Surprisingly Sociable Drinking with Friends and Family
Suddenly, one of the pegasi stiffened. Her blank eyes rolled back in his head, and he hit the ground. Then the other two dropped in quick succession. “Surprise!” a voice called from above.
The first pegasus, white with a blonde mane, blinked awake. “Somepony… mention my name?” she murmured.
Everypony, even the possessed ponies, glanced up to the top of the stairwell, where a pair of royal pegasus guards grinned back at them, an army of silver crabs in tow. In the next instant, there was a swarm of metal flowing down the stairs. Hyacinth shrieked, but it soon became apparent that the robots weren’t after them. The Brachyura at the base of the stairs were swept away by the silver tide, knocked to the ground. Soon enough, they rose again, dazed and wincing in deepest aching pain. Scootaloo grinned. “Awesome!”
Dash smirked at her young fan’s exuberant enthusiasm. Fancy Pants exhaled, blowing up the ends of his moustache. “Well done, both of you. Just in time.”
Fleur, however, scans behind the two guards, concern evident in her eyes. “Ze Doctor and Miss Doo. Where are zey?”
At that moment, the Doctor and his merry band were approaching the Ponyville schoolhouse. Ditzy— the thing in her body, he reminded himself forcibly— had regained consciousness. She was glaring up at him, he could feel it. It felt wrong. Obviously. It was wrong. The thing inside his wife was diametrically opposed to her in every conceivable way. He refused to look back, to see those bright golden eyes brimming with hatred rather than kindness, fury rather than friendship. He still couldn’t remember much about the Brachyura. Did I do this to them? He wondered guiltily. Were they always like this, or did I change them somehow?
He vaguely remembered that they used to be much larger and not made of metal. Other than that? A complete blank. Which one was it that first met them, anyway? Oh, yes, Ears. He vaguely remembered Blueblood threatening to bring along the Griffon Ambassador, fond as she was of seafood. There was definitely another version there, though. All he could remember was an immense feeling of… grumpiness.
Time enough for that later. Right now, he had other things to worry about. Such as the angry… thing installed in Ditzy’s body. Ah, yes. Full circle. Reluctantly, he glanced back. Quickly, he spun forward again. It was as terrible as he had feared. Her eyes were not Ditzy’s, filled as they were with foreign rage and desire to destroy.
“Doctor…” Ditzy’s voice. But it was not her tone, neither were they her words. “It is you, then. You’ve changed bodies.”
“Whatever you’re going on about, I don’t remember doing it yet,” the Doctor said. “It takes place in my future. So, if you could avoid spoilers?”
“You destroyed us,” Ditzy said. No, not Ditzy, he had to remember that. “You interfered with our world, and you brought it crashing down.”
The Doctor stared straight ahead. “Do you think our underlings would thank you, Doctor? You set them adrift, without guidance or order. I wonder how long civilization stood after we fell.”
“Despite what you might think, civilization tends not to ride on the existence of one group,” the Doctor said coolly. “Particularly not the political elite. I mean, if all the sanitation workers vanished, then you’d have problems.”
“How many others, Doctor? How many others have you—”
The Doctor frowned and glanced back. Ditzy was unconscious again, a crab hanging from her neck. She blinked awake. “Sorry,” she said. “I figured you really didn’t need to hear that.”
The Doctor smiled slightly. “Thanks… whoever you are.”
“Thunderlane. Mind untying me?”
“Right.”
There was a long moment as the Doctor fiddled with the bonds. “Okay, I can’t see anything, because your wife’s eyes are seriously messed up,” Thunderlane said, rising to his hooves and stretching. “You’re going to have to be my seeing-eye pony or whatever.”
“Right. Thanks again, by the way. For… y’know.”
“Sure, yeah. I always hate it when the bad guys do that in Daring Do. Uh, you do read Daring Do, right?”
“I travelled with her.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope. She’s actually Ditzy’s sister, did you know?”
“I… didn’t even think she was real up until now…”
The Doctor shrugged, heedless of Thunderlane’s existential angst, quickly snatching a straying crab off the ground. “Oh, don’t go running off,” he said, grinning. “I’ve got plans for you.”
