Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine:
Garbunkle the Wise and Sir McBiggun were carefully navigating a jungle, keeping a watchful eye. Captain Wuzz was in another Plane on business, but they were joined by Cha’zix, a Changeish Rogue. As the three crept stealthily through the unforgiving terrain, far above them, another three people were doing something very different.
“Spike, that’s the fifth time you’ve sighed wearily, and you’re radiating apathy,” Thorax said with concern. “What’s up?”
Spike gave his dice a halfhearted roll. “I dunno. I guess … maybe Discord spoiled me. After living Ogres and Oubliettes for so long, playing with paper and dice just isn’t as fun as it used to be.”
“Nope,” Big Mac muttered gloomily.
Thorax grinned. “You know, if you want, I could get Secundus over here, and ask him to do it. All I’d have to do is scream.”
“That works?” Spike said with a raised eye ridge.
“You’d be amazed,” Thorax said with a smug grin.
Spike scratched the back of his head. “I don’t know if he would. I mean, last time didn’t exactly work out well.”
Thorax winced. “I heard. He’s … not always the nicest person, even though he tries to be.”
Spike chuckled. “Tell me about it.” He glanced at his character sheet. “I kind of have to wonder what his alignment would be if he were an O&O character.”
“True Neutral, heavily leaning towards chaotic neutral,” came Secundus’s voice.
Thorax’s eyes narrowed. “Have you been spying on us this whole time?”
“Not at all, I just heard my name being used in vain. What did you want?”
“Maybe you should tell him,” Big Mac said slowly. “I’m not going to do it.”
Spike sighed and ran a hand over his spikes. “Hey Sec? Would…” He strained to get the words out. “Wouldyoubeourdungeonmaster?” he said in one breath.
Secundus blurred into physical existence. “What?!” he asked in shock.
Spike sighed. “Look, I’d just like you to join us. I mean, the last time you DMed, you did kill us all, and we had to retcon the whole session, but you really got into character! It was kind of fun, … until it wasn’t.”
“When I was done, you said,” Secundus’s voice became a perfect impression of Spike’s, “’I HATE you, you bucking cheater! I am never playing with you again!!! GET OUT!!!!’” Secundus’s voice switched back to normal. “I actually did what I did legally, I just got abnormally high rolls. You really want me to DM again?!”
Spike nodded. “To be honest, I’m kind of running out of ideas,” he admitted.
“You ran out a long time ago!” Big Mac said with a grin. Big Mac didn’t speak very often, but he was comfortable enough here to express himself more.
“I mean, I still have the dungeon master’s guide,” Secundus said uncertainly, summoning it. “You all really want me to DM again? I swear I won’t kill you again. Intentionally.” He quickly added. The three nodded with wide grins. “Well, I mean, I guess I could come up with someth- Wait a second.” Secundus’s eyes narrowed. He pointed accusingly at Spike. “You just want me to bring the game to life, don’t you?!”
“I, uh, well…”
“Is that all I am to you, Spike? A way to make your outrageous fantasies momentarily real? I thought we were friends!!”
“We are friends!” Spike said quickly.
Secundus folded his arms and scoffed. “I mean, honestly! If you think I’m the kind of person who would go out of my way to bring a ridiculous, cheesy, geeky, underrated, cliché-spawning game to life … You’d be absolutely right!” he said with a grin. He snapped his fingers. “Boom.”
There was a flash of light, and the four of them were suddenly in the game in full costume. Secundus was floating in the air, dressed in a simple hooded robe, and had several sheets of paper and a set of black and white metal dice floating around him. He was busy scanning through a book. “And … done! What’s everyone’s AC again?” When they told him and he jotted it down, he said, “Whenever you’re-” *Pah-thoop!* An arrow whizzed out of the bushes and buried itself in his gazelle leg. “Oh, COME ON!” he shouted. He turned and glared at the bushes. “I’m the DM! I’m not even an NPC. Well, OK, I am, but … ARRGHH,” he growled.
“Sorry!” a voice in the bushes called. After an awkward pause, the voice said, “Is it too late to roll for stealth?”
“Just a little,” Secundus said with an eye roll.
“Right,” the voice said. The bushes rustled and three stallions stepped out. Rather than the animated cardboard cutouts Discord used, these were three genuine, not flesh and blood, skeleton ponies.
