Pew
Princess Celestia gagged on her scoop of ice cream as Princes Luna barged into the castle kitchen, nearly knocking both doors from their hinges. Clamped tight to her chest was a book Celestia wasn’t too thrilled to see again—a thick history text titled “EVENTS IN HISTORY LUNA MISSED OUT ON WHILE TRAPPED IN THE MOON”.
“How could you have kept this hidden from us?” Luna exclaimed, slamming the heavy book down onto the kitchen table.
Using her horn, Celestia casually ate another scoop of ice cream. “The ancient Fudge Festival some four hundred years ago? We already recreated that one for you, remember? Turns out you don’t like fudge.”
“You know what I mean!” Luna growled.
“Canterlot’s Official Earth Pony Catapult Competition? We recreated that one for you, too. Turns out what was once a mistake usually remains a mistake.”
Angrily, Luna opened her book and spun it around. “This one!”
Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed. “Oh, that. Pistols at dawn. Such a messy ritual. I’m glad we got rid of it when we did.”
“But… but…” Luna began, lower lip already trembling. “I never got to try pistols at dawn! Look how much fun it sounds! There are pistols! And a duel! And… and it’s at dawn!” Like a sad little filly, she lowered her head to the table and added a shimmer to both eyes. “Is my best sister in all of Equestria saying she doesn’t want to do pistols at dawn with me?”
Celestia nodded and ate more ice cream. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Plus, where would you even get a pistol? Two of them, in fact? I don’t think we kept a single pair from—”
BOOF!
In a huff, Luna disappeared and Celestia got three more bites of cold deliciousness in her gut before her sister returned—this time coated in both dust, cobwebs, and a single black spider that clung tight to her mane. Luna exhaled in relief, dropping an old, wooden box next to her book.
“Found them!” she told Celestia happily. “They were locked away in storage! At the very, very, very, very back past the riddling sphinx and the insulting sphinx. I must say, I like the riddling one a lot more.”
Luna then narrowed her eyes as she opened the ancient box, revealing two rather basic looking pistols. “Now are you ready to duel, dear sister?”
Celestia shook her head. “Still no. And you’re forgetting something rather important—the very reason pistols at dawn were started to begin with.”
“No, I think I understand the rules quite well.” Luna picked up one of the pistols and began pointing it at random objects in the room. “You and another pony meet on a very tall hill and point pistols at each other. Then shoot with said pistols. And then somepony falls over. Hopefully not me.”
“What you are clearly forgetting, Luna,” Celestia said, “is that you also need a valid reason to challenge somepony to a pistol duel. Like a slight. Or a grievance.”
“Oh?” One of Luna’s brows shot up. “Like the fact you are finishing off the last of my personal rocky road ice cream?”
Once again, Celestia gagged on her snack. Hurriedly, she spun around and began rummaging around in the kitchen freezer.
“Huzzah!” Luna declared, striking a menacing pose. “So, it is settled, Celestia of Equestria! For your crimes against my ice cream stash, I am challenging you to pistols at—”
“Found one!” Celestia said, removing both her head and another tub of rocky road from the freezer. “Just at the very, very, very back behind the rum raisin no one touches.”
“What?” Luna’s ears fell flat atop her head. “But I was about to challenge you to…”
Celestia went to stand beside her sister, wrapping a leg around her. “I know, I know, Luna. I heard you loud and clear; it’s nearly impossible not to. I just hope that this ends this little quest of yours. If you have a grievance with somepony, you should deal with it the normal way. With letters and friendship lessons or polite conversation over tea. And if all else fails… that’s when we summon the royal Canterlot lawyers to take over. Understand?”
Still in mid-pout, Luna nodded regardless. “I guess so.”
“So, no more pistols at dawn talk?”
“No more pistols at dawn talk, Tia,” Luna said, crossing one leg over the other.
***
“You hear what Princess Luna’s been going around doing?” the royal guard on the right asked the guard on the left. “Challenging random ponies to duels.”
“What kind of duels?” asked the other one.
