool and sat down, letting herself spin into place by her computer. Her fingers flew over the keyboard and it lit up and unlocked. “Let me get logged into the site, I want to compare the numbers I’m getting here with yours. Oh! And I want to show you some of the new products we’ve got in alpha.”
“More?” Sunset sighed, setting her bag down on the desk and taking her spot across from Twilight. “Isn’t the Beanis enough? We’re turning a profit, Twilight, despite my reticence at moving forward with this debasing of what little magic there is in this world.”
“Don’t worry! We’re not hurting magic, Sunset.” Twilight smirked, drumming her fingers. “I mean, we’re probably not.”
Sunset slumped forward, catching her head in one hand, blowing her hair out of her eyes. “It’s not like we can measure that sort of thing, can we? We’ll just have to wait for the next magical disaster and deal with it as it comes.”
“Yep,” Twilight drawled, her fingers jumping back to the keyboard and furiously typing away. “So...what about those sexy numbers? How sexy we talking?”
“Pretty sexy.” Sunset popped open her bag and pulled out a slim ream of paper, her notes mixed in with printouts and loose receipts, invoices threatening to abandon ship for the floor. “We are officially making a profit off this. Accounting for our overhead and cost of supplies, as well as utility coverage, we’re well in the black and we’ll be able to start paying Mrs. Chrysalis back for her contributions. We might even be able to hire a third actual employee, rather than just keeping Wallflower on as a consultant.”
“That’s great news, Sunset.” Twilight clapped her hands. “Wallflower’s parents will be stoked to hear she’s gotten an actual job for once! Actually, this should make everyone happy! Not only are we making money now, hand over bean-paste-coated-fist, but we’re killing it online too. I tweaked the site’s SEO and conversion funnels again and I’m glad to hear it’s showing a legitimate impact on our bottom line! Plus! We are tops on all the search engines for all the right keywords and phrases like...like...huh?”
“What is it?” Sunset sat up. Twilight’s brow was knitting intensely across from her, Twi’s eyes hard as they scanned the computer screen. “Did something muck up?”
“We’re...we’re number two?!”
“What?”
Twilight spun the laptop around. Sunset squinted. At the top, in the search bar, the words ‘organic,’ ‘sex,’ ‘aid,’ and ‘bean’ were clearly visible, while under it was a listing of websites tied that collection of variables by algorithmic magic in descending order of relevance. Beanis.com—the site heralding their product as a ‘penis, but beany’—was the second listing. Top billing, instead, went to…
“What the hay is a ‘tofussy?’” Sunset scratched her head, looking blankly back up at Twilight. Twilight looked pale and came around the desk to Sunset’s side, clicking the link.
The site splash page that opened up was simple enough, dominated by a large video set to autoplay. Music that sounded like it belonged in non-main series superhero movie played as a huge red warning sign flashed with text about the content of said video. That’s when the hard sell started. The music took on a rhythmic beat and images of women in bikinis and lingerie whizzed by while a female voice narrated over it.
“Are you looking for something new, something special, something...unique...something like you’ve never experienced before? Maybe you’re an old pro, looking to keep your skills sharp between lovers. Maybe you’re looking to practice before you hit the dating scene. Either way, you need a way to get better at pleasing your partner. She’s special and she deserves your best.”
The flashing images vanished, changing to a clean white space where the camera slowly panned down to reveal a large block of tofu. The creamy surface of the bean curd was wet and slick.
“Looks good, doesn’t it? Looks delicious, right? You know what else looks good, looks delicious, and makes you want to chow down? Pussy!”
Twilight and Sunset shared a blushing, nervous, chuckle. On screen, the tofu block jiggled as a hand entered frame to press a finger two knuckles deep into the soft firmness. Then it pulled out, a thin string of tofu juices following the coated digit, leaving a moist void. Then two fingers plunged back in. In and out. Wet and slick. Noises that make two girls turn red poured out of the laptop’s speakers.
“We’re not asking you to finger just some boring piece of extra firm food product. That’s not going to help you with your partner. That’ll just lead to uncomfortable questions and less than appetizing dinners. No, we want you to finger our Tofussy!”
The video went black and like the block before, the camera panned while music swelled, revealing a creamy mound of a female backside, the curves and crevices lovingly rendered in molded curds. There was even a hint of molded pubes in a neatly trimmed triangle. The pucker and pinch of the wet openings perfect in the way only a 3D scan of someone’s ass could achieve.
“No...no nononononono!” Twilight shook her head, leaning back away from the laptop.
“Twilight?” Sunset’s eyebrows shot up, watching the girl in glasses and not much else gnash teeth and pull at her hair. She glanced back at the video and the same hand from before sensually caressed the Tofussy, spreading the lips to reveal a intricately designed gripping mechanism that looked like it could hold a dick, finger, or tongue in place right on the sweet spot for hours on end.
“How? How!?” Twilight yanked at her hair, pulling her gentle curls painfully straight. “That’s mine!”
“Tha-th-that’s yours?!” Sunset gasped, spinning around in her chair to face Twilight fully. Sweat beading on her forehead and lips, Sunset jabbed a finger at Twilight’s groin. “That’s a copy of you? I thought Chrysalis was the one with a mutant grabby thing down there!”