The skeleton on the left said, “Shall we charge them Skullcrusher?”
The skeleton on the right nodded. “Whenever you’re ready Spinesnapper.”
The skeleton in the middle sighed. “I dunno. Charging the heroes just seems so cliché. Now that we’re three dimensional, couldn’t our characters have depth as well?”
Spinesnapper sighed wearily. “You’re overthinking it Bob.” He drew his sword. “Stick with the basics of villainy, I always say. CHARGE!!!” The three skeletons rushed at the heroes, who screamed, turned tail and ran, Secundus floating with them.
“Hey, Spike,” Secundus said with a wicked grin. “Discord tells me you once asked if you could date one of the henchponies. If you want, I could make things a little more three dimensional for you,” he said, making a couple of parabolas with his paws.
“SHUT UP!!” Spike screamed as he ran for his life.
“Uh, you know you have more actions than ‘Flee,’ right?” Secundus said uncertainly. He pointed at Spike’s staff.
“Oh, duh! I have magic!” Spike said. He turned around. The skeleton ponies were in hot pursuit and closing in. “I … I … I cast ‘Frostbane!’”
“What’s your spell save DC?” Secundus asked, grabbing his d20.
“Nineteen,” Spike said smugly.
Secundus’s eyes widened. “Crap.” He rolled his die and facepawed when he got a two. “Fire when ready!”
Spike slammed his staff into the ground. “SHAZAM!!!”
It was as though a portal to the Everfrost had opened up. Pure ice magic blasted out of Spike’s staff and froze everything in a forty-foot cone in front of him. The ice the skeleton ponies was in then shattered.
Secundus’s jaw had dropped open. “WHAT SLOT DID YOU USE FOR THAT?!!”
“Uh … eighth?”
Secundus facepawed. “Spike … don’t waste your highest spell slots on early mooks!”
“So, any idea where Schmarity is?” Spike asked.
“You’re not rescuing Schmarity this time,” Secundus said, “You’ve done that every time you’ve played, so I’ve changed things up.”
“So who are we fighting?” Spike asked.
Secundus looked affronted. “I’m not telling you that!”
A door appeared to the rest of the Castle and Twilight stepped through. “Hey! I was just wondering if-” The world swam, and Twilight shook his head. “Whoa,” Dusk Shine said. “I feel weird! Why is my voice deeper? And why do I suddenly want to learn everything there is to know about hoofball theory?” he said, tapping his chin. It was at that point that Dusk Shine realized that he was in fact, a he. “SECUNDUS!” he roared. “What. Did. You. DO?!!”
Secundus had the good grace to look ashamed. “Sorry, Twi. I take ‘Guy’s Night’ incredibly literally. You’re welcome to stay and play, you just have to be a guy to do so.”
Fire shot out of Dusk’s nose. “If you don’t change me back, right now, I’ll-”
“It’s an area of effect spell, once you leave the room, you’ll be fine.”
Dusk growled.
Sombra stepped into the room as well. “I was wondering if-” he caught sight of Dusk Shine and blushed, stammering incoherently.
“What?” Dusk snapped.
“I’m kind of questioning my preferences, because I find you incredibly hot as a stallion, and I’m straight,” Sombra admitted.
“I think it’s just because it’s Twilight,” Secundus said, “Don’t worry, I’m not corrupting you. What did you want?”
“I was wondering if I could play next time?” Sombra asked.
“You’d have to ask Spike.”
Spike nodded. “Sure, we’d love you! I wish you’d started playing years ago!”
“What did you want Dusk, I mean Twilight!” Secundus said.
Dusk sighed. “I was just wondering if you wanted snacks. I’ll leave you to it. I had better be back to normal when I walk out this door,” he threatened.
Secundus nodded. “Promise!”
The two walked out. Secundus got back to narrating. “The skeleton bandits vanquished; you head further into the woods!”
“Come on!” Thorax said. He and Spike took off, Secundus floating with them.
Big Mac scrambled to keep up. “Hey!” he called, waving his hooves. “I can’t fly!”
“Sorry!” Secundus called. He floated down and pulled at his half beard in thought. “A-ha! You stumble across a mysterious chest.” *Whud* “OK, you trip over a mysterious chest,” he corrected. “Sorry.”
