- Member Since 13th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 17th, 2023
Arelak
A writer of stories grounded in reality and with the goal of creating a larger and more vibrant Equestrian World! I write sagas not short stories.
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Saw the title, already intrigued.
This seems to be a good read.
Interesting, let's see where this goes.
Tracked and Faved if for nothing more then it's Different, Will read the first chapter later as I don't have the time right now
So far very good story.
well the great kahn started with next to nothing, so lets see where this goes.
Hmm sounds interesting
Ok, I have to admit that I love this story.
The fact that the main character reacts like a normal person when faced with an alien world and first contact with the Zebras, is really refreshing. Way, way, way, way, way to many stories have the main character go absolutely bat shit, to the point of pissing themselves in abject terror on first contact. First contact with tiny, pastel colored ponies with technicolor hair, the size of a golden retriever. (Yeah, frightening I know)
Second, This is well written. I was worried that my screen reader would mangle the names and make listening to this story painful/irritating, but Apples Text to Speech didn't seem to mangle any of them. According to my wife, My Mac is fairly close to the text. I think thats pretty cool.
The writing itself is above par, I didn't catch any typos on listening to it, and the story has good flow and pacing.
Great Job, Im going to be following this.
The Monk
Its been a good read so far, can't wait for the next installment!
It's funny how you had a note at the beginning not to try to pronounce the names and places with English annunciation, yet just about everything we've come across so far is pronounced exactly as it should be in English. Anyone who gets those wrong isn't doing swahili or Arabic wrong, they're doing basic reading wrong.
You're a good writer.
It always gets worse before it gets better. This is one of the greatest stories I've ever read.
A very interesting beginning!
very very nice start
8911399
Not everyone in the world has bonds that tie them to somewhere or something, others "do" but... It is up for debate, they could just as easily stay as run the first chance they are given. The question remains: Is the bond strong enough. I also do not want to just give everything about the characters away from the start either like most stories do: they cry, whine, miss everything, family, friends, etc. This story is taking a different approach in that some people really just want to get away because they have had enough, but be careful of what you wish for!
8910931
Thank you for the compliment!
8911081
We shall see, something has to make him snap and become the warlord.
hope to see more chapters soon.
This should read, "...as he kept eating. She smiled before..." It's a run-on sentence as it is now.
8912453
Fixed, thank you for pointing that out!
8912500
You're welcome! Happy to help!
can't wait to see more, i hope the warriors are wise enough to clue in that having a higher order omnivore on their side might be a boon in threat detection. (senses are generally better turned)
Forgot about him getting sun poisoning. The joy of blisters and nausea.
A very intriguing start for a story. Getting an Avatar 2009 vibe (chuckles).
"Different" is the word to describe your premise. Yet a question does come into play, how much is OC and/or self insert?
A few spelling errors. Otherwise very tightly knit.
Also, where exactly are we on the anthro chart?
I get the sense that it's a 3 with human height/proportions. (Just want confirmation even after checking your images on FA)
Other sub-species / races around (presume they will be introduced later)?
Guess I'll be staying out of the comment section lol. I already suspected, but I did not want confirmation about this (kind of like the 3rd trailer for most movie block busters).
Best of luck, stay healthy, and update soon!
-Sky66
8917575
#3. As for other races... Keep reading, hints are dropped.
I don't see this going well.
Second 'on' to 'one.'
Second 'to' delete.
Best of luck, stay healthy, and update soon!
-Sky66
Corrupted city/government, murders, rapist, slavers, and thieves with the only way to get across a giant river to a safer area while having around a group of 7-10 persons with little to no combat experience......
*add that together, multiply by 3 , tax is nondeductible w/bonds = SHIT-TASTIC ADVENTURE*
Good story so far, great descriptive scenes, world building and interaction with characters mostly the main 3.
Great grammar and spelling *very few mistakes however they very easy fixes and does not hurt the narrative* #NOTAGRAMMERNAZI
the pacing isn't bad ,but it does feel like your rushing but that could be intentional because the the caravan of tribe members wanting go home, move to a better place, sell the goods ,or combination of the options
6.8/10 story for all categories on a average scale all together (setting , characters, dialogue, ect )
This is a ruff sketch opinion and rating . this will change depending on where you take the story and later on. In other words, i just got to see more chapters like around 60,000 words or more then i can get more accurate rating but for now its a above average story nothing to original so far but like i said just need more chapters and story.