“The kind with pistols. At dawn.” He snickered to himself quietly. “Although, supposedly, she’s having trouble finding somepony in enough actual trouble to—”
“Duel?” Princess Luna finished for him, slinking out of a pocket of shadow at the very end of the castle hallway. “And here I thought guards were not supposed to converse while on duty. Seems like quite the slight against my sister and I. Anything to say in your defense?”
The guard on the left opened his mouth to speak before the guard on the right smacked him. Both shut their traps instantly, focusing all their attention on the blank wall ahead.
“Why so quiet all a sudden?” Luna asked sweetly. “Afraid of getting into trouble in front of little ol’ me?”
A trickle of sweat ran down one guard’s head. The other gulped dryly.
“Oh, my.” Using a hoof, Luna lightly scratched at her nose. “I believe I feel a sneeze coming on. Almost here. And… huh-choo! There it is. Quite a big one, in fact.”
She then looked from one guard to the other, expectantly.
“Neither of you going to say ‘bless you’ to your Princess? That would be rather disrespectful, would it not?”
More sweat. More dry gulps from the guards.
Up until the guard on the left snapped, roughly grabbing at his fellow guard’s armor.
“Don’t you see what she’s done!?” he shrieked. “She’s trapped us in a loop with no way out!”
Luna only smiled at him hungrily. “Was somepony just talking while on duty? Looks like it’s officially time for pistols at—”
That was when Princess Celestia stepped out of a nearby room with a scroll stuck in her aura. “Officially time for what, Luna?”
Luna froze. She didn’t take her eyes off either guard. She said in a much quieter voice than a moment ago, “Officially time to… hug some guards, I guess.” Then, without much warning, she reached out to embrace both guards and squish them together; their bits of armor grinded together noisily as she did.
“There,” Luna said aloud, “two guards officially hugged!”
Once Celestia vacated the area, Luna let the guards drop to the ground.
She pondering to herself, “Perhaps I should continue my search away from the castle.”
***
Without so much as a knock, Luna entered Rarity’s Canterlot boutique and found the seamstress busy at work while Twilight Sparkle sat on a nearby loveseat with a book. She startled only Rarity when she clapped two hooves together; Twilight hadn’t moved an inch.
“I demand satisfaction!” Luna said abruptly.
Rarity dropped the piece of fabric she’d been holding, chuckling good-naturedly. “In that case, I demand you take a number and wait until it’s called!”
For one awkward moment, Luna actually searched for the number box.
“I was only kidding, Luna. We’re technically not even open right now. And by the way, you owe me a new door lock now.”
“That business will have to wait,” Luna said, storming towards the unicorn. “You recall that dress I commissioned from you some time ago?”
Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Oh! You mean that exquisite ballgown with the satin sleeves and gemstone-encrusted trim?”
Luna only grimaced. “Umm. Yes, that one. The one with all the stuff you just mentioned. I need it now. As in right now. I cannot explain why, but I assure you, it is of most importance.”
The sparkle in Rarity’s eyes faded. “You need it now? As in right now? But you weren’t supposed to pick it up for weeks! The ball is still months away!”
Luna’s ears perked up. “So, if I am understanding you correctly, what you are saying is that my dress is, in fact, the opposite of ready and not available for pickup at this particular moment?” She mocked sadness for a second, holding a hoof to her head. “How disappointing. How terrible! I can only think of one thing that could possibly make amends for such injustice. You and I, we must meet atop a hill to do pistols at—”
Still in mid speech, Luna hadn’t noticed Rarity disappear into the back of her shop. She soon returned with a sparkling gown floating in her aura. “Were you saying something, darling? I just went to go fetch your dress. Thankfully, I’d finished it last night. I know it was rather early, but I’m sure you know how it is. The muse wants what the muse wants! You like?”
As if perhaps an illusion of sorts, Luna snatched the gorgeous gown from the air and began searching every square inch of it. “Looks… like one nice blue dress, Rarity. Thank you,” she said expressionless, before muttering, “Must be some mistake somewhere on here!”
Then she spotted it. Not exactly a mistake, but it was enough. Hopefully.
“This gemstone here. What color is it?”