“OW.” Big Mac muttered.
Once Big Mac had gotten up, Secundus said, “This random chest is inscribed with ancient runes which Garbunkle is able to translate as reading … ‘I got what ya need, Dawg?!’” Secundus narrated in disbelief. He cleared his throat. “Either this is an honest and totes rad chest, or it is a shifter and will messily devour you alive. If I remember right, Cha’zix has a set of lockpicking tools, don’t you?” Thorax nodded and hoofed them over. “What do you do?”
“I … uh … I pick the lock,” Big Mac said uncertainly. He did so, and quickly stepped back. Inside was a red cloak.
“You have found a Cloak of Levitation! Congratulations!” Secundus fastened it around Big Mac’s neck. “OK, just think where you want to fly, got it?”
Big Mac almost instantly got the hang of flight, turning barrel rolls and laughing with joy. The four friends grinned, and headed off to see what the rest of their adventure would bring them.
About three hours later, the four of them trotted out of the room. Big Mac’s armor was dented, Thorax’s cloak was slashed, and Secundus was trying to beat small flames out of Spike’s singed clothing. It mostly worked.
“Whoa…” Thorax said “That… that … was…”
“AWESOME!!!” Spike shouted
“EEYUP!!” Big Mac exclaimed with a wide grin.
Spike gave Secundus a confused look. “Uh, was all that even legal?”
Secundus looked affronted. “I’m the DM, aren’t I? My word in the game is law, right up until someone’s dice decide otherwise. Trust me, that was legal. It’s not my fault I prefer homebrew to original,” he muttered, “the original’s too limited.” He looked hopeful. “Same time next week?” he asked with a pleading expression.
Big Mac scratched the back of his head, “Uh, that’s not really great for me.”
“Same time next month?” The other three looked at each other and nodded with wide grins. “Perfect,” Secundus said in a sinister voice, his shadow growing as he rubbed his paws together evilly. He dropped the persona as he realized an important factor. “Uh, will Discord be OK with my being the DM?”
“Trust me, playing a mission like that compared to what we normally do, he’ll like it,” Spike said with a grin. “He might even steal your thunder.”
Secundus chuckled. “Well, for coming up with that off the top of my head, that was … fun. Catch you guys later? Are you coming home my liege lord, or are you coming back later?” he asked Thorax.
Thorax rolled his eyes. “Quit with the ‘my lords’ around me, all right?”
Secundus shrugged. “You were King first. I just hang around the Hive and irritate everybody.”
“No, you don’t,” Thorax said with a smile.
“You’re right. I also double as eye candy.” Thorax rolled his eyes. “Thus ends my contributions to my Kingdom.”
“Sec,” Thorax groaned.
Secundus chuckled. “All right. Home?” Thorax nodded. Secundus remembered something. “Hey, Spike!”
Spike turned back. “Yeah?”
“I um … have a friend who’d like to play. Not now, but later, when I’ll need him too. He’s … a bit of a pawful. Is that OK?”
Spike nodded. “Sure! The more the merrier! Any idea when he’ll be playing?”
“Next spring.”
“What type of character does he have?”
“Hang on and I’ll ask him.” Secundus concentrated for a minute. “You WOULD play a chaotic evil warlock!” he snapped. “No evil characters, all right? Just play as an extreme version of chaotic neutral.” He caught everyone’s expression. “Sorry. Just … talking to myself again.”
Secundus spotted Sombra. “Is Twilight back to normal?”
Sombra nodded. “I forget how you do the exact words thing so well,” he said with a smirk. “She’s still mad at you.”
Secundus nodded, knowing he deserved it. “Hey. Could you do me a favor? It’s nothing harmful or demeaning,” he added quickly.
Sombra nodded. “I suppose, yes. What do you want?”
“Strike a pose, and in your snobbiest tone of voice say, ‘I will do it my way!!’”
Sombra looked confused, but decided to humor Secundus. He struck a dramatic pose, and in a tone of voice befitting a (former) ruthless tyrant he said, “I will do it my way!”
Secundus snickered. “Yeah, your voice is much less goofy here. And at least half an octave lower. The reason I asked you to do that is that I had this very strange dream the other night that took place in an alternate universe where I didn’t exist. Discord brought you back to life and brought the remaining villains together in some harebrained scheme to help Twilight advance, and, well….” He cleared his throat. “You sounded like this,” he said in a perfect impression of Sombra from Season Nine.