As soon as the tables had been removed from the trapdoor, the possessed ponies had come swarming up from the depths. They had been anticipating a frightened, tired herd of ponies. They had not been expecting an angry army of silver crabs. Within seconds, half of the invaders were in retreat. Unfortunately for them, it was the front half. In the chaos, the crabs attacked, diving and skittering through the herd to find their bodies once more. The crowd grew only more chaotic from there, dissolving into a regular punch-up. Any unmarked crabs were thrown onto their backs, or trapped in bottles. Any ponies with hexagonal cutie marks soon found themselves tossed into booths and dogpiled upon, which was rather unfortunate in the case of jeweler Trilliant Cut, whose mark was a hexagon-cut gem, despite her name. Later, partially due to the unfortunate incident of being sat upon for a good twenty minutes, Trilliant moved to Lawndon, where she met a pony with two heads, a spaceship, and some very good liquor. That, however, is a tale for another day.
Naturally, even after the crabs were all crabs and the ponies were all ponies, there were still a few matters to sort out. Pinkie noticed it first. “Mackie! Where’s your cutie mark gone?”
“Ah ain’t Mac,” the large red currently-a-stallion grumbled. “Look over there.”
Pinkie glanced over and saw Applejack with a wide smirk on her face and a big green apple on either flank. “Heh. Mebbe now y’all’ll listen when Ah got somethin’ ta say.”
Pinkie glanced from side to side. Then, tapping the red stallion on the nose, she said, “I dub thee Jackintosh, and thee,” she spun and booped the amused orange mare on the nose, “Applemac.”
Applemac grinned. “Ah like it.”
Jackintosh scowled. “...Gimme back mah hat.”
A blue form sidled up beside Jackintosh. “Ya know,” Rainbow rasped, “there’s really no rush to switch back. Maybe we can go—”
Applejack’s scowl was bad enough on her own face. On Mac, it was terrifying. Dash quickly buttoned her lip. “Can you at least run, like, an ice bath or something in the barn? I’m a living bruise, and I don’t think my wings can hold me up right now…”
The terrifying face softened, and red lips brushed a blue forehead. “Sure thang, sugarcube.” Her green eyes narrowed. "After Ah get mah own body back. Get me one of them crabs, quick-like. Ah don't like this body one bit!"
Rainbow gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Yeah, sure. I like you better as yourself, anyway."
Meanwhile, Scootaloo, with help from Ruby, was telling the other Crusaders about the harrowing adventure at the bar. “Wow,” Button marveled. “You really saved Rainbow Dash? That must've been awesome!”
The others nodded their assent. Then, glancing down, Dinky gasped. “Sweetie Belle! You got your cutie mark!”
All attention focused on the off-white filly, who glanced nervously around. “Come on, Sweetie, show us!”
“How did you get it?”
“Wait, that’s a hexagon.”
There was a moment of silence, and then Sweetie Brachyura leapt up from the booth and made for the door. “Oh, no you don’t!” Pinkie said, scooping up the mind-controlled filly. “Now, let’s just find which crab has the right… cutie… mark…” She stopped, frowning at the assembled crabs, whose backs were all as blank as Sweetie’s flank usually was. Her eyes dilated. “Uh-oh.”
Rarity sidled up beside the pink party pony. “Not to worry, darling. Rarity has the situation under control.” She cleared her throat, and narrowed her eyes. “Sweetie Belle!" she said sharply. "What did you do to my spring line?”
On the shelf, one jar shot back and smacked the wall as its inhabitant sought to run away. Rarity beamed. “Found her.”
Caramel stared at Caramel. Caramel stared back. Dr. Stable Condition coughed uncomfortably. Toffee, Caramel, and Caramel all tried desperately to look anywhere but down, while Toffee looked unconcerned. “I never realized this was such a common coat and mane pairing,” Caramel said weakly.
“Okay, do any of you remember which body you started in?” Caramel asked.
“How much does it actually matter?” Caramel wondered.
“Guys, I think I might secretly be a changeling,” Caramel said.
“Oh, yup, that’s me,” Toffee said, raising a hoof.
There was a long silence. “After this is over, none of us ever speak of this again,” Dr. Stable said flatly,
“I think I speak for all of us when I say ‘no argument,’” Caramel said.
Caramel squirmed. “Does that include keeping this from the hive? ‘Cause I think they already know.”