“No! You don’t get it, Sunset,” Twilight threw up her hands, “it’s not a sculpt of me, it’s a sculpt by me! That is clearly Mrs. Chrysalis’ ‘clawtoris’—which I took detailed measurements from just a week ago—just this express purpose!”
“...Wha?”
Twilight stormed forward, waving her hands and talking quickly. “This! This Tofussy! I made a rendered 3D model of the measurements I took. I was going to show it to you as one of our potential new product lines! I wanted to branch out and cover all our bases, like, what if guys wanted magical organic bean-based sex toys? I mean, some of them would love the regular Beanis anyway, but most were probably looking for something less phallic...and what about the lesbians, Sunset? Hmm, what about girls that want to get their rocks off without something resembling a bean dick? There is an untouched market for bean curd vaginas and I want to dominate it!” Frustration gurgled out of Twilight, her fists slamming down on the desk, as the video wrapped up on the computer screen.
“...symptoms may include pavlovian lesbianism, please contact the Tofussy corporate office for assistance should you find yourself and your gender preferences adversely affected by our product.”
The video ended with a cheeky slap to the Tofussy, making the whole ass wobble before the screen faded to black and the Tufussy corporate logo. Sunset had to admit, in a sick way, that the branding was pretty on-point and slick looking. There was money in that marketing and it made Beanis, Inc look amateurish by comparison. She licked her lips, hesitating,and then looked at Twilight. “Should I redo the budget to account for a bigger marketing push?”
Twilight was silent for a time. Then, “Yes.”
Sighing, Sunset turned to her notes and numbers, no longer sexy as they once seemed. “I’ll get the revised budget to you tomorrow then...is that okay, Twilight?” She glanced back at the other girl, her voice soft. “Are you going to be okay, Twi? This looks like it shook you up pretty bad.”
“Someone stole my idea, Sunset. Someone took those measurements from my computer and beat us to the punch. No one has access to it outside the people in this house right now.” Twilight hung her head, pushing up her glasses to pinch the bridge of her nose. “There are no cloud backups of the alpha products, so we weren’t hacked...at least not remotely. Until we figure out what...who...we can’t risk the other products. We’ll have to stick to just the original Beanis and the Beanis with e-Jaculate. The cupcanus, hands free auto-Beanis, and Wallflower’s project ‘Giant Filler’ are all on hold effective immediately.”
Sunset blinked, staring at Twilight and twitching. “We have that many products already? This is madness, Twilight!”
“Madness?” Twilight looked back at the laptop’s glowing screen. “Sunset, this is war.”
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OH NO
8797150
OH YES
BUT WHY?
"Goddammit, Syeekoh."
8797171
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/249/060/9c3.gif
8797168
WYNAUT
What even is this
I'm not sure what I just read. I'm even more unsure why I want to read more
I blame Adagio, always a safe bet
I still don't read Beanis fics on principle.
But you're welcome. ^^;
Huh... and to think that last night my only entertaining story idea was a Beanis brand pr blast.
I immediately suspect Wallflower. She probably made everyone forget she stole it!
Also I wonder if I'm old enough to read this.
8797150
GODDAMMIT SYEEKOH!!!
(you do know we are contractually bound to this, right?)
8797178
This is wonderful Fuzzy, you nailed it masterfully
I wonder how long it will take for them to realize it's the new green girl. Chryssy might be duplicitous but she wouldn't screw her own investment like that. Actually... damn, whomever did this will have to deal with the consequences of using her image (3D model) without her permission. They are fucked even before Twi gets her bean-based military applications line going
oh boy
8797513
I'm 31.
8797298
The expression on your profile picture is absolutely perfect for your comment
interesting...
it seems we're now entering the phase where continuity is important. do we have a 'big bad' planned out for when we get to beanis inc: infinity cum (i couldn't think of a better pun name)
Well, someone is getting sued into nothing for using Chryssie's stunning clawtoris without permission.
8798180
Seeing as how the Beanis Cinematic Universe is more a game of chicken between authors, than a collaboration, I don't know who our big bad in Beanis: Infinite Paste might end up being. I had planned for a particular antagonist(s), including just how they stole Beanis-tech. But I cut it from the final, so that it would be open to the next story interpretation.
8798915
That is an excellent way to describe it, yes.
On hold?! I mean I get no finished projects, but the cupcanus is already finished! Release it and own it before it gets stolen! Nooooooo
Meanwhile, sexy imagery gettin' the ladies all steamy, mm-mm-MM. Damn good.
Can't wait for the next installment of this organically grown and growing universe. How much chicken can these authors play until it is finally choked for good?
... This is going to end in a giant, glowing sky vagina, isn't it?
Fuzzy, this is bad and you should feel bad.
8799859
That's my secret, sweetheart, I always feel bad.
It must be someone who's smart and knows everything about the product.
WAIT!!! I know whodunit!!!!
8800189
BubbleBoom whodunit!
Why did I read this? Oh right.
cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/thumb/d/d0/360Wynaut.png/250px-360Wynaut.png
Wynaut?
This has to be the longest title on FiMfiction, surely? I've never seen anything longer than that!
Fuck it, I'm down.
8799721 i see someone has seen the nostalgia critic's review of the langoliers (not sure if I'm spelling that right)