Sombra snorted in amusement. “Was I going through puberty?” he asked with an evil grin.
Secundus shrugged. “Who knows. You were also vaporized. Again. That tends to happen to you.”
“So I’ve noticed,” Sombra said drily. “Thank heaven a mildly insane Draconequus took pity on me, or I’d probably be dead. Again. It wasn’t much fun the first time,” he said, every word of those sentences oozing smarm.
Secundus chuckled. He rubbed the back of his neck, ruffling his mane slightly. “Yeah. I’m glad we’re friends. It’s nice to have a friend you can make half-baked schemes for world domination over cookies with.”
Sombra nodded. Secundus spotted Spike, and realized he’d missed something obvious. With all of his usual subtlety and tact, he pulled out a tape measure and measured Spike, bending down to examine the result. “‘Spike T. Dragon, practically perfect in-’ Sorry, wrong tape measure.” He threw it aside and tried again. “Huh, you’re six and a half inches taller than you were last month. Nice! Pretty soon you’ll be beating them off with a baseball bat! The growing pains must be horrific, you and Albert should get together and commiserate sometime. Every once in a while, he screams the Hive down, usually at 4 a.m. I can’t exactly blame him, he really hurts.”
Spike nodded. “Yeah, it’s … not fun. At least I’m getting older! I’m going to be even more of a stud in a few years! I mean, what mare wouldn’t want some of this?” he said, flexing in an exaggerated manner. He looked up and saw that Thorax and Secundus’s faces were bright red. “What?” he asked in confusion.
“I didn’t see anything!” Secundus said at the exact time Thorax said, “Good for you, I’m sure you’ll be great!” With a “Foomph!” sound, Thorax’s wings shot open, his face turning beet red. Secundus facepawed. “Give me strength, O Lord. Come on, Moosey, I’ll buy you an ice cream cone on the way home.”
“Uh huh,” Thorax said, Secundus dragging him away as his butt scooted on the ground.
“What the hay was that?!” Spike asked.
“I’ll … tell you when you’re older,” Sombra said uncomfortably.
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Thorax came downstairs one morning to find Secundus had turned a chamber into what looked like a witch doctor’s hut. Bundles of herbs and bottles containing strange substances lined the walls. Secundus was wearing a wizard’s hat and stirring a large cauldron with a spoon, about a million candles covering every surface adding a mysterious ambience.
“What’s up?”
“I’m making Albert a potion to turn him into a pony for a day.”
“Why?”
“Because he asked me to, and because making a potion is actually safer for him than me just snapping my fingers. He wants to go to Ponyville and hang with his friends. I thought I could give him a day to see what he thinks, that’s all. I don’t think he’s broken or anything, he’s just mad because he’s the only creature in the Hive who can’t shapeshift. I don’t blame him. Wouldn’t you want to spend at least a day in another shape?”
Thorax chuckled. “Sec, you don’t have to defend it that much. That’s really nice of you to do. It’s not dangerous or anything, is it?”
Secundus shook his head. “No, worse case it’ll make him grow gills and we shove him into the pond for a day. If he needs saltwater, San Franciscolt’s nice this time of year. It won’t come to that, I actually know what I’m doing.”
“Ok. … And the candles and voodoo are for…?”
“It’s atmospheric!” Secundus said, shocked that Thorax needed to ask. “Anyway, it’s not Voodoo.”
“If you’re sure.”
Secundus gave Albert the potion and watched the effects with interest. The effect was almost instantaneous, one second Albert was his usual snaky self, and the next a light grey earth colt with a spiky black mane and lilac irises was looking at Secundus. He took a step forward and nearly fell flat on his face. Secundus caught him just in time. “Sorry! I forget you’re not used to legs. Move the opposite back leg as you move the front leg.”
It took Albert a few wobbly tries, but pretty soon he was cantering around the Hive. “Thanks! How long will this last?”
Secundus grinned. “Till sundown. Bippidy Boppidy Boo. Get out of here, I’m sure your friends are waiting.”
Albert let out an excited whiny. “Heh! Cool! I’m a pony!” he dashed off to catch the portal to Ponyville.