Thunderlane, still in Ditzy’s body, sighed and sat down heavily on the swingset. “Doctor, we’ve looked everywhere for her. She must‘ve run off to try and help.”
The Doctor shook his head, still glaring at the slide. “No. She’s just hidden somewhere. I mean, think about it, all they’ve done is lock the trapped ponies away. The Brachyura mentioned that the idea was sort of that the robot crabs would be used as slaves later on. She has to be—”
He stopped. He glanced over at the bell. “Oh, I am an idiot. Help me lift this thing up.”
Thunderlane frowned. “Uh, didn’t you say something about a bunch of the Brachyura being under there?”
“Yourself included, yes. Gather round, everypony, and if you see your body, go for it.”
Thunderlane shook her head— his head, he corrected himself. Or was it ‘her’? It was still Ditzy's body, after all, so it was her head that he was shaking. Pronouns really didn’t describe this situation, Thunderlane decided. Thunderlane was also increasingly of the opinion that gender was weird and stupid. Their head. They shook their head. That worked.
“Thunderlane?” The Doctor was leaning up against the side of the bell, staring at him expectantly.
Right. Lifting the bell. That was both more urgent and way easier than figuring out the meaning of 'gender' from first principles. Thunderlane got up on their hind legs and stood alongside the Doctor. “Right,” said the Time Lord. “Now, PUSH!”
The large copper bell tilted, slowly at first, and then gravity overcame it. Like water from a spilled cup, three pegasi tumbled out. Three pegasi and a crab marked with bubbles on its back.
“HAHA!” the Doctor crowed, scooping the little robot up. “Ditzy Doo, you are a marvel, an absolute marvel. Let’s get you back where you belong.”
“Doc? If you could hurry?” Thunderlane was frantically trying to keep the three pegasi from flying off once again.
“Oh, right. Ditzy?” He held the crab out and she scuttled onto her body’s back. There was a brief moment of confusiii*00j pjjjio98*(HJ8h*&7
When Ditzy came to, the first thing she noticed was the incessant ringing in her ears. The second thing she noticed was that the Doctor was forcibly restraining Thunderlane.
...Huh. That was new. Also kind of hot.
“Ditzy? The crab?”
She blinked. “Oh! Right!” She swiftly brought the silver robot up to the side of the charcoal stallion’s head. It lashed out andHhgi89&(*u98fiuhf9
Thunderlane, his head swimming, sat up. The Doctor and Ditzy were poring over one of the little silver robots. Of the others, there was no sign. “Urgh,” he said intelligently.
Ditzy glanced up and grinned. “Well hello, sleepyhead. You’ve been out for a good long while.”
“Not altogether unexpected, given the number of shifts you’ve undergone in the last hour or so,” the Doctor said, glancing up with a small smile. “Though, I think between us, we’ve nearly cracked how to keep this from ever happening again.”
“Great. Good. Good,” Thunderlane muttered, rubbing his head. “I need a freakin’ drink.”
“Don’t worry, the bar’s our next stop,” said Ditzy, a tad loudly. Her ears were still ringing.
Thunderlane nodded. “Great. Let’s go.” he stumbled forwards.
The Doctor and Ditzy exchanged glances, and then each took one of Thunderlane’s forelegs and helped him trot along.
The party was in full swing by the time the trio arrived. After a day spent in entirely the wrong body, you really do need a good way to relax. Romana raised her glass in recognition as they all trotted in. The Doctor grinned back as he and Ditzy poured Thunderlane into a chair. While the grey pegasus sat down to enjoy a nice mug of cider, the Time Lord trotted over to his friend. “Good show, Romana,” he said cheerfully. “All turned out alright?”
“Mm.” Romana shrugged. “More or less. But what are we going to do with all of them?” She gestured vaguely at the jars full of crabs that lined the wall.
“Borrow your sonic a minute? Mine sort of blew up.”
Romana smiled slightly and raised an eyebrow. “You see, this is why we can’t have nice things.”
“Oh, stow it,” the Doctor chuckled, shoving his friend lightly. “Come on, I just need it a second.”
“Mm. I already offered the standard ‘last chance,’ by the way. They said you brought down their society?”
“Not yet,” the Doctor said, accepting the little silver rod.
“Ah,” said Romana, raising a brow and taking another sip of her ginger and tonic. “Timey-wimey, then?”