Rarity viewed it over. “Light turquoise. Isn’t it a wonderful hue? I think it’ll match your natural mane color perfectly.”
Luna cocked her head to the side. “But did I not request paled turquoise?”
Rarity pursed her lips. “Did you? You ordered that thing so long ago, I truly can’t remember. But there’s still plenty of time to swap them out before the ball. If you’d simply give the dress back…”
“Afraid not, dear Rarity!” Luna yelled, triumphant. “For reasons even a mystery to myself, I require this dress right this very moment! Meaning that I have been properly slighted and now demand satisfaction! Which can only lead to…”
“Wanting a refund?” Rarity inquired uneasily.
“Pistols at dawn!” Luna finally finished, before rushing out the store and slamming the door behind her. Her newfound dress remained on the floor of the shop.
Beyond confused, Rarity turned to Twilight, still reading on the loveseat.
“Twilight, dear?”
Twilight flipped another page.
“Twilight!”
Eventually, Twilight glanced up, giving her head a quick shake. “Sorry, Rarity. I missed most of that. You know how much I love these ‘choose your own adventure’ books. Although, I still wish they had an option to just go back home and read. That sure would be neat, wouldn’t it?”
Rarity nodded only once. “Uh-huh. Sure. Yep. Now if you’re done talking about that book, could you perhaps answer two important questions for me? Firstly: what time’s dawn? And more importantly: what in Equestria’s a pistol?”
***
Dawn arrived fast, as did the small crowd of friends and family that waited patiently to glimpse some of the deadly action atop the appointed “dueling” hill. Meanwhile, Rarity (having recently learned all there was to know about pistols), shook like a leaf in the middle of the clearing. And it seemed as though not even a pony like Pinkie Pie could cheer her up.
“Go Rarity!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Knock her on her butt! Give her everything you got!”
Rarity spun to her, clearly agitated. “You do realize that if I win, that means Luna gets shot, correct? And if she wins, that means I get shot? This isn’t exactly the time nor the place for cheerleading, Pinkie!”
Rarity glanced down at the pistol Luna had given her before taking her own place across the hill. Rarity honestly had no idea what to do with it—according to the “official rules book”, magic wasn’t allowed and her hooves weren’t even the right size to fit in the area where the trigger was located. Sure, she could use her mouth or tongue in order to reach it, but… if anypony was going to die with dignity, it was going to be her.
“Before we officially duel, we both take twenty paces away from each other!” Luna shouted to everyone, reading from a small cue card covered in dueling notes. “That is when we both turn and fire our pistols. And whichever pony remains standing at the end wins. Any questions?”
In the spectator’s section, Sweetie Belle raised a hoof. “I’d actually really appreciate it if you didn’t shoot my sister today.”
Luna thought on that a bit. “Well, considering that was more of a comment than a question, I shall therefore ignore it.”
She nodded at Rarity. “Twenty paces. Starting… now!”
In total silence, the duellists marched away from each other; Luna appearing as steady as a rock while Rarity shook even worse than before. Twice her pistol fell from her hooves and she had to pick it up again. And before she knew it, twenty paces were up.
She shrieked as she heard the sound; that horrible, horrible sound that meant it was all over for her.
“Pew!”
Rarity’s pistol dropped to the grass as she grabbed her chest, her eyes shut tight.
“Huzzah!” Luna yelled. “I am victorious!”
Rarity then reopened her eyes and checked herself over. “You are?”
“Yep!” Luna said, dancing on the spot.
“But aren’t bullet holes supposed to hurt?” Rarity questioned. “Or at least… be all gross and messy?”
Luna’s victory dance ceased as she looked at her curiously. “You really thought we were about to duel with real bullets? How barbaric. You simply make the bullet sounds yourself. You want a do-over? Our duel was rather quick, I’ll admit. Fine. We shall go one more time.”
Relieved at having no more holes in her body than normal, Rarity got back to her hooves and recollected her pistol. Once again, they marched the same twenty paces. Only this time once she got to twenty, Rarity dove to the side as she awkwardly pointed her weapon.
“Blam!” she screamed. “Blam-blam-blam! Did I get you? I think maybe I did.”