Secundus shook his head. “Ah, he’s growing up too quickly.”
“Those are your genes, not mine,” Thorax said.
Secundus chuckled. “I know, I know. Want to hang out?”
“‘Hang out?’” Thorax asked with a chuckle. “You really need to learn to not try to be hip. I’d love to, but I have work. I should be free around three.”
“Duly noted,” Secundus said with a smile.
At exactly 3 p.m., a skinny black and white tomcat with blue eyes walked into the office, and started butting his head against Thorax’s leg, meowing in complaint. Thorax chuckled. “Sorry, I guess I’ve been ignoring you. Let’s fix that.” He telekinetically picked up the cat, who went completely limp and stretched out the way every cat does when they’re picked up against their will. The cat shot Thorax an irritated look that clearly said, Really?
Thorax took the cat into Secundus’s “throne room” and sat in the rocking chair, gently rocking back and forth as he began to pet the cat. Shortly after he started, the cat melted into a puddle of happiness, purring like an engine. Thorax chuckled. “What is it with you and cats?”
Secundus shrugged. “According to my friends on Earth, I was basically a giant cat on two legs. Besides, cats are awesome. A little to the left, minion.”
“Minion?!” Thorax snapped.
Secundus looked embarrassed, insofar as a cat could look embarrassed. He cleared his throat. “Sorry. Cats don’t have a word for ‘owner.’ You can’t own a cat, you can only serve one.”
Thorax rolled his eyes. “True that.”
“You know I love you…” Secundus teased. He licked Thorax on the nose with his sandpaper tongue, a sign of either affection or you tasting like chicken. Thorax chuckled.
Albert trotted into the room, his grin almost splitting his face open. “I had an amazing day!!! I got to play buckball and go apple picking and have a hayride and go to the library-”
“Sounds fun!” Thorax said.
“I even got to go to this really cool comic shop Spike told me about and get a one of a kind Batmane comic!” Albert almost shouted, his grin somehow getting wider.
“Cool!” Thorax said encouragingly. Secundus’s eyes widened, and he popped back into his shape, landing back on Thorax’s lap. “Ow!” Thorax said.
“Sorry dear,” Secundus said quickly. He clambered to his hindpaw and hoof. “What comic shop?” he asked forcefully.
Albert shrugged. “Something enchanted?”
Secundus held out a paw. “Albert, give me that comic RIGHT NO-”
“Hey, there’s something written here! Enjoying this story? Take a look! You can leave once you’ve finished the book.”
Secundus facepawed. “If we survive this, I’m writing an angry letter.” The comic fluttered open, the pages lighting up with white light.
“What’d I do?” Albert asked.
“You didn’t do anything, it’s - ALBERT!!” Secundus shouted as Albert was pulled headfirst into the comic. Secundus gripped the end of Albert’s tail and pulled with all of his might. His super strength wasn’t helping much. “A little help here?” he asked Thorax. He was then pulled up to his shoulder into the comic, his head and neck quickly following. Thorax grabbed Secundus’s tails and heaved with all his might, wings buzzing furiously, but the next thing he knew, he was pulled in too.
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Albert sat up, feeling groggy. “Urgh,” he muttered in a much deeper voice. He glanced up. “Papa?!” he asked in shock. Thorax was dressed in a sleek dark blue supersuit with an opening for his wings, a domino mask, and a high tech gadget belt. The silhouette of an owl adorned his chest. Thorax nodded. Albert glanced down at himself, and saw that he was dressed in a shadow-black supersuit with a long cape shaped like bat wings, and a utility belt. He was pretty sure he was wearing Batmane’s cowl as well.
“Holy cheese, Batmane, I’m Sparrow,” came Secundus’s voices in a ‘please kill me now’ sort of monotone.
Albert glanced over and saw that Secundus was dressed in a light tan suit emblazed with an “S,” a feathery cape, a domino mask, and a pair of green short so short they were basically a speedo. Secundus folded his arms and glared. “You tell anybody about this, you’re dead, got it?”
“So you’re Sparrow, Papa’s Nightowl, and I’m Batmane?!” Albert asked in shock. Secundus nodded. “And we’re inside the comic?”
Secundus grinned. “The Enchanted Comic Shop thanks you for your patronage. Welcome to San Goth. The only way out of here is to complete the story. Any ideas on how to do that?”