The tan stallion smirked. “I’ve taught you well. Now, if I could have everypony’s attention?”
The rumble of the bar died down. The Doctor glanced around, his expression grimmer. “I’d like to take a vote, if I may? There are two ways that I can think of to ensure this lot never hurts anything ever again. Number one, we can kill them all off.”
A startled murmur rose from the crowd. The Doctor raised a hoof for silence. “I would understand if any of you wanted to do that, after what you’ve all been through. So, hooves up for the death penalty?”
There was a long silence. No hooves rose. Several of the patrons looked rather angry at the Doctor. The Time Lord grinned broadly. “That’s what I thought. Still, best to make sure before taking crab rangoon off the menu. So now, I’d like to show you… this.” He brought down one of the mason jars from the shelf. “Really, it’s a miracle of engineering and data storage, this mind-swapper. Keeps all the hive mind together, regardless of body. Take a good look, now. ‘Cause I’m going to blow it up.”
Gasps of shock rose from around the bar. Twilight Sparkle rose. “Doctor, you said you weren’t going to kill them!”
“Oh, I’m not. I’m only blowing up the brain-swapper. And then, I’m going to take all these jars and let the little buggers run loose on an abandoned planet. Nice place, lots of beaches. They can live out the rest of their crabby little lives there, create a civilization, whatever. Build some sandcastles.” That got a few chuckles.
The Doctor smiled broadly. “Mercy. It’s a beautiful quality, isn’t it?” He held the pick up to the jar and let it whir. A few sparks flew. The whole cabinet looked, briefly, like a fireworks display. “And… done.”
The crowd broke into whoops of joy and relief before settling into their booths once more, too sore and tired to do much celebrating. The Doctor snorted and sat back in his chair. Berry slid over a banana daiquiri, and he sipped it lightly, watching the four sisters Bouquet relax and joke and gossip over their cocktails in a way that they hadn’t done together in years. In a corner, Rarity cooed over her ‘big, brave Spikey-Wikey,’ who was recovering from having been tied up and forcibly used as a welding torch to break down the door to the tunnel. Fancy Pants and Fleur were sharing a booth and a martini, discussing how best to report this day to their mysterious superiors.
Tomorrow, he would take the Brachyura to the beach. Tomorrow, he would help Twilight invent a tinnitus cure for Ditzy. Tomorrow, he would help rebuild Ponyville. But for right now, everypony was relaxing and making merry, and that was enough for now.
Late that night, after the party had dissipated and the bar had closed, and Berry taken Ruby to sleep at Aunt Cheerilee’s, one faint chittering noise could be heard. And then, out of the darkness, the lights above the bar lit up with an infernal red light. Yes, a voice in the darkness said, We made a deal. We held up our side, but you did not follow through on yours.
More screechy chittering from above the bar. The lights darkened to crimson. Do not presume to control me, said the voice, its tone like the unknown bump in the night, the unfamiliar tread on the stair. I created you. I could as easily unmake you utterly, if I could be bothered. I have no time for failures, however, and so I will leave you to your fate. But know this. Our next meeting will be our last.
The bar was dark again. There was no sign, save some extra scorch marks on the wood, that anything had happened at all. The Brachyura were alone, forsaken by their guide, their savior. Their Nightmare.
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"Everypony is in their right minds, yes?"
"You're asking that now!?"
"Better late than never."
In any case, I guess everything was going better than I thought. Wonderful bit of body-snatching, even if it would've been nice to see something pass between Hyacinth and Carrot at the end. Still, a thrilling read. Looking forward to the next installment, especially with the Nightmare still lurking in the shadows.
10047987
Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
And yeah, I've got Plans involving H2G2, though I doubt they'll come to fruition anytime soon. Carrot and Hyacinth might have a heart-to-heart a little sooner than that.
Hey! I know that hoopy frood! He really knows where his towel is.
And so another adventure with the Doctor comes to a close. I'm now waiting for the next episode.
The segment about Sweetie's cutie mark doesn't fit, this is after season 9 so Sweetie has had cutie mark for a while by now.
10067575
This is an alternate universe.
Keeping up Appearances?
In a Dr. Who×MLP crossover?
Color me intrigued. Never thought anyone would make a story with it.
Does it involve Singing Dolphins, and Intergalactic Highways? Because i love that one.
Nice to see all ends well...enough.