Luna did close to the same maneuver as her, cartwheeling atop the hill. She laughed as she stood up straight again. “Do not be silly, Rarity! Royal Canterlot pistols do not make such odd sounds. They go pew-pew-pew! Not blam-blam-blam!”
Rarity smirked at her. “Yours might, Luna, but mine can make whatever noise it wants!”
And so the battle raged, as those gathered in attendance who at first had been nervous, had quickly become mostly confused and puzzled. Relieved, as well.
“Blam-blam-blam!” screamed Rarity.
“Pew-pew-pew!” Luna screamed right back.
Out of breath, Luna stopped for a moment. “You need to reload at some point, Rarity! You cannot keep firing as if you have infinite ammo!”
“But… it’s…” panted Rarity, “imaginary!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Then imagine you need to reload!”
As with most epic battles, though, it ended not with a bang, but with a “pew”, as Luna clipped Rarity in the ankle and she fell to the grass. Of course, Rarity had to first be convinced she had been hit and after a solid round of “Nu-uhs!” and “I did, toos!”, Rarity thankfully chose to concede. She was tired from all the running around, anyways.
Standing over Rarity, Luna took a steadying breath and gritted her teeth. She angled her pistol down at her. “I know what you must be thinking. Did she say pew five times or six? Well, to tell you the truth, Rarity, I kinda lost track myself. So, do you feel fortunate right about now?”
Faking a pained expression, Rarity told her earnestly, “Just tell Sweetie Belle, I love—”
“Pew,” Luna whispered, and Rarity said no more that day.
Victorious all over again, Luna raised a hoof in triumph—only to instantly place it over her mouth and gasp. Princess Celestia now stood before her.
“What was the one thing I asked of you?” Celestia barked.
Luna grimaced. “No pistols at dawn?”
“Now look at what you’ve done!” Celestia held a wing out, showcasing the hilltop. “Look at all this imaginary mess that needs to be cleaned up!” She flashed a grin, but only for a second. “For such recklessness, Luna, I have no choice but to challenge you to another duel.”
“What kind?” Luna asked. “More pistols?”
“Something worse. Much worse. Swords at sunrise!”
Two royal guards carrying a heavy wooden box descended from the sky. They set the box down between the pair and scurried off. Using her horn, Celestia lifted the lid and handed her sister her colorful battle sword. Only once Rarity stopped playing dead and trotted off the field, did they squared off.
“What a minute,” Pinkie Pie said from the sidelines, “those don’t look like any swords I’ve ever seen.”
“Nope,” Applejack agreed. “They look more like pool noodles than anything. Still might smart if they hit you just right, though.”
And as if on cue.
“No fair, Tia! That one really hurt! You hit me right in the eye!”
Defeated, Princess Luna spent the remainder of the day picking up imaginary pew shells off the hill. Celestia would’ve assisted with the cleanup, but more pressing matters had made themselves known.
It seemed the same author that had written “EVENTS IN HISTORY LUNA MISSED OUT ON WHILE TRAPPED IN THE MOON” had written a companion text: “EVENTS IN HISTORY DISCORD MISSED OUT ON WHILE TRAPPED IN STONE THAT WERE TOTALLY AWESOME AND COOL AND SUPER FUN, BUT SLIGHTLY DANGEROUS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC TOO.”
And Discord had already purchased the very first copy available.
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This was hilarious
Don't suppose we could get a sequel covering this book?
I smell a big old storm of CHAOS!!!
I, paradoxically, both want to read it, and dread ever seeing it.
... I was listen to the animated 'Hamilton' musical while reading this. It felt appropriate to skip to 'Ten Duel Commandments'
That was nuttier than a two-gallon barrel of squirrel poop.
Imaginary criticism.
This was delightfully silly, well done.
I have to admit, I did not see that one coming. Well done!
Is it wrong that I laughed harder at the AN Clip than at the story? THere was still a good bit of laughter for the story, but that clip took me off guard.
Next Luna needs to duel Andrew Jackson or Alexander Hamilton.
8796513
Wrong!
Aaron Burr
8796585
Excuse me, are you, Aaron Burr, sir?