Albert shook his head. Just then his communicator beeped. He fumbled with it for a second. “Uh, Alb- Batmane speaking.”
“Batmane! This is the commissioner! Meet me at the morgue, stat!”
“Sure thing! We’ll take my car!” Albert said with a smirk that was terrible to behold.
Secundus looked terrified, before he elbowed Thorax. “Honey! Our sort-of sixteen-year-old is going to drive for the first time with us in the car! This is a rite of passage for human parents, I’ve been dreading this for years.”
“Uh… can you drive?” Thorax asked, terror flooding off of him.
“From what Spike told me, you inherit the skills of the characters. Yes, Albert can drive, for the moment at least. Whether he should is another matter, but I never learned, and Sparrow isn’t allowed to drive the Batmanebile unsupervised. Nightowl can drive it, so if you want to…” Thorax shook his head, looking like he was about to pass out. Secundus didn’t look much better.
Albert cackled and pressed the button to summon the Batmanebile. Minutes later, it pulled to a stop in front of the trio. Thorax held Secundus’s door open before clambering into the passenger side. Secundus looked around and sighed. “Well, at least I’m not in a booster seat.”
“Sparrow does a lot of good!” Albert said, “He’s just … a bit inexperienced.”
“He’s right,” Thorax said, “Mind you, Nightowl gets the grown-up jobs. And the mares,” he said with a smirk.
“Just start the car,” Secundus groaned.
Albert nodded. “How do you start this thing?” He pushed a button at random. “Just like that!” he shouted as the car went from zero to sixty in three seconds. Albert did his best to steer, and quickly got the hang of it, Batmane’s instincts kicking in. Albert rolled the roof open and whooped with joy. “THIS. IS. AWESOME!!!!” he shouted.
“Albert, you’re running out of road!” Secundus shouted in (im)mortal terror.
Albert smiled like a snake. He pushed a button on the dash and the car began to rumble. “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” The car shot into the sky, Albert turning cartwheels in the air as he learned how to fly the now Batmaneplane. “HELLO SAN GOTH!!” Albert shouted with joy.
“GOODBYE LUNCH!” his fathers yelled together.
“In 300 feet, turn left and descend 20 feet,” the Batmanebile’s navigation guide said helpfully.
The plane quickly landed in front of the San Goth Morgue, gently coming to a halt. The three got out of the car, Thorax stumbling a bit. Albert pushed a button on his communicator, and the Batmanebile turned back into a car and locked itself. They headed in quickly and were met by the Commissioner, a no-nonsense stallion in a tan coat with an epic mustache.
“Glad you could make it. I’m worried about the city, this looks like the work of one of your enemies.” He pushed open the door, the smell of formaldehyde and preserved meat flooding the trio’s nostrils. Albert looked sick. The Commissioner tossed a newspaper, which Albert caught. “Lady August was murdered last night, shortly after a break in.”
Secundus examined the paper. “They used an express train brake to kick her door open. Break in, I get it. What did they steal?”
“The Diamond Jubilee.” The Diamond Jubilee was San Goth’s most valuable gem, a polished diamond the size of a grapefruit with a warm magical flame contained in the center.
The Commissioner continued. “The nature of her murder was … ah … theatrical.” He whipped open a cloth covering a body on a slab. Her Ladyship had been sawn in half. Messily.
Albert threw up in a bucket by the door. Secundus winced. “Sorry, he’s never seen a corpse before.” The Commissioner looked confused. “I mean, of course Batmane’s seen a corpse before, just not a corpse killed in this exact manner.” The Commissioner relaxed.
“You’ve seen a corpse before?!” Thorax hissed. Secundus nodded, almost imperceptibly “Oy, vey.”
“We have the murder weapon,” the Commissioner continued, “No forensics, sadly, but it’s a pretty unique weapon.” He held it up. The saw looked like a lumberjack’s saw, but it was curved, almost into a complete circle. It wasn’t a practical weapon at all.
“What is that?” Albert asked.
“It’s a C-saw,” Secundus said. His eyes widened. “Oh no. Break in, C-saw, Diamond Jubilee …”
Thorax nodded. “This could only be the work of-”
“The Punster,” Albert finished, his cape billowing dramatically indoors.