To the author, you have something going here so far. I can see the diamond in the coal but please do not ever rush unless its for a good reason and i now this is cliche but take your time. i like to read for enjoyment and see authors become loved for doing something they love to to do, that they take the time out of THEIR life to do it. We readers (very few) don't have as much courage as others to write and be criticize for the wrong reasons and become either outcasts or hated in a group we like and share our common interest with everyone on this site
JUST because you got me sappy and SOMEHOW!! got me to write paragraphs here's a like but don't push it me for the favorite just not yet good sir.
8922213
Fixed.
8922319
For me it is a matter of when I run out of ideas to keep expanding upon for the area, also they are not crossing the river, there is a map you can look up and see where they are from (Wete) and so on.
Writing these can take days, drawing up ideas, planning, expanding on what I have planned in my notebook and then finally the writing itself. This bugger has been on the slow burner for months as I created ideas, that is also why I am updating slowly and I may even slow down, most was drawn up just for the first 10-15 chapters of just showing what is going on.
Wow,
I wasn't sure what to expect from this story. To be honest I am very impressed. This is not only unique and creative, but it stands strongly on its own.
I have to place this on par with greats like Quantum Castaways by DustTraveller , The Drawn With the Night stories by Dan s Comments and The Humanity Within Trilogy by Knight Breeze
What I am saying is that this is true Authorship.
The Monk
8923096
Thank you!
are you basing this city off of the crumbling ancient Mali empire? sounds like it.
8925170
I certainly hope to answer these kinds of questions in around 50 chapters without giving away spoilers, there is an entire backstory as to what happened and how things got to where they are.
I'm basically just going to second Rikithemonk's comment.
I've come across the story multiple times, but I didnt know what to make of it. So I didnt read it, but Im glad I saw it again and gave it a shot.
Looking forward to what you got cooking up for this one.
I can't really read the map Furafinity blows up the image to much to see the whole map in one go
8930618
Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that as the other way around it is too small to make anything out in the regular upload. I do know that downloading an image will reduce its size automatically when you open the file then you can choose (in windows at least) to zoom to full size or adjust to your desired size; that is the only solution I have.
Wonder if Verik joins a merc band or starts his own. He might not be strongest, but he's definitely smarter than the average sellsword. This is a great series and you have me hooked. I wonder if he takes his inspiration from Machiavelli of Tsun Tzu.
Another good chapter.
But why do I feel that going here is a very big mistake for our brave farmers? This city has my doggy sense tingling.
The Monk
8935464
Have to wait and see.
8935292
Trying not to rush the story so answering that one will be a long way off for the time being, hope to build the world and characters more before diving headfirst into what causes the Warlord to begin its emergence in him.
More change! Alas, I can only give one thumbs up.
8950976
No worries, I hadn't used mine yet so I gave a shared thumbs up for you. Gotta transfer this from my watched list to my fav list now. Bye!
I can only wish to see this wretched city clenched.
It will likely not happen for quite a while, but one day, retribution will come.
'A reckoning cannot be postponed indefinitely.'
This is really turning out to be a great story.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Is Verik a real name?
8930618
Can't you just zoom out from the page? I can see the whole map by holding ctrl and scrolling down.
8965041
Yes it is though not used anymore since it is a very ancient name.
now i have to wonder just who Zuberi well become
well he be the one who is reluctant at the begging but slowly ends up the main chars closest ally and trusted right hand?
or well he be the selfish ass who gets his friends and family killed trying to betray the main character?
the future is full of possibilities.
also can you work in an explanation of the currency system? how many copper is worth a silver etc?
8966523
To be fair,he's not being a dick for the sake of it. He's looking out for his own which even Verik himself,while not particularly happy, understands. The more dire the situation the the more choices you have to make. In this case,"my tribesman" or "This unknown that,while not malicious,could prove a detriment by proxy if nothing else".
The Asha X Verik ship has now sailed. I repeat, the Asha X Verik ship has now sailed. Please have a nice day, and look forward to a budding romance.
Do you have an editor to help with cleaning the story up? There is a considerable amount of repetitions and run-on sentences with a couple of tense changes. The story is decent at the moment, but cleaning those up would shift it into the good column.