8796588
It depends, who's asking?
8796710
Oh, sure, sir
I’m Alexander Hamilton, I’m at your service, sir
Tell me. Are you familiar with the Ten Duel Commandments?
Dreadnought
What does the insulting one do? Insult you in limericks?
8796908
I would imagin it gives you a riddle where the answer is you insulting yourself.
And that last book might bring back royal oversight of publishing.. that or holding them and the author responsible for his actions from reading the book
This was great! Like a comedic Barry Lyndon.
8796588
Yes
8797083
I'm a bigger fan of the image of a Sphinx just chilling and shouting mildly rude things at passersby.
"Your mane looks stupid! That dress makes you look fat! Your tail smells funny! Those horseshoes do not work with those socks!"
I have not read this yet, but the premise sounds fu
king brilliant
And for your enjoyment, here is one of my favorite dueling scenes:
There's a way out! You don't have to accept the challenge. "Number one: the challenge; demand satisfaction. / If they apologize, no need for further action."
Oh, come on. I can't be the only one to quote Hamilton.
Ah. So she has read the rules. Er, at least, the first part of the first rule.
That author is really going to get it.
8797083 Every question starts with "whose mother...?"
8797833
Good ol' British humor.
I see someones’s a fan of Voltron
It kills me every time she gets cut off
time for PISTOLS AT-
Always a hit! Love your fics
GET IN THE BAG LUNA
YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME THE EMBODIMENT OF THE MOON OR SOMETHING?
Reminds me of another duel to the death with fake guns...
To to 0:34 to see what I mean.
That was a lot more random and silly with the imaginary pistol bullets, but it was rather fun nonetheless <3
Cuckleworthy at first, then I saw the Author's Note and it became favoriteworthy. Love me some 5sf.
8802648 I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one that remembers those guys. One of only three youtube channels I subbed back in the day. It pains me that they could barely get half a million subs compared to other (terrible) channels.
8799508 Thanks for coming back!
8796807
8796741
8796710 Am I the only one who hasn't seen this musical?
8802687
It would appear so.
Dreadnought
IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-DUEL!
8796807
The moment I first saw this story I was listening to that exact song. I am currently listening to Non-Stop (second best song).
8804487
I really enjoy that song as well. Particularly:'
I've got so much going on in my life (working 40 hrs/wk, exercising 20 hrs/wk) and still trying to find time to write.
Dreadnought
You. Make. NOW.
8804496
My favorite part is right at the end when George, Burr, Eliza, Angelica and like everyone else is singing at the same time, and thanks to an animatic I watched everytime I hear the “just you wait” at the end I see Jefferson with a smug grin on his face twirling around his damn golden pimp cane.
8805164
I thought Jefferson was a little overdone. But then again, I am a fan of our third President.
Dreadnought
8805191
Still, you gotta admire anyone who has the balls to use the words “loco parentis” and “quid pro quo” in rap music.
8805227
Yes. I am quite the fan of Lin-Manuel Miranda. Have you seen In the Heights? I think it's as good as Hamilton.
Dreadnought
Why don't we still have pistols at dawn dangit! I DEMAND SATISFACTION. But for real, I can get some paintball guns for duels, think of how interesting solving fights with family can be. fighting over the remote? PISTOL DUEL. hogging the toilet? PISTOL DUEL.
Dirty Harry!!!! LOVE THAT MOVIE!!!!
https://youtu.be/8Xjr2hnOHiM
8833838
Someone doesn't wanna share a gun? PISTOL DUEL. Someone caught cheating in a boardgame? PISTOL DUEL. Arguing that you pistol duel for the craziest of reasons? PISTOL MOTHERBUCKIN' DUEL!
This story about somes up my early childhood.
Brutal... Funny. Cheeks hurt.
Someone introduce Luna to Nerf Guns, stat!
Cap (group /organization)
___________
9122972
Oh! Can you imagine Luna getting into Nerf Gun moddding? And sniping ponies with the Nerf N Strike Suction dart ammo.
9230771
So damn fun, though the caps is not needed, it's not referring to them as a group, it's using it as a descriptive.