The Punster was Batmane’s chief enemy, a twisted, fiendish clown with the ability to make his horrendous puns come to life.
“Well, he’s usually hidden in his lair, the abandoned Amazeing Labyrinth theme park. Let’s start there,” Thorax said.
“Nerd,” Secundus said with a grin.
“Oh, you’re so cool,” Thorax said, tongue flicking out.
“I just meant I’m proud of you,” Secundus said with a smile, “You know about Albert’s favorite comic enough to help him live it. Don’t worry Commissioner, we’ll get him!” Secundus said with a salute.
The theme park was a truly decrepit place, the joy of foalhood turned into a wasteland where a nightmare could be around any corner. The trio crept quietly, checking every corner for traps. They were almost to the center, when …
“WHOA!!!” Secundus shouted as the three of them were scooped up in something and hauled into the air He sniffed. “Fish?” he asked in shock. They were tied up in what looked like rope made from various aquatic species instead of fibers. “Oh. Duh. It’s a fishnet. Good one,” he snickered. He glanced around. “Not much of a trap, I could just eat my way out of here, look there’s even calamari.”
“Shocking that it’s so simple, isn’t it?” a voice asked from the shadows. The three heroes shouted in pain as they were jolted with electricity. A bomb was tossed under the net, ticking quickly. “I brought a little house warming gift for you, Batmane, it’s sure to end your night with a bang! I - … Oh, thank God, it’s you three,” the voice said with relief. “Saving your presence. Hang on and I’ll cut you down.” The bomb was swiped back into the shadows and quickly defused, and the three heroes were dumped unceremoniously on the ground. Secundus grabbed a hunk of salmon and tore in happily.
A stallion stepped out of the shadows, grinning nervously. He looked like the Punster, except for the fact that he was in monochrome and had black hair, yellow eyes, and fangs.
“MAL?!!” Thorax asked in shock.
“In person!” Mal said with a bow. “I got sucked in here too, although a few hours ahead of you in the timeline. Nice to see you’ve made it!”
“You’re the Punster?” Albert asked.
“Who did you expect me to be, Felidaemare?” Mal chuckled. “Just so you know, I didn’t saw that mare in half, that happened before I took the part over. I’ve been having fun too! Oh, that reminds me, I’ve got a forty megaton thaumonuclear bomb hidden in the heart of town. It punches a hole in the universe and lets pure chaos into the world. San Goth won’t survive. Fun, right?”
“That’s both terrifying and slightly impressive,” Secundus said.
“Well, it took all morning to invent,” Mal said with a modest shrug.
“You put a bomb in the middle of the city?!” Thorax asked in shock.
“It’s the classic ‘You can either catch me, or, you can save the city/your friends/your sidekick/your little dog too’ routine,” Mal said in a reasonable tone. “They teach that the first week of Villain 101.”
“I think you’re a little too good at this job,” Secundus said in an angry tone.
“Yeah…” Mal grinned wickedly. “I really blew myself away!” Wind whipped through the maze and Mal began to rise a few feet above them, until he was suddenly blown away to make his escape like a dainty balloon of fifty percent evil.
Secundus sighed. “Right. Thorax? We’ve got a bomb to locate and disable. Albert, you’re Batmane, you stop him, before he does something I’ll really regret. Thorax, you’re driving.”
“I can’t drive!” Thorax shouted.
“Yes, you can,” Secundus said.
“How am I supposed to stop Mal?!” Albert asked in shock.
“Have you ever read Batmane? He’s the Punster,” Secundus said.
“Oh, duh! Batmane just always outpuns him!”
Secundus put a paw on Albert’s withers and in a paternal tone said, “Son? Go forth and do me proud. Let’s go Nightowl!” Albert’s parents dashed out of the maze, Albert hot on their heels. The two older “sidekicks” hopped into the Batmanebile and screeched off into the night. Albert wasn’t sure where to start looking, San Goth was huge.
He tapped his chin with a hoof. “Hmm…. If I were Mal as the Punster, where would I go? Mal’s part of Dad, but he’s his opposite in some ways …” It clicked. “I’d go to the library, where I could find more puns to use.” He spoke to his Batcave computer. “Alexi? Where’s the largest library in San Goth?”
“In one quarter mile, turn left. Your destination will be on the right.” the automated voice responded smoothly. Albert galloped as fast as he could, skidding to a halt outside the library. “You have arrived at your destination.
Albert stared in shock. Gigantic snakes made of books were coiling around the outside of the library, blocking anycreature from coming in. No, not snakes. “Bookworms,” Albert groaned. “That just hurts. MAL!” he shouted. “Come out!”
Mal trotted out of the doors, head held high. “I just wanted to find a new lair. I’m heading to rob the bakery next, I really need some dough.” Bread dough rained down, splatting onto the ground.
“That’s the yeast creative pun you could have come up with!” Albert ground. The dough rose.
“I don’t know, I think I’m on a roll!” The dough all baked into rolls in about five seconds, Mal on top of a giant roll.
Albert thought quickly. “Two hot-cross puns in a row. Wow, you’re really on fire tonight!”
*WHOOMPH!* “Aaauuughhh!” Mal screamed, “Put me out! Put me out!”
“Snow problem,” Alberet replied.
*WHUMP* “Thanks,” Mal muttered from under the snowbank that had fallen on top of him.
Albert grinned, remembering the bits of the O&O Player’s Hoofbook he’d read. “Did you hear about the metallic Drake who joined the police force? He’s a Copper Dragon.”
A Dragon ran up and hauled Mal out of the snowbank, quickly cuffing his hoofs and taping his mouth shut. “You’re done punning today, Punster!” Mal was quickly dragged away to Miskatonic Asylum for the Criminally Wacko.
“Nicely done!” came Secundus’s voice. He held up a bomb the size of a tennis ball. “‘Though she be but little, she is fierce.’ I think we can go home now. Mal’ll be back in my head in a few seconds.” True to Secundus’s word, bright white light surrounded them. Albert felt something rooting through his utility belt, and the next moment the family was back in the Changeling Hive, all back to normal. Secundus cackled. “I got it!” He held up a familiar object. “Did you really think I’d pass up the chance to collect a genuine Batarang instead of a replica? So! We saved San Goth from certain doom, and Albert outpunned me, technically. This calls for a celebration! Albert, do you want to see more of the multiverse?”
“Yeah!” Albert said with a smile.
“Great! We’re going to Devonia for diner. Charming little world, they think they’re the only intelligent life in their universe. I’ll explain etiquette on the way.” With that, the family headed out.
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Magnificent chapter! Very well done
I would say its never boring with Secundus & Discord around. Even if things tend to run out of ones comfort zones.
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O&O sure seems fun. 3d or not.
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Sombra is one of my favorite characters
He will be a fun addition to there game group
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This comics are not lethal or? Because it sure has traumatic potencial
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Spike sure has free picking male or female
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Multiverse fun
True
That there charm 
10033749
Secundus is mildly insane and can be a smidge terrifying, but at least he keeps everycreature's day to day life interesting!
O&O would be very fun! I DM D&D for my friends, and there are many crazy shenanigans.
Sombra's going to enjoy becoming even more of a dork, yes.
If you die in the comic you show up in the real world miraculously unharmed, but mental scars are very likely. DC comics took a VERY dark turn when I was in middle school.
Now that Spike's growing up, he's turning out to be quite studly, but what are you talking about? It's not like Thorax and Secundus are crushing madly on him.
10034113
Yet... Spike is still not fully developed
Mild insanity as a all powerful being seems to be perfectly normal.
Maybe his mild insanity makes him more sane than others
10034203
Spike is only 5-8 years younger than Twlight, so he's legally an adult, even if he doesn't look like it. He definitely gets carded everywhere he goes, which annoys him. 
He's been growing this whole time, he just didn't get his wings until recently. At this point, he's about a head taller than a tall stallion (regular stallion, not beanpole Thorax) and he isn't chubby anymore. When dragons hit "puberty" they grow like weeds, so in another year, he might be bigger than Secundus. Anyway, we all know how much Spike loves flexing in front of the mirror. 
He'll probably be beating them off with a stick.
Thorax and Secundus wouldn't date a kid!
Secundus is very aware that he's a fictional character, and he knows how to milk that for all it's worth, even if he doesn't talk about it, so in at least 1 way he's saner than "normal" people!
Great chapter I look forward to reading more.
With three they can finally make a sandwich
10034239
Later~♡ They both have time